by Laine Watson
“You haven’t changed that much,” he says with a smirk.
I smile, affectionately at him.
We continue to talk the night away, sharing our past and insecurities. When I leave, I do it quietly, unwillingly. I keep that to myself.
Chapter Twelve: Flashbacks
It’s been a few months. I rushed through my midterms, barely studying. As agreed, every Tuesday and Thursday I pick up Max from school and take him to my mom’s office for his speech therapy. Afterward, I make dinner for the three of us. After dinner, when Max is sleeping, Haru and I watch movies, get to know each other, and become closer—something I never thought I could do with a guy.
It’s the weekend, and I’m in my bed. A dreamy sigh passes from my lips. I wish I had an excuse to go and hang out with Haru and Max. Without them, I kind of have no life.
I turn over on my belly, smiling to myself. Haru. My eyes glisten, thinking back to when we first met. He doesn’t look as innocent anymore. Max is perfect. I’m glad he’s doing better with his speech. The older he gets the more people are going to bully him anyway. At least he won’t have to deal with people making fun of him because of the way he speaks. I imagine Max older, in high school, and before I can think of a scenario of Max being bullied, a memory escapes from the dark place inside my mind and plays through my head.
It’s so clear, like I’m reliving it again.
I stand at my locker, getting books for my next class. A gust of anger lingers around me, causing a shiver to pass through my bones.
“Look at this simple bitch,” Sid says with so much hate and animosity in her tone. I ignore her words. “Y’all better keep your man away from her. She’s a nasty bitch. She doesn’t care if his dick was inside of you, she’ll still suck it. Weirdo, bitch. Stalking other people’s men.”
Another person says, “She can suck his dick; that’s fine. Her breath smell like dick juice anyway. Ugly ass, hoe. Stay away from my man. He don’t want your nasty pussy.”
“Psycho-stalker bitch!” a person I don’t even know chimes in.
A hand pushes me face first into my locker.
The laughter pierces my being, angering me, but I feel helpless.
Like I do every day.
I shake my head free of the memory, but the insults still linger on my mind. Not just the one from my memory, but all of the names I was called through high school. Loser, weirdo, skank, bitch, thirsty hoe, liar, want-to-be man stealer, psycho, and creepy-stalker girl.
My mom didn’t know. She had no idea I’d cry myself to sleep most nights. Back then all she cared about was work.
Haru’s such a good parent. He’s always with Max, even though he works all the time he still makes time for him. I sit up, a calming feeling coming over me. I wish my mom would look at me like I’m worth something, too.
When I think about Haru and Max none of that stuff even matters anymore. He changed his whole life for him. Without one more thought, I grab my phone and call Haru. The phone rings twice.
“Summer? What’s Up?” I don’t really have anything prepared to talk about; there was no reason to call him, other than I wanted to hear his voice.
Think fast. “Hey, um. I wanted to ask you … when’s Max’s birthday?”
“Oh, it was November twentieth.”
“What?! It’s already passed, and you guys didn’t say anything? That was just a few weeks ago.”
“I mean we were just at the house. It’s no big deal.”
“He turned seven, right?”
“He turned six.”
“Oh, yeah kindergarten, right.”
“It was my birthday too.”
“What?! You guys have the same birthday?”
“Yeah. Weird, right?”
“Not really.”
“I turned twenty-eight.”
I think I knew that.
“I’m fucking old now.” Haru chuckles.
“What did you guys do for your birthdays?”
“We don’t really celebrate. I don’t want Max to get the wrong idea.”
“The wrong idea?”
“I want him to know his life is special every day. I didn’t want him to think his birthday was just another holiday. The only thing that really matters is that he knows he’s special and doesn’t feel like he’s missing anything because I didn’t spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on a bullshit party. I don’t want him to get in the habit of being selfish. I know that might seem a little extreme. I don’t really know how to be a parent and teach him values and shit. I’m just trying.”
Birthday. The day you were born. He wants him to know his life is special—unique. I wish I would have had someone who wanted me to know that.
Haru’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
“I don’t know how long he’s going to let me get away with it just being us for his birthday. I hope he doesn’t grow up and become a little dipshit or something.”
I laugh to myself, but I don’t speak.
“Hello?” he calls.
“Oh, um … I think that’s cool. He’ll be fine. He’s a pretty awesome kid. Getting gifts and things on your birthday and having parties is cool, but I think your idea is unique.”
“Thanks. Most of my friends just think I’m a cheap bastard.” He laughs. “I’m not. There are so many things more important than money.”
“You’re just saying that because you have a lot of money. Don’t act like you don’t walk around in three-piece suits that cost more than some people’s rent.”
“Everybody likes nice things, but it shouldn’t take over your life. I’ll be honest, I do like fancy shit. And on occasion, money is no object—I’m getting what the fuck I want and getting Max whatever the fuck he wants too—but there’s no fucking way my six-year-old is going to throw a fit because I didn’t do some stupid shit to make him look good in front of tiny people who eat boogers and don’t wash their hands—fuck that. Max isn’t like that; he doesn’t have weird entitlement issues. He’s a decent kid.”
“Yeah…”
“Having a few toys is fine. I just don’t want Max to be that kid who thinks his life is over because he didn’t get the latest videogame or toy or whatever. I don’t want him seeking attention and validation from other people or to think having shit makes him better than other people.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a bitch if someone would have cared to teach me how not to be a bitch—but a bitch can’t teach how not to be a bitch—I’m rambling sorry that was stupid… Anyway, yeah, I get it. Kids can’t have everything they want.”
“I try to get him whatever he wants, within reason. I don’t ever want him to lose that, ‘Daddy, can I have…’ or ‘Daddy, can we get…’” He sighs. “I want him to try hard, to be a good person, to treat people kindly, and not use them or treat them like they don’t matter… I don’t know what I’m talking about—I just don’t want him to be an asshole. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m trying to raise him, so he doesn’t grow up and fuck everybody’s shit up. I thought doing it in a non-traditional way might get better results.”
“I like your idea. It probably will mean more to him when he’s older. Those birthdays when it was just you and him, what did you guys do?”
“We made a cake together. We kind of just hung out and had an us day,” he explains.
“That sounds awesome. I wish I could have been there.”
“Really? I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d want to come. Maybe you’d feel like you had to pick up after or us or … I don’t know.”
“Even when I’m with Max, it doesn’t feel like I’m working or anything like that. Not with you either.” I hope I don’t sound stupid. I wish I could just tell him that I want to see him. I want to see Max too. I gulp. “And I could have helped with the cake. I bet Max had a lot of fun.”
“We both did; we were in a sugar coma before the night was over, but it was worth it.”
I giggle. “Cool. I was just calling, about t
he birthday thing. There’s always next year.”
“I bet Max would love for you to come and make a cake with us.”
“I’d like that too.” I sniffle for no reason. “Well, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Yeah, talk to you later.”
I end the call. The phone slides out of my hand onto the covers.
His voice makes me feel … warm. I pause. That same feeling I felt looking into his eyes, it won’t go away. It’s deeper now.
I might be falling in love with him.
Maybe, I’m already in love with him.
Chapter Thirteen: Wish
My phone rings, demanding for my eyes to open.
“Darby,” I say about to answer the phone. “Hello? Why are you calling me this early?”
“What? This early? It’s nine! Get your ass up. We’re having breakfast. Why haven’t you been answering your phone? Have you been doing it to that daddy dude?”
“Oh, my gosh! No!”
“Liar. Then where’ve you been?”
I sigh annoyed. “Fine. I’ll meet you at the park in an hour.”
“No need. I already grabbed food, and I’m coming to you. Bye.”
I sigh again and sit up. I do need to talk to someone. I can’t talk to Haru about Haru, and I can’t talk to my mom, because I’m pretty sure she’d never believe it, and she probably would not approve. Also, she has a crush on him. She hasn’t said anything in a while, but still, she won’t be cool with me being in love with this guy.
I have about an hour before class to hang out with Darby, so I better get going.
I get up, take a shower, and get dressed. When I come out of my room, Darby is sitting at the kitchen table eating out of a Styrofoam box.
I smirk. “I see you let yourself in.”
“Shut it. What’s going on? You haven’t told me anything for weeks! Are you guys going out?”
“No—not even.”
“Well?”
I sit down next to her.
She pushes the other box in front of me. “Eat. Talk. Spill—don’t choke.”
“I’m sort of Max’s nanny on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but once Max goes to sleep, it’s just me and Haru.”
“Haru? You’re calling him Haru? You guys must have gotten close,” Darby says, eyeing me.
“Yeah, but just as friends.”
“Have you ever tried to be more than friends?”
“Well, no. I don’t really know how to do that. I just thought if you really like somebody then you just say it.”
“Have you said it?”
“No, but I’m not a guy.”
“What does that mean? Why are you being sexist?”
“I’m not! What are you talking about?”
“The only way you’re going to know if he likes you is if he tells you? You can’t just ask him? You guys see each other a lot. Say something to him about it, instead of pining after him in unrequited love, which you don’t even know is unrequited. It might totally be requited.”
“But he’s the type of guy that always says what he means. He hasn’t said it. I just think it’s not even a thought of his.”
“Don’t put yourself down like that. You’re suitable for any man. I think you’re thinking too hard. It’s not that big a deal. I mean you’ve gone this long without having a real boyfriend. Are you looking to actually go out with Haru?”
“I mean…”
“He’s got a kid. You’re still in college. He’s got a good job. You guys live totally different lives. Are you actually ready to step in and be a mommy?”
“Well, I take really good care of Max.”
“Yeah, for two days a week. Being his mom means you don’t get paid anymore for doing the same shit you’ve been doing. Now, you’re going to do it more and for seven days a week. You don’t want that. You’re still trying to find your way in life. He’s already established. He knows where he’s going, and he’s en route while you haven’t even made it to the station. In fact, you haven’t even decided how you’re going to travel. You’re kind of just—”
“I get it! Shut up! I’m going nowhere in life, and he’s driving down the road in his own car headed wherever he’d like to go.”
“He is. You can’t just jump in with him. You could, but when he stops that means you do too. If you don’t have a route of your own, you’re always going to be riding in his car. That’s no good. You’re on his path, riding in his car, going where he wants to go. How do you even know you want to? At least, if you had your own way, you could travel down the same path.”
“I don’t…”
“Things are fine the way they are. I feel a little pushed away.”
“I’m not pushing you away.”
“I think you could learn a lot from a friendship with a guy who is obviously experienced.”
“He’s genuinely cool.”
“I wouldn’t know. It’s not like you’ve ever introduced me.”
“When would I introduce you?”
“Touché.” She smirks. “Anyway, while you’re still figuring things out, I think the relationship you have now is good. You’re making money. You’re not at your mom’s office being lame. It seems like you’re having fun, so what’s the big deal?”
“Yeah,” I say thoughtfully. “I guess there really isn’t a problem. You’re right. We do cuddle all the time. Not like we’re all huddled up together, but it’s comfortable around him. He could be out doing all kinds of stuff, but he’s there with me. His kid is there too, but at least he spends his time with me.”
“You’ll figure things out eventually. Don’t sweat it, and don’t put too much pressure on him either. If he’s hanging out with you the majority of the time, he probably doesn’t have a lot of good friends either. And—”
“And … it’s him!”
“Calling you at ten in the morning?”
“Hello?” I answer the phone, ignoring Darby.
“Yeah, Summer?” Haru’s voice says.
“Hi, Haru.”
“Hey! I know it’s a school day, but it’s the start of the weekend.”
“Yeah?”
“I was thinking about going to get some drinks with some guys from work. Do you think you can watch Max tonight? Unless you have plans.”
He’s going out with his friends? He wants me to babysit? I’m just the help.
“Oh, um … yeah, I can do that,” I say disappointed.
“Yeah? Seriously?”
“Yeah, no problem.” My voice is a little shaky.
“That’s great. I haven’t been out in so long. I’ll probably be home by ten. We’re just going to the bar after work. I’m not going to be super drunk, so don’t worry. I won’t come in talking bullshit.” He laughs.
I giggle. For some reason that makes me happy, and I forget about my last thought.
“So, yeah. I didn’t tell Max. He’s going to be excited to see you.”
“I saw him yesterday.”
“Yeah, but he’s adorable and you miss him.”
“You’re right.” I smile.
“Oh, my God! You guys are flirting,” Darby whispers.
“Really?” I whisper, holding the phone face down on my shoulder blade. He does flirt with me. Darby and I flail our hands at each other. I regain composure and put the phone back up to my ear calmly. “Want to watch a movie when you get home?”
“Yeah. I’m probably going to pass the fuck out, but that kind of happens all the time, huh?”
“A little, but you’re kind of cute when you’re super sleepy.” I giggle with stars in my eyes.
“Ah, so you watch me sleep?” he says slyly.
I immediately become embarrassed.
“I’m just kidding. You could always try to keep me awake.”
I giggle girlishly. “We could have a drink?”
Darby rolls her eyes.
“I don’t know if I trust you drinking and then going home. Your mom would probably kill me.”
“I’ll be fi
ne. I’ll just have a little.”
“Okay, it’s a date then. After me and the guys have a couple, I’ll come home and drink you under the table.”
I laugh. “So, you’re going to come home earlier?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. We’ll see how the night goes.”
“Okay then.”
“Talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
I end the call, sigh girlishly with dreamy eyes, and set my phone on the table. When I look over toward the left, Darby’s glare pierces my skin.
“What?”
“Friends … remember? You guys do get along well, but you guys were flirting the whole time on the phone!”
Am I really more than just the kid who babysits his kid? I exhale. I hope so.
“You’re so oblivious.”
“I really like him.”
“Like more than this, like kissing, going on dates, having sex?”
“I never thought about that part of it.” Kissing Haru. Being close to Haru. Do I want that?
“See, every girl needs a hot guy she can aimlessly flirt with and have it reciprocated. It doesn’t go any further than flirting. And that’s good. Gives you confidence for when you actually do try to tackle the dating game. Even if you strike out, you know you have someone who’s going to tell you you’re pretty. So it doesn’t really matter.”
“That’s an awesome way to look at it. I’m not thinking about dating at all. I just like to be around him and have fun.”
Even if I’m in love with him, there’s no way I’m ready to act on it. I just want to keep being with him and have what we have.
“And you can keep all the skanks away from him.” Darby laughs.
I laugh too and check my phone. “Yeah—oh, my gosh! I have to go. I’m going to be late,” I say, scrambling up from the table.
“You didn’t eat your breakfast.”
“Put it in the fridge,” I say, darting up the stairs to grab my keys and things. I rush back down. “Lock the door behind you!” I shout, as I run out of the house and to my car.
I speed to school and make it in time for my first class of the day. I’m able to focus on my work and do it cheerfully, instead of agonizing over how I feel about Haru or how he might feel about me. It’s nice to not be worried and understand our relationship.