Selma felt even worse now than she had earlier that evening. “I’m sorry. You’re right; I don’t understand it, but I guess I will have to accept it,” she said, sliding her cup back onto the counter and giving up her quest for tea. Right then, she wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and pass the night away.
“That is part of the problem,” Moira said. “If you and Mr. Stutzman were to take the time and listen to what we’re trying to say, you both might see things differently. You guys don’t see it as the betrayal that it is.”
“Apparently not,” Selma said. “So why don’t you explain it to me again?”
Moira shook her head and sighed. “When you marry someone, you promise them your heart and commitment to them for life. The moment he marries you, his vows to his first wife are void. And on top of that, his sons don’t approve, so if he ignores their feelings, that in itself is another betrayal.”
Selma rose to her feet and then tipped her tea down the sink. She walked to the doorway of the kitchen then turned to Moira. “Lots of people in the community have second marriages when their spouse dies. Why is it okay for everyone else across the country, but if Michael wants to do it he gets the horrible reactions that you and his boys are giving him? How is that fair? How does it make sense?”
Moira sipped from her cup once more but never said a word in response to Selma’s questions.
“All we want is to be happy, and with each other is where that happens most often,” Selma added.
Still, Moira said nothing in reply. Instead, she turned her back on Selma and poured herself some more tea. Frustrated beyond belief, Selma decided to head to bed. The day had been filled with mixed emotions, but the ending had been anything but enjoyable. “Well, I’m going to get some sleep. I apologize for startling you when I first came in.” Selma disappeared into the dim hallway before Moira had a chance to say goodnight.
When Selma reached her bedroom, she locked the door behind her. Falling back against its wooden surface, she crossed her arms over her chest, closed her eyes tightly, and then sighed. Selma wondered if she should just give up on everything and head back home to Coulson County. Moira seemed to be doing well enough, so she figured that her friend would be fine without a little extra help until the baby arrived. Besides, Moira had her own mother and father living close by. She didn’t really need Selma’s help.
Opening her eyes, Selma trudged over to her bed and collapsed onto it, the soft mattress catching her falling body. She looked up at the ceiling, even though it was marred in darkness. Images of her happiest moments with Mr. Stutzman played over before her eyes. Maybe going home wasn’t the right thing for her. Would it be a better idea to ignore everyone else and do what would make her happy? Everyone would surely get used to seeing her and Michael together after a while.
Sheer exhaustion overwhelmed Selma’s body, and her eyes closed. Her last thought before falling asleep was a question that had lingered through her mind all night long. What was the right thing to do? Go home, or stay here to risk being hated by everyone except Michael?
The next morning, Selma woke with her brain in a haze. She sat up immediately and rubbed at her eyes, a sense of confusion muddling her head. Trying to make sense of the strange way she felt, she lay back down and stared up at the ceiling.
Then, piece-by-piece, her dream came back to her. It had felt so real while she was asleep, but now she could hardly remember what it had been about. As she thought back on it and let her body relax, several images popped into her head. Michael had been in the dream with her; that she remembered clear as day. Where had they been, though?
Selma rolled onto her side and thought harder. She then saw a field of yellowing grass beneath her feet as she looked back up to see Michael before her. The look on his face was one of surprise and horror, his skin turning a bluish tint as he clutched at his chest. Her eyes quickly opened as the fear took over her emotions.
Shaking it off, Selma took a deep breath and closed her eyes again, hoping to relive the remainder of the dream. This time, however, she saw nothing but blackness caused by her closed eyelids. Opening her eyes, she sat up on the edge of her bed and dangled her feet. She looked down and nodded; that was exactly how she felt right then. It was like she was dangling from high up with no one to catch her if she fell.
She noticed a peculiar sound that she hadn’t picked up on sooner. Her eyebrows drooped over her eyes. What was that noise? Walking over toward her door, she pulled it open and stuck her head out into the hallway. The sound was much louder and appeared to be coming downstairs. Selma quickly got dressed and then headed down to see what all the commotion was about.
When she walked into the living room, she saw Moira sitting on the sofa with her hands over her face. She could hear the countless sobs as tears trickled down her friend’s hands. Selma wasn’t sure what was going on, and feeling a state of panic coming on, she looked around frantically for Tom. She heard voices in the kitchen and raced in to see that one of Mr. Stutzman’s sons was at the house; he stood over near the stove talking in a low voice to Tom. What was going on?
Selma paused as her dream rushed to the forefront of her thoughts.
She walked over to Tom and Mr. Stutzman’s son, but before she could speak, Tom looked at her and shook his head slowly. “I’m so sorry,” he said.
Fear instantly paralyzed Selma, causing her chest to tighten as the hair on her arms stood to attention. “What do you mean?” she asked in disbelief. “Why is he here?” she added, looking at Michael’s son.
Just then, before Tom could respond, time stood still for Selma. It was like she was reliving the missing portion of her dream. In her dream Michael lay in the middle of a field of grass, clutching at his chest, but then, things changed. There was nobody else around now, not even she was. It was almost as though Selma was watching the man she loved die alone in a field by himself. Tom’s words jolted her back into the room.
“Michael suffered a heart attack this morning. He’s in the hospital now,” Tom said, pulling Selma right back to reality.
“What?” she gasped.
Chapter 8
And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food;
the tree of life also in the midst of the garden,
and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
Genesis 2:9
* * *
“I wanted to stop by and let you all know before I went to see him at the hospital,” Mr. Stutzman’s son, Jacob, said.
Selma stared at him blankly. It felt like her heart had stopped beating and was now falling into the pit of her stomach. “But,” she said, struggling to speak. “Is he going to be okay?”
Tom sighed, flashing her a worried frown as Moira continued to sob on the sofa.
Jacob wiped at his eyes once more before walking toward the hallway. She could see the hurt and agony in his face as he spoke. “We don’t really know, but it doesn’t look good,” he explained, shaking his head. “The doctor said he’d do all that he can, but doctors aren’t miracle workers. That was his opinion, not mine.”
“Oh,” Selma replied, looking down as a single tear fell from her right eye and tickled her cheek as it rolled down it. She glanced back up at Mr. Stutzman’s son and frowned. “You said that you were going to see him in the hospital after you leave here, right? Would it be okay if I took the ride with you?” she asked.
At first he seemed a bit hesitant, but after looking directly into her eyes, a sudden change of heart appeared to wash over him. “Well, I wasn’t planning on staying long, but you’re more than welcome to join me if you’d like to.”
Despite her shattered heart, Selma found solace in the fact that she would get to see Mr. Stutzman. She would be able to hold his hand one more time and let him know how much she cared. “I would,” she answered. She stared at Michael’s son until his name came to mind. He was Jacob, the middle Stutzman boy.
“Okay, I’ll wait for
you outside then, Selma.” Jacob walked toward the door.
“Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to go with him to the hospital?” Tom asked in a whisper, his eyes never leaving his wife. “Maybe Moira could use you here.”
Selma sighed and shook her head, glancing down at the ground. “I know it isn’t the best situation, but I can’t just leave Michael alone like that. Moira has you, but he only has his boys. I need to see him and know that he’s okay, and he needs to know that I’m still here for him. For as long as he wants me around, I’ll be here.” Selma tried hard not to cry, but tears came to her eyes. She wiped them away with the back of her hand.
Tom gave her a gentle hug. “Don’t give up yet, there’s still a good chance he’ll recover from this. Just go show him your support and things should be okay.”
She looked up at him and smiled. “You’re right,” she said, wiping away the remaining tears as her eyes finally dried up. Selma walked over to the sofa and sat beside Moira. She gently gripped her hand and spoke softly as her friend looked at her intently. “I will tell him that you send your love,” she said.
Moira nodded, swallowing a large lump in her throat. Tears continued to escape from her eyes as she sat there in disbelief. “Please do, and let him know that Tom and I will be there to visit as soon as we can find someone to watch Millie for a few hours.”
“Of course, and you know that as soon as I get back I’ll watch her for you if you want to go see him. I’m sure he would appreciate that.” Selma rubbed Moira’s arm.
Moira smiled and looked over at Tom, who was now standing over by the doorway. “You should probably get going, though. I think Jacob will want to get going.”
“Jah,” Selma said, her mind falling into a daze of confusion and forgetfulness. “I can hardly think straight,” she said with a groan. “I’ll be back later, in enough time to get the midday meal ready.”
Tom and Moira watched Selma as she headed outside to Jacob’s buggy. As she approached, Jacob stood by her side of the buggy and helped her climb up into it. Hurrying over to the driver’s side, he jumped in and whipped the reins, sending them barreling off toward the hospital.
The drive to see Mr. Stutzman was rather silent as Selma didn’t know what to say to Jacob and she guessed that he felt the same. When they arrived, Jacob hurried into the small wooden hospital. As they walked down the hallway, she noticed empty rooms as she passed by them.
“Do you know where he is?” she asked, a spooky sensation coming over her as she recalled her eerie dream.
“He’s just at the end of this hall.” Jacob pointed to a room at the end, which was labeled, ‘Room 7’.
Selma’s heart raced as her skin grew hot. As they arrived at his door, Jacob pushed the door open.
There was a nurse in the room. “Oh, hello. Are you here to see Mr. Stutzman?” she asked.
“Yes, we are. I’m his son, and this, and this is his … friend, Selma.”
“It’s nice to meet you both,” the nurse said, walking closer to the pair. She leaned over and whispered, “He’s doing better now, but he’s still very weak and sluggish. He hasn’t really been able to speak much; just moans and grunts. We’ve been giving him some herbs for the pain and now we’re monitoring his breathing carefully. I’d suggest you don’t stay too long, but I’m sure even if he can’t say it, he’s glad to see you both.” The nurse left the room.
Selma and Jacob exchanged a quick glance and then turned to Mr. Stutzman, who was lying motionless in an uncomfortable looking bed. Selma walked over to him and gently covered his right hand with both of hers. “I know you can’t talk or anything right now, but I hope you can at least hear me,” she said. Just then, she felt her hand being squeezed, and she saw Mr. Stutzman’s head turning to look at her. A single tear fell from her cheek as she looked at him with utter despair. “You need to get better. You have too many people counting on you to pull through this. Please, don’t leave us, and don’t leave me,” she pleaded.
Another squeezing sensation pulsated through her hands. She smiled at Michael, holding back the tears for his sake. “The nurse said that we shouldn’t stay long so that you can get some rest, but would you like it if I came here tomorrow to see you again?” Selma was sure that she saw the corners of his lips twitch.
“Oh, I almost forgot. Moira and Tom send their love and will come see you as soon as they can,” Selma said. She walked toward Jacob, who was still standing by the door. “You should go talk to him. He’ll be happy to hear your voice, I’m sure,” she said, hoping to encourage him. She could tell that Jacob was scared.
Jacob swallowed hard. “I know, but it’s so hard to see him like that. I can’t lose another parent. I just can’t.” Tears came to Jacob’s eyes and Moira rubbed his shoulder.
“It’s not easy at all, but nobody said it would be. I know you love your vadder, and right now, he needs to know that more than anyone else.”
Jacob stared into her eyes and then his lips formed a smile. “Thank you for that,” he said, shaking his head. “Of all the people in the world, you’re the one making me feel better during such a difficult time. You’re a special lady.” Jacob walked over to his father’s bed and whispered a few words to him.
Selma smiled and walked out into the corridor to give them some privacy. She glanced back into the room to see Jacob hunched over the bed crying. Part of her wanted to run back in and hug them both, but she knew that it was neither the time nor the place for such an act. Instead, she waited patiently for Jacob.
Minutes later, Jacob joined her in the hallway. He wiped his eyes. “Denke, Selma.”
Selma smiled at him happy that she’d gotten to know one of the Stutzman boys a little better.
They walked out of the hospital together and once they were in the buggy, Jacob glanced over at Selma. “I want to tell you that I am truly sorry for how I treated you the other night. The entire family is sorry; we all feel awful for how we acted and made you feel. Since Dat got sick, we’ve all been given a stark reminder of how precious life is. And then seeing you in that hospital room with my vadder, I just can’t find it in my heart to dislike you anymore. Please forgive me. Forgive all of us,” he said, tears dripping from his eyes.
Selma wiped a tear from her own eye and laughed. “We’re an excellent pair, crying like this.” Selma sniffed a couple of times. “I never meant to upset anyone, but your vadder means a lot to me. I just want him to be happy.”
Jacob nodded and let a grin form on his lips. “I know you do, and I think that’s how we all need to think. Who knows how much longer he’ll have,” he added, snapping his wrist and sending a message for the horse to go a little faster.
Selma swallowed hard after hearing that remark but shrugged it off as they moved rapidly down the dirt road. “Hopefully he has a fair bit longer.”
Nine days after Selma and his son had first visited him, Michael Stutzman had finally regained most of his strength. Selma entered the hospital room to see him sitting up of his own accord, eating some food that rested on a small tray.
“Hello,” she greeted as she entered the room.
Mr. Stutzman looked up at her, but instead of smiling or looking happy, he frowned and let out a small sigh. “Hello,” he said.
Selma’s eyebrows suddenly felt heavy as confusion clouded her mind. She stepped closer to his bed and tilted her head in wonder. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
Mr. Stutzman cleared his throat and shook his head before speaking in a somber tone. “I don’t really know how to say this, but I think my sudden illness is proof that it’s just not meant to be.”
“What do you mean?” she said, unsure what to think about his comment.
“With how ill I am now, I would be nothing more than a burden on you. My family has already caused you enough unhappiness; I can’t do that to you,” he said. “We both know that I’m not going to last much longer. It’s better for you if you go back to Coulson County and forget all about me.”
S
elma clutched at her heart not believing her ears. After all they’d been through and how far they’d come, how could he say this now? Selma felt her warm tears as they streamed down her face. “But I’d rather be with you, even if that means taking care of you all day, every day,” she cried.
Mr. Stutzman shook his head and sighed. “I cannot do that to you, Selma. Please, just forget me.”
Chapter 9
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1
* * *
After walking outside the hospital, Selma glanced back at the old building and sighed. She filled her lungs with air and tried her best not to cry. She walked toward the buggy and readied herself for the trip back to Moira’s house. Moira would be pleased that she wasn’t going to marry Michael.
The drive back to the house was a blur. Selma’s focused on nothing but Mr. Stutzman’s decision. He seemed convinced that she should return to Coulson County. Maybe he was right, though. There seemed to be nothing but hurt and disappointment for her in Earltown, and she no longer wanted to subject herself to such things. Why continue to fight a battle that she was never meant to win? Maybe Gott has an easier road for me to go down.
Selma busied herself unhitching the buggy and tending to the horse before walking to the front door of Moira’s house. When she climbed the steps and store before it, she hesitated, trying to think of what she would say to Moira. After waiting several seconds, she took a large gulp of air and opened the door.
Amish Second Loves Page 5