Turned Gay by the Existential Dread That I May Actually Be a Character in a Chuck Tingle Book

by Chuck Tingle

  “Or whether or not you’re in a Chuck Tingle novel,” my existential dread interjects.

  I nod.

  “Well, does this answer your question?” the sentient emotion says with a laugh. He pats the edge of the hot tub next to him, beckoning me forward.

  I do as I’m told, slipping into the warm water next to the emotion and accepting my fate. “I can’t believe it,” I finally murmur, staring past my own simmering dread and out into the waters beyond.

  “It’s hard on most people,” offers my living existential dread, “I mean, nobody wants to find out that they’re in a book.”

  I just shake my head, the weight of my despair almost too much to bear.

  My personified looming breakdown puts his hand on my shoulder, trying his best to offer support. “Listen buddy, I know I’m your perceived oppressive weight of cosmic reality, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to live for anymore.”

  “What do you mean?” I finally ask.

  “Well like, look at it this way,” my existential dread continues, “even though you’re just a tiny part of an infinitely big universe, you’re also infinitely important compared to an atom. You could have been born a tree, or a rock.”

  “Born?” I counter.

  “You know what I mean,” my dread struggles to explain, “the fact that you’re even able to experience an existential crisis at all means that you’ve been blessed with the ability to do so. For every argument that you’re small and meaningless, there’s an equal argument that you’re unfathomably important.”

  His words actually do give me some solace. “You’re right,” I tell the sentient emotion.

  “To get to this point, an infinite amount of choices had to be made, going back billions and billions of years,” my dread explains. “If you really think about it, we’re both so fucking lucky to be here, there’s a hundred billion to one odds of that happening; probably more, actually. So it’s like, sure, you’re a character in a book, but the number of character who never even got to exist is endless.”

  “That’s so heavy,” I offer, finally coming to terms with my own infinite impossibility.

  “I think that maybe it’s time you started looking at all the positives in this situation,” suggests my dread.

  “Like?” I question.

  The personified emotion grins wryly and then leans in, kissing me deeply on the mouth.

  My first instinct is to pull away, still trying to deny the truth of what I really am, but the longer that we remain locked together, the more I can feel the desire for this personified horror burning inside of me. I’ve never had a gay experience before, but now I understand that it was only a matter of time before the homoerotic portion of my story began.

  Soon our hands are roaming across one another’s muscular bodies, caressing and touching with a frantic enthusiasm. The sentient feeling is more toned that I could have ever expected, clearly hitting plenty of hours at the gym when he’s not filling me with a crushing depression and cosmic fear.

  Eventually, my wandering hands begin to drift lower and lower, below the bubbling water and under the waistband of my living emotion’s shorts. Here I find the sentient dread’s enormous shaft, rock hard and ready for my grip to be wrapped tightly around it.

  I grab ahold and then begin to pump slowly, watching as the my living emotion leans his head back and lets out a long, drawn out groan. My hand moves slowly at first, then faster and faster with every successive pump until I am beating him off frantically, the sentient dread writhing with pleasure.

  Eventually, I just can’t take it anymore, standing up from my seat next to him and taking the living feeling by the waist. I guide him up so that he is now sitting on the rim of the tub, his massive, engorged shaft shooting up and away from his swirling body for the world to see. Now that I can get a good look at it, I am even more shocked and amazing by the rod’s size, a formidable tower of sexuality.

  I open my mouth wide and take his entire girth, pushing down as deep as I can and then gagging slightly as my dread’s cock reaches the steadfast border of my gag reflex.

  “I’m sorry,” I gush, coming up for air in a wild sputtering mess. “I’ve never sucked someone off before.”

  My existential dread has a playful chuckle. “You’ll get the hang of it,” he says, completely sincere.

  I collect myself and then take the emotion’s shaft between my lips one more time, bobbing up and down as my mouth becomes accustomed to his length. I move in a series of slow, deliberate bobs at first, making sure to relax my throat as much as possible until finally pushing down and, somehow, allow his massive cock to slip past my previous limits.

  Before I know it, my face is pressed up against the sentient dread’s rock hard abs, his shaft completely consumed in a perfectly performed deep throat. I open my eyes and gaze up at him, then wink playfully.

  “That feels so fucking good,” my own suffocating astral dread tells me, placing his large cosmic hands on the back of my head and holding me here for a moment.

  I can tell that he enjoys this control over me, keeping me here for as long as I can possibly manage and then finally letting up at the final second, just moments before I’ve run out of air.

  Now I’m completely overwhelmed with erotic compulsion, ready to completely give myself over to this amazing otherworldly manifestation. I stand up on the seat in front of him and turn around, looking back over my shoulder coyly as I pull down my swimming trunks. The oppressive dread’s eyes are locked onto my muscular ass, and I can tell that he likes what he sees.

  “You want to pound me?” I ask, bending over a bit and then reaching back with both hands to spread my cheeks wide. “You want to plow this tight gay asshole?”

  My sentient cosmic fear nods enthusiastically.

  “Good,” I tell him, and then slowly lower myself down onto his erect shaft.

  It takes a moment to align the head of his dick with my puckered back door, his rod teasing the entrance before I push down onto him and let out a powerful moan. I can feel the tightness of my butthole expand around him, stretched out as far as it can possibly go while he impales my body.

  My dread begins to lift me up and down across his rod with his massive, muscular arms, fucking me in a graceful chain of firm swoops. He is deeper within my anus than I ever knew was possible, our bodies now completely connected like pieces of a beautiful butt puzzle.

  “Harder” I demand, reaching down and grabbing ahold of my own rock hard shaft. I begin to pump along with the movements of the living emotion below me.

  My existential dread speeds up, pounding me harder and harder with every thrust until eventually he is utterly throttling me like a feverish anal jackhammer. My hand continues to pulse along with him, immediately causing the first sensual hints of orgasm to begin working their way through my body.

  “Harder! Harder!” I continue, screaming now. Now that I’ve learned I’m simply a character in a Chuck Tingle novel, I don’t care who hears me. “Pound me with the weight of your oppressive, existential cock!”

  “You’re existence is both meaningless and powerfully important!” yells my cosmic dread.

  Suddenly, I find myself cascading over the edge of a mighty orgasm, my entire body surging with pleasure as a hot load is expelled from the head of my cock. It blasts out into the bubbling waters of the hot tub, then is swept away like the currents of time as they cascade and tumble through the universe. I realize now that my existence is just like the cum in this hot tub, fleeting but beautiful, a firework in the darkness after several billion years of nothing but lifeless space dust.

  Suddenly, I am content, completely at one with myself and the world around me. I pull the cock from my asshole and spin around, kneeling down before the handsome sentient feeling as he towers above me.

  My existential dread beats off with a furious intensity, throwing his head back and roaring loudly into the sky. “Every moment since the beginning of ti
me had lead us here!” he screams.

  My oppressive astral dread unleashes an absolutely massive load of hot, pearly jizz across my face, splattering over me in a pattern reminiscent of the stars in our tiny, insignificant galaxy as it drifts farther and father apart. I stick out my tongue and catch as much of it as I can, swallow hungrily, and then finish with a smile as my dread’s final ejection comes tumbling down.

  “That was amazing,” I tell him, my face completely covered in warm spunk. “I feel like I’ve finally come to terms with you.”

  “That’s good to hear,” my oppressive dread tells me, “but unfortunately this is where our story ends.”

  “I know,” I tell him with a smile. “I know.” I climb up out of the water and wrap my arms tightly around the muscular sentient emotion, pulling him close.

  “I’m sorry that it has to be like this,” my dread tells me.

  “At least we’ll end together,” I inform him, “and besides, if I’ve learned anything from the last Chuck Tingle book I read, we’ll probably be back soon enough as other people.”

  “Or things,” the living emotion interjects.

  “Or dinosaurs,” I offer.

  “That sounds really nice,” my dread tells me, no longer quite as dreadful as I once thought.

  “Are you ready?” I ask him.

  My sentient emotion nods.

  I come to terms with my existence and the story ends, for now.

  Also by Chuck Tingle…

  Dinosaur Tinglers

  My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass

  Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner

  Gaygent Brontosaurus: The Butt Is Not Enough

  Professor T-Rex Teaches Me Gayness

  Lonely Author Pounded By Dinosaur Social Media Followers

  President Domald Loch Ness Tromp Pounds America’s Butt

  Pharma Bro Pounded In The Butt By T-Rex Comedian Bill Murky And A Clan Of Triceratops Rappers Trying To Get Their Album Back

  Dinosaur Magicians Pinn And Tucker Make Their Weiners Disappear In My Butt

  Schrodinger’s Butt

  Space Raptor Butt Invasion

  Space Raptor Butt Redemption

  Space Raptor Butt Ascension

  Space Raptor Butt Trilogy

  Stranger Pounds

  Chef Woolly Mammoth Eats My Butt

  Domald Tromp Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Russian T-Rex Who Also Peed On His Butt And Then Blackmailed Him With The Video Of His Butt Getting Peed On

  Slammed In The Butt By The Prehistoric Megalodon Shark Amid Accusations Of Jumping Over Him

  Butt Butt Land: Ryan Goslins And The City Of Butts

  Open Wide For The Handsome Sabertooth Dentist Who Is Also A Ghost

  England’s Ass Is Haunted By A Hung Parliament

  T-Rex Anal Workout

  Game Of Butts: The Pounds Of Winter

  Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 1

  Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 2

  Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 3

  Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 4

  Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 5

  Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 6

  Unicorn Tinglers

  Taken By The Gay Unicorn Biker

  My Ass Is Haunted By The Gay Unicorn Colonel

  Pounded By The Gay Unicorn Football Squad

  Unicorn Butt Cops: Beach Patrol

  Anally Yours, The Unicorn Sailor

  Top Horn: Turned Gay By The Unicorn Pilots

  Hunter Dentist Pounded In The Butt By Cecil The Handsome Unicorn

  Butt Wars: Rogue Buns

  Fake News, Real Boners

  Heavy Metal Unicorn Lawyer Sings Into My Butthole Legally

  Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 1

  Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 2

  Chuck’s Unicorn Tinglers: Volume 3

  Bigfoot Tinglers

  Pounded By President Bigfoot

  Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting

  Seduced By Doctor Bigfoot: Attorney At Large

  Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls

  The Curse Of Bigfoot Butt Camp

  Bigfoot Settler’s Claim My Butthole

  Dan Bigfootzerian Parties In My Butthole With His Billionaire Lifestyle

  Eight Bigfoot Buckaroos Hate My Butt And Pound It

  Pokebutt Go: Pounded By ‘Em All

  The Butt Files: The Case Of Bigfoot’s Weiner

  Buttnite Buttle Royale

  Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 1

  Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 2

  Chuck’s Bigfoot Tinglers: Volume 3

  Living Object Tinglers

  I’m Gay For My Living Billionaire Jet Plane

  Trained By The Living Biker Train

  Pounded By The Gay Color Changing Dress

  Turned Gay By The Living Alpha Diner

  Glazed By The Gay Living Donuts

  Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt

  Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt”

  Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt’”

  Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt”’”

  Buttception: A Butt Within A Butt Within A Butt

  Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt

  Shared By The Chocolate Milk Cowboys

  Reamed By My Reaction To The Title Of This Book

  Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn

  Slammed Up The Butt By My Hot Coffee Boss

  The State Of California Stalks My Butthole

  Pounded In The Butt By My Leaked Mashly Addison Data

  Happy Birthday Frankenstein, Now Pound My Butt

  Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups

  Monday Pounds Me In The Butt

  Creamed In The Butt By My Handsome Living Corn

  Slammed In The Butthole By My Concept Of Linear Time

  Pounded By My Handsome Ghost Boats

  Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union

  Slammed By The Substantial Amount Of Press Generated By My Book “Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union”

  Slammed In The Butt By Domald Tromp’s Attempt To Avoid Accusations Of Plagiarism By Removing All Facts Of Concrete Plans From His Republican National Convention Speech

  First Buckaroo Bill Pounded By The Handsome Living White House

  Pounded In The Butt By My Hugo Award Loss

  Kissed On The Weiner By My Own Weiner

  Slammed In The Butt By My Smartphone’s Missing Headphone Jack

  Brangelina Splits Apart And Then Pounds Their Own Butt

  Pounded In The Butt By My Constantly Changing Thoughts On The Ongoing Mystery Of Chuck Tingle’s Real Identity

  Slammed In The Butt By The Handsome Sentient Manifestation Of Election Day

  Hard For Hardwick: Pounded In The Butt By The Physical Manifestation Of My Own Handsome Late Night Comedy Show

  Pounded In The Butt By The Sentient Physical Manifestation Of The Year 2016

  Redacted In The Butt By Redacted Under The Tromp Administration

  Pounded By The Sentient Manifestation Of My Incorrectly Announced Best Picture Winner

  Domald Tromp Pounded In The Butt By His Fabricated Wiretapping Scandal Made Up To Redirect Focus Away From His Seemingly Endless Unethical Connections To Russia

  The Handsome Pretendo Swap Joysicks And Portable Screen Slam My Butt While Also Allowing Me To Control My Game

  Pounded In The Butt By The Sentient Manifestation Of My Own Ignorant Climate Change Denial

  Pounded In The Butt By My Second Hugo Awar
d Nomination

  Domald Tromp’s Ass Is Haunted By The Handsome Ghost Of His Incriminating Tax Returns

  Pounded In The Wallet And The Butt By The Failed Fyber Music Festival

  I’m In Love With The Handsome Mummy Racecar In My Butt

  Living Corn James Corny Fired In The Butt

  Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt”’”’”

  Slammed By My Handsome Fidget Spinner

  Pounded In The Butt By Covfefe

  There’s A Bitcoin In My Butt And He Is Handsome

  Domald Tromp Jr. Slammed In The Butt By His Secret Russian Meetings And The Grossly Incompetent Cover Up Shortly Thereafter

  Pounded In The Butt By The Fact That It Took Less Time For This Book To Be Written And Published Than The Entire Length Of Tony Scarymoochy’s Term As White House Communications Director

  My Butt Is Comforted By The Realization That I’m Okay And Everything Will Be Alright

  Billionaire Elons Mugg Takes The Handsome Planet Mars In His Butt

  The Handsome Physical Manifestation Of Autumn Turns Me Gay

  Pounded By The Handsome Zombie Elevator Who Is Also A Lawyer

  Sentient Fort Pauls Manofort Is Charged In The Butt While Tromp’s Foreign Policy Advisor Georgie Papadop Admits He Lied About Hiding Inside

  Pounded In The Butt By The Handsome Physical Manifestation Of Holiday Shopping

  Sentient Phantom Tow Truck Pounds My Butt

  Slammed In The Butt By My Handsome Laundry Detergent Pod

  Taken Hotly By My Handsome Physically Manifested Hot Take

  Pounded In The Butt By The Sentient Physical Manifestation Of Valentine’s Day

  My Handsome Mountain Bike Is A Doctor And He Pounds My Butt

  Rammed In The Butt By The Handsome Sentient Manifestation Of Traffic Who Is A Bad Boy

  Pounded In The Butt By My Podcast “Night Vale Presents Pounded In The Butt By My Podcast With Chuck Tingle”

  News Commentator Sam Hannity Pounded In The Butt By The Fact That He Didn’t Disclose He Has The Same Lawyer As The President