Only You

by Willa Okati

  He panted to keep himself under control, and caressed Zachary lighter, lighter, until the Omega winced from being too sensitive and lifted himself up until Alex slid out of him. Zachary let himself fall on top of Alex then, lying chest to chest and with mouth against mouth. Alex licked Zachary’s lips, one last tease, and sighed contentedly when Zachary laid his head over Alex’s slowing heartbeat and snuggled against him.

  The condom came off easy when Alex reached down to remove it. He held it for a moment, looking over Zachary’s shoulder. He didn’t think he’d ever come so hard, or so much, and he didn’t know if it was an Alpha-with-an-Omega thing, or a Zachary thing. Maybe both.

  He ran the tip of his nose over Zachary’s chest and neck. An Alpha could almost always tell from their scent if an Omega’s body was really satisfied, and the only thing that truly did the job was when his womb caught a seed that would start to grow. They glowed when that happened, went luminous-pale and loose-boned, taking the change deep, deep, deep inside.

  Zachary’s scent was the same as before, and he was still red with exertion.

  So. Not this time.

  But Alex wanted.

  And he didn’t want to wait to say what was on his mind.

  Zachary raised himself up and rested one elbow on Alex’s chest. Ow. Pointy. Whatever, though. Alex couldn’t give less of a damn with his body still humming.

  But Zachary was still Zachary, and after only a minute or so of lolling bonelessly he bounced back from his exertions like a rubber ball. He glanced over his shoulder and wrinkled his nose. “Okay, a used condom isn’t something people usually like to keep in their line of sight unless they have a thing for cooling come and let me tell you, that’s not my kink. Where’s your head at?”

  The teasing made Alex snort. There weren’t any trash cans down here and he didn’t feel like getting up anyway, so he went for the shortcut of picking up a stray sock that’d landed within arm’s reach and stuffed the condom in it without looking. “Fine, it’s out of sight. Better?”

  “Ugh, no. That was mine, you dick.” Zachary poked him. “Next time, use your own.”

  “Next time.” Alex squeezed Zachary’s hips, nudging him to sit up.

  Zachary sighed impatiently, but he went with it and looped his arms loosely around Alex’s neck once they were more or less upright. “What? I was comfortable there.”

  At this angle, Zachary sat a little higher than Alex, and Alex could enjoy looking up at him all tousled and pink and contented. Could smell both of them more deeply than before, all the scents on them -- sex, hormones, sweat -- trapped between their bodies. He took a deep breath in, the better to taste it all. He felt the light brush of Zachary’s thumb on his cheek and heard his quiet hum of amusement before he said, “You look like a cat asleep in the sunshine.” He didn’t mean to keep talking, but the words kept coming like someone had pulled a cork from a bottle and let everything in there spill free.

  “I love you,” Alex blurted. “I do, Zachary. I love you.”

  * * *

  Silence answered him.

  Absolute, total silence, except for the slight catch in Zachary’s lungs. His hands trembled almost imperceptibly where they rested on Alex’s back.

  “I’m scared too.” Alex kneaded at Zachary’s sides to soothe himself as much as Zachary. “But -- I’ve been wanting to say it for, I don’t know, it feels like weeks now.”

  “We’ve only been together for a few months,” Zachary said. He sounded -- odd. Neutral.

  Probably the surprise, Alex figured. Alphas usually didn’t go in first with the big love confessions. He opened his eyes and laid his head to rest on Zachary’s shoulder, because if he was going to buck stereotypes then he’d buck ‘em all the way, and if he was going to do this, he’d go big or go back home. “I don’t think time matters when it feels the way this feels between us,” he said. “That’s why I was looking at the condom.”

  He couldn’t see Zachary’s owl-eyed blink in response, but he could sure imagine it. “Come a -- I beg your pardon?”

  Alex laughed and nuzzled Zachary’s shoulder. “You almost said ‘come again,’ you dork, didn’t you? But… yeah.” He pulled Zachary a little closer. Swear to God, he could almost feel himself buzzing, totally high on it all. So damn happy to be getting this out. “Not next time. Not even the time after, but before a lot longer, I want to do this without the protection.”

  Zachary didn’t move an inch. “You mean you want to knock me up.”

  “Don’t say it like that, like jocks dragging their balls out in the locker room. I mean I want to have babies with you, that’s what I mean. We could be a family.”

  “We’re not even twenty.”

  “So? My grandparents got married when they were teenagers.”

  “Married?”

  “Well -- yeah. We could find a place like this, you know? Maybe small to start with, but I could get a job instead of going to college. Or we could find a place where you decide to go to school, and I can find a job and take care of things. I can take care of you, and if we have babies then I can help take care of them too. I want a family with you in it, Zachary. I want it so much.”

  Now he’d started talking, Alex couldn’t seem to stop and the words kept coming faster and faster, rattling out of him.

  “I’ve wanted you ever since I saw you, you know? I think maybe I wanted you before I even knew what wanting like this really was. And then I got to have you. And I want to have this, always. I want us to be our own family. We can do it. I know it. You make me feel like I can do anything. I love you.” He pressed his lips to Zachary’s neck, feeling the almost too-fast thrum of his pulse underneath the skin. He could taste the Omega of him there, even stronger now, the scent that said his body was responding to all the words coming out. “And I know you love me too.”

  Silence.

  Then, Zachary took a deep breath. He shook himself all over, then brushed the backs of his knuckles along Alex’s cheekbones. “Oh, honey. Alex. Honey. Look up at me right now. Please.”

  Alex did, his smile so broad it almost hurt his cheeks, and looked at Zachary’s face. Happily.

  At first.

  Only at first.

  Because what he saw looking back at him wasn’t… It wasn’t happiness, and it sure as hell wasn’t love. It was -- confusion? No. No, not that. It was dismay. Almost horror, only held back by the thinnest layer of wariness. At what he’d said.

  Alex’s smile faded away as his heart lurched sickeningly sideways. “Zachary?”

  Zachary held Alex’s face so gently between his hands it still felt like love, and that almost made it worse. “Honey. I’m sorry. No. I --” His ribs moved with the sharpness of his breath. “That isn’t what I feel, and it isn’t what I want.”

  Alex’s ears rang, but no. No way. He took hold of Zachary’s shoulder, hard, and pressed his nose to the spot where arm stopped and pit started. “You’re lying.”

  “I’m not, and don’t you dare yank me around like that again.” Zachary pulled away from him and sat back, realized he was still perched on Alex, and made an impatient noise. He would have climbed off if Alex hadn’t seen his intention half a second before he would have moved and held him in place. “Let me go.”

  Alex set his jaw. “No. You’re lying to me. I can smell it.”

  “You’re a horny Alpha, Alex! Of course you smell ‘it.’ You smell exactly what anyone would smell after they’d fucked their first Omega, you idiot.” Zachary punched him in the pec. “We’re not even legal adults yet, and you’re talking about marriage? Babies? We’ve never even left this town. We’ve never even had a chance to see what else is out there. We haven’t started our real lives, for fuck’s sake.”

  “I don’t care about any of that.” Alex reached up to comb roughly through Zachary’s hair. He held him there instead, fingers tangled in the soft locks. “All I care about is you.”

  “Then I’m sorry, but the answer is still no.” Zachary held his gaze withou
t flinching. “What did you want me to say, Alex? Did you want me to lie to you? How would that be fair to you at all, to string you along and give you false hope? To take away all your chances at a real life before you even got to see what they were? How would that be fair to me, when I --”

  He stopped there, clamping his lips tight like a book clapping shut.

  Didn’t matter. Alex finished for him, numb all the way down to his core. “When you don’t even love me a little, you mean.”

  Zachary didn’t even blink. “I think I should go.”

  “Yeah, I think you should.” Alex shoved the Omega off his lap. He was still sticky with sex and sweat, but it’d turned sour and all he wanted was to wash it off, and -- to hurt like he’d been hurt. “You knew how I felt about all this before, didn’t you? You did. But you figured I’d never say anything, so you kept on doing what made you feel good anyway.”

  Something unreadable passed over Zachary’s face. “And if I did?”

  “You bastard.” Alex dropped back down to the floor, covering his face with the crook of his arm to hide his humiliation, the pounding anger at being played like this, the hurt that went right down to his bones. “Get out. Just -- get out.”

  He stayed there, listening to the almost-silent sounds of Zachary getting dressed, then the quiet patter of sneakered footsteps walking to the door, the latch turning, the door itself opening and closing.

  When Alex looked up, Zachary was gone, and he knew -- somehow -- he wouldn’t see the Omega again for a long time.

  Maybe not even ever.

  And the worst part of it? The very, very worst? Alex still loved the son of a bitch.

  He didn’t know if he could ever stop.

  * * *

  Zachary

  Zachary let the door click shut behind him, as softly as he could manage with his hands shaking as hard as they were. It wasn’t a particularly thick door; both sets of neighbors, if they were home, had to know absolutely everything he and Alex had been up to for the past few hours.

  Would they realize his leaving meant he’d cut the cord? Walked away from the man he loved with all his heart, no matter what he’d just said?

  Probably not.

  None of them would know this had been Zachary’s first time letting a man inside his body. No one in town would have believed that -- they all thought he was the town bike, ready and willing for anyone to take a ride -- but it was still true. He’d gotten wet for others because he liked to feel good and there was nothing wrong with enjoying sex, but Alex was the only one he’d opened his legs for. Not that he’d have let Alex know. Zachary had always had too much pride for his own good, and he’d wanted this to be good.

  It’d been selfish of him, but he’d done it anyway. He’d known the end would come sooner or later, if not this soon, and he’d wanted one taste to take with him. A memory he could hold tight to his chest. He’d brought everything he knew and could guess at to the table, some of it instinct, a lot of it imagination, and put it to use.

  Maybe too much so. He’d been half a second away from letting instinct take over, stripping that condom right off Alex and letting the man come inside him.

  At least he hadn’t been that selfish.

  Getting pregnant would have doomed Alex to a life stuck on the wrong side of the tracks, tied forever to a bad seed with no chance of getting out there and living his best life. Alex deserved better than that, and Zachary would be damned if he’d let himself stand in the way.

  Even if it broke both their hearts. Which it had.

  Zachary could hear Alex weeping clear through the thin door. He knew those kinds of tears; they were born out of confusion at having your heart crushed under someone else’s foot. He’d shed them before for one reason or another, but somehow he’d never expected to hear that noise when he was with Alex. It made him press the balls of his hands against his cheeks to try and stop from crying too, but it didn’t work.

  Stupid. So stupid that he’d let himself fall in love when he knew better. Wanting everything Alex wanted -- lovemaking without a barrier between them, a stupid white wedding because fuck the rules, babies who had his eyes and Alex’s chin. A home of their own. Family. Love. So much love that it made his ribs ache, and it was only partly because he was crying now too.

  “I love you. And I know you love me too.”

  “I’m sorry. No. That’s not what I want.”

  He’d lied to Alex. But he’d had to.

  So stop this. Zachary gave himself a sharp, impatient shake. It didn’t matter what he felt or what he wanted when he knew it was better this way. He’d learned how to live with pain before. He’d learn how to live with this too, and he’d let Alex live the best life he could. Sooner or later, Alex would get over him.

  First love never lasted. Wasn’t that what people said?

  But God, he couldn’t stand any more of that heartbroken weeping now. That depth of pain couldn’t last. It’d shift to anger, then humiliation, and then turn south toward bitter hate. The tears were bad enough, but feeling that love turn to hate would break him.

  Zachary needed distance. As much of it as he could get.

  He swiped at his face one last time, squared his shoulders, and walked away without looking back.

  And that might have been the end of it all, right there.

  But sometimes -- sometimes -- fate had other plans.

  Chapter One

  Seven Years Later

  “This is your conductor speaking. Sorry for the delay, folks --”

  Zach jolted out of the light doze he’d fallen into, momentarily disoriented by the movement and the too-bright lights in the train car. He blinked dazedly and looked around, searching for who’d woken him and why, so he could break their necks. The first sleep he’d gotten in days, and --

  The PA system gave a burst of jarring static.

  “…running a little behind schedule due to some technical issues and maintenance being done on the tracks ahead,” the conductor droned on. “They should be almost done, so hold tight and we’ll have you reaching your stops only a few minutes late.”

  Well, that was… absolutely swell.

  Zach -- he hadn’t gone by Zachary in years -- rubbed his face hard, trying to stimulate enough blood flow to help him wake up. No use trying to go back to sleep. He doubted he’d be able to drop off again for hours, if not another couple of days. Insomnia, the single Omega’s unfriendly best friend. That and constant, gnawing hunger. Never being able to get warm. Bond sickness didn’t happen to every Omega, but a handful of them couldn’t cope with any kind of distance from the Alpha their body had laid claim to.

  Like Zach. His body wanted Alex and wanted him now. Had wanted him for seven years without ceasing.

  Everyone and their cousin had a theory about the phenomenon: that it was all psychological, that it was hormonal, that they didn’t have enough of one chemical or another in their brains, or some bizarre instinct figured the less they slept the more they’d be inclined to fuck their way to a solution.

  Zach clicked his tongue, frustrated as ever with the entire mess. He hadn’t known, when he was young and stupidly in love, that when he gave his body to Alex he’d forged a link like that. That he’d sentenced himself to fade away into a ghost of his former self, his body demanding what he refused to give it, until one day he would disappear completely.

  Once upon a time he’d asked himself: if he had the chance to do it all over again, would he?

  Zach would have liked to say no, that he’d have better sense, but -- he would. Yes. God help him, he would. He had the memory of that one night before it all went sour, and that was worth holding on to. He could be confident Alex wasn’t afflicted -- Alphas were lucky that way. If the odd Alpha ever did get a touch of bonding flu, he’d address it by hunting his man down. To the ends of the earth if need be.

  As for himself, he’d live off strong coffee and willpower for as long as he could. Travel when he had the chance, looking for warm places and w
illing Alphas who could satisfy him for a night even if they didn’t fool his body chemistry for long.

  Could always be worse, and he could comfort himself with knowing he’d done the right thing even if he was paying for it.

  Zach waved a no thank you to a train attendant who walked past, asking if anyone wanted a warm towel to help with the dry air in the carriage, and leaned back in his seat. Surprisingly comfortable, soft on his aching bones, and the headrest was well cushioned, but they didn’t have the central heating cranked nearly high enough for his comfort. He rubbed his hands together to try and warm them when shivering and wrapping his arms around himself didn’t help.

  Probably should have taken that hot towel after all.

  He glanced out the window. If it hadn’t been dark, he’d have liked to watch the countryside fly past. Almost no one took trains anymore, not when planes and cars were so much more convenient, but Zach did. He liked them. Liked the romance of them, the way the countryside rolled past and gave you time to read or to simply be quiet and think. If you were alone, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It was how he’d lived his life from eighteen to twenty-five and that was fine, that was the way he liked things. Getting involved equaled getting in trouble. Romance was a complication best avoided, a lesson he’d learned the hard way.

  He glanced back as the attendant started back up the aisle, this time pushing a rattling cart with one squeaky wheel and enough coffee on board to give a horse heartburn.

  Oh God. Yes. Zach waved him down.

  “Coffee, sir?”

  “As much of it as you can fit in a cup. No cream but double the sugar. Please.”

  The train attendant shook his head, but with a smile and a finger briefly pressed to his lips as he passed over not one but two Styrofoam cups filled to the brim. He was an Omega too, in his mid-thirties by the look of him, but he wore an obsidian widower’s ring instead of a wedding band.

  Zach took a grateful gulp, not caring that the coffee was hot enough to scald his throat, and asked, “How far behind schedule are we?” Stretching his legs at the next station would do him good; they ached when he stayed still for too long.