Ashes To Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Well, considering she was about to whisper it all, she didn’t blame them.

  “It was everything. I didn’t know I was going to sleep with him until it was happening. And he was kind and sweet and sexy as hell. He didn’t make me feel like I was doing anything too slow or fast or wrong. Not that I was doing anything wrong, but there was a moment there when I realized that, yes, this was my first time since Max, and while I wasn’t comparing, I had that clutch. That little heart twinge that said, ‘Okay, you can do this. You like Ryan. And you’re not cheating.’ And I wasn’t. And he looked me right in the eyes, and I knew that he understood what I was feeling. I didn’t know I could ever feel like that. I didn’t think I could ever have that connection. And I know that there were no promises made, and I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I don’t regret it. Not even a little. Because he made me happy. He does make me happy. And even if we just remain friends after this and never go on another date, even if we never sleep with each other again, I know that he was exactly what I needed, and what I need right now. I don’t really know what’s going to happen next, but he made me happy. And I guess that’s all that matters.”

  All four women were wiping tears from their eyes, and Abby didn’t realize she had let a few tears fall herself until Roxie handed her a napkin.

  “I’m glad that you’re happy,” Roxie whispered.

  There was such longing there in that statement, so much yearning that Abby reached out and squeezed her friend’s hand. Roxie met Abby’s gaze and then pulled her hand away, obviously not quite ready to tell the world what was going on with her. Then again, Abby was just now getting used to telling the world about herself.

  “So, he made you happy, but did he make you happy?” Adrienne emphasized the last word, and everyone giggled.

  “Yes. Multiple times. If you must know, he’s very good at what he does.”

  She lifted her chin, trying to look haughty. The rest of them just laughed.

  “And on that note, I have to get back to my store, but I love you guys. Thank you for letting me talk to you about things that I didn’t know I would ever be able to talk to anyone about. Thank you for just letting me be a dork. Because I don’t know exactly how I feel, but I know that I’m okay feeling what I feel. And that’s because of you guys, and because of Ryan. And on that note, I’m going to head out.”

  They all stood up, helping Thea clear off the table so she didn’t have to do it on her own. Then they hugged and kissed before Roxie and Kaylee left to their cars, and Adrienne walked part of the way to Abby’s store, stopping at her tattoo shop on the way so she could get back to work.

  That left Abby alone at Teas’d when she sent Thea’s part-time help back to the bakery. She reminded herself once again that everything would be okay.

  She was sore in all the right places, warm in others. She didn’t know if she would ever see Ryan again outside of work and maybe hanging out with the Montgomerys. Because although they had talked about it a bit, she didn’t really know for sure.

  Did she want to see him again?

  If she thought about it, the answer was yes.

  She did. But she didn’t want to rely on that, didn’t want to put too much pressure on Ryan. She knew he had secrets, knew he had scars that he didn’t want to talk about. But then again, she was just getting used to talking about her own.

  She didn’t know if she wanted to fall in love again. She had been in love, and it had hurt so bad to lose it that she was only now clawing her way out of the abyss.

  And though she knew in her mind that sleeping with someone and going on dates didn’t automatically mean you were falling in love, Abby wasn’t really good at casual dating. She hadn’t even slept with Max on their first date, but she had with Ryan.

  She wasn’t the same person she had been before, wasn’t even the same person she was two days ago at this point.

  But she was trying to figure it out.

  She didn’t know what would happen next, and even though that worried her, it kind of thrilled her at the same time. She had so many schedules and lists when it came to her life and Julia, so many things that had to be done because she was a single mom and because she had lost Max.

  But now she was trying to live in the moment, even if she wasn’t really good at it.

  She was learning.

  One soft memory of Ryan at a time.

  A few customers came in, and she helped them with their tea and their purchases, grateful that she would probably end up in the black for the month. She had been bringing in profits all year, and she did her best not to do a little dance in the middle of her shop and jinx it.

  When the bell over the door rang again, she turned, smiling as Ryan walked in. She knew her smile was wide, and though she tried to rein it in so she didn’t look like a dork, she knew it wasn’t working.

  She just looked at him and smiled even more.

  There was definitely something wrong with her.

  “You look nice,” Ryan said, coming over to her. He didn’t put his hands in his pockets this time, didn’t stay away as if he didn’t want to touch her. Or like he thought he couldn’t.

  Instead, he put one hand on her cheek and brushed his lips against hers. She closed her eyes, trying not to moan. He was so soft, and yet so hard.

  And in this moment, he was hers.

  She didn’t mind that there might not be moments after this.

  And if she kept telling herself, she’d be okay with it.

  “You don’t look too bad yourself,” she said. “I say that often when it comes to you. I need to think of new lines.”

  “I like hearing what you have to say.” He tucked her hair behind her ear. “I’m in between clients right now, but I thought I’d stop by and say hi. I know you were over at the bakery with the girls. I hope you had fun.” He raised his brow, and she knew that he knew exactly what she and the ladies had talked about.

  “I should feel embarrassed, but I have a feeling you know.”

  “Know that you and the girls were talking about our date last night? Yeah, I know, and I don’t mind. The guys asked me about it, and I didn’t go into detail, but I did say that we went on a date.”

  “I might have gone into a little bit more detail,” she said, cringing.

  Ryan laughed, that deep belly laugh that went straight to her core. “See? And now I’m going to have to look Adrienne in the eyes later today and know that she knows something that I’m not sure I want her to know.”

  “I’m sorry, Ryan.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m just kidding with you. And I did come over here for a purpose.”

  “Peppermint tea?”

  He shook his head, and her stomach filled with butterflies again. “I like the tea, but I think I like you more.”

  “You think?” Once again, her voice was a whisper. And not because she didn’t want anyone to hear. Because it was just her and him, just them in the space.

  “Oh, I know, but I didn’t want to sound too forward.”

  “I don’t mind, at least about that.”

  “Good, then let’s do it again.”

  “The sex? Or when I talk about Max for hours?” She hadn’t meant to blurt that out, but here she was, being a dork again.

  “Either. Both? And you didn’t talk about Max for hours. I just want to get to know you. I mean, I know you, but I want to know you more. And I want to go on another date.”

  “I think I’d like that.”

  Before they could say anything else, the bell over the door rang, and both of them turned.

  When Ryan suddenly put his body between her and the person coming through the door, his shoulders going back, and his hands fisting at his sides, she knew that something was wrong.

  And she knew that this might end badly.

  “What are you doing here, Michael?”

  Chapter Eight

  Ryan’s stomach lurched as Michael took another step into Teas’d.

  Michael being he
re couldn’t be good. In fact, Ryan knew that whatever Michael had in store, it would likely hurt everybody in the end. It always did when it came to Michael.

  “What are you doing here, Michael?” Ryan asked again when his brother didn’t say anything. Michael looked around the tea shop, and Ryan knew that his brother was taking in everything as if he were casing the place. Michael would see random bags of tea, containers for it, and teapots and handmade ceramics. He wouldn’t see anything valuable, but that was his brother. He only saw value in monetary worth. Whatever he could use to get more drugs or use more people.

  He wouldn’t see the heart and the soul of the place. Wouldn’t see all of the hard work that Abby had put into everything that she did. He wouldn’t see the way she had arranged each of the areas so that people felt like they were at home and could just sit right down and have a cup of tea.

  He wouldn’t see the different flavorings and the ways that Abby did her best to make sure it felt like it was a new season with each one so her customers felt like they could just sip and enjoy their time.

  Michael wouldn’t see any of that.

  He wouldn’t see the value in what Abby had, or even in who she was.

  But Ryan did.

  And because he knew that Michael always saw what Ryan had, wanted what was Ryan’s and coveted it for himself, Ryan had to get his brother out of this place before he screwed it all up. Ryan knew that he could screw up everything just fine on his own, he didn’t need the help of his drug-addicted brother.

  And Michael was completely stoned off his ass right then.

  Ryan could see the glassy sheen in eyes so like his own set in his brother’s sunken face. He could see the dark shadows beneath those eyes. He could see his brother’s state in the way Michael suddenly twitched, itching a spot on his arm through his jacket. He could see it in the way Michael staggered just a little as he took another step into the store.

  He could see it in the way his brother’s eyes weren’t completely tracking, even as he cased the place.

  His brother was stoned. High off whatever he could get. Probably having used the last of whatever money he’d taken from someone else. Because Michael never got a job, no matter how many times his parents or Ryan had tried. Michael didn’t like to work for his money. He liked it given to him. When they had been younger, their parents had obliged.

  Ryan had gotten a job when he was a teenager, had wanted to earn his way because that was how he’d thought to outdo his brother. His parents’ attention had been solely on Michael, and Ryan had wanted to be different. Had wanted everything to be different. He’d worked for his money rather than taking it all like Michael did.

  His brother preferred just sitting down and letting other people take care of him.

  But Ryan wouldn’t let that happen.

  He just didn’t know how to get his brother out of this place.

  “Nice place you have here,” Michael said, his voice not slurred but very precise, as if he was doing his best to say every single word like he meant it rather than slurring.

  “I’m going to ask you again, Michael. What are you doing here?”

  Ryan felt Abby put her hand on his back. It should have strengthened him, should have sent some warmth through him like it usually did, but it did nothing. All it did was remind Ryan that Michael could screw up everything, even more than Ryan could do on his own. It reminded him that he needed to get his brother out of Abby’s place and away from her life. Ryan needed to stay away from Abby. She deserved far more than a lover with a drug-addicted brother. She deserved far more than anything that Ryan could give her.

  But he couldn’t think about his need, couldn’t focus on what he wanted and what he would be so sad to lose. He needed to focus on Michael.

  Again.

  “I can’t just come and visit my dear brother? I mean, you don’t call, you don’t write. All you do is pretend that you know what the fuck you’re doing. You know, I see you sitting here drinking tea like some fancy boy. Dad wouldn’t have liked that. He never did like the fact that you like taking it up the ass, but then again, you usually enjoyed sticking it in a girl or a guy when you were done. It didn’t really matter though, did it, Ryan? Daddy always liked you more than me. Maybe if I didn’t mind taking it up the ass like you, he’d have loved me more.”

  Bile slid up Ryan’s throat, and he took a step forward towards Michael, trying to get him out of the place before he did any more damage.

  “Don’t,” he growled, but Michael ignored him.

  Ryan knew that Abby was aware he was bisexual. It had come up in conversation in the past, and she hadn’t seemed to mind. Between his friends, he was pretty sure that only one or two weren’t bisexual. In fact, a trio of friends up in Denver even lived in a true triad. Sexuality didn’t mean anything to them beyond the fact that it was their identity.

  So the fact that Michael was saying things the way he was, probably trying to get a rise out of Ryan or embarrass him in front of Abby, wouldn’t work the way Michael wanted it to.

  Instead, all it did was put crude words into the air, though that might hurt his relationship with Abby.

  Then again, that was probably what Michael wanted.

  Because Michael never liked it when Ryan had anything of his own.

  “You need to get out of here, Michael. Let’s go and talk outside. Or get some coffee somewhere.”

  Not at Thea’s.

  Ryan’s voice was firm, and far steadier than it had been when he was younger. This wasn’t the first time Michael had come into a place where Ryan was, trying to screw everything up. And Ryan was afraid that it wouldn’t be the last. But this would be the last time Michael ever stepped foot in Abby’s place.

  Abby was special. Abby was everything.

  And he’d be damned if Michael hurt the woman Ryan cared about. The woman he wanted to be his woman. The woman who couldn’t be his woman.

  “You know, you keep trying to tell me what to do, and I don’t think you understand, my brother. My twin. I don’t think you understand that I don’t have to listen to anything you fucking say. I didn’t when we were younger, and I damn well sure don’t now. All you had to do was help me, but instead, you sit on your high horse in your big fucking house and pretend that I’m not even your brother. I’m your flesh and blood, Ryan. I’m the one who means the most to you, at least I should.”

  Michael leaned over and looked around Ryan to wave at Abby.

  “Hi there, doll. What’s your name?”

  “Don’t talk to her.”

  “Oh?” There was a flash of triumph in his brother’s eyes, and Ryan knew that he had made a mistake. He shouldn’t have protected Abby, but then again, there was no damn way he wasn’t going to protect her.

  Michael was going to try and get what he wanted, and Ryan would do what he could to make sure that never happened.

  “You shouldn’t hide her,” Michael said, looking at his brother. “I mean, she’s a pretty little thing. Maybe we should share her like we did when we were younger.”

  Ryan took another step forward, and Michael took a step back, knocking into a display of tea canisters. They shook against the wall but didn’t fall. That made Ryan freeze because there was no way he was going to destroy Abby’s shop trying to get his brother out of the place. He would just remain calm and collected and make sure that Michael didn’t fuck everything up.

  Ryan lowered his voice and tempered his anger as much as possible. “We didn’t share when we were younger, Michael. You’d need to be sober and not drugged off your ass to get it up.” Ryan winced, annoyed with himself for letting his temper spill over. He shouldn’t goad his brother, he just needed to get him out of there. If he did, everything would be okay.

  Everything had to be okay.

  Michael’s eyes narrowed into slits. “You’re an asshole. You know that? You think you’re so high and mighty, and yet you’re nothing. Just like you were when we were little.”

  Michael looked over
at Abby again. “And I know what your name is, dear Abby.” Michael giggled. Fucking giggled. “Oh, that’s funny. Maybe I can write to you like all those little old ladies do. I wouldn’t have those stupid fucking problems that don’t mean anything, but you could help me with my dear brother. Do you know that he has a stick up his ass? I mean, he has all those tattoos, and he thinks he’s so cool doing tattoos and piercings and living on the edge. But he’s just some fucking hipster with too much money and time on his hands. Mommy and Daddy loved me more most of the time, and Ryan never liked that. So he made sure that I didn’t get anything when they died. I mean, they kicked the fucking bucket, and I got nothing. There’s something fucking wrong with that.”

  “I said don’t talk to her,” Ryan snapped. And how the hell did he know Abby’s name? It wasn’t on the shop, and she didn’t wear a name tag. That meant that Michael had been watching them for more than just today.

  That sent chills down Ryan’s spine, and he shook his head, trying not to throw up. “You need to leave.”

  “Yes,” Abby said, her voice firm and without a trace of fear in it. “This is my place of business, and you’re not welcome here. You need to go before I call the police.”

  Michael just shook his head, still giggling. “You think you can tell me what to do? A bitch thinking she can tell me what to do? You know nothing, just like you, Ryan. Little fucking Jon Snow who knows nothing but is apparently good with his tongue. Because the only way you can get her is by using that mouth of yours. I bet that beard feels good between your thighs, doesn’t it, little bitch?”

  Ryan took a step forward and grabbed his brother by his leather jacket. “I need you to fucking leave.”

  “I don’t think so.” Then Michael wiggled away, smashing his elbow into Ryan’s gut.

  Ryan hadn’t been expecting that, and sucked in a breath as he tried to grab his brother.