Step Into the Wind

by Bev Prescott

  Alex meant to move, but her body remained rooted where she stood. Curiously, the overwhelming emotions suddenly welling inside her weren’t driven by fear or anger. Star’s palpable primal instinct to survive was the catalyst. Despite her circumstances, the eagle exuded an unconquerable will to live. She radiated a life that wrapped around Alex and filled her with hope.

  Zoe took a step toward her. “Alex? I can take you back outside if you’re afraid. I’ll come back in and feed Dac after.”

  “I’m okay.” Alex smiled and needed to say the words again to be sure. “I’m really okay. I love being here with you and Star. Tell me how I can help.”

  A grin spread across Zoe’s face. “I hope you know what you’re in for.” She opened the plastic bags. The smell of dead fish filled the room. “Chopped salmon, an eaglet favorite. Why don’t you grab a couple of pieces and let’s see if we can get Dac to eat his breakfast?”

  Alex made a face and scrunched up her nose. “If that smell stays in my memory, I’ll never eat again.” She picked up the fish parts and carried them to the pen. As she neared, she could see over the edge and spotted Dac sitting in a corner with his head hanging low. “He seems so sad.”

  Dac lifted his head and backed closer to the wall. Alex had the urge to scoop him into her arms and cradle him. She resisted, knowing it wouldn’t be good for him to become attached to her. Besides, Star watched her every move, a good reminder that the eagle intended to be the only maternal caregiver in the room. Her shifting around on the perch made that abundantly clear.

  Zoe tossed a chunk of fish near Dac’s feet. He pushed himself even closer to the wall as if trying to disappear.

  Alex’s heart broke for him. She knew the feeling. “Come on, Dac. You have your whole life in front of you to soar around in the sky. Don’t give up.” Don’t give up. The words were as much for her as for Dac.

  “We should give him some space.” Zoe removed the rubber gloves from her hands and tossed them onto the counter near the sink. “He’s still too discombobulated to eat, especially with us around.” She picked up a heavy leather glove from a nearby table and slipped it on. The glove covered her hand and arm up to the elbow. “Go ahead and toss what you have in with him. I’ll feed Star the rest. I could show you the grounds afterward, if you’d like.” She held out her gloved hand, filled with fish pieces, to Star.

  “I’d like that.” Alex watched Star take chunks of fish from Zoe with her talons and shred them with her knife-edged beak.

  After Star had her fill, Zoe removed the leather glove while Alex did the same with her rubber ones. She and Zoe washed their hands and slipped out of the center into another steamy hot early afternoon. The dirt path they walked along was too dry and dusty for June. Up ahead, a bench sat next to a fifty-foot-wide raptor cage

  “Do you mind if we sit for a while?” Alex asked when they approached the bench. “Being up all night might be catching up to me.”

  “You do look a bit pale.” Zoe sat down. “Are you all right?”

  “I feel a little light-headed.”

  “I’m not surprised. I’m sure the heat and the fact that you haven’t eaten anything isn’t helping either. We should get some lunch.”

  Several red-tailed hawks kept watch over them from perches inside the enclosure. Alex leaned against the back of the bench and studied them. “I’ll need my strength, that’s for sure. I’m glad you convinced me to stay a while longer. But I’m not looking forward to reliving what happened.” She squeezed Zoe’s hand. “I’m going to try harder this time to see it through to the other end, I hope.”

  Several seconds passed before Zoe spoke. “I’m sorry you have to go through it. But you’ll get there. If there’s anything I can do to help, let me.”

  Anxiety clawed at the back of Alex’s throat, reminding her of its presence. She tried to gather strength from the hawks looking at her. “Remember when I told you I was in and out of the hospital after my brother died?”

  “Yes.”

  “During that time, I saw a doctor who tried to make me understand I had to confront what had happened and not tuck it away. I wasn’t ready to listen. It was just too daunting. The first chance I got, I went as far from Maine as I could go. I think it’s time for me to finally listen to that doctor’s advice. I know I can’t keep running. The past is gaining on me. I’m too tired to try to stay ahead of it.” She turned to face Zoe. “Part of me doesn’t want to run anymore, even if I could. One of the reasons is because I want to get better. Another is because of you.”

  Zoe caressed the side of her face. “That means a lot to me, but you have to do it for yourself, not anyone else.”

  “You’re right.” Alex brought Zoe’s hand to her heart. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I have nothing left inside to help me run. I can’t do this anymore on my own. I know I need help.” Some of the weight pressing on her fell away with the admission. “I want to live like Star and Patch, despite what happened.”

  Zoe pulled Alex into her arms. “You’re the superhero.”

  Chapter 24

  The following morning, Alex watched Sally put the finishing touches on a sign she was making.

  Sally looked tiny under a wide-brimmed straw hat while she sat at a picnic table under a blazing afternoon sun. Buddy slept soundly at her feet. She glanced up from her project and smiled. “Hello.” She held up the sign. “What do you think, girlie?” She giggled.

  “Puppy Fashion Show at the Camp Marcotte Barn on Saturday at Two PM.” Alex finished making her way down the hill to the table. “I like it. The kids are going to be beside themselves. Do you need any more help to get ready?”

  “No, this pretty much squares things away until Saturday, when I’ll need loads of help. All those puppies and kids in the mix could get interesting.”

  Alex sat down. “I’ll definitely be there.”

  “How did things go with your phone call to Dr. Kestler’s office this morning?”

  “Good. She’s still in the same place and was able to fit me in for an appointment on Friday. I think she was pretty surprised to hear from me after all this time.”

  “And relieved, I’m sure.” Sally patted her hand. “I’m really proud of you for taking this step. How do you feel about it?”

  “I want to get better, that’s for sure. I know this is something I need to do in order to get there, but I’m not looking forward to it.” Alex shook her head. “I’ll spend the next several weeks delving into things I’ve worked so hard to hide. It’ll be like turning myself inside out and leaving all my vulnerable parts exposed.”

  “Ah, but who better to help you with that experience than Dr. Kestler? She knows you and all about what happened to Jake. You won’t have to rehash things with a stranger. She’ll keep you safe. In the long run, it’ll be so much better for you to actually deal with those things instead of hiding them away.” Sally waved a hand as if to brush away something bad. “Get rid of them for good. Who knows? Maybe then you’ll want to stay here permanently.”

  Alex’s father came from the barn. He chatted with Chuck as he pointed at the barn door. Most likely there was something he needed Chuck to repair. “I don’t know about that,” Alex said. “I sometimes wonder whether the only way for me to be free is to say good-bye to my parents for good. What they did and didn’t do is at the heart of much of my trouble.”

  “What do I know? I’m just an old lady in a funny hat. But if you ask me, being free has nothing to do with what anyone else does.” Sally tapped a finger to the side of her forehead. “It starts there.” She moved her finger down and tapped her heart. “And ends there. The answers as to where you go rest within you and have nothing to do with your parents or anyone else. Trust me, honey. And trust Dr. Kestler this time.”

  Chuck and Daniel finished their conversation and came over to the picnic table. “The sign looks great,” Daniel said to Sally. “Chuck has some time this morning to hang it wherever you like.”

  Sally picked up t
he sign. “Now works.” She lifted her spindly legs over the seat of the picnic table and stood. On cue, Buddy did as well. “I’d like to take it over to Rita’s General Store. Everyone in town will already know about the show. Rita’s is the best place to advertise it with the out-of-towners. Come on, we’ll take Hiccup.” Sally kissed Alex on the cheek. “If you need anything at all, you find me.” She left with Chuck and Buddy in tow.

  “Age certainly hasn’t slowed Sally down. It’ll have to sneak up on her in her sleep to catch her,” Alex said.

  “I suppose so.” Daniel stared at the lake for several moments. “You don’t have to stay in the staff quarters. I’d like you to come back to the house.”

  Alex didn’t answer right away. It was typical of her father to reach out without actually making a connection. Always the coward, not wanting to look her in the eye. Maybe because he didn’t mean it. It occurred to her briefly that maybe he didn’t know how to make a connection. “I’d prefer to stay where I am.” Inside, she quarreled over whether she was being too hard on him.

  “Is it because of Zoe?”

  Frustrated, she rubbed her eyes. “With all that I said to you yesterday, why would you ask such a question?”

  He finally turned to face her. “Because I practically begged on my hands and knees for you to stay, but you drove away as if I don’t matter. It wasn’t until Zoe went after you that you came back. Why her, not me? Is there something going on between the two of you?”

  His words struck Alex speechless. Two sentences and two questions she’d spend some time grappling over. Why not me? Is there something going on between the two of you? It was as simple and complicated as that. She felt his hand on her shoulder.

  “Maybe.” Part of her wanted to confess everything in her heart to him. The other part despised him for asking.

  He sat down next to her. “I don’t want to lose you like I lost Jake.” He folded his hands together on the picnic table. “I’m worried you might be in the same place as him. I’m so relieved that you agreed to stay and see Dr. Kestler before something bad happens.”

  Alex stared at him. Somehow, he always managed to say the things that hurt her the most. Her rational brain asked, what father wouldn’t be worried? Her heart ached that he only seemed to be interested or care about her during a crisis. “Why do I only matter to you when you think something bad might happen?”

  “That’s not true,” he said.

  “Really? Since I’ve been home, you haven’t asked me about my book or about school. You don’t care to know whether I’m seeing anyone unless it negatively impacts you. When was the last time you asked me how I’m doing or whether I’m happy? The way you just asked me about Zoe felt more like an accusation than interest.” Alex shook her head. “You make me feel as though I’m invisible, except for the parts you’re willing to see.”

  “First of all,” he said, “don’t assume I have a problem with you caring about Zoe. You make a lot of assumptions for someone who’s been gone for years. Second, you were the one who left. How am I supposed to get to know you when you’re all the way across the country and refuse to come home?” Tears filled his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without your mother. She’s always been my whole world.”

  Alex contemplated her father in a way she never had before. Perhaps she was guilty of the same things she’d accused him of. For the first time, she saw him as other than a parent. The child inside her despised him for not letting his children share his heart in the same way their mother had. But the woman inside saw him as a human being struggling unsuccessfully with the impending loss of the person he loved more than anyone in the world. The clash between the two perspectives was one more problem she’d have to resolve if she had any hope of getting better.

  “What does that have to do with me? I’m not her,” Alex said.

  “I need you in my life.” He broke down. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  The essential difference between her father and mother became clear. He was fragile, and her mother was hard like granite. Alex wasn’t the only one who needed help. “Will you go see Dr. Kestler with me?”

  “What are you saying? That I have a problem too? I’m not the one who needs a shrink.”

  “You have no idea what you just said, do you?” Alex shook her head in disgust. “Mom needed help for years, but you both saw therapy as a sign of weakness. Did you ever stop to think that if you’d insisted she get help, this whole thing might have turned out differently?”

  Daniel slammed his hand down on the table. “Why do you always have to blame me?”

  Alex struggled against her building anxiety and the impulse to run from him and the question. “You’re right. Maybe it’s time to stop blaming and figure out how to live free of it.” Her anger at her parents battled against her desperate need to view what had happened in a different way. A way that was free from the bitterness that poisoned her, just like it had her mother and now her father. “Did you and Mom ever talk about what happened to Jake?”

  “It wasn’t something either of us wanted to think about, let alone talk about. We were focused on worrying about you.”

  “Maybe that’s part of the problem. You haven’t dealt with Jake’s loss anymore than I have. You’re still living it every day too. That’s why you don’t know what to do anymore. If you’re serious about needing me in your life, then do this with me. I think it would help both of us.”

  “Will you stay at least through the summer if I go? I’ll do it for you.”

  She got up from the table. “A very wise woman told me the same thing that I’ll tell you: you have to do it for yourself first.”

  He sighed and seemed to weigh his options. “I’ll call Dr. Kestler this morning.”

  “Thank you.”

  Chapter 25

  Alex leaned against the chestnut tree and let it support her weight. With her legs crossed in front of her and the buttress of the tree behind her, relaxation swept over her.

  Dr. Kestler’s quiet voice from their earlier morning session replayed in her head. “Let all the air out of your lungs, taking the negative thoughts with it. Focus on this moment. Feel every cell of your body.”

  She’d forgotten how meditation was like running. It offered uncluttered moments free from the messiness and worry of life. Unfortunately, it took discipline to find those fleeting instances of peace.

  A light breeze wafted over her skin and evaporated the sweat from the day’s heat. The air moved a loose strand of hair that tickled the side of her neck. She tucked her hair behind her ears and did her best to stay in the state of meditation until Zoe arrived.

  Someone was coming through the woods, and Alex’s heart skipped a beat. She opened an eye and smiled.

  “I know I’m a little early. I hope I’m not interrupting.” Zoe slipped her hands into the pockets of her cargo shorts. “I tried to make a lot of noise so you’d hear me. Should I go?”

  Zoe only added to Alex’s rare sense of calm. “No. I’m happy to see you.” She patted the blanket spread beneath her. “Come sit with me. I was almost finished anyway.”

  “Were you meditating?”

  “How did you guess?”

  “You look like I feel when I’m in the top of the trees. There’s nothing like escaping the troubles of the world by climbing above it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have to go down, that I can’t stay up there forever.” Zoe slipped the backpack off her shoulders and took a spot next to Alex. “How are things going with your therapy sessions, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “I don’t mind.” Alex bit her bottom lip. “It’s scary and cathartic. Right now, I’m mostly working on ways to relax, like the meditation. Dr. Kestler wants to make sure I have tools at my disposal to find calm before we really dig down into my family’s past. Therapy can get ugly. Sorry for the analogy, but it’s a lot like throwing up. Your brain begs you not to because it’s so damned unpleasant, but the truth is, once it happens you always fe
el a million times better getting rid of whatever ails you.”

  “That’s why I think you’re amazing for being brave enough to do it.” Zoe touched her shoulder. “Is your dad still going with you?”

  “To my surprise, yes. He even agreed to see a separate therapist during the days we don’t have joint sessions. Maybe he’ll finally realize that this isn’t only about me.”

  “That’s a huge step for him.” Zoe brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. “Will you let me know if there’s anything I can do to help as you go through all this?”

  “Just being willing to listen and not think I’m some kind of crazy person does wonders.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t say that anymore. I’ve never thought that, and I never will.”

  “What do you think?” Alex asked.

  “We all have things we struggle with. It’s part of life. I’m short, but you don’t hold that against me.” Zoe grinned.

  Alex ran a hand through Zoe’s hair, entangling the strands in her fingers. “No.”

  “I saw Dac this morning,” Zoe said with a quiver in her voice. She looked away.

  Alex let go of her hair and sat up straight. “Yeah? How is he?”

  “He’s doing well. He’s finally eating like he should, and his leg is healing perfectly. We’re going to take him back to the nest next week. Do you want to join us? My guess is we’ll shoot for Tuesday, if you’re free.”

  “Oh, my God, I’d love to. Other than the camp and my therapy sessions, I was planning to go to the archives in Augusta one day to work on my book. But I can rearrange things. That’s such great news. I imagine it won’t be easy to climb the tree with him now that he’s grown so much.”

  “We won’t be putting him in the nest. It’s too risky. We’ll leave him on the ground and hope he can get back up there on his own.”

  “You’re kidding, right? He can’t fly. How is he going to manage that?”