Plays 5

by Caryl Churchill

  3.

  VI

  Parallel universes

  SALLY

  fiction

  VI

  scientists

  SALLY

  makes good stories

  VI

  second series

  LENA

  I’m watching the third

  SALLY

  does Elliott

  MRS J

  don’t tell us

  SALLY

  too many universes for me

  LENA

  when I stay home I watch

  VI

  you’ve seen everything

  SALLY

  but you’re feeling better

  LENA

  it just drops away, you wake up one morning and it’s all right

  SALLY

  amazing

  LENA

  like a different world

  VI

  universe

  MRS J

  I don’t like Elliott

  VI

  the way he looks at his wife

  LENA

  but you’re meant to think that

  SALLY

  I do think that, I don’t care

  VI

  and now the money

  SALLY

  Ursula’s nasty

  VI

  I’m sorry for Ursula

  SALLY

  I think it’s going to be Ursula

  MRS J

  four husbands

  LENA

  they want you to think that

  VI

  loved her in the first series

  LENA

  exactly

  SALLY

  but universes to get your mind round

  LENA

  the third series

  VI

  and the very very small

  SALLY

  yes our bodies

  VI

  millions of little creatures

  LENA

  makes my flesh creep

  VI

  fleas on a cat

  LENA

  microbes on a flea

  VI

  oh

  LENA

  oh

  VI

  sorry

  LENA

  look what you’ve done

  MRS J

  what’s she done?

  LENA

  we don’t mention

  VI

  are you all right?

  MRS J

  what, fleas?

  VI

  no

  LENA

  cats

  VI

  shh

  LENA

  are you all right?

  SALLY

  yes I’m fine thank you

  VI

  sorry I’m so sorry

  SALLY

  the third series

  LENA

  particles

  VI

  though mind you are we helping by never saying?

  LENA

  don’t start that

  SALLY

  it’s all right, you needn’t

  VI

  shouldn’t we just say it, say black and white, tabby, longhaired, shorthaired, siamese

  MRS J

  I’ve got a lovely tabby but he’s a tom so

  LENA

  stop it

  VI

  expose her to it and nothing bad happens and she gets used to nothing bad

  LENA

  stop it

  VI

  I’m helping

  MRS J

  is she going to faint?

  SALLY

  no no I’m

  LENA

  see?

  VI

  I’m sorry I just get

  SALLY

  I know it’s stupid

  VI

  no

  SALLY

  I know you hate me sometimes

  VI

  no, I

  LENA

  see?

  SALLY

  you just need to face

  VI

  I need to face?

  SALLY

  how unpleasant you can be

  LENA

  see?

  VI

  oh it’s me now, it’s always someone

  LENA

  stop it

  MRS J

  let’s hear it

  SALLY

  it doesn’t bother me

  VI

  oh let’s not

  SALLY

  it’s fine

  VI

  I know I shouldn’t

  SALLY

  so tell us about the third series

  MRS J

  don’t tell us about the third series

  LENA

  I’ll just hint that Elliott

  VI

  don’t say it

  MRS J

  The chemicals leaked through cracks in the money. The first symptoms were irritability and nausea. Domestic violence increased and there were incidents on the underground. School absenteeism tripled and ninetyseven schools were taken into special measures. Dog owners cleared up their pets’ vomit or risked a fine. Miscarriages were frequent leading to an increase of opportunities in grief counselling. Birth deformities outpaced the immigration of plastic surgeons. Gas masks were available on the NHS with a three month waiting time and privately in a range of colours. Sometimes the cancers began in the lungs and sometimes on the fingertips or laptops. The remaining citizens were evacuated to camps in northern Canada where they were sprayed and victimised, and the city was left to sick foxes, who soon abandoned it for lack of dustbins.

  4.

  LENA

  So how many noughts

  VI

  a billion has nine

  SALLY

  no

  VI

  a trillion

  SALLY

  a billion has twelve

  VI

  no, we adopted the American

  SALLY

  are you saying a billion isn’t a million million?

  VI

  a thousand million now, and a trillion

  SALLY

  oh I don’t like that

  MRS J

  what’s a zillion?

  VI

  and then of course you get a googol and a googolplex, which isn’t the same as

  LENA

  a zillion’s what you say, is it a real

  VI

  three Brazilians dead and President Bush said Oh no, remind me how many is a brazilian

  SALLY

  he’s taken the place of moron

  LENA

  moron?

  SALLY

  when I was a child Little Moron jokes for anything stupid, what did the Little Moron say when he

  VI

  what did he say?

  LENA

  no one says moron

  SALLY

  they keep having to change what you can say because whatever word they use becomes

  VI

  did we ever say moron for jokes? is it American or

  LENA

  but you can’t even make that kind of joke not about mentally

  SALLY

  Irish for a long time, Irish jokes

  MRS J

  ‘no blacks no dogs no Irish’

  SALLY

  I remember that

  VI

  and we weren’t even that shocked

  LENA

  we do shock easier

  VI

  but you have to have jokes about stupid things someone might do because anyone might, it’s funny

  LENA

  you can’t have a class of people

  SALLY

  you could have yourself

  VI

  you could have me

  SALLY

  what did I say when I jumped off the top of

  VI

  don’t the comedians do that, they make themselves

  SALLY

  but of cou
rse we know they’re clever.

  LENA

  So in other countries do they have that?

  VI

  jokes about being stupid?

  LENA

  making out it’s some neighbour who’s

  SALLY

  you always get people hating their neighbours

  VI

  yes the closer they are

  SALLY

  Serbs and Croats, French and English

  LENA

  there’s history though

  SALLY

  but anyone everyone outside thinks is the same

  VI

  Catholics and Protestants, Sunni and Shia

  MRS J

  Arsenal and Tottenham

  SALLY

  there you are

  LENA

  Cain and Abel

  VI

  did Abel make jokes about Cain being stupid and that’s why he killed him?

  LENA

  odd they needed a story about how killing started because

  SALLY

  chimpanzees

  LENA

  but you do wonder why of course so you make a story

  VI

  easily done I found

  SALLY

  different each time

  VI

  I don’t know why, I never knew why

  MRS J

  found it easy did you?

  LENA

  never mind that

  SALLY

  not always easy and a lot of men in the war never fired their guns because

  VI

  no it’s all right, she can know

  MRS J

  what can I know?

  VI

  tell her, go on

  LENA

  she accidentally

  SALLY

  a long time ago

  LENA

  accidentally killed her husband

  VI

  not accidentally

  LENA

  in self defence

  MRS J

  how did you do that?

  VI

  kitchen knife happened to be in my hand

  LENA

  just bad luck really

  VI

  so when I hit back

  MRS J

  so that was all right was it, self defence

  SALLY

  more complicated

  LENA

  the lawyers

  SALLY

  manslaughter

  VI

  six years, which was half

  MRS J

  still a long time

  VI

  the first two years

  LENA

  things do speed up

  SALLY

  everything does

  MRS J

  you get used to it

  SALLY

  so that can be good but when it’s your whole life speeding up

  LENA

  don’t start on that

  SALLY

  I’d like to have time travel

  VI

  knock knock

  LENA

  who’s there?

  VI

  Dr

  SALLY

  that’s a six year old’s joke.

  MRS J

  The hunger began when eighty per cent of food was diverted to tv programmes. Commuters watched breakfast on iPlayer on their way to work. Smartphones were distributed by charities when rice ran out, so the dying could watch cooking. The entire food stock of Newcastle was won by lottery ticket and the winner taken to a 24 hour dining room where fifty chefs chopped in relays and the public voted on what he should eat next. Cars were traded for used meat. Children fell asleep in class and didn’t wake up. The obese sold slices of themselves until hunger drove them to eat their own rashers. Finally the starving stormed the tv centres and were slaughtered and smoked in large numbers. Only when cooking shows were overtaken by sex with football teams did cream trickle back to the shops and rice was airlifted again.

  5.

  VI

  People always want to fly

  LENA

  fly like a bird

  SALLY

  that’s always the favourite, what would you like

  LENA

  invisible

  VI

  languages, I’d like to be able to speak every

  SALLY

  but we do fly now

  MRS J

  planes isn’t the same

  VI

  go to any country at all and understand

  SALLY

  and nobody looks out of the window

  LENA

  watching the screens

  VI

  I do like getting all those movies I never

  SALLY

  looking down on clouds

  LENA

  yes what would Julius Caesar have thought or

  SALLY

  and they make it like being in a very unpleasant room

  VI

  try to make you forget you’re up in the air

  LENA

  because it could be frightening being up in the air

  SALLY

  because that’s not what people mean by flying

  VI

  flying like a bird in the sky

  LENA

  but if people could, if we all

  VI

  that’s no good

  LENA

  imagine the crowds

  SALLY

  at rush hour

  LENA

  separate lanes

  SALLY

  flocks

  VI

  like starlings, that would be good, all those shapes

  LENA

  flocks of pigeons, they seem to change colour

  SALLY

  no we wouldn’t have that sense of each other, we’d keep bumping

  VI

  but what people want is fly by yourself

  LENA

  straight up like a lark

  VI

  or hover like what?

  LENA

  a kestrel

  VI

  kestrel yes

  LENA

  or an eagle

  VI

  soar like an eagle

  MRS J

  I wouldn’t want to be a pigeon

  VI

  we’re not being birds we’re us but able to

  SALLY

  pigeons are like rats

  LENA

  pigeons are not

  VI

  looking down from above

  SALLY

  like drones with cameras

  LENA

  Barney’s got one, remote control, you can see as if you’re

  VI

  I hate that because they bomb and they’re not in danger

  LENA

  it’s just a toy

  SALLY

  is it all right to bomb if you are in danger?

  VI

  but no it’s not the seeing it’s the sensation

  LENA

  soaring and diving

  SALLY

  like swimming under water really going up and down

  VI

  no only if you can scuba

  LENA

  hate putting my head under water

  VI

  birds is better than fish

  MRS J