3.
VI
Parallel universes
SALLY
fiction
VI
scientists
SALLY
makes good stories
VI
second series
LENA
I’m watching the third
SALLY
does Elliott
MRS J
don’t tell us
SALLY
too many universes for me
LENA
when I stay home I watch
VI
you’ve seen everything
SALLY
but you’re feeling better
LENA
it just drops away, you wake up one morning and it’s all right
SALLY
amazing
LENA
like a different world
VI
universe
MRS J
I don’t like Elliott
VI
the way he looks at his wife
LENA
but you’re meant to think that
SALLY
I do think that, I don’t care
VI
and now the money
SALLY
Ursula’s nasty
VI
I’m sorry for Ursula
SALLY
I think it’s going to be Ursula
MRS J
four husbands
LENA
they want you to think that
VI
loved her in the first series
LENA
exactly
SALLY
but universes to get your mind round
LENA
the third series
VI
and the very very small
SALLY
yes our bodies
VI
millions of little creatures
LENA
makes my flesh creep
VI
fleas on a cat
LENA
microbes on a flea
VI
oh
LENA
oh
VI
sorry
LENA
look what you’ve done
MRS J
what’s she done?
LENA
we don’t mention
VI
are you all right?
MRS J
what, fleas?
VI
no
LENA
cats
VI
shh
LENA
are you all right?
SALLY
yes I’m fine thank you
VI
sorry I’m so sorry
SALLY
the third series
LENA
particles
VI
though mind you are we helping by never saying?
LENA
don’t start that
SALLY
it’s all right, you needn’t
VI
shouldn’t we just say it, say black and white, tabby, longhaired, shorthaired, siamese
MRS J
I’ve got a lovely tabby but he’s a tom so
LENA
stop it
VI
expose her to it and nothing bad happens and she gets used to nothing bad
LENA
stop it
VI
I’m helping
MRS J
is she going to faint?
SALLY
no no I’m
LENA
see?
VI
I’m sorry I just get
SALLY
I know it’s stupid
VI
no
SALLY
I know you hate me sometimes
VI
no, I
LENA
see?
SALLY
you just need to face
VI
I need to face?
SALLY
how unpleasant you can be
LENA
see?
VI
oh it’s me now, it’s always someone
LENA
stop it
MRS J
let’s hear it
SALLY
it doesn’t bother me
VI
oh let’s not
SALLY
it’s fine
VI
I know I shouldn’t
SALLY
so tell us about the third series
MRS J
don’t tell us about the third series
LENA
I’ll just hint that Elliott
VI
don’t say it
MRS J
The chemicals leaked through cracks in the money. The first symptoms were irritability and nausea. Domestic violence increased and there were incidents on the underground. School absenteeism tripled and ninetyseven schools were taken into special measures. Dog owners cleared up their pets’ vomit or risked a fine. Miscarriages were frequent leading to an increase of opportunities in grief counselling. Birth deformities outpaced the immigration of plastic surgeons. Gas masks were available on the NHS with a three month waiting time and privately in a range of colours. Sometimes the cancers began in the lungs and sometimes on the fingertips or laptops. The remaining citizens were evacuated to camps in northern Canada where they were sprayed and victimised, and the city was left to sick foxes, who soon abandoned it for lack of dustbins.
4.
LENA
So how many noughts
VI
a billion has nine
SALLY
no
VI
a trillion
SALLY
a billion has twelve
VI
no, we adopted the American
SALLY
are you saying a billion isn’t a million million?
VI
a thousand million now, and a trillion
SALLY
oh I don’t like that
MRS J
what’s a zillion?
VI
and then of course you get a googol and a googolplex, which isn’t the same as
LENA
a zillion’s what you say, is it a real
VI
three Brazilians dead and President Bush said Oh no, remind me how many is a brazilian
SALLY
he’s taken the place of moron
LENA
moron?
SALLY
when I was a child Little Moron jokes for anything stupid, what did the Little Moron say when he
VI
what did he say?
LENA
no one says moron
SALLY
they keep having to change what you can say because whatever word they use becomes
VI
did we ever say moron for jokes? is it American or
LENA
but you can’t even make that kind of joke not about mentally
SALLY
Irish for a long time, Irish jokes
MRS J
‘no blacks no dogs no Irish’
SALLY
I remember that
VI
and we weren’t even that shocked
LENA
we do shock easier
VI
but you have to have jokes about stupid things someone might do because anyone might, it’s funny
LENA
you can’t have a class of people
SALLY
you could have yourself
VI
you could have me
SALLY
what did I say when I jumped off the top of
VI
don’t the comedians do that, they make themselves
SALLY
but of cou
rse we know they’re clever.
LENA
So in other countries do they have that?
VI
jokes about being stupid?
LENA
making out it’s some neighbour who’s
SALLY
you always get people hating their neighbours
VI
yes the closer they are
SALLY
Serbs and Croats, French and English
LENA
there’s history though
SALLY
but anyone everyone outside thinks is the same
VI
Catholics and Protestants, Sunni and Shia
MRS J
Arsenal and Tottenham
SALLY
there you are
LENA
Cain and Abel
VI
did Abel make jokes about Cain being stupid and that’s why he killed him?
LENA
odd they needed a story about how killing started because
SALLY
chimpanzees
LENA
but you do wonder why of course so you make a story
VI
easily done I found
SALLY
different each time
VI
I don’t know why, I never knew why
MRS J
found it easy did you?
LENA
never mind that
SALLY
not always easy and a lot of men in the war never fired their guns because
VI
no it’s all right, she can know
MRS J
what can I know?
VI
tell her, go on
LENA
she accidentally
SALLY
a long time ago
LENA
accidentally killed her husband
VI
not accidentally
LENA
in self defence
MRS J
how did you do that?
VI
kitchen knife happened to be in my hand
LENA
just bad luck really
VI
so when I hit back
MRS J
so that was all right was it, self defence
SALLY
more complicated
LENA
the lawyers
SALLY
manslaughter
VI
six years, which was half
MRS J
still a long time
VI
the first two years
LENA
things do speed up
SALLY
everything does
MRS J
you get used to it
SALLY
so that can be good but when it’s your whole life speeding up
LENA
don’t start on that
SALLY
I’d like to have time travel
VI
knock knock
LENA
who’s there?
VI
Dr
SALLY
that’s a six year old’s joke.
MRS J
The hunger began when eighty per cent of food was diverted to tv programmes. Commuters watched breakfast on iPlayer on their way to work. Smartphones were distributed by charities when rice ran out, so the dying could watch cooking. The entire food stock of Newcastle was won by lottery ticket and the winner taken to a 24 hour dining room where fifty chefs chopped in relays and the public voted on what he should eat next. Cars were traded for used meat. Children fell asleep in class and didn’t wake up. The obese sold slices of themselves until hunger drove them to eat their own rashers. Finally the starving stormed the tv centres and were slaughtered and smoked in large numbers. Only when cooking shows were overtaken by sex with football teams did cream trickle back to the shops and rice was airlifted again.
5.
VI
People always want to fly
LENA
fly like a bird
SALLY
that’s always the favourite, what would you like
LENA
invisible
VI
languages, I’d like to be able to speak every
SALLY
but we do fly now
MRS J
planes isn’t the same
VI
go to any country at all and understand
SALLY
and nobody looks out of the window
LENA
watching the screens
VI
I do like getting all those movies I never
SALLY
looking down on clouds
LENA
yes what would Julius Caesar have thought or
SALLY
and they make it like being in a very unpleasant room
VI
try to make you forget you’re up in the air
LENA
because it could be frightening being up in the air
SALLY
because that’s not what people mean by flying
VI
flying like a bird in the sky
LENA
but if people could, if we all
VI
that’s no good
LENA
imagine the crowds
SALLY
at rush hour
LENA
separate lanes
SALLY
flocks
VI
like starlings, that would be good, all those shapes
LENA
flocks of pigeons, they seem to change colour
SALLY
no we wouldn’t have that sense of each other, we’d keep bumping
VI
but what people want is fly by yourself
LENA
straight up like a lark
VI
or hover like what?
LENA
a kestrel
VI
kestrel yes
LENA
or an eagle
VI
soar like an eagle
MRS J
I wouldn’t want to be a pigeon
VI
we’re not being birds we’re us but able to
SALLY
pigeons are like rats
LENA
pigeons are not
VI
looking down from above
SALLY
like drones with cameras
LENA
Barney’s got one, remote control, you can see as if you’re
VI
I hate that because they bomb and they’re not in danger
LENA
it’s just a toy
SALLY
is it all right to bomb if you are in danger?
VI
but no it’s not the seeing it’s the sensation
LENA
soaring and diving
SALLY
like swimming under water really going up and down
VI
no only if you can scuba
LENA
hate putting my head under water
VI
birds is better than fish
MRS J
Plays 5 Page 9