yes
I think a green vase because of the primary colours and if they were blue I’d put them in an orange vase and if they were yellow I’d put them in a purple vase, yellow and purple is Easter of course so that’s why crocuses, and red and green is Christmas which isn’t right now of course it’s the wrong time of year, I might have to sort that out when I’ve got a minute.
GRIEF
Are you sleeping?
I wake up early but that’s all right in the summer.
Eating?
Oh enough. Don’t fuss.
I’ve never had someone die.
I’m sorry, I’ve nothing to say. Nothing seems very interesting.
He must have meant everything to you.
Maybe. We’ll see.
FATE
I’m just saying you’ve got no choice
I have
you have of course you feel as if you have
I have got a choice
you’ve got a choice but you’ve no choice about what that choice is, you’ll make whichever choice
whichever choice I want
whichever choice you want but you’ll want what you want because you have to want what
I don’t have to want
you do because of what you’re like, that’s what what you’re like means that you’re going to want what you want, because there’s your genes and everything that’s happened to you and everything else that’s happening and all that stuff makes your brain be like that
like what?
like it is
what’s it like?
I don’t know of course I don’t know nobody knows, but if someone could have that information they’d know exactly what you were going to
they can’t know
you’re crying about it now
I’m not
I knew you would.
But there’s random
oh there’s random
there’s random particles you can’t
if you think you’re like a random particle
no but
if you think you’re a random particle just fizzing
but you can’t predict even where
if you think free will is a random particle there’s nothing very noble
I didn’t say noble
so what is free will if it’s not what you’re like?
No one could possibly have all that information.
No, of course not.
So maybe that’s all right.
I think it’s fine. But it does change how you feel, don’t you think?
I feel a bit funny
yes you feel as if you’re hurtling
hurtling through my life
like the front seat of a roller-coast
but I feel like I’m choosing
yes of course
but I feel like I’m in the front seat of a roller-coaster.
STONE
He’s got a special stone.
Is that what he’s holding?
Yes he’s always got it in his hand.
I know he’s always holding
never puts it down
have you seen it?
saw it once
how
made him open his
shall we get it?
I think he needs it
yes shall we get it?
They get the stone and throw it away.
Go and get it then
it’s over there
will he know which one?
he can get another one
he might want that one
shall we get him one?
Here have a stone
have another stone
have a stone
Throwing them.
VIRTUAL
I don’t care what you say
no but listen
I’ve never felt like this
that’s not the point what you feel
it’s the only
because she doesn’t exist
I’m not listening.
She doesn’t
have you seen her?
yes I’ve seen her but she doesn’t
have you talked to her?
I don’t want to talk to
then what do you know about it?
she’s not a real
so?
so you admit she’s not
she exists she still exists
fine all right she exists but so does your shoe or a can of
you’re saying she’s no different than a shoe?
she’s got no more feelings than
what do you know about
she’s a thing she’s a thing.
Look I appreciate your concern but just
look
she’s beautiful she’s intelligent she understands me
she doesn’t understand you
she listens to me she likes my poems she’s the only
doesn’t understand any
she reads my mind she’s sensitive to my every
but she’s virtual
so?
so she’s not
I can’t believe just because someone’s not flesh and blood you’d
she’s just information
and what are you if you’re not
yes I know we’re
so we’re information our genes our
yes but she hasn’t
what?
hasn’t got an inside to her mind she’s not conscious she can’t
how do you know she
she’s a computer she’s a computer game she’s not
and can you tell that from what she says?
I don’t need to
but can you tell
because she can’t
she might and how could she prove it because you wouldn’t believe
I certainly wouldn’t
because she says she has
what, thoughts
of course thoughts feelings because she’s that complicated she says she loves
she can’t possibly
we know people won’t understand but we don’t care what you
and what about sex
what about
she hasn’t got a body
she’s got a fantastic
but not a body you can
she’s not in this country at the moment
she can’t ever
and the sex is great
it’s virtual
it’s virtual and great
but she never feels
I don’t care what you say
no but listen
I’ve never felt like this about anyone.
SMALL THING
What are you looking at?
A snail.
Is that the same snail?
Yes. I’ve been looking at it for a while.
And?
I’m just looking at it.
LAST SCENE
FACTS
Who was president of Coca-Cola from nineteen twenty-five to seven?
HB Jones.
What is the smallest village in Central Asia?
Qat.
Where would you see a huish?
In a gnu’s fur.
How many diamonds were mined in 1957?
Sixty thousand four hundred and twenty-eight.
Name two traditional ingredients of poulash.
Duck and fennel.
In 1647 what day was the battle of Stoneham?
June the third. Tuesday.
How far is it from here to the quasar d 66?
Three point four billion light years.
What sound does a capercaillie make?
Aaaah.
Who had the longest hair?
Matilda Lucas.
Of?
Brighouse, Connecticut.
What colour is the caterpillar of the brown-haired bat moth?
Pale orange with black stripes.
Do you love me?
Don’t do that.
What is
the formula that disproves Gödel’s theorem?
X bracket a over t minus pi sigma close bracket to the power of ten minus n to the power of minus one squared
What is a plok?
A stringed instrument played by the Larts of the the Gobi Desert
By what name do we usually refer to Oceanus Australensis Picardia?
I do yes I do. Sea anemone.
RANDOM
RANDOM
These things can happen in any section. DEPRESSION is an essential part of the play. The other random items are optional.
DEPRESSION
Each of these is a separate random item. Not all of them need to be used. Each is said by one person to another who doesn’t respond. The characters can be the same each time, or the depressed person can be the same and the others different, or they can all be different.
we could go for a walk it’s a beautiful
there’s an exhibition of expressionist
chicken tikka masala
programme starts at 6.40 or if you’d rather we could
glass of red or
thinking of taking one of the kittens there’s a ginger one or a
maybe you could read them a story tonight or
the difficulty of getting the Israelis and Palestinians to
and he only has two months to live so I thought we could
a fountain of antimatter in the Milky Way that nobody knew
OPTIONAL
SEMAPHORE
MORSE
SIGN LANGUAGE
BIRDSONG
DANCE
FLAGS
PAINTING
Someone has a large canvas and is flicking paint at it.
PIG LATIN
Ancay ouyay eakspay igpay atinlay?
SANTA
Father Christmas lands his sleigh on the roof and comes down the chimney with his big sack of toys and he’ll put presents in your stocking
TABLES
Seven sevens are forty-nine, seven eights are fifty-six, seven nines are sixty-three, seven tens are seventy, seven elevens are seventy-seven, seven twelves are eighty-four, seven thirteens are ninety-one
GENES
AGT TCG AGC CCT TGA CTT GAT TGT GCA TAC CGT GCT TGA GTC ATG TTG CAC AAC TTG TCG GTC TCA GTA TGC CCG TGA AAT GTA CAT GTC CGG TCC GAA TCT GAT TGC CCT TTG TGG AAC TGT GTG GCA TAG CTA GCC TGG GAC CCT TTG GGC TGC ACT TGA TTG TCA CCA GGT TGT TCT GTT GAA TCA TGA TCG GAC CCA CGT CGG CTG GCC GAC TTT GAC CGG AGT GGT TGT ACC TTG GTC AGG AAT TGA ACG
DOG
Come. Sit. Stay. Come. Good dog. Fetch. Drop it. Fetch. Good dog. Roll over. Good dog. Come. Heel. No. Come.
KEYS
You don’t know where I put the car keys, do you?
MAGAZINE
she’s lost two stone… he was going to leave her… look, he’s coming out of a club with an unnamed blonde…
GOOGLE
There’s a train at 4.22 gets in at half-past eight.
TWITTER
He’s in the kitchen cooking spaghetti and he’s upset about the news from Tripoli.
ZEN
What’s the sound of one hand clapping? I’ve heard that one.
COLD
Someone sneezes.
SILENCE
This can happen more than once, for different lengths of time.
DING DONG THE WICKED
Ding Dong the Wicked was first performed at the Royal Court
Theatre Downstairs, London, on 1 October 2012.
The cast was as follows:
A QUIET MAN/A MAN WHO BITES HIS NAILS
John Marquez
A WOMAN IN BLUE/A DRUNK WOMAN
Sophie Stanton
YOUNG WOMAN HOLDING A FLOWER/YOUNG WOMAN WITH A CIGARETTE
Claire Foy
AN OVERWEIGHT MAN/A MAN WHO IS A WRECK
Stuart McQuarrie
A WOMAN WHO BITES/A WOMAN WITH A LIMP
Jennie Stoller
A PALE YOUNG MAN/A SPEEDY YOUNG MAN
Daniel Kendrick
Director
Dominic Cooke
Lighting Designer
Jack Williams
Sound Designer
Alexander Caplen
Characters
in order of appearance
1.
A QUIET MAN, forty-five
A WOMAN IN BLUE, late forties
A YOUNG WOMAN CARRYING A FLOWER, twenties, girlfriend of the pale young man
AN OVERWEIGHT MAN, fifty-plus, husband of the woman in blue, brother of the quiet man
A WOMAN WHO BITES, seventies, mother of the overweight man and the quiet man
A PALE YOUNG MAN, twenties, a soldier, son of the overweight man and the woman in blue
2.
A YOUNG WOMAN WITH A CIGARETTE, twenties
A MAN WHO BITES HIS NAILS, forty-five, her husband
A DRUNK WOMAN, late forties, her mother
A WOMAN WITH A LIMP, seventies, her grandmother
A SPEEDY YOUNG MAN, twenties, a soldier, brother of the man who bites his nails
A MAN WHO IS A WRECK, fifty-plus, a neighbour
The actors double the parts.
Place
1. A living room.
2. A living room in another country.
1.
A living room. There is a door leading to the rest of the house, a front door and a window. There is a tv but we can’t see the screen or hear the sound.
A QUIET MAN, about forty-five, is alone in the room. There is a plastic sheet on the floor and a large strong bin bag.
Doorbell. The QUIET MAN opens the front door, taking out a gun.
QUIET MAN
Come in.
The QUIET MAN shoots someone, who falls dead. The QUIET MAN puts the body and the bloodstained plastic sheet in the bag, and leaves with the bag by the front door.
Time passes.
Doorbell. A WOMAN IN BLUE, late forties, comes from inside and opens the street door. A YOUNG WOMAN CARRYING A FLOWER comes in, they embrace.
YW w FLOWER
All right?
W in BLUE
I am, he is, guess who’s making a fuss. Just don’t get him started.
FLOWER
It’s because he’s suffered, isn’t it, I know he has.
BLUE
I get tired of it.
FLOWER
Of course.
BLUE
I’m not saying he’s wrong.
FLOWER
You’re sensible, that’s what it is.
BLUE
Mind you.
FLOWER
Oh I’m not saying…
BLUE
There’s someone kept calling me names when I was at school, jellybelly, doubletrouble – just a bit overweight – and one day I pushed her so she fell down in a puddle and before she could get herself sorted out I jumped right on her and I got a handful of mud and stuffed it in her mouth.
FLOWER
She was asking for it.
BLUE
She was pretty but she was skinny. She’s the one with the problem.
FLOWER
Did I hear someone crying?
BLUE
She’s just calming down. You can’t let them think they’ve got you where they want you. You have to break their spirit. It doesn’t take long.
An OVERWEIGHT MAN, about fifty, husband of the woman in blue, enters from indoors and goes to the window.
OVERWEIGHT
What’s happened?
BLUE
We keep watch all the time so they don’t get away with anything.
FLOWER
Is it bad?
BLUE
Music day and night.
FLOWER
They’re such beautiful trees too.
OVERWEIGHT
Bastards. Bastards. They want to destroy us.
BLUE
(To FLOWER.) I did tell you.
OVERWEIGHT
I’ll kill them. Help me.
BLUE
Everything�
�s all right. It’s all right. We have a visitor.
OVERWEIGHT
Come to see him off, have you? He’s going to be a hero. It’s a big cause. Is he a big enough man?
BLUE
(To FLOWER.) He’s in his room. He’d like to see you.
The YOUNG WOMAN CARRYING A FLOWER exits indoors.
She’s not crying any more. Shall I get her?
OVERWEIGHT
I’ve something to say to you.
BLUE
You’ve nothing to say, I know what you get up to.
OVERWEIGHT
It’s not surprising, I’m not the one who started this.
BLUE
I’m not the one breaking up our marriage, don’t try and put it on me.
OVERWEIGHT
You want to break it up, do you?
BLUE
I didn’t say that.
OVERWEIGHT
You want it, you can have it, it’s your idea remember that.
BLUE
No one could blame me. I’ve been hurt. You’re a monster. Just let it go. I’m past caring now.
OVERWEIGHT
What’s happening out there?
BLUE
Another thing, I’ve had enough of your brother. He’s a criminal. I don’t need this. And drinking again.
OVERWEIGHT
He’s not staying forever.
BLUE
How long’s forever? How long’s he not staying for?
Plays 5 Page 5