I wouldn’t want to be a fish
LENA
or being invisible is the one I’d like
SALLY all this about birds, I don’t quite like about birds because birds leads to cats, pigeons leads to cats, cat among the pigeons, next door’s tabby had a pigeon such flapping and couldn’t kill it, wouldn’t, just played about kept grabbing it again and the bird was maimed someone had to ugh, and pigeons like rats leads to cats rats cats rats are filthy plague everywhere, only how many feet from a rat, and pigeons are filthy, rats are filthy, cats are filthy their bites are poison they bite you and the bite festers, but that’s not it that’s not it I know that’s just an excuse to give a reason I know I’ve no reason I know it’s just cats cats themselves are the horror because they’re cats and I have to keep them out I have to make sure I never think about a cat because if I do I have to make sure there’s no cats and they could be anywhere they could get in a window I have to go round the house and make sure all the windows are locked and I don’t know if I checked properly I can’t remember I was too frightened to notice I have to go round the windows again I have to go round the windows again back to the kitchen back to the bedroom back to the kitchen back to the bedroom the bathroom back to the kitchen back to the door, the door might blow open if it’s windy even if it’s not windy suppose the postman was putting a large packet and pushed the door and it came open because it wasn’t properly shut and then a cat because they can get through very very small and once they’re in they could be anywhere they could be under the bed in the wardrobe up on the top shelf with the winter sweaters that would be a place for a cat to sleep or in a wastepaper basket or under the cushions on the sofa or in the cupboard with the saucepans or in the cupboard with the food a cat could curl up on the cans of tomatoes a cat could be in with the jam and honey a cat could be in the biscuit tin, a cat could be in the fridge in the freezer in the salad drawer in the box of cheese in the broom cupboard the mop bucket a cat could be in the oven the top oven under the lid of the casserole in a box of matches behind a picture under a rug back to the bedroom a cat could be under the bed in the duvet in the pillowcase in the wardrobe a cat could be in a shoe on a hanger under my dress in a woolly hat inside a coat sleeve a cat could be in any of the drawers so I tip them all out and shake every – cat behind the books on the shelf behind the dvds a cat could be in the teapot with the keys a cat could be on the ceiling a cat could be on top of the door a cat could be behind me a cat could be under my hand when I put out my hand. I need someone to say there’s no cats, I need to say to someone do you smell cat, I need to say do you think there’s any way a cat could have got in, and they have to say of course not, they have to say of course not, I have to believe them, it has to be someone I believe, I have to believe they’re not just saying it, I have to believe they know there are no cats, I have to believe there are no cats. And then briefly the joy of that.
LENA
Eagles you get eagles as national
VI
eagles are fascist
LENA
America has the eagle
VI
well
MRS J
I wouldn’t mind being an eagle
SALLY
very often fascist
LENA
shame for the eagle really, it little knows
VI
an eagle wouldn’t have much empathy
SALLY
nor would a blackbird come to that
VI
you don’t get blackbirds as national
LENA
do religions have birds?
VI
dove of peace
SALLY
sacred ibis
LENA
you could have bird rituals
SALLY
scattering of birdseed
VI
bird calls by the congregation
LENA
holy ghost of course that gets pictured sometimes as
SALLY
that’s the dove of peace
VI
I thought the holy ghost was invisible
LENA
I’d rather be invisible myself.
MRS J
The wind developed by property developers started as breezes on cheeks and soon turned heads inside out. The army fired nets to catch flying cars but most spun by with dozens clinging and shrieking, dropping off slowly. Buildings migrated from London to Lahore, Kyoto to Kansas City, and survivors were interned for having no travel documents. Some in the whirlwind went higher and higher, the airsick families taking selfies in case they could ever share them. Shanty towns were cleared. Pets rained from the sky. A kitten became famous.
6.
All sing. SALLY, VI and LENA in harmony. MRS JARRETT joins in the melody. They are singing for themselves in the garden, not performing to the audience.
MRS J
The illness started when children drank sugar developed from monkeys. Hair fell out, feet swelled, organs atrophied. Hairs blowing in the wind rapidly passed round the world. When they fell into the ocean cod died and fishermen blew up each other’s boats. Planes with sick passengers were diverted to Antarctica. Some got into bed with their dead, others locked the doors and ran till they fell down. Volunteers and conscripts over seven nursed the sick and collected bodies. Governments cleansed infected areas and made deals with allies to bomb each other’s capitals. Presidents committed suicide. The last survivors had immunity and the virus mutated, exterminating plankton.
7.
SALLY
I miss work
VI
I don’t miss work at all
SALLY
you’re learning Spanish
VI
you’re in love
SALLY
a little
MRS J
in love are you?
VI
your job was far
SALLY
could be very boring of course
VI
no all the people and all
SALLY
yes but endless colds coughs coughs sore throats coughs
VI
‘antibiotics please’
SALLY
and of course you have to be alert
VI
because sometimes
SALLY
you don’t want to miss cancer
VI
did you ever?
SALLY
terrible occasion
MRS J
I go to that Dr Meadows
SALLY
reliable though
MRS J
but you can’t get an appointment
VI
envy you doing good
SALLY
made your clients happy
MRS J
what did you
VI
hairdresser
MRS J
cut my own hair, cut my husband’s hair
SALLY
tell you their troubles
VI
they did
MRS J
didn’t look very good mind
SALLY
and you didn’t have to fix the troubles just fix the hair
VI
that’s true
SALLY
while I was supposed to fix
VI
and you could sometimes
SALLY
sometimes I could
VI
because hair’s a bit trivial
SALLY
yes but you can feel quite new with a different
VI
or miserable if you don’t like it
SALLY
the first day or two
VI
kept coming back every couple of days
SALLY
shorter and shorter?
VI
shorter, different colours, I finally had to
MRS J
the hair wasn’t the problem
V
I
it wasn’t the problem
SALLY
and you really don’t miss it
VI
I do now we’re talking about
SALLY
though I do enjoy the days
VI
yes having the afternoons
MRS J
when I was a lollipop lady a few years back
SALLY
that’s afternoon work of course and morning and lunchtime
MRS J
give it up after a month
LENA
I couldn’t keep on
VI
you loved that office
LENA
I did
VI
such a highflying
LENA
some days it would be all right for weeks but then I’d find it coming down again. You’re so far away from people at the next desk. Email was better than speaking. It’s down now.
Why can’t I just?
I just can’t.
I sat on the bed this morning and didn’t stand up till lunchtime. The air was too thick. It’s hard to move, it’s hard to see why you’d move.
It’s not so bad in the afternoon, I got myself here. I don’t like it here. I’ve no interest.
Why talk about that? Why move your mouth and do talking? Why see anyone? Why know about anyone?
It was half past three and all this time later it’s twentyfive to four.
If I think about a place I could be where there’s something nice like the sea that would be worse because the sea would be the same as an empty room so it’s better to be in the empty room because then there’s fewer things to mean nothing at all.
I’d rather hear something bad than something good. I’d rather hear nothing.
It’s still just the same.
It’s just the same.
It’s the same.
SALLY
Your medication doesn’t seem very
VI
do you take it?
LENA
it’s not an easy thing to
SALLY
not a sprained ankle
MRS J
I had my hips done
VI
and is that
MRS J
two new hips I can walk all day
SALLY
my knee
VI
my back doing hair on my feet all day
SALLY
yes at least I sat
VI
exactly
SALLY
but then I ran
VI
I missed it when I had to stop
MRS J
was that when you was
VI
six years
MRS J
did you go back to hair after?
VI
not the same place, it was never such a good
SALLY
you did several different
VI
out of work completely a long time
MRS J
not fair because it was just self defence was it
VI
it was
LENA
not fair really
SALLY
more complicated
LENA
self defence
SALLY
fair enough really
LENA
you think?
SALLY
because if I’d said
LENA
said what?
SALLY
said what happened
LENA
what happened?
SALLY
it was complicated
MRS J
you was there was you?
SALLY
in the kitchen
VI
you’d had a drink of course
SALLY
we all had, that’s why
VI
are you saying
SALLY
I’m just saying I didn’t quite
VI
what? come on what? are you saying
SALLY
I didn’t tell it quite how it was because
VI
you did
SALLY
no because I took into account what he was like
LENA
it wasn’t murder
SALLY
could have been that’s all I’m saying if I hadn’t
VI
if you hadn’t what?
SALLY
hadn’t said it in a way that worked out
MRS J
lied in the witness box did you?
SALLY
she’s my friend, of course I
VI
you thought you were lying
SALLY
I thought I was economical
VI
you think I murdered him?
SALLY
it’s not a matter really of defining
VI
you think I’m a murderer?
SALLY
it doesn’t really
VI
all this time you’ve thought
SALLY
it was so long ago
VI
you think
SALLY
I don’t care if you are
VI
I care
SALLY
so long ago
VI
you think
SALLY
look I’m sorry
VI
no what
SALLY
sorry, I shouldn’t have
VI
what
SALLY
I don’t know what I mean even
LENA
what did you say?
SALLY
I don’t even know what I said any more
MRS J
what did you see?
SALLY
certainly don’t know what I saw any more
VI
you think I’m a murderer
SALLY
maybe you were I don’t know do you think you’re a murderer
VI
no
SALLY
okay so maybe you weren’t
VI
I don’t remember either
MRS J
you don’t remember what you
VI
no it’s gone
SALLY
there you are then.
VI
I missed cutting hair and I missed food
LENA
prison food
VI
not that I’m much of a cook
MRS J
Frank can cook
VI
I missed snacks in prison and I missed apples
MRS J
Fire broke out in ten places at once. Four cases of arson by children and politicians, three of spontaneous combustion of the markets, two of sunshine, one supposed by believers to be a punishment by God for gender dysphoria. It swept through saplings, petrol stations, prisons, dryads and books. Fires were lit to stop the fires and consumed squirrels, firefighters and shoppers. Cars sped from one furnace to another. Houses exploded. Some shot flaming swans, some shot their children. Finally the wind drove the fire to the ocean, where salt water made survivors faint. The blackened area was declared a separate country with zero population, zero growth and zero politics. Charred stumps were salvaged for art and biscuits.
8.
VI
Thomas finished the table
SALLY
love to see it
VI
sit round it before it goes
LENA
bought by some rich
VI
not rich rich not as if it was art
SALLY
art’s ridiculous
VI
they buy it just so they can sell it they don’t even look
SALLY
Rosie paints very
VI
>
just for yourself
LENA
and photographs I’ve always liked
SALLY
easy with phones
LENA
pictures of seabirds, gannets
MRS J
what’s gannets?
VI
black, hold their wings out
LENA
that’s cormorants
VI
puffins are the ones with beaks, I’ve never seen
SALLY
Plays 5 Page 10