Adventures of Bindle

by Herbert George Jenkins

  CHAPTER V

  THE GATHERING OF THE BANDS

  From the direction of Putney Bridge a large crowd was approaching.People were leaning over the sides of omnibuses, staring out of thewindows of trams, boys were whistling and exchanging comments, thepurport of which Mr. Hearty could not quite catch. In this newexcitement he forgot the "alibis," who gradually became absorbed inthe growing throng that collected outside the shop.

  Mr. Hearty gazed at the approaching multitude, misgiving in his soul.He caught a glimpse of what looked like a pineapple walking in themidst of the crowd, next he saw a carrot, then an orange. He turnedaway, blinked his eyes and looked again. This time he saw, moving inhis direction, an enormous bean, followed by a potato. Yes, there wasno doubt about it, fruit and vegetables were walking up Putney HighStreet!

  As they came nearer he saw that each vegetable was leading a donkey,on whose back were two boards, meeting at the top, thus forming atriangle, the base of which was strapped to the animal's back. Peoplewere pointing to the boards and laughing. Mr. Hearty could not seewhat was written on them.

  The sensation was terrific. A group of small boys who had run on aheadtook up a position near the door of Mr. Hearty's shop.

  "That's 'im," cried one, "that's Napoleon."

  "No, it ain't," said another, "that's Caesar."

  Mechanically Mr. Hearty waved the boys away. They repeated words thatto him were meaningless, and then pointed to the approaching crowd.Mr. Hearty was puzzled and alarmed.

  "Look! guv'nor, there they are," shouted one of the boys.

  Instinctively Mr. Hearty looked. At first he beheld only the donkeys,the animated fruit and the approaching crowd, then he suddenly saw hisown name. A motor omnibus intervened. A moment later the donkeys andtheir boards came into full view. Mr. Hearty gasped.

  On their boards were ingenious exhortations to the public to supportthe enterprise of Alfred Hearty, greengrocer, of Putney, Fulham andWandsworth. Mr. Hearty read as one in a dream:

  ALFRED HEARTY THE NAPOLEON OF GREENGROCERS

  ALFRED HEARTY THE CAESAR OF FRUITERERS

  ALFRED HEARTY THE PRINCE OF POTATO MERCHANTS

  HEARTY'S TWO-SHILLING PINEAPPLE TRY IT IN YOUR BATH

  HEARTY'S JERUSALEM ARTICHOKES GENERAL ALLENBY EATS THEM

  THE GERMANS FIGHT FOR HEARTY'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS

  As the six animals filed past, Mr. Hearty was conscious that hundredsof eyes were gazing in his direction. He read one sign after anotheras if hypnotised, then he read them again. Scarcely had the animalspassed him, when the pineapple swung round leading his donkey, theothers immediately followed. As they came back on the other side ofthe way, that nearest to Mr. Hearty, he had the benefit of readingfurther details about the wonderful properties of the fruit andvegetables he retailed. The second set of exhortations to thehousewives of Putney ran:

  EAT HEARTY'S FILBERTS, OH! GILBERT, THE NUT NUT-CRACKERS WITH EVERY BAG

  HEARTY'S FRENCH BEANS SAVED VERDUN

  TRY HEARTY'S JUICY CABBAGES THEY CURE BALDNESS

  THE FOOD CONTROLLER RECOMMENDS CARROTS TRY HEARTY'S--I HAVE

  ALFRED HEARTY KNOWN AS PINEAPPLE ALF

  IF YOU DON'T BUY YOUR VEGETABLES FROM ALFRED HEARTY YOU WILL BE WHAT I AM

  The last-named was particularly appreciated, everybody being able tosee the joke and, thinking that no one else had been so clever, eachtook infinite pains to point it out to his neighbour.

  At first Mr. Hearty went very white, then, realising that the crowdwas laughing at him, and that he was being rendered ridiculous, heflushed crimson,--turning round he walked into the shop. There was afeeling in his throat and eyes that reminded him of what he had feltas a child after a storm of crying. His brain seemed deadened. Fromout the general hum he heard a boy's shrill voice enquiring thewhereabouts of his mate, and the mate's reply was heard in thedistance.

  Suddenly a new sensation dwarfed that of the donkeys.

  "Here's another! here's another!" yelled a shrill voice.

  The crowd looked up the High Street towards the bridge. With statelylope a camel was pursuing its majestic way. On its back was anenormous water-melon, through which appeared the head of the drivershaded by leaves, a double stalk concealing his legs.

  From the shelter of the double brass-rail Mr. Hearty watched the camelas if fascinated. The donkeys had come to a standstill outside theshop. Behind him stood Mrs. Bindle and Smith, the one very grim, theother grinning expansively, whilst from the gloom behind, Mrs. Heartywas heard wheezing and demanding what it was all about.

  With stately and indifferent tread the camel approached, with headpoised rather like a snake about to strike. Slung over its back oneach side were notices. The one Mr. Hearty first saw read:

  I'VE GOT THE HUMP THROUGH NOT BUYING HEARTY'S VEGETABLES

  As the beast swung round, the other motto presented itself:

  EAT HEARTY'S LEEKS THEY DEFY THE PLUMBER

  Cheers, cat-calls, loud whistlings and the talk of an eager, excitedSaturday-afternoon crowd formed a background to the picture.

  "Well, I'm blowed!" muttered Bindle, who had read the notices withkeen relish. "Well, I'm blowed! They done it in style."

  The excitement was at its height when the steady pounding of a drumwas heard in the distance. As it drew nearer, the attention of thecrowd was attracted from the donkeys and the camel. Putney was inluck, and it looked gratefully in the direction of where Mr. Heartystood, a shadowy form behind his double brass-rail.

  Bindle recognised the tune the band was playing as that of Mr.Hearty's favourite hymn, "Pull for the Shore, Sailor." As the bandentered the High Street, another was heard in the opposite direction.

  Bindle turned into the shop and walked up to his brother-in-law, whostill stood staring at the strange and curious beasts that wereadvertising his wares.

  "Look 'ere, 'Earty," he said, in his most official manner, "this maybe all very well in the way of business; but you're blocking the 'olebloomin' 'Igh Street."

  Mr. Hearty gazed at Bindle with unseeing eyes.

  "These bands yours, too, 'Earty?" Bindle enquired.

  Mr. Hearty shook his head in hopeless negation. Nothing was his, noteven the power to move and rout this scandalous, zoological-botanicalexhibition.

  "Well, wot are they a-playin' 'ymns for?" demanded Bindle.

  "Hymns?" enquired Mr. Hearty in a toneless voice.

  "Yes, can't you 'ear 'em?" Bindle gazed at his brother-in-lawcuriously. "Enough to blow your 'ead orf."

  The first band was now blaring out its "Pull for the Shore, Sailor,"with full force. At its head walked a man carrying a representation ofa cabbage, on which was painted:

  HEARTY FOR CABBAGES

  The bandsmen wore strangely nondescript clothes. With one exceptionthey all seemed to possess the uniform cap, that exception was a manin khaki. Four of them had caps without tunics. Only one had the fullregulation uniform; but he was wearing odd boots. The bandmaster, in abraided frock-coat, which reached well below his knees, wasspasmodically putting in bits on a cornet; he was short of staturewith a constricted wind, and the pace was fast.

  The second band approached, the man at its head bearing a carrot witha similar legend as that of the rival concern; but in relation tocarrots. "Onward, Christian Soldiers" was its melody. The noise becamediabolical. The second band had uniform caps only, and two of itsmembers had taken off their coats and hung them over their shoulders.It was a hot and tiring day.

  At the moment when the second band was within a hundred yards of theshop, the camel raised its head and gave vent to its terrifying roar,a rather indifferent attempt to imitate that of a lion.

  The "Onward, Christian Soldiers" band was the first to reach theshop, having a shorter distance to traverse. Its leader was a tall manwith a weary face, and a still more weary moustache. His waistcoat wasunbuttoned, and his face dripping with perspiration as he blew outwhat brains he possessed upon a silver cornet. He marched strai
ght upto the door of the shop, blowing vigorously. Suddenly a double beat ofthe drum gave the signal to stop. Taking off his cap, with the back ofhis hand he wiped the sweat from his brow. Pushing past Mr. Hearty heentered, a moment after followed by his eleven confreres.

  For a moment Mr. Hearty stared, then he retreated backwards before theavalanche of musicians.

  "What do you want?" he demanded feebly.

  "This the way upstairs, guv'nor?" enquired the tall man.

  "Upstairs?" interrogated Mr. Hearty.

  "Yus, upstairs, like me to say it again?" queried the man who wastired and short-tempered.

  "But, what----?" began Mr. Hearty.

  "Oh, go an' roast yourself!" responded the man. "Come along, boys,"and they tramped through the back-parlour. Mr. Hearty heard thempounding up the stairs.

  The drum, however, refused to go through the narrow door. The drummertried it at every conceivable angle. At last he recognised that he hadmet his Waterloo.

  "Hi, Charlie!" he yelled.

  "'Ullo! That you, Ted?" came the reply from above.

  "Ruddy drum's stuck," yelled the drummer, equally hot and exasperated.

  "Woooot?" bawled Charlie.

  "Ruddy drum won't go up," cried Ted.

  "All right, you stay down there, you can 'ear us and keep time," wasthe response.

  The drummer subsided on to a sack of potatoes. Mr. Hearty approachedhim.

  "What are you doing here? You're not my band," he said, eyeing the manapprehensively.

  The drummer looked up with the insolence of a man who sees before himindecision.

  "Who the blinkin' buttercups said we was?" he demanded.

  "But what are you doing here?" persisted Mr. Hearty.

  "Oh!" responded the man with elaborate civility, "we come to playforfeits, wot jer think?"

  At that moment from the room above the shop the band broke into fullblast with "Shall We Gather at the River." The drummer made a grab athis sticks, but was late, and for the rest of the piece, was a beatbehind in all his bangs.

  Mr. Hearty looked helplessly about him. Another cheer from withoutcaused him to walk to the door. Outside, the "Pull for the Shore,Sailor," faction was performing valiantly. Their blood was up, andthey were determined that no one should gather at the river if theycould prevent it.

  In the distance several more bands were heard, and the pounding becameterrific. All traffic had been stopped, and an inspector of police waspushing his way through the crowd in the direction of Mr. Hearty.Bindle joined the inspector, saluting him elaborately.

  The inspector eyed Mr. Hearty with official disapproval.

  "You must send these men away, sir," he said with decision.

  "But--but," said Mr. Hearty, "I can't."

  "But you must," said the inspector. "There will be a summons, ofcourse," he added warningly.

  "But--why?" protested Mr. Hearty.

  The inspector looked at Mr. Hearty, and then gazed up and down PutneyHigh Street. He was annoyed.

  "You have blocked the whole place, sir. We've had to stop the tramscoming round the Putney Bridge Road. Hi!" he shouted to the drummerwho was conscientiously earning his salary.

  "Stop that confounded row there!"

  The man did not hear.

  "Stop it, I say!" shouted the inspector.

  The drummer stopped.

  "Wot's the matter?" he enquired.

  "You're causing an obstruction," said the inspector warningly.

  "Ted!" yelled the voice of the leader at the top of the house, who wasgathering at the river upon the cornet in a fine frenzy, "wot the 'ellare you stoppin' for?"

  "It's the pleece," yelled back Ted informatively.

  "The cheese?" bawled back Charlie. "Shouldn't eat it; it always makesyou ill. Go ahead and bang that ruddy drum."

  "Can't," yelled Ted. "They'll run me in."

  The leader was evidently determined not to bandy words with hissubordinate. He could be heard pounding down the stairs two at a time,still doing his utmost to interpret the pleasures awaiting Putney inthe hereafter. The cornet could be heard approaching nearer and nearerbecoming brassier and brassier. The leader was a note behind the restby the time he had got to the bottom of the stairs. Arrived in theshop he stopped suddenly at the sight of the inspector.

  "Tell them to stop that infernal row," ordered the officer.

  He, who had been addressed as Charlie, looked from Mr. Hearty to theinspector.

  "There ain't no law that can stop me," he said with decision, "I'm onthe enclosed premises. Go ahead, Ted," he commanded, turning to thedrummer, "take it out of 'er," and, resuming his cornet, Charliepicked up the tune and raced up the stairs again, leaving Ted "takingit out of 'er" in a way that more than made up for the time he hadlost.

  The inspector bit his lip. Turning to Mr. Hearty he said, "You will becharged with causing obstruction with all this tomfoolery."

  "But--but--it isn't mine," protested Mr. Hearty weakly. "I knownothing about it."

  "Nonsense!" said the inspector. "Look at those animals out there."

  Mr. Hearty looked, and then looked back at the inspector, who saidsomething; but Mr. Hearty could only see the movement of his lips. Thebabel became almost incredible. Three more bands had arrived, makingfive altogether, and there was a sound in the distance that indicatedthe approach of others. For the first time in his life Ted wasexperiencing the sweets of being able legally to defy the law, and hewas enjoying to the full a novel experience.

  At that moment Mrs. Bindle pushed her way into the shop. She had beenout to get a better view of what was taking place. She stopped andstared from Mr. Hearty to the inspector, and then back to Mr. Hearty.

  "I--I don't know what it means," he stammered, feeling that somethingwas required of him; but no one heard him.

  Bindle, who had hitherto been quiet in the presence of his superiorofficer, now took a hand in matters.

  "Look 'ere, 'Earty," he shouted during a lull in the proceedings,"advertisement's advertisement, an' very nice too, but this 'ere isobstruction. Ain't that right, sir?" he said, addressing theinspector; but the inspector did not hear him, it is doubtful if Mr.Hearty heard, for at that moment there had turned into the High Streetfrom Wandsworth Bridge Road a double-drummed band playing somethingwith a slight resemblance to "Gospel Bells," a melody that gives awonderful opportunity for the trombones.

  There were now one band upstairs and five in the High Street, as nearto the shop as they could cluster, and a seventh approaching. All werestriving to interpret Moody and Sankey as Moody and Sankey had neverbeen interpreted before.

  The inspector walked out on to the pavement, and vainly strove tosignal to two of his men whose helmets could be seen among the crowd.

  Mr. Hearty's eyes followed the officer, but he soon became absorbed inother things. From the Wimbledon end of the High Street he saw bobbingabout in the crowd a number of brilliant green caps with yellow braidupon them. The glint of brass in their neighbourhood forewarned himthat another band was approaching. From the bobbing movement of thecaps, it was obvious that the men were fighting their way in thedirection of his, Mr. Hearty's shop.

  Glancing in the other direction, Mr. Hearty saw a second stream ofdark green and red caps, likewise making for him. When the leader ofthe green and yellow caps, a good-natured little man carrying acornet, burst through the crowd, it was like spring breaking in uponwinter. The brilliant green tunic with its yellow braid was dazzlingin the sunlight, and Mr. Hearty blinked his eyes several times.

  "'Ot day, sir," said the little man genially as he took off his capand, with the edge of his forefinger, removed the sweat from his brow,giving it a flick that sent some of the moisture on to Mr. Hearty,causing him to start back suddenly.

  "Sorry, sir," said the man apologetically. "Afraid I splashed you. Isuppose we go right through and up. Come along, Razor," he yelled tothe last of his bandsmen, a thin, weedy youth, who was still vainlyendeavouring to cut his way through the crowd.

  S
uddenly the little man saw the first drummer banging away vigorously.

  "'Ullo, got another little lot inside! You don't 'alf know 'ow toadvertise, mister," he said admiringly.

  This reminded Mr. Hearty that he possessed a voice.

  "There is some mistake. I have not ordered any band," he shouted inthe little man's ear.

  "Wot?" shouted the little man.

  Mr. Hearty repeated his assurance.

  "Not ordered any band. Seem to 'ave ordered all the bands in London,as far as I can see," he remarked, looking at the rival concerns."Sort of Crystal Palace affair. You ordered us, any'ow," he added.

  "But I didn't," persisted Mr. Hearty. "This is all a mistake."

  "Oh, ring orf!" said the leader. "People don't pay in advance for whatthey don't want. Come along, boys," he cried and, pushing his wayalong the shop, he passed through the parlour door and was heardthumping upstairs.

  "You can't get through," shouted Ted to the second drummer, amournful-looking man with black whiskers.

  "Wot?" he bawled dully.

  "Can't get through," yelled Ted.

  "Why?" roared the whiskered man.

  "Ruddy drum won't go up," shouted Ted.

  "Oh!" said the second drummer and, without testing the accuracy ofTed's words, he seated himself upon a barrel of apples, his drum stillin position.

  There was a sound of loud altercations from above. After a minute theysubsided, and the volume of tone increased, showing that Charlie hadfound expression in his cornet.

  "Where's Striker?" came the cry.

  "Strikeeeeeeeer!" yelled several voices.

  "'Ullo!" howled Striker in a muffled voice.

  "We're all ready. Wot the 'ell are you doin', Striker?" came theresponse.

  "Drum won't come up," bawled Striker.

  "Wot?"

  "Drum won't come up, too big."

  "Right-o! you can pick us up," came the leader's reply.

  A moment later "Onward, Christian Soldiers," broke out in brassyrivalry to "Shall We Gather at the River."

  Mrs. Hearty and Mrs. Bindle fled into the parlour.

  It is obvious that whatever phenomenon eternity may have to discoverto man, it will not be Christian soldiers gathering at the river. Thenoise was stupendous. The stream of brassy discord that descended fromabove was equalled only by the pounding of the two drums that rosefrom below.

  Ted had made some reflections upon the whiskers of the seconddrummer, with the result that, forgetting their respective bands, theywere now engaged in a personal contest, thumping and pounding againsteach other with both sticks. The sweat poured down their faces, andtheir mouths were working, each expressing opinions, which, however,the other could not hear. At that moment the dark green caps with redbraid began to trickle into the shop.

  Bindle, who had been a delighted spectator of the arrival of bandafter band, suggested to the leader of the eighth band in a roar thatjust penetrated to the drum of his ear, "'Adn't you better start 'ere,there ain't no room upstairs?"

  The man gave a comprehensive look round, then by signs indicated tohis men that they were to start then and there. They promptly brokeout into "The Last Noel." Bindle ran from the shop, his fingers in hisears.

  "Oh, my Gawd! they'll bring the 'ole bloomin' 'ouse down," hemuttered. "I 'ope they don't play 'ymns in 'eaven--them drums!"

  Mr. Hearty, who had been pushed into a corner behind an apple barrel,stood and gazed about him. There was a dazed look in his eyes, as ofone who does not comprehend what is taking place. He looked as if atany moment he might become a jibbering lunatic.

  A wild cheer from the crowd attracted his attention. He looked out.Pushing their way towards the shop was a number of vegetables: acarrot, a turnip, a cabbage, a tomato, a cucumber, a potato, a marrow,to name only a few. Each seemed to be on legs and was playing aninstrument of some description.

  Was he mad? Could that really be a melon playing the drum? Did bananasplay cornets? Could cucumbers draw music from piccolos? Mr. Heartyblinked his eyes. Here indeed was a dream, a nightmare. He saw Bindlewith an inspector and a constable turn the vegetables back, obviouslydenying them admission. He watched as one who has no personal interestin the affair. He saw the inspector enter with three constables, hesaw the green and red band ejected, Ted and the whiskered mansilenced, Charlie and the short genial man brought down protestingfrom upstairs.

  He saw the inspector's busy pencil fly from side to side of hisnotebook, he saw Bindle grinning cheerfully as he exchanged remarkswith the bandsmen, he saw what looked like a never-ending processionof bandsmen stream past him.

  He saw everything, he believed nothing. Perhaps it was brain fever. Hehad worked very hard over his new shop. If he were to die, Smith couldnever carry on the three businesses. What would become of them? Hefurther knew that his afternoon trade was ruined, that he wouldprobably be summoned for something that he had not done, and tearscame to his eyes.

  In Mr. Hearty's soul was nothing of the patience and long-suffering ofthe martyr. Behind him, above him and in front of him he still seemedto hear the indescribable blare of brass. Outside were the cheers ofthe crowd and the vain endeavours of the police to grapple with theenormous problem that had been set them. What could it all mean?

  In the kitchen behind the parlour sat Mrs. Hearty wheezing painfully.Opposite to her stood Mrs. Bindle, tight-lipped and grim.

  "That Bindle's done this," she muttered to herself. "It'll kill Mr.Hearty."