An Agent for Gillian

by Ginny Sterling

  “I know who you are,” she replied, ignoring his hand as she searched his face. Things would be even worse if her original thoughts were actually right – maybe he was a big, angry, addle-pated lummox after all. This was going to be some experience for sure, she thought wryly.

  “Then you know I am trying to be nice to you,” Cade retorted and pulled his hand back, frowning at her. She was not enthused at all in the slightest at being married to this big oaf. He was so far from anything she’d ever been attracted to or befriended that this was going to be a sheer challenge of mental strength from her. Maybe someone else would be getting a dose of humble pie on this mission too!

  “You don’t have to be.”

  “I thought things might go better.”

  “We don’t have to be friends to get the job done.”

  “True – and you don’t have to be rude either,” he said crossing his arms.

  “I’m not rude,” she retorted, feeling her temper rise.

  “What do you call it when someone tries to be nice and the other person throws it in your face?”

  “The truth?”

  “You can’t and won’t even try - will you?”

  “Are you actually trying?”

  “I haven’t left you behind or thrown you off the train - yet.”

  “Would you really do that?”

  “Look, I don’t want to be married any more than you do - but we are - so let’s make the best of it. Can we be… friends?” he asked, making a sour face. He looked like he’d just sucked on a lemon at saying the word friends to her. Yes, this was going to be a strained partnership between them. He extended his hand politely one more time and looked at her.

  “Acquaintances,” Gillian corrected, putting her hand in his and giving it a single shake. “Now, husband, you might want to take advantage of getting some sleep as we pull out of the station since currently our bedding is unoccupied and you are wasting precious sleeping time for yourself.”

  “I appreciate you thinking of me,” he retorted.

  “I’m thinking of myself,” she amended drolly. “I don’t want to have to wake you up when I get tired and do me a favor- please don’t drool on the pillows. The idea of lying in your rumpled bed is unsettling enough as it is. I’d rather pretend we were siblings than being married. The idea fairly turns my stomach.”

  “There’s a brass spittoon in the corner should you need to vomit, dear wife,” he retorted mockingly. Gillian looked around to see if anyone nearby had picked up on the snide way he called her his wife. If they did or said anything to her, she could simply play it off as them having marital problems between them.

  Cade leaned down quickly kissed her on the cheek. Gillian looked up at him in utter shock, seeing his face was inches from hers. Stunned, she saw that his brown eyes were actually hazel. His eyes were golden with flecks of brown and green in their depths. They were beautiful and she shivered at the thought. She didn’t want to think of anything regarding Cade as ‘beautiful’.

  “That was all for show, I assure you, and from the surprised look on your face - I see that my kiss wasn’t as bad as you thought. You haven’t gotten ill yet, have you?”

  “Go away and lay down,” she ordered, needing time away from him so she could process the day’s events. She watched him disappear into the Pullman car and turned to stare out the window as the train began to roll forward, gaining momentum. They would be in Pennsylvania before she realized it and watched in silent wonder that the turn her life had taken already.

  Hours flew by and Gillian never even realized that sunset wasn’t only a breathtaking sight as they sped along through the wheat fields on the plains – but it was an indicator that her new partner/husband would be rejoining her. As if on cue, Cade plopped down inelegantly in the chair beside her looking distinctly disheveled and disgruntled.

  “Did the bed bother you?”

  “I dozed off a bit but nothing too restful.”

  “I didn’t realize it was getting so late,” Gillian explained ruefully, looking back out the window. “Seeing the world fly by so quickly is just stunning and makes you realize how far we’ve advanced.”

  “What did you do all afternoon?”

  “I’ve done nothing but stare out the window.”

  “Do you want to have dinner together? I thought maybe we could talk.”

  “I guess that is what married couples do, don’t they?”

  “Yep,” Cade agreed and then got up to find the attendant. He spoke with the man in uniform for several moments as Gillian watched, before returning to his seat. “They are bringing out the meals shortly.”

  “Thank you for checking. I am famished.”

  “Of course.”

  “That is something my husband used to do for me,” Gillian began softly, looking out the window again. “Michael used to make sure we always had something to prepare for dinner and one of the first things I missed when he died.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss,” Cade said quietly. Gillian looked over to him and smiled sadly. She’d never expected him to say that or show consideration regarding what she might be feeling or going through.

  “Thank you,” she murmured. “I am sorry for your own loss as well.”

  “Losses,” he stressed. It was obvious that the pain was still something he struggled with and she felt a sort of kinship grow with the strange man. She still caught herself calling out for Michael to see if he needed something before realizing he wasn’t there anymore. “I lost my wife and my son in the same day. I never thought that something so wonderful as a baby could bring such pain.”

  “What happened?” Gillian asked, finding herself curious at the expression on his face. He looked almost regretful. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

  “No, I don’t mind,” Cade gave a half-hearted sardonic laugh that didn’t sound at all humorous. “People always told me that it helped to talk about Madeline and Allen but the pain is still there. It still hurts.”

  “Those people obviously haven’t gone through anything recent, have they?”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Allen is a strong boy’s name. I bet he was beautiful.”

  “He was perfect. All his fingers and toes were so tiny. I’d never seen anything so utterly breathtaking in my life – a part of me and my wife, you know?”

  “What happened to them both?”

  “Madeline bled out and the cord was around Allen’s neck. I named him Allen after her father to honor her memory. What about your husband? What happened to him?”

  “I had thought it was someone Michael knew when the bandits knocked on the front door. I opened it like a naïve fool, allowing them into our house. It wasn’t until Michael came around the doorway that I saw the fear in his eyes. Someone struck me from behind and when I woke up, I was tied up. They were talking with him in the other room, asking for money. I think my husband got into some problems that he couldn’t escape from,” Gillian admitted.

  The truth of it surprised her. She’d always thought that they were innocent but replaying the moment in her head, she knew something wasn’t quite right. Parts of that day were blurry in her memory and others were horrifically focused on finding her husband dead, dulling the rest of her senses.

  “I remember them coming back into the room where I was tied up and I remember seeing a black pair of boots before the man kicked me hard here,” she whispered painfully, pointing to her stomach. “I couldn’t breathe and passed out from the pain. When I came to, it was dark out and that is when I found Michael.”

  “What happened?”

  “He was shot in the chest.”

  “You are lucky you aren’t dead too.”

  “Am I?” Gillian asked softly, looking at Cade straight in the eyes. “Do you feel that way when the memories are just too much to bear? I’m glad to be alive, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I wish I could have at least said goodbye or told him that I loved him one more time.”

  “It might have been bet
ter how it happened,” Cade admitted painfully, not looking away from Gillian but rather staring at her as if to let her in on something he’d kept to himself.

  “I held Madeline, telling her that I loved her. I begged her not to go - but nothing could change what was happening before me . I thought I would go mad when I saw her soul slip from her eyes. Her very essence was gone. It was like holding someone who was asleep and wouldn’t wake up. I never got to see Allen’s spark of life in his eyes. My boy was gone before I could ever meet him.”

  Gillian saw Cade’s eyes shine with unshed tears at the memory just before he wiped his eyes and looked away. He took several deep breaths and stared at the ceiling of the rail car, trying to compose himself.

  “Sorry,” he uttered, lacing his fingers together and leaning forward as he rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ve never said the words aloud even though I’ve been told to by friends of mine. I felt like they wouldn’t understand how broken or lost I really was right after their deaths. It’s gotten easier as time has passed until something hits me.”

  She reached forward and laid her hand atop of his. Her own eyes were burning with tears as she nodded tightly. A single tear fell down her cheek as she met Cade’s eyes.

  “I know exactly what you are saying.”

  “I think that is why I was able to tell you.”

  “That- and we are supposed to be acting like we are newly married?” she joked thickly, wiping her cheeks.

  The attendant chose that moment to come by with the dinner cart. Their train didn’t have a dining car on it due to the luxury that having hot meals would be. Cade quickly selected two plates for them since they all seemed the same. It was a variety of cold meats, beans, and cheeses. A small table was set up beside their chairs and Cade put the two plates atop of it. They were given two glasses of water for the simple meal.

  Gillian looked away to compose herself. It would do no good to break down crying in front of the rest of the people occupying the train car. The chatter around them was dying down as everyone began to eat their meals. Taking a sip of water, she swished it around her mouth for a moment, trying to get her emotions under control.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Are you?” she countered quickly with a pained smile.

  “Not really, but I will be.”

  “Same here,” Gillian admitted. She held up her glass of water ruefully and saw Cade’s eyebrow raise in question. “To our loved ones who represent our treasured past and to brand new partnerships that are truly unexpected.”

  “Here, here. I will happily drink to that,” Cade said ruefully, his lip upturned in a half smile. “If we had something other than tepid water to drink.”

  “Then we’ll have to toast again once we get settled.”

  “Agreed. It’s unexpectedly halfway pleasant to have met you Gillian.”

  “And you, Cade,” she admitted candidly to him. Neither one had planned to leave Denver married to each other and there was a modicum of respect shared in knowing the other had lived through the loss of a spouse. Now, if her partner and new husband could simply grow a personality or be kind – she might be able to tolerate him for the next few weeks that the mission took.

  Cade walked Gillian back to the sleeper car, showing her their assigned bunk. She saw that it looked almost like steel bunks that had small curtains on them for privacy. She could hear people whispering nearby and hoped it quieted down soon.

  “Thank you,” she said awkwardly, looking at Cade. He was hovering protectively like a mother hen as others tried to squeeze past them where they stood in the aisle. “I will come trade off with you in the morning.”

  “Take your time and rest.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Pretend the rocking motion is simply you trying to fall asleep in a hammock or something. It lulls you into a trance eventually,” he explained, shrugging his large shoulders. Gillian almost laughed at the idea that he was trying to explain how he managed to fall asleep in the cramped space.

  “How did you fit in there?” she asked boldly in a quiet, hushed voice between them.

  “Not very well,” he admitted, smiling down at her. Gillian quickly looked away, feeling her pulse quicken. Nerves, she thought, it’s just anxiety about the mission. “That’s why I wasn’t able to rest.”

  “Maybe you can stretch out your legs somewhat when the passenger car is empty and everyone is sleeping.”

  “We’ll see,” he said evasively. “Don’t worry about me. Climb on in and close your curtains so no one bothers you.”

  “Including you?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Gillian looked up at him sharply and saw the realization in his eyes at what he’d said aloud. His eyes widened and his face flushed bright red under his tanned skin. He looked as shocked as she was.

  “No. I mean… that I wouldn’t bother you as you slept… ah… you know what I meant, right?” Cade stammered nervously. He was rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, looking away from her and unable to meet her eyes. Could the big oaf be shy?

  “Goodnight, Cade,” she said in acknowledgement, dismissing him. She was tempted to tease him about being shy but that would only cause either more animosity between them or kindle a friendship between them – both of which she didn’t really need right now. She turned and lay down in the small space. The bunk above her was about a foot from her nose and made her a little claustrophobic. She closed her eyes and tried to rest. At some point she did slip away and began dreaming.

  Gillian was in a coffin and couldn’t breathe. She tried to get out but the lid wouldn’t budge. She pushed and pushed against the lid, desperate for air and her freedom. The pine lid reminded her of Michael’s coffin. She saw their initials inside of the lid where she’d written them, just like he’d carved them on a tree near their home. If their initials were on the wooden lid, that meant she was inside of his coffin! Turning her head ever so slightly in terror, she screamed at the image of her dead husband beside her.

  “Gillian! Gillian! You’re okay!” Cade’s words broke through her subconscious as he pulled her flailing body from the bunk. “Shhhh. I’ve got you. It was just a bad dream.”

  “I was trapped in a coffin and couldn’t get out,” she confessed, throwing her arms around Cade’s neck where he held her. She had no one else to turn to right now and desperately didn’t want to be alone. She’d settle for company even if it was the big grouch of a man she was now married to.

  “I’ve never been so scared. Michael was there and he was dead,” she breathed, shivering at the memory of it. She didn’t want to remember his bluish tinged skin. She wanted to picture his smiling face and dancing eyes.

  “Let’s sit down for a bit,” Cade said encouragingly and swept her up in his arms without asking. Gillian didn’t even balk at it because she was still fighting off the nightmarish images in the forefront of her mind. He carried her into the passenger car and set her down in her chair. He took the seat right beside her. She saw that it was still dark outside, indicating it was the middle of the night. Her hair had fallen around her face. She moved to push the heavy locks away but saw how badly her hands were trembling.

  “I hate the nightmares the worst,” Gillian confessed in a whisper.

  “Do they happen often?”

  “Often enough. Don’t you get them?”

  “All the time,” Cade admitted.

  “Does it ever fade or grow any less terrifying?”

  “I certainly hope so.”

  “If you want to go lie down in the bunk - you can,” she offered, shivering at the memory that was fresh in her mind. “I don’t think I can sleep anymore. The bunk is so small it originally reminded me of a coffin, which is probably why I dreamt what I did.”

  “You can try to rest here,” Cade said politely. “If I lean back in the seat and stretch my legs, it’s not so bad.”

  “I don’t know if that will work for me with my corset on,” she admitted in a hushed whisper. The m
an disliked her and it was obvious he was trying hard to be nice to her. Maybe he was right and they should simply develop some sort of kinship so that the next few weeks weren’t unbearable.

  “I hate to even tell you that but you were married so surely you can understand how awful these contraptions can feel sometimes.”

  Cade’s cheeks flushed and he nodded tightly, looking away. She could see how mortified he was by her candidness. She didn’t want to see a true reaction out of him or see him as a genuine person. She wanted the cold civility or anger between them- it would be easier to handle instead of the sheepishness that looked utterly and unexpectedly adorable right now. He wouldn’t even look her in the eyes!

  “This is all terribly embarrassing and I can’t believe I was crying out in my sleep. I can go lay down again and try not to bother you,” she muttered, rising to her feet and quickly walking away.

  Cade couldn’t believe the feelings racing through his mind right now at the petite redheaded woman he’d found himself married to. He’d always run away from a partnership and thought this hotheaded creature would be able to handle herself as she’d claimed when speaking with Archibald Gordon.

  He didn’t want to see her as a woman.

  He didn’t want to think of her as vulnerable or sweet, yet here she was talking about her corset after he’d just pulled her warm body from the bunk of the sleeper car. He’d jumped up in alarm at her first cry of distress, grateful that she’d remained completely clothed for both their sakes. When he’d carried her into the passenger car, it hit him like a ton of bricks. He liked the way she felt in his arms, and missed that sensation.

  It took everything in him to keep from uttering things he shouldn’t even be thinking. He thought about suggesting that they both lie down in the bed, but innocently, of course! They’d both be clothed and could roll up the blanket between them like people used to do when they bundled someone before marriage. Problem was that they were, quite literally, already married.

  He didn’t want to think of her as his wife. He didn’t want to see how kind she was… nor did he want to feel attracted to her. The more Gillian talked with him or smiled at him, the more drawn he felt towards her. When she wasn’t angry, she was lovely, but when she was snarling with the ferocity of a kitten – she was utterly breathtaking.