He started for the exit, not paying attention to his surroundings, just seeking a way out. Some dark place where he could escape to and find a way to shut off his pain. His hate and anger. His self pity.
Footsteps were a soft, hazy echo as he found his way outside. Cold air blanketed his face. Sirens echoed on the breeze. He could faintly see flashing lights in the distance. He headed the opposite way, following the icy sidewalk along the outer wall of the hospital, and found his way to a dark, secluded area by the dumpsters. It was more of an alley, and wallowing with the trash seemed oddly fitting.
He scratched at his scalp as he settled down on the cold pavement, leaning back against a dumpster. His head thumped softly as it hit the metal. He stared up at the black abyss overhead. Not even a single star lit the sky. Nothing but empty darkness. Like his heart; his soul, if he even had one.
Sandy’s face flashed in his mind, her eyes wide with fear as his hands closed on her throat.
He wanted to hurt himself, wanted to punch something, but what was the use? It wouldn’t undo what he’d done. Nothing could make him feel better.
Maybe death could. It would end his miserable suffering. Everyone would be better off without him. Sandy, Tony, Amelia, Mimi. Hell, he had even chewed out his grandma recently. And she hadn’t exactly deserved it either.
He wished he had never been born. He wished he had died when he’d overdosed years ago. If only Josh had left him on the ground, let his heart stop as it should have. That was when he was meant to die. He had thought about it before. His mind always went back to that day. Every time that he struggled to drag himself out of his addiction, he’d had that same thought. He should have died that day. Things would be so much better for everyone. He wouldn’t have to fight anymore. Bruised and beaten, he couldn’t continue on. Every bit of fight he’d had, he’d used. Giving up was all he had the strength for.
Worn out. Defeated. He sat in the still night, watching his breath fog the frosty air, waiting for God to take pity on him and strike him down.
Footsteps steadily approached. Valarie looked down at him with sadness wetting her eyes. He felt as if he should be the one crying, but his eyes were as dry as the desert. He had finally accepted that there was nothing inside of him worth saving. He would stay in that spot, willing his heart to stop beating until it listened. That was what he wanted. He couldn’t go on. Valarie was right. Aurora would take him over again. One tiny slip-up and he’d be killing Sandy all over again. There was nothing he could do for his cousin but fade away.
Fat tears slid down Valarie’s cheeks. Her pink nose sniffled. It was as if she could read every thought running through his head. Maybe she could. Or maybe she could see it on his face. He closed his eyes and tiny drops of tears wet his lashes. He hadn’t expected that.
He heard a shuffle as Valarie sat on the pavement beside him. Her hand closed around his. He was sure she meant to be warm and comforting, but it felt the opposite. It only brought to light how wrong Todd was. Even his hands felt hard and cold as stone. But her hands were real flesh and bone. Warm and soft. She was human, living, and he was waiting at the edge of death.
They sat in complete silence for a while. It felt like an eternity. Icy cold air froze the tears on his lashes. Fog curled in wisps from his breath, and Valarie’s breaths mingled with his in the close darkness of the alley. Each moment spent in silence made him feel a bit more human, a bit closer to real.
“I want to help you,” she whispered.
“I can’t be helped,” he said quietly, voice as rough as sandpaper. “I’m so… tired,” he admitted, blinking his heavy eyes.
“I know you are. But now’s not the time to give up. Your father doesn’t want you to give up.”
Tears slid down his cold cheeks. His dad, a man he never knew, what could he care? “My dad’s dead.”
“Yes, he is,” she said, voice wavering with emotion. “But he’s not gone. He’s here, and he’s asked me to help you. I will help you, Todd.”
He looked into her deep blue eyes, not wondering over what she’d said, not questioning her motives, but searching for something-some reason to trust her.
“It’s not over, sweetheart. Not yet. You can do this. You can survive. You can thrive.”
“What if I fail?” he asked in little more than a breath.
“I won’t let you.”
He shook his head, staring down at the pavement. “I can’t,” he confessed. “I just… I can’t.”
“You’ve come too far to give up now.” She stood and held her hand out to him. “Get up. Fight. One last time.”
He stared at her beckoning hand. One last time. Just once more. One…
He lifted a heavy arm, hesitantly placing his hand in hers.
One last fight.
CHAPTER 34
NEW FUTURES
Eric and I waited at Tony’s. Luckily, he and his family hadn’t returned yet. Through texting my brother, we confirmed that I indeed had a place to stay. Eric was worried about leaving me near Todd, but I knew he’d never hurt me now. I only wished he wouldn’t have to be high to be sure of it.
I leaned against Eric, my head settled against his shoulder. He pulled me tighter to him. “I’m so sorry this happened to you,” he murmured into my hair and pressed a kiss to my head.
I snuggled closer and wrapped my arms around him, sinking into the sofa a little more with the movement. His hand clasped mine, and I felt the familiar tingle. The rapping of a memory on my senses. Something inside of Eric was begging to be seen, but I’d seen more than enough. I couldn’t take another memory. I couldn’t handle anything but my current life at the moment. Was it so much to ask for a second of peace? Just a moment to sit and process? Everything had happened so fast since visiting Aurora and breaking our deal.
An emotion leaked though our clasped hands anyway, confirming my stance. Acceptance. This was an emotion I did not want right now. I couldn’t accept the way life was crumbling around me. No, this memory would have to wait.
A knock sounded at the door. It could only be one person that I could think of. Eric got up slowly, untangling his fingers from mine, and with the separation, the buzz of the vision dissipated. I followed Eric to the door, wanting to take him by the hand and drag him back to me. I needed the security of his embrace. Instead, I curled my hands into the ends of my sleeves and crossed my arms. The feeling didn’t even compare.
Eric’s mom stepped inside the doorway. She looked exhausted, anxious, and overwhelmed as she set Todd’s keys on the counter.
“You found him?” I asked eagerly.
She nodded. “He’s downstairs.” I made a move for the door, but she stopped me. “He doesn’t want to see you. Not like this. But you will see him again.” She walked into his room and reached for a cardboard box. She opened the lid to check the contents. “Come on, Eric. It’s time to go. Bring this box down.”
“He’s coming with us?” Eric asked.
She nodded again, patience worn from the day. “Yes, yes.” Her eyes met mine. I was inching toward the door, trying to be inconspicuous as I decided if I was willing to risk a face-to face with Todd. She gave me a look that made me cringe. Not because it was harsh but because it was like she could see everything that I was thinking in that moment of hesitation. “I’m going to try to help him, Cassandra,” she offered sympathetically, but my mind wrapped around the word “try.” She gave no guarantee.
Eric set the box on the counter. “I’m staying here until Tony gets back. I’ll meet you at home,” he told her.
She was about to agree, but I shook my head. “I’ll be fine. I’m just going to go to sleep.”
“Are you sure?” he asked, brow furrowed in worry.
“Eric, I’m tired, and you have a long drive.”
He pulled me into a tight hug, and I fought the urge to wash weakly over him. I couldn’t let him see the weakness I felt. He needed to go.
“I love you, Cassandra,” he said in my ear. “I won’t let
you down.”
“I know,” I whispered back. “I love you, Eric.” I kissed him quickly and drew from his arms, keeping my focus on the floor. I never was fond of goodbyes.
His mom gave me a tight, suffocating hug. She let me know that Todd would be cared for and that the only place to go from here was up. Despite feeling like there was so much further left to fall, I accepted her encouragement with a nod. I watched Eric follow her out and prayed that he would come back to me stronger than before—and having not killed my cousin.
Yes, that was a concern of mine.
Eric was halfway out the door when he tossed Todd’s box to the floor in the hall. He turned suddenly, rushing back to me. His arms curled around my waist and drew me close. I held my breath, staring up into his intense eyes, body pressed flush against his. His head dipped, and his lips met mine passionately. His kiss made my walls built of sand come crashing down to our feet. I trembled, vulnerable in his strong arms, and he held me firmly, kissing me like it would be the last time. My eyes closed as he swept me away to a place where I felt safe, and my hands gripped his waist, clinging desperately, because I knew that I wasn’t safe. Not really. I was in his arms but would soon be without him.
My heart couldn’t beat without him. I was in deep. Deeper than ever before. I had done more than just fall in love with Eric Jansen. I was swallowed up by that love.
I needed him to stay, but he had to go. I gently pushed away, and his kiss lingered on my lips until the last possible moment. His intense eyes watched me desperately as I backed out of his hands.
“It’s alright, I’m okay,” I whispered. “Go.”
He reluctantly backed toward the door. Looking like every step was a chore, he watched me as he went. I looked down. The desperation I’d seen on his face sent chills racing over my skin.
The door shut, and he was gone. My heart sank, and my knees gave out. I dropped to the floor, staring helplessly at the closed door. I felt more alone than ever. Hot tears slid down my face, but I made no sound. I didn’t move and barely breathed. Why had I told him to go? I wanted him to stay. I needed him to stay. I should have begged them to take me too. My pathetic attempts to protect my heart only broke it.
I shook my head, trying to clear it of despair. Eric was doing this for us. He needed to go, and I needed to be strong now, so that we could spend our lives together.
Everything was going to work out, and soon, Aurora would be powerless to his mind.
1204
The door swung at my stoop, caught in a gust of wind. It slammed shut behind us. “I must go,” he said gravely.
“Eric.” My voice was soft. Hesitantly, I reached for his bandaged shoulder. Beneath his armor, it was barely noticeable, yet it served as a stark reminder of the life he led apart from me. “I fear I will never see you again. You face death each day. I fear we will be parted forever. I cannot bear to lose you too.”
“I am not so easy to kill,” he joked.
I shook my head, grief-stricken. He took my hands in his. Rough calluses teased my senses. I heard a rumble of thunder overhead, deep and commanding. In these times of drought, it was a comforting sound.
“Remember the heartache you felt before you knew me? Remember how beautiful memories once hurt to think on, memories you now share with a smile?”
I swallowed my hesitance and nodded.
“Just as that changed, this too will pass. You’ll see, one day we’ll have the world, Cassandra. One day, we’ll be together.”
He drew back, and my hand slipped from his. I couldn’t watch as he climbed his tall horse. I couldn’t endure watching him ride from me. Not again. Not when it felt like the end for us. Yet I forced my head up. I rested my gaze on his broad shoulders and studied the light that lay across his scarred face, for I knew, the moment I chose to look away, I would lose him. And I could never forgive myself for that.
TODD:
Todd sat in Valarie’s truck, leaning against the door as she drove. There was nothing but darkness ahead and behind. An occasional light cut the shadows, blinding as the other car passed. Eric followed close, leaving Sandy alone. Maybe he was no different from Todd. They both always left Sandy behind.
“It’s going to be alright, Todd,” Valarie reminded him softly.
Nothing felt quite real. The world was fuzzy around him. The last of his stash worked its way through his body, easing his pain, but nothing could end it. Not even Valarie’s magic. He was ripped open and handing himself over to someone as powerful as Aurora. He was at her mercy, but she was his only hope for some semblance of a life after what he’d done. He wasn’t quite sure it was what he wanted, but he was there, with her, beginning this new chapter of his struggles.
Her hand touched his shoulder. She kept doing that. Touching him. And every time she did, he found comfort in the action. Maybe it was her magic. Maybe it wasn’t, but it helped.
“You’re lying to us, aren’t you?” he said, the words coming from someplace buried deep within him. “I know you’re lying.”
Her fingertips slid across his scalp and forehead as she brushed his hair back from his face. Her palm settled on his forehead. “Shhh… Sleep, Todd,” she whispered. “Go to sleep.”
His eyes slowly closed, as if by command, and he slipped away into dreams of peace. Rushing ocean tides, sandy beaches, and beautiful sunrises. In this place, there was no fear of the waves and water that spread endlessly into the distance before him. Instead, it was his hope: vast, powerful, and steady. It was a beautiful illusion that was becoming his reality, wave by crashing wave.
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