by M J Marstens
“Tae ossi ickum leevum,” is his parting remark as the darkness swallows me whole.
I love you in the language of the gods. . .
I said it before and I will say it now:
No good ever came of those words.
R
MERCURY
Tossing Zahra into that hole was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I wanted her to stay, for us to work this out together, but I know time is limited. We need to get to the others before Lina gets to us. I only hope I have enough power from our sexual interlude with Venus to energize Sunny until the other guys can get here to help me.
Hopefully, Zahra will forgive me.
I watch the portal as it sews itself shut and winks out of existence. I run a tired hand over one of my horns, thinking. Sunny had whispered that he loved Zahra in Zodian. It wasn’t until I heard those words that I realized I felt the same way.
Shit like that hits you harder than a sledgehammer to the gut.
I turn back to Sunny and freeze. Before my eyes, his body starts to disintegrate in wispy swirls of particles. I lunge for him, but my hands grasp ineffectively at the whirling air.
“Shit, Sunny, hold on!”
I push every ounce of my power that I can at him, but there is nothing to catch it, nothing to harness it, and I watch in helpless anguish as my oldest and best friend vanishes. I collect myself enough to chase after his essence, which is drifting towards the water.
Now weakened, I do not have the power to manifest a containing jar. Instead, I deeply inhale, breathing Sunny’s spirit inside of me. To do so ensures that his essence is not lost and he can be brought back.
It’s the ultimate act of love.
And surely I do love Sunny, my first brother.
Because to release his essence once more to recreate him, I must give up mine.
No one cheats the Universe.
CHAPTER 23
ZAHRA
That motherfucking dickbox pushed me!
Mio fucking pushed me!
HOW FUCKING DARE HE?!
Sorry if I’m offending you Trust Tree friends with my overdose of F words. I get all fuckity when severely pissed.
I just can’t believe Mio did that! And especially when Nyam needed me. . . I hate it when people make decisions for me.
Stupid god-men.
The black hole I’m currently traversing suddenly opens up and spits me into a brightly lit world. I go sailing down and smack right into the rocky, barren world.
Sonofabitch!
That’s definitely leaving a mark.
I look up, but the portal has already disappeared. . . I spend the next fifteen minutes of my time trying to reopen it. . . to no avail.
Finally, I wake up and remember. Oh, shit; I’m in a new dimension and each one has been an even bigger hell. I probably should pay attention to my surroundings.
But the sixth dimension seems. . . empty. It’s an arid place with jutting rock formations and lots of wind. Not too hot, not too cold. . . Whose realm is this again? Fuck, I can barely think let alone do some kind of mathematical formula to figure this shit out.
Ok, Nyam is the twelfth, Mio is the eleventh, Petty Cuntcushion is the tenth, Caed is the ninth, Kane is the eighth, Khal is the seventh, so Uran is the sixth. . . which makes sense. Uranus is an air sign and the pastel blue of the sky and beige of the rocks seems to embody the spirit of ether.
What was Uran’s realm called? I don’t remember. Is it important? Would it tell me if anything is going to eat me here? I mean, given the last two dimensions, I should just assume something will try to eat me, right?
Shrugging, I start walking about. I need to find Caed. . .
How in the holy eff am I going to do that?
Can he feel my magic?
Can I feel his?
Is this planet the size of my hometown or bigger than the sun? Goddammit! Nyam and Mio never gave me any rules, any fucking direction! Do I go left? Right? Up? Down? A combination of all those prepositions?!
I can feel the crazy inside of me getting ready to explode, when I hear the flapping of wings. . . oh fuck, shit on this planet can fly! I run for cover. . . but there is nowhere to hide. I’m pretty much a standing offering on a runway tarmac.
I look up, ready to battle with my pink fists of fury, but the sun blocks whatever is descending from the sky. I shield my eyes and look down. . .
And spot the shadow. . .
Something big, that’s what’s coming. . .
In the shape of a. . .
Oh fuck me, not another centaur!
But centaurs don’t fly. . . pegasuses do!
I look back up, excited at the concept of meeting a real flying horse, but then remember how every other creature I had high hopes for ended up being something that wanted to have me for a snack. . . and then shit me out.
Damn, guess I’m going to have to pass on the Pegasus. But ol’ Peggy has already landed and is staring right at me. I freeze, maybe it’s like Jurassic Park’s T-Rex: if I don’t move, it will never see me. . .
Peggy walks over and head-butts me in the chest, so I land on my rosy ass.
Damn you Steven Spielberg.
T-Rex not sensing you because of lack of movement was a stupid concept!
And it fucked me in the ass.
FIGURATIVELY, Universe!
The last thing I need right now is to be drilled by an abstract concept in my already stretched butthole because the Universe and my powers didn’t understand sarcasm.
I stand back up and rub my butt cheek. I can’t tell if it’s red, but it hurts like a biotch. I glare at the violent Pegasus, who just stares back at me with vacant eyes.
Was it pretending to be stupid?
Or was it really dumb?
Well, two could play at that game. . .
Wait, sorry. I don’t know where the fuck I was going with that. I’m not going to get into any minds games with a winged horse. I have shit to do.
“Hey,” I say to Peggy, an idea suddenly taking hold, “Can you take me to my godly friend?”
I remember Nyam saying that the creatures of every realm were drawn to us because of our powers. So, theoretically, Peggy came down because my energy enticed it to take a closer look. And I could theoretically then use it to find Caed.
Damn, I really was Venus the Genius.
Ok, now to implement this plan.
“Peg, Earth to- er, Uranus to Peg! Do you read me? Can you take me to my friend?”
I tried to make eye contact for a visual sign of understanding, but Peg the Fucktard Asus head-butted me again. This time, I came up swinging and clocked the thing right upside its skull.
It went down like a bag of rocks.
Oh god! I look around to make sure no one witnessed me abusing an animal. Thank god the sixth dimension does not have PETA or I would be having my ass handed to me right now. Peggy looks ok, though. . . just like it doesn’t know what hit him. . . good, maybe it will forget it was me.
I inch towards it slowly and when it has its head down, I ease up on his back, executing what has to be my dumbest idea ever. And that is saying something. But whatever, it’s not like you Trust Tree pals are giving me any ideas. You just keep watching me get knocked on my sassafras (my new swear word for ass).
So now you can watch me ride a Pegasus like a BA Mofo. . .
And probably fall hundreds of feet through the air. . .
Fuck, I’m going to die.
I go to jump off the damn thing, but Peggy abruptly heaves itself upright and in one, powerful, downward sweep of its wings, we are airborne. I fling my arms around its neck and cling for dear life. I don’t know how I survived being spat from the depths of a black hole, but I’m not taking any more chances in this realm.
I just need ol’ Peg to take me to Caed and then it can fly along with its other Pegasus friends off into the sunset. Good. . . this is a decent plan after all. . . just hold on and don’t look down. We fly for ages and I really do fear this planet is a massive s
tretch of land. . . hopefully, Peggy is taking me to Caed, not further away, or meeting up with the War god might not be in the cards. . .
Fuck if I’m walking hundreds of miles back across this barren wasteland. . .
We fly for another hour (maybe? You guys know I’m bad with the concept of time). Finally, Peg starts to lower to the ground. Thank goodness, because I have to pee and I have a feeling I’m going to waddle a bit from this. . .
Our landing is not a five-star event. Maybe ol’ Peggy isn’t used to weight on her back, or maybe it’s a drunkard. Whatever the reason, we stumble a bit before it gets its footing. Then Peg the Fucktard Asus does a full body shrug and chucks me off its back. I go soaring and land about six feet in front of it.
Walt Disney should be glad he’s dead, or else I would be giving him a whole new list of character analyses. . .
I stand up and dust myself off. Aside from my already bruised back side, I think I’m okay. Peg trots up to me and cants its head to the side. Maybe it’s waiting for a ‘thank you’. . .
“Tha-” I attempt, but Peggy cuts me off when it slams its head into my chest for the third time.
And I land of my ass- again.
Then the winged asshole takes a running leap into the air and flies away.
I look around, expecting to see Caed. . .
Instead, I see nothing.
Peg the Fucktard Asus left me in the middle of nowhere.
CHAPTER 24
ZAHRA
While walking aimlessly. . . in the middle of fucking nowhere. . . I make the decision to burn all my Disney VHS tapes when I get back home.
Yes, I still have my childhood favorites on tape.
Yes, they still make VHS players.
And yes, the quality sucks.
But not nearly as much as realizing all my favorite Disney characters are murderous and dickish fuckwads in real life.
**Sigh**
Adulting is hard.
I wander about meanderingly, but then realize I feel a tiny spark of something inside me. A pulse of recognition that I have unknowingly been following. Well, fuck me running, Peggy might have actually done me a favor. I still hated it.
Soon, the pull inside my chest brings me to a grouping of worn rock formations. It’s getting stronger and I know Caed is close. I weave in and out of the stony structures until I collide with something solid.
Someone, actually.
Queen Coo Coo, as it were, the petty cuntcushion who has made my life hell.
Peg better fucking pray we never meet again because I would make magical glue out of its betraying ass.
I quickly take two steps back from the pale woman with lightly glowing skin.
“Oh, hey. . . funny, ah, running into you here. I’ll just get out of your way and be going. K, bye!” I say the last part while running in the opposite direction.
I look behind me, but the woman has not budged an inch. . . in fact, she looks kind of sick. . . her left hand is clutching at her chest and she is gasping in air like an open-mouthed fish on land. Hesitantly, and stupidly, I backtrack a smidge, but still keep my distance.
“Hey Quee- I mean, Moon, shit. I’m not supposed to use your name. Lina. I meant Lina. Hey Lina! You okay, girlfriend?”
I’m nervous (because this woman has attempted murder. . . on me. . . ), so I’m babbling. But the really smart part of me, that we all question whether I really have or not, is cool as a cucumber. That part says I’m too stupid to live and has taken a seat to watch the show. That part of my brain and Khal must be good friends.
“He. . . he. . . he m-m-m-ade you a luminary,” she stammers.
“Uhhhhhh. . .” I garble out in response.
She bows her head as if in great pain, but when she raises it, her face is a mask of pure rage.
Oh crap. . . I should have run for the hills when I had the chance. The smart part of my brain has now made popcorn because this shit’s about to get real. . .
“HE MADE YOU A FUCKING LUMINARY?!” She roars at me.
I find myself nodding my head in agreement at her outburst, “I know, right?! That’s what I said!”
See, Queen Coo Coo gets it.
“Listen,” I begin. “I think this has just been one big misunderstanding. And we can probably solve everything by just talking or even yelling about it. What do you say?”
“I don’t make compromises, you pink-tinted harlot!”
“Oh my god!” I suddenly screech. “I know who you are!”
Lina looks. . . deeply confused.
“I know who you are in human form,” I clarify.
She only arches a brow in challenge.
“You’re from The Office,” I reply smugly.
And damn if she doesn’t look a little impressed.
“Hmm, good job. Even the boys have not figured it out. . . what tipped me off?”
Lina doesn’t seem overly bothered I know her human identity, but I guess it’s moot anyway.
I shrug, before saying, “Eh, you are pretty much the embodiment of Angela. I mean, you don’t look anything like her. . . well, I take that back, you both are super pale, but you sound just like her.”
“Angela? Who the fuck is Angela, you stupid-”
“Pussyfalafel,” I insert helpfully.
“WHAT?!”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to be rude and cut you off like that, but it sounded like you needed a creative swear word. I mean, if you are going to cuss me out, I prefer to be called something more than just a bitch, ya know? I’m sorry. You were saying? Something about Angela. . .”
“There is no fucking Angela!”
“Uh. . . yeah there is. . . it’s you.”
Lina’s back to looking confused. I personally find this an accomplishment.
Mainly because I have sidetracked her so much that I’m still alive. . . I should probably be using this time to think of a plan. . .
“I have worked at the office for over fifteen years and there has never been an Angela!”
Alright, time to level with each other, Trust Tree sisters. . . is there even a crazy quotient we can give this lady? She says she’s from The Office. . . but she’s not Angela (laughable, right?). . . because there never has been an Angela. . .
“It’s been in syndication for fifteen years? Impressive. And don’t play dumb. I don’t know your “real name”, just your screen name. Oh, oh! I know Pam’s real name. . . Jenna Fischer, I think. . . and Dwight’s is Rainn, right. . . oh, and Michael is Steve Carell. But I don’t know your Not Office name, sorry. . . it’s not like you were a memorable, “main” character. . . you were just the office bitch, I guess.”
Her face blanks at that last part. . .
Uh oh. . . damn my nonexistent filter!
This is worse than the time I called her hoary. . .
Ok, time for damage control.
“I didn’t mean to imply you were not memorable or a very important part of the cast. . . and as for being the office bitch. . . I mean, that’s how your character was written, right? You must be an amazing actress to keep up that façade in everyday life. Congrats.”
Somewhere during my spiel, Queen Coo Coo’s eyes started twitching. . .
Both of them.
“Alright, ah. . . good talk. I’m just going to mosey along and leave you to. . . it. Yep. Leave you to it. Toodles.”
This time when I run, I don’t look back.
CHAPTER 25
ZAHRA
The first thing to cross my mind is I’m out of shape.
And then:
How the hell can a goddess be out of shape?!
I chance a look behind me and immediately regret that decision. Lina is hot on my heels and hot damn, that petty cuntcushion can move. Well, nothing motivates you like being chased by the Mistress of Death.
Go, go, Gadget-legs!
With this thought, I feel my legs actually stretch and I take a bounding leap into the air. . . And I never come back down.
You read that right
.
I.
Am.
Flying.
I’m flying!
I look back down and see I’m about thirty feet in the air and Queen Coo Coo is just watching me, a nefarious smirk gracing her lips. Super unreassuring. . . I feel myself floundering at the look and start plummeting back towards the ground.
Oh shit. Oh shit.
I doggy-paddle around, but quickly change my tactics to flapping like a newly hatched baby bird. Makes more sense, right?
Well, neither helps.
I fall with a dusty plop onto the earth and Bitchhole (bitch and asshole combined. . . what do you think?) just laughs. She saunters over to my sprawled, pink form. . . Did I mention I have been naked this entire time? Or did you just assume this? I’m not even going to take offense.
She leans over me and whispers in my ear, “It’s an insult to my talents to kill someone as pathetic as you.” A pause. “But I will enjoy doing it anyway.”
Utter fear and searing indignation course through my veins.
Surprisingly (or maybe unsurprisingly, in my case), indignation wins.
I scoop up a handful of the powdery earth and toss it into Bitchhole’s face. Clearly, she was not expecting this and clearly, she underestimates my penchant to keep on living. This time when I vault into the air, I just let it happen.
Lina had the upper hand because she knew my weakness: self-doubt. She waited for me to second guess myself and basically used my insecurities against me. Fucked up and smart. But I bet the lunar goddess has some vulnerabilities of her own. . . the question is: how foolish is it to taunt her with them?
When Lina finally clears her eyes of the debris, she looks around wildly for me. I whistle, alerting her to my position some seventy feet in the air. This time I wear the superior smirk.
“Oops. Sorry about that. My hands slipped. It’s hard to see with all this bright light. . . you know. . . since Nyam made me a luminary. . . because he loves me and all that.”
Lina doesn’t even blink and her flat look does nothing to hint at her next intentions: she manifests an assault rifle. And shoots me.
I don’t even have time to flinch. . . somehow (thank you subconscious! You are on your survival a-game today!) I create a protective, bullet-proof bubble around myself. Lina throws down the weapon, which vanishes into thin air when it hits the ground, and springs up to fly towards me.