by Mia Wolf
I can tell he speaks from experience. He feels sorry somehow for my situation. About me losing my grandfather, then my father, then Mia. He feels culpable as if he could’ve somehow stopped it from happening. At least some of it. Or else he could turn back the time to where none of that ever happened. I don’t understand why Eli feels responsible, but I haven’t quite found the words to assure him that I am okay, that I don’t blame him. Though, I am sure he knows that, too. I have nothing that can soothe the self-inflicted misery he continues to foster.
“Jessica seems like a nice girl,” Eli finally speaks after we walk for a while in silence. We’re past the rotunda now. Almost at his house which is a little farther at the starting of the woods. He likes the tranquility. That, and no wi-fi.
“She is a nice girl,” I agree. “I’ve learned a lot from her.”
“Must be tough for her around here. Make sure she doesn’t get lonely.” Jessica would be happy to know that Eli is worried about her.
“She’s already become best friends with Rose,” I put Eli at ease. “Rose doesn’t even look at me anymore.”
Eli laughs. “That’s good then.” He pauses, and a grave look replaces the lighthearted one from a second ago. “Look out for her. You know you have many enemies. I have a bad feeling about this.”
Eli says the words more to himself. His disconcerted tone made me feel uneasy, so I decide to change the topic.
“I’m thinking I'll bring her to the winter solstice festival,” I say, feeling a little hesitant. “What do you think?”
“What do I think? I think you make up your mind and follow through,” Eli replies in a low, meandering voice. He’s back to being himself. “That and trust more. Trust is a privilege, son. Most people don’t afford it.”
I drop Eli off at his place and walk back to my apartment. The thick winter mist makes the village seem unreal. Like it is here one moment and can disappear the next. It used to bother me when I was little because we were forced to stay home due to the cold. Even though we were bears. We don’t even feel the cold, but somehow it was a thing in the village. All the kids stayed at home during winters. Then when I grew up a little, staring out the window and looking down on the cave tops, the woods in the back and the snow became my favorite past time.
I reach home, where Jessica has already cleaned up the table. She is tinkering away at her laptop, steadfastly typing with a razor-sharp focus. She immediately stops when I come home. I insist that she finish her work first, that I can wait. She doesn’t listen. We spend the rest of the day talking and hanging out as we had planned to.
We talk about everything under the sun. About the future, and the past. About death and life. About regrets and seized opportunities. We talk about everything except the here and now because in the now we both have exactly what we want.
Chapter 21 – Jessica
I’ve been considering going out of the house and taking a walk for a while now. I didn’t expect something so little to become so difficult to do. But I haven’t left Joshua’s apartment ever since I came, except for my visits to Rose, and I know I wouldn’t admit this in front of Joshua, but it’s partly because I’m scared.
It’s natural, I tell myself. It’s natural to feel scared in my situation. So I should start by taking a walk. I dress up having made up my mind and decide that I’ll go around the village from behind the houses. That way, I won’t run into too many people.
I step out of the house and instantly feel the cold. I close my eyes to the touch of the cold breeze as it passes me by. The wind blowing through my hair reminds me that I’m still alive. I can’t help but feel thankful for it all, most of all for Joshua being in my life. I go around Joshua’s cave-topped apartment and out the backside, shoving my cold hands into the pockets of Joshua’s beige fur coat which I zip up to my neck and fit my mouth inside it, too.
The evening sun sets within a matter of minutes, and I find myself walking on the periphery of the village that’s illuminated with faraway amber lights. I’m on the edge of the woods which stretches on the other side.
A hiss comes from behind me, and it makes me jump. I instinctively turn around to check for signs of any animals, but there is nothing there. I take another ten steps when the hiss comes again, and this time I’m certain there’s something following me.
“Hello?” I call out, wondering if it’s some sick prank.
“Well hello,” says a man’s voice. It echoes in the woods. I look all around me, unable to pinpoint the direction of the source.
“Who is it?” I try to hide the shrill of worry.
Next moment, there is a tap on my shoulder, and I whirl around while stepping away from the touch.
“Hello Jessica,” Raymond says. He’s in his human form, but his fangs peek through his mouth which is wide open in a grin.
“What do you want?” I ask, stammering. My body is shaking, and I look around with restless eyes, calculating escape routes.
“No need to be so alarmed, sweetheart. We can be friends,” he says raising both his hands, but I’m not falling for any of it.
When I don’t reply, Raymond continues to speak. “I just thought someone should tell you about—” he pauses. “How much do you know about Joshua?”
“I know enough,” I say with confidence, still looking for an opening to run away.
“So you know about Mia? What about his childhood? You know he was one of us back then? We were best friends, Jessica.” Raymond looks up to the sky with a smile on his face as if he’s reminiscing old times. “He must’ve told you about his rage fits then, if you guys are that close.”
“Don’t make me go into a rage fit right now, Raymond.” The voice is unmistakably Joshua’s, and it comes from behind me. I turn around and see his familiar face and bolt towards him, letting my trembling body rest against Joshua’s chest. I pretend that Raymond isn’t even here.
“I’m just looking out for the newcomer, buddy,” Raymond says. “We don’t want the history to repeat itself, do we?”
“Raymond, I am this close to ripping your throat out.” The vibration of Joshua’s growl reverberates through me, and I know it’s not an empty threat. I take Joshua’s hand in mine and whisper in his ears.
“Take me home.”
Chapter 22 – Joshua
I can feel my blood boiling in my veins and the anger pulsing in my temples. Raymond is not wrong about the rage fits, but that’s in the past. I didn’t think he’d stoop so low to use that against me.
“Jessica, before you start imagining the worst, just hear me out.” I don’t see any fear in her eyes. I, on the other hand, am about to disintegrate.
Jessica only nods understandingly.
“I was an angsty teenager back then. Yes, my temper was about as bad as it gets. Yes, I once harmed an innocent newcomer in a rage fit, but all of that is so far in the past. Nobody would’ve let me become the alpha if I weren’t fit to do the job, Jessica. That frenzied, hormonal teenager is not me. I’ve come a long way from that.” I stop when I realize like I’m rambling, and my face droops. If the truth wouldn’t convince Jessica, then I don’t know what would.
“Look at me,” Jessica says and lifts my chin. “I believe you.”
Relief washes over me like a tide. “Raymond is just trying to scare you off because —“ I stop realizing that I can’t spring out the whole “alphas need to take a mate to rule successfully” crap.
“Because?” Jessica asks. “You said that before, too. That Raymond is trying to threaten you with me. What am I missing here?”
I sigh. There is no way I can tell her without sounding like a creep. “You wouldn’t like it, Jessica. I’ll tell you when it’s time.”
“No, I need to know right now. No more secrets, Joshua. You need to trust our relationship. You need to trust that I am strong enough to take this.” She pauses. “You need to trust me.”
I gulp hard. This can’t be the end of us, I tell myself. “The alpha is required to take a—” I c
lose my eyes, I can’t bear to see the look on Jessica’s face. “The alpha is only considered fit to rule the clan if he takes a mate.” I say the words with utmost calm then open my eyes. “We don’t need to worry about any of that. Especially, this early on. Raymond is just trying to scare you off because he thinks we might,” I hesitate, “we might become official mates.” I gag as I say the words out loud. I won't blame Jessica if she wants to run away now.
To my surprise she only giggles. Slowly at first then louder.
“What’s so funny?” I pout.
“You,” she says, “worrying so much. I understand, Joshua. You’re right, it’s too early for us, but that doesn’t mean Raymond can just chase me away for no reason at all.”
I drop down to my knees as Jessica speaks. Thank the woods, I chant to myself. “I thought I lost you.” My voice is low, I’m not sure if Jessica heard it. She crouches beside me and wraps me in a hug. Tired from the exhaustion, I surrender to Jessica’s warmth and fall asleep in her lap.
Chapter 23 – Jessica
Joshua asked me if I wanted to go to the winter solstice festival. Having no context, of course, I said I would be glad to go. Except that I have no idea what it is, or what to do about it, or what to wear. So, I called help. I told Rose her expertise is required. The problem is that the winter solstice festival is on the same evening that Joshua asked me.
“Joshua should’ve asked you sooner,” Rose says as she assesses me from top to bottom trying to work out an attire for me. “You’re my size. Except in the boobs department. Yours are pretty darn big. Plus you’re a little shorter.”
I blush, hearing Rose talk about my body so nonchalantly. Rose, unlike me, has a figure fit for being a runway model which means she’s about two cup sizes smaller than I am. I shake the thought of worrying about cup sizes at a time like this.
“I have an idea,” Rose tells me with one hand tucked under her chin as she eyes me then her wardrobe then me again. She raises her eyebrows at me. “I’m not sure how much you’ll like the idea.”
I want to tell Rose that I am thankful she even agreed to do this. “At this point, I’ll take anything,” I reassure her.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” she says flatly and twirls around to walk to her massive wardrobe, her ponytail dancing after her.
Rose’s wardrobe is about as fabulous as she is. It is a tiny room, just barely short of being called a walk-in closet. The left wall carries shoes and handbags, the right side is fixed with a bar on which coats, shrugs, jackets, and all kinds of other pull-overs are neatly hanging in a row. From seeing Rose dressed up enough times, I can tell pull-overs are her thing. They somehow make her already long neck seem swan-like.
The center of the cabinet contains dresses, shirts, t-shirts, and tops on one side and jeans and shorts on the other. I can’t see any jewelry, but I can see about half a dozen drawers lining the mid-section of the cupboard. I’m certain they’re full of more accessories and make-up and whatnot.
I try not to feel intimidated about the festival, but if I'm honest, my nerves are shot. After disappearing into the closet for five minutes, Rose finally emerges with some clothes in her hand.
“What’s that?” I ask pointing at a piece of cloth.
“It’s a Shoma,” Rose replies, but that tells me nothing.
“What’s a Shoma?” I ask when she doesn’t voluntarily explain.
“It’s a traditional bear shifter wrap of sorts.” Rose unfurls the cloth. It’s a placid shade of silver. It looks tranquil, and I instantly like it. Though, its shape reveals nothing about how it’s worn.
“Strip,” Rose commands, and moments later, I am standing in front of Rose’s dresser’s full-length mirror in nothing but my bra and underwear.
Rose leans in closer to me, and I can smell her fruity perfume. She takes the soft fabric, places its one end to my back then pulls it around my body. Then it goes from under my left arm and over the right one. After a few loops and wraps, I lose any sense of what goes where, except that when Rose is done, I look at myself in the mirror wide-eyed. The silver cloth is neatly wrapped around my torso. It crisscrosses right above my knees and is long enough to be a one piece.
I’m mesmerized by the outfit. The familiar design makes me rake my brain for where I have seen it before. Then I realize it’s what Eli was wearing the day he visited us at home.
“So, what do you think?” Rose asks.
“I love it, Rose,” I let out in a whisper. It’s unlike anything I’ve worn before. I like how it looks. “I guess I like Shomas,” I say admiring myself in the mirror.
“You should tie your hair in a loose bun. You look gorgeous,” Rose’s hands are covering her mouth as she stares at me from top to bottom, appreciating her masterpiece.
“Thanks, Rose. You’re a lifesaver.”
I begin to leave when Rose drops a word of caution.
“Don’t worry about the cold. Just put something on until you reach the rotunda. There will be a giant fire there.” She winks at me and smiles.
I instantly realize what she means by “put on a coat until you reach the rotunda” when I step out of her place. The biting cold makes my teeth chatter instantly. I’ll need to put on something extremely warm, I suppose. I mentally decide to steal one of Joshua’s large fur-coats.
I enter the house and realize that Joshua is still in the shower. I go to the dresser in Joshua’s bedroom and do my hair and make-up. Nothing too elaborate. Just tying my hair in a loose bun like Rose instructed, some light makeup, and red lipstick.
When I’m done, I’m quite surprised by myself. I don’t think I remember looking better. I’m sitting on the bed, putting on a pair of black heels when Joshua walks into the bedroom. His hair is soaking wet, and he is wearing nothing but black jeans. His shirtless body has got to be one of my most favorite things in the world. I can’t stop myself from staring at him as he stops mid-step when he sees me. I’m too consumed by his muscled chest to pay attention. I finally do when Joshua speaks.
“You look drop-dead gorgeous,” he says in a deep whisper that sends tingles down my spine.
“If I wasn’t wearing lipstick, I would’ve kissed you right now,” I say overcome by some foreign feeling.
“Don’t tempt me,” Joshua replies. “I don’t care about what you’re wearing. I will ruin that lipstick.”
The way he says “ruin that lipstick” and the look he shoots me afterward like he’s seeing me naked make my breath hitch. I want to plead with him to stop, but I know any further communication would lead to us being in bed together. So, I busy myself with my shoes as Joshua gets dressed.
I don a thick, brown, heavy fur-coat on top of my Shoma.
We leave the house shortly after. “Rose is quite resourceful,” Joshua says as we make our way down to the rotunda.
“Does a lot of bear shifting happen at the winter solstice festival?” I feel a little stupid asking the question.
“No, not a lot.” Joshua chuckles. But he doesn’t say not at all, I notice.
The farther down we go, the more lit-up the village becomes. The large lanterns and lamps that usually cover the houses are now illuminated making the neighborhood glow and glitter. It looks warm and cozy.
A massive crowd is gathered at the rotunda. And of course, as Rose had mentioned, there is a giant bonfire lit in the center of the festival. The din of conversation rises with each step we take, and I hear Joshua heave a sigh. I don’t understand what it means, but I take the opportunity to slip my hand into his. He reads me for a brief moment, and when he realizes all I really want is to hold his hand, he takes it to his mouth and kisses it. It makes me smile.
“Are you alright?” I ask Joshua because he is tensing up the closer we get to the festival. He only nods and presses his lips. That’s not a good sign.
I wonder if he’s afraid for me.
“Is it about the bear shifting?” I ask.
“No, Jessica. There is no bear shifting,” he laughs. I’m gla
d he does, but the relief is short-lived. I’m out of ideas about how to make Joshua feel better, feel more at ease. Maybe there is something to worry about, after all.
We walk through the crowd and go straight to the center of the gathering where the fire is. Old men and women are seated on wooden logs across the bonfire. I spot Eli and wave at him. He waves back still crouching forward like he did when he came to visit us.
I scan the crowd for any signs of Rose, but she isn’t here yet. She couldn’t be ditching me, I think. I literally know no one else around, and I don’t want to cling to Joshua the entire time. Plus, he must have things to take care of as the alpha. I do a once-over of the crowd again to see if I’d missed Rose, and I notice something that terrifies me a little. I notice that everyone is staring at me.
“Why is everyone glaring at us?” I whisper in Joshua’s ears.
“Because I’m the alpha of the clan. Men are eyeing you for a different reason than women,” Joshua says. His words are serious, resolute. I can tell he is in his clan alpha persona. Not that I have witnessed it ever before to say that with certainty, but there is an unease to him that I’m not sure I comprehend or like, for that matter.
The lights that I have been admiring around the rotunda are finally lit, and they look even more mesmerizing than I imagined they would.
“So what do people usually do at the winter solstice festival,” I whisper into Joshua’s ear again. Something makes me think that every time I lean in close to Joshua I hear an eerie collective gasp from the crowd.
“Well, not much. We sit around the fire. The ladies sing songs sometimes,” Joshua says pointing to a group of women who have formed a wreath and go around stepping from side to side in a celebratory dance. “The kids are gung-ho,” Joshua gestures to a cabal of children running helter-skelter all around the rotunda. “Adults usually drink,” he then eyes a group of men who seem to be Joshua’s age, sitting under a white tent enjoying drinks. There are a few women with them, too. I find Raymond and Julia in one corner talking to some more people. “The seniors sit around the fire.” That concludes Joshua’s tour of the festival.