He looks up, pulled from whatever conversation he’s having. We make eye contact and for a minute, Oliver looks relieved. He looks less frustrated. He waves me on, gesturing towards the restaurant.
My stomach falls. Why do I have a feeling this is going to go like so many times before? He’s going to be called away because of work, having to take care of something else. He’s going to give a quick apology and disappear from our lives as quickly as he walked back in. I know Oliver and I know how he usually works.
I’m used to the disappointment, but Lucy isn’t. I think that’s why I want to protect her from him. Because Oliver, while a good person, a nice person...is full of disappointments. He’s single-focused, often forgetting the ones around him. It’s painful – it sucks.
I got used to it, but I don’t want my daughter to.
Especially after she mentioned that she likes him.
I get Lucy out and carry her into the restaurant, grab a table in the back and a booster seat for Lucy. I list out her lunch options, occasionally glancing up towards the door. I’m just waiting...I know what’s going to happen.
Oliver walks through the doors of the restaurant, sees us, and beelines toward us. As ridiculous as it sounds, I try to judge what he’s going to say from his walk. Oliver doesn’t have an expressive face, but he has his tells. I can always tell when he’s upset by the way he runs his hands through his hair excessively, or when he’s angry because he storms instead of walks.
Right now, though, he looks okay.
He reaches the table and slides in across from where Lucy and I sit.
“Everything alright?” I ask, quirking an eyebrow in his direction.
“Yeah. I hired an expert to get things running again at work, but evidently, our acting CEO doesn’t want to listen to the expert. It’s just a mess,” he says, waving a dismissive hand like he doesn’t wish to discuss it any further.
“Alright,” I say, deciding not to question it any further. “As long as everything is okay.”
“It’s fine.” He says and smiles in my direction.
There’s something magical about his smile. I’ve always thought that. They’re rare, for starters. He doesn’t just smile, I mean really smile, at anyone. When Oliver smiles in your direction, it makes you feel like the only person in the world. It makes you feel special like nobody ever has before.
They used to make me weak in the knees. I used to live for the little smiles that Oliver would flash in my direction. Even now, they make me happy. Not in the way that they did before...but happy, nonetheless.
Next to me, Lucy is coloring on the activity paper the hostess gave her. Oliver falls silent, looking over the menu I passed over to him and I feel a peace wash over me. Like this is what my life should’ve been all along.
I know I can’t get comfortable or used to this...but I can savor the moment, right?
That’s not a bad thing.
“Oliver?” Lucy breaks the silence that has washed between all of us.
He looks up, “Yes Lucy?”
She pushes the green crayon and half of the activity sheet in his direction.
“Will you color with me?”
I watch as something beautiful happens. Oliver’s usual un-expressive face changes and I’m pretty sure I see his heart melt. He instantly takes the green crayon from her and nods.
“I would love to color with you, Lucy,” he says, “just tell me where you want me to color.”
She points at a little flower on his side of the paper.
“Color that,” she says.
Oliver just nods and begins to color, clearly wrapped around her little finger already in the most endearing way possible.
If only it had been like this since the beginning.
We have a great lunch together, the end to our first outing as whatever we are. I get Lucy wrangled into her car seat, which isn’t much of a fight. Thankfully, she’s ready for a nap.
Oliver waves to her as I close the door and it’s just the two of us.
I hate that I didn’t stick to my guns. I should still hate him, but I don’t. I don’t feel that seething anger that I felt, at least not now. Today has been too good for me to just be blinded by anger.
“Thank you for giving me a chance today, Cassidy,” Oliver says. “It meant a lot to me. You are doing...an amazing job raising her.”
It’s meant as a compliment and I take it as one...but I can’t help but feel a bit of that bitterness return. It would have been so much easier if I didn’t have to raise her alone if he would’ve decided to stick around. I had no choice but to raise her the way that I have and I’m forever grateful that she’s turned out the way that she has.
“I’ve done my best,” I say.
The bitterness is sneaking back up in me, never quite going away. I want to tell him ‘no thanks to you’. I want to tell him that he could’ve helped. I want to tell him about all the sleepless nights I’ve endured, unsure if I was making right or wrong choices.
I don’t spit the venom that has settled on the tip of my tongue. I hold it back, wanting to keep things civil. It’s been such a good day – I can’t ruin this just because of past wounds.
“Thank you.”
Neither of us knows what to say next. He shoves his hands in his front pockets, looking between the ground and his car. Should we leave it at this? Should I extend another invitation?
I swallow the venom and my pride.
“How long are you in town again?”
“I have my cabin rented for a few weeks. I can always extend that.”
We’re not jumping forward that quickly. A few weeks is good. I don’t want to jump the gun.
“Alright. Maybe you can come over for dinner one night next week? I’ll have to check my schedule and see when I can fit it all in.”
Meaning: I have to emotionally prepare for more interaction with him. I have to figure out how to swallow the mixture of anger and bitterness and the little bit of affection I still hold for him. I’ve never had closure – I’ve never really had the chance to get over what happened between us. I had to jump straight from that to being a mother.
Oliver smiles, nods his head. “That sounds great, just text me whenever you want me over. I’ll be there.”
“Will do.”
Before he can turn and leave, Oliver speaks again.
“Cassidy, I want to thank you for today. I appreciate the chance you gave me.”
My hand is on the handle of my car door, pulling at it to get inside. I slowly turn to look at him, unable to bite my tongue any longer.
“I appreciate you actually showing up.”
I expect anger, annoyance to cross his features. Instead, he shakes his head and offers a small half-smile. He walks away and gets in his car as I get in mine.
I don’t know where we’re going from here. I don’t know how I’m going to process any of this, but at least I can feel confident that I’m making the right decisions for Lucy. She seems happy to have him around – and at least I’m giving him a chance.
That’s more than I ever planned to give him.
When I go to pick Lucy up from my mom’s Monday afternoon, the air between the two of us is tense. This morning, I thought maybe it was because it was early and everything is always off on a Monday morning, but the tension is still there.
That’s when realization dawns on me.
I know she’s definitely not happy that I’m giving Oliver a chance...but it’s just for Lucy. I don’t see why she doesn’t understand that. I know I need to have another conversation with her, but I’m not sure what she wants me to say.
Luckily, or maybe unluckily for me, she strikes up the conversation.
“Did you have a nice weekend?” she asks as she gathers the toys that Lucy brought over today.
“It was fine,” I say, hands shoved in the pockets of my work pants.
“How did the petting zoo go?”
I knew she was getting there. While I love my mom to death, I wi
sh she was just a bit more direct. I wish she would just ask me whatever is on her mind, not just treat me with silence and awkwardness until she can no longer take it.
“It was fine,” I answer again, leaning against the wall. “Honestly, it went better than I expected.”
She hums and I wait for it. I wait for her to say something passive about how it was a bad idea or how I probably shouldn’t have done it.
Finally, she speaks, “How did Lucy take it?”
“She likes him.”
“Was it a one-time thing? Or is he actually going to keep up this charade of involvement?”
She’s just as bitter as I am – I get it. Oliver has done nothing but let us all down. I think my mom is even more bitter because she’s never liked him from the start. When she finally gave him a chance, he messed it all up even worse. She feels betrayed by him too.
“He seems to want to keep being involved, that’s all I know. I told him we could probably do dinner sometime this week.”
My mom turns to look at me, and I can’t read her face. It bothers me because I don’t know what to prepare myself for. Snark? Anger?
“What are you going to tell Lucy when he leaves again? If she gets used to him being around and he leaves...what are you going to say?”
I haven’t thought of that. I know I probably should have, but it just hadn’t crossed my mind. The entire time, I’ve been trying to figure out if and when I’m going to tell Lucy that Oliver is her father. I hadn’t thought of how she’ll react if they get close and he goes back to New York.
He’s inevitably going to go back home. His life is there.
“I don’t know,” I tell her quietly, looking at the ground. “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“Well, before you let her get too used to him being around, you should probably think about that. That’s all I’m saying. It’s your life, Cassidy, but Lucy is my granddaughter. I’m going to tell you when I think you’re doing something wrong by her.”
But am I really doing something wrong by letting her get to know her father? Plenty of children survive divorce.
Chapter Eleven
Oliver
I’m probably too used to being in a big city. I’ve been in Blairsville a week and I’m incredibly bored. I’ve checked out all of the tourist spots, hiked, ate, walked the downtown strip...but there’s not a lot to do. I can’t imagine being a teenager in a town like this. What could they possibly do for fun?
I’ve taken to taking small day trips, driving to the other nearby mountain towns, and looking at the things there to do. The entire time, I wait for Cassidy to text me.
Saturday went amazingly, I think. Lucy seemed to like me, and Cassidy and I got along rather well. She said that she would invite me to dinner sometime this week, and all I can do is wait. I don’t want to barge in and make everything uncomfortable. I know that I have to do this on her time.
That’s the hard part for me. I’m used to doing whatever I want whenever I want. I’m used to knocking on Cassidy’s apartment door when we need to talk, but it’s not how it used to be. She needs space and I have to give it to her. I have to let her take the lead.
I wake up Thursday morning to a text from Cassidy.
‘Dinner tonight? Sorry for the short notice, but I had to make sure my schedule was clear at work. Just let me know.’
She knows that I have no other plans – or she should. I’m down here to try to be involved in my daughter’s life, my schedule is clear.
I text back before I get a chance to down any coffee.
‘Yeah. What time? I’ll be there. Need me to bring anything?’
She texts back a time and tells me that I don’t need to bring a thing – but I wonder if I should. Wine? A gift for Lucy? Flowers? The pressure isn’t off after our trip on Saturday, I have to keep showing up and showing that I’m trying.
When I pull up to Cassidy’s house that evening, I have a stuffed whale that I saw at the grocery store when I was buying Cassidy flowers. It’s not me trying to weasel my way into their hearts and home with gifts...it’s just because I want to do something nice.
Once again, I find myself nervous as I turn the car off and step out. I take a breath as I walk towards the front door, knocking softly. I hear noise coming from inside of the house before the door swings open.
Cassidy’s hair is up in a bun. She’s still in what I’m assuming is her work clothes, a white button-up shirt, and a black pencil skirt. It’s reminiscence of what she used to wear at Windsor – and she still looks amazing.
“Hey, come on in,” she offers, stepping aside for me. “It’s a little bit of chaos in here right now, so sorry for the mess.”
“Don’t worry about a mess, Cassidy,” I tell her, stepping into the house.
Before she can turn, I hold out the bouquet of flowers – just some colorful daisies – that I bought for her. I didn’t want a flower that screams something romantic or overbearing. I just wanted to get her something nice.
She looks at me and then looks at the flowers, taking them from me and offering a smile.
“Thank you, Oliver. They’re gorgeous.”
“I also got this for Lucy,” I say, holding up the stuffed whale. “I hope that’s alright.”
“The last thing she needs is another stuffed animal,” Cassidy laughs, shaking her head. “She’ll love it though. You can find her in the living room, I’ll finish up dinner.”
“Do you need any help?”
“I’m good. Promise. You go see Lucy flip over her new stuffed animal.”
I nod, following after Cassidy down the thin hallway. The house is small, but it’s nice. It seems like it’s meant for raising a child. It feels like a home, not the long empty hallways of my childhood that screamed of loneliness.
The kitchen and the living room are connected, a little overlook from the kitchen counter peers into the living room.
The furniture in the living room is older, not the sleek leather that I’m used to. Lucy sits in the middle of the living floor, on top of a rose-colored rug. Toys are scattered around her; the TV plays a children’s show with music I know that will get stuck in my head.
“Hey Lucy,” I greet her.
She looks up from the blocks scattered around her and I see a smile cross her face. She lights up and it warms my heart. I want her to forever react to seeing me that way.
“Oliver!” she seems excited to see me, jumping up from the floor.
I don’t know whether I should hug her or not. I’ve never done that before and I don’t know what boundaries we’re keeping. Instead, I hold out the stuffed animal that I bought her. Her smile widens again as she sees it, reaching up to take it from me.
“That’s for you,” I tell her.
“Thank you!” she squeals.
She takes the whale from me and squeezes it to her chest.
Instead of awkwardly standing there to watch her, I take a seat on the couch. It’s plusher than I imagine, feeling like I’m sinking into it.
Lucy drops back down to the floor, keeping the whale by her side. She goes back to the blocks, appearing to be trying to build something but quickly getting frustrated.
The silence is more than I want to deal with.
“Watcha tryin' to make Lucy?” I ask, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees.
“A castle,” she turns to look at me, her nose wrinkled just like her mother’s when something isn’t pleasing to her, “I can’t get it to stay though.”
I slide off of the couch, crawling over to where she sits on the floor. I’ve never done this before. I still don’t know how to interact with children or how to approach them. I’m going off of what feels natural, what I’ve seen on TV and in movies.
“Do you want me to help?” I ask.
She looks at the blocks and then back at me, “Maybe.”
I don’t know what ‘maybe’ means to a toddler. So, carefully, I reach out and take one of the blocks that she isn’t using. Lucy’s initi
al reaction isn’t negative, so I figure that I should be okay to continue. I reach out and take another block, starting to build a base for her castle.
Her attention turns to me, watching what I’m doing. After I build a base, I gesture for her to put a block on top of the ones that I have laid out.
Soon enough, I find myself explaining to Lucy that you need a solid base to build anything. I don’t think she’s paying much attention, instead, her focus is on stacking the blocks as high as she can. I don’t know if she really understands what I’m talking about. But she seems happy, so I continue to jabber on and help her build.
Before we’re able to finish the castle, Cassidy announces that dinner is ready. The block castle is long forgotten by Lucy, who jumps up and races towards the dining room.
The entire time that we’re eating, I find myself wondering if this is what a real family is like. Lucy tells Cassidy all about what she did at her grandmother’s house that day, and Cassidy sits and listens patiently.
I don’t remember ever eating dinner with my father as a child. He was always too busy. After my mom left, it was usually just Allison, myself, and Edward. Then, none of us really knew what to say to one another so we just ate in silence. I never had a normal family life; maybe that’s why I’m so surprised by it now.
After dinner, despite Cassidy’s insistence for me not to, I clean the table off and do the dishes, giving her time to go play with Lucy before it’s her bedtime. I know that all the choices that led up to this were my own...but God, I wish things were different.
For the first time since being down in Georgia, I find myself desperately wishing that this was my family. I’ve longed for it before. I’ve known that the pieces were missing...but now it’s a melancholic ache in my chest. I wish this was my life.
I finish the dishes, leaving them to dry before finding Cassidy and Lucy in the living room. Together, the three of us finish off Lucy’s tower before bed. When the final block is placed by Cassidy, she declares that it’s bedtime and Lucy starts to pout.
Fake Love Rich Boss Series Page 36