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~New from MorbidbookS: Where Everything Bleeds is an instant collector's specimen and a certain stunner. ~ Be the first freak on your block to acquire this singular and unexpurgated exquisite culling of The Grim Reverend Steven Rage's favorite 'meds'. Enjoy this one-of-a-kind vivid look into the twisted mind of The Most Depraved Writer In Print as he captains you through the intoxicating stain of his wicked imagination. Included are numerous Photos, Paintings and Illustrations embellished with dramatic grayscale that enhance these iniquitous and magnificent Dark Fantasy fables…
ENDNOTES:
* * *
[i] Lyrics for “Peeranoia,” written by Chris Palko. The song appears on Cage’s album Hell’s Winter, copyright of Definitive Jux, 2005.
[ii] 5-MeO-DMT, a powerful but short-acting psychedelic, most commonly freebased
[iii] A rare psychedelic substance, usually ingested orally as a powder with effects lasting up to 14+ hours
[iv] Gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB), a depressant with effects similar to alcohol
[v] Salvia divinorum, the most powerful psychedelic found in nature (as opposed to manufactured in a laboratory)
[vi] Coricidin Cold and Cough, an over-the-counter cough medicine containing the dissociative dextromethorphan
[vii] Benzodiazepines, a category of prescription drugs used to treat anxiety disorders
[viii] Klonopin, a benzodiazepine similar to Xanax or Valium
[ix] Xanax
[x] Oxycontin
[xi] In terms of psychological equilibrium, it may be of some interested that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in June of 2004. Several months after the diagnosis, I stopped taking my prescription medications and replaced them with my own form of “therapeutic” medicines.
[xii] Downtown refers to either Northampton, MA or Brattleboro, Vermont, depending on whether or not it was the summer or the winter of that year, respectively.
[xiii] i.e. Ritalin, Adderall, Dexedrine, Concerta, etc.
[xiv] Unless otherwise specified, any reference to “college” or “campus” refers to Potash College in southern Vermont.
[xv] Maybe it was Arizona.
[xvi] Most importantly, however, the Legend of Blake Madison taught me to become my own legend, for despite the inability to trust this narrator completely; all events of my life still remain within the realm of realistic possibilities.
[xvii] Lyrics from “Believe the Lie,” written by Brendan H. Bayliss, Jacob Allen Cinninger, Joel N. Cummins, Andrew Farag, Kristopher Allen Myers, and Ryan Stasik of Umphrey’s McGee. The song appears on their album Safety in Numbers, copyright of SCI Fidelity Records, 2006.
[xviii] Name has not been changed.
[xix] Tax free alcohol in New Hampshire is already cheaper than most other states, but one particular liquor store right over the line from Brattleboro has amazing sales, often times selling quality 12-packs for half price or less.
[xx] Lyrics from “Coma White,” written by Brian Hugh Warner of Marilyn Manson. The song appears on their album Mechanical Animals, copyright of Nothing Records/Interscope Records, 1998.
[xxi] I met Bailey during my sophomore year at college and fell in love with the fact that her uncle was a chemist who specialized in synthesizing psychedelic drugs. Later, I would fall in love with her for the amazing person that she is, not just for her convenient drug connections.
[xxii] Jay is definitely one of the most forgiving people that I’ve ever met, and that alone speaks highly of his character.
[xxiii] Lyrics from “The Nurse Who Loved Me,” written by Greg Edwards and Ken Andrews of Failure. The song appears on their album Fantastic Planet, copyright of Slash Records/Warner Bros., 1996.
[xxiv] I honestly believed that the government had tapped my phone lines and that the mafia had ordered a hit on me, delusions that led my friends to justifiably question my level of sanity. The restlessness of my unfocused energies coupled with the steady indulgence of amphetamines and psychedelics always generated such universes of paranoia.
[xxv] Although I believe in the abstract concept of addiction, I hesitate to use this term, for I do not believe in modern disease theory. Drug addiction seems more like a psychological disorder than a disease, an Obsessive Compulsion Disorder of sorts, only with repeated chemical ingestion instead of multiple hand washings, but in the end any form of addiction simplifies to the individual’s freewill and conscious choice.
[xxvi] A cherished gift from Jay Fires
[xxvii] In this particular instance, I was actually using my own credit card account. I left the card itself, however, inside the glove box of my Camry with the unsuccessful intention of not racking up my bill any further. Despite the physical absence of the piece of plastic, the hotel willingly charged one night’s stay to the account, a 16-digit number which I recited to the front desk clerk from memory.
[xxviii] Although money did not grow on trees, I found that it did litter the highways of cyber space.
[xxix] I never embezzled from completely strangers, for they are more likely to press charges.
[xxx] It should be noted that in this scenario, only I have dropped a few hits of ‘cid. My friend has abstained, and, in fact, is completely unaware of my current chemical forays.
[xxxi] He wasn’t so much my lawyer as he was a knowledgeable source of information concerning the intricacies of drug convictions. In exchange for a willingness to participate his non-profit organizations fight against the United States’ War on Drugs, specifically their fight to abolish the Higher Education Act’s 1998 Drug Provision, he offered me some legal advice regarding my own pending situation.
[xxxii] Lyrics from “I’d Still be There,” written by Johnny Cash. The song appears on his album Understand Your Man, copyright of Harmony Records, 1972.
[xxxiii] Greg, my ex-boyfriend from two years earlier, a trustafarian with aspirations to become a professional DJ.
[xxxiv] Greg’s current girlfriend, who one would swear is a lesbian; after dropping out of college a year earlier, she seems to lack the ambition to do much of anything with her life, including but not limited to getting a job.
[xxxv] Their lesbian roommate, who has a Bachelor’s in Psychology and keeps the peace by mediating all interactions inside the apartment.
[xxxvi] My preferred downtown bar in all of Northampton
[xxxvii] In reality Greg’s trust fund acts as the sole source of their happiness.
[xxxviii] Unfortunately, although more details may mean more realism, they also equate to more effort on the part of the liar, who must then remember all details in order to ensure the consistency of past, present, and future lies.
[xxxix] A prescription drug used to remedy the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Although the chemical mimics the desired response within the central nervous system like that of similar ADHD treatments, unlike the other medications, Concerta is non-amphetamine based, but it still manages to get the job done.
[xl] After forging Greg’s signature, I cash the check using Rosie’s account at Bank of America. The teller never bothers to ask for an I.D. and addresses me as Rosemary several times during the transaction before handing me the cash and wishing me a nice day.
[xli] To this day, I’m convinced that Rosie is a lesbian using Greg for his money, and once that trust fund vanishes, so, too, will she. I hope that I’m proven wrong.
[xlii] Although during my brief stay in Northampton Greg and Rosie did proposition me several times, to which I always declined, this scenario is obviously not the main cause for my departure from Apartment 6.
[xliii] Long ago I realized that the cleansing nature of tears often washed away any suspicions that I might be lying, for such a display of raw emotion implied that my words contained an element of truth.
[xliv] After living in Northampton for several months, I could not fathom the idea of returning home; I was too strung out to face my mother anyway.
[xlv] Lyrics from “Lovelife,” written by Sean Daley of Atmosphe
re. The song appears on their album God Loves Ugly, copyright of Rhymesayers Entertainment/Fat Beats Records, 2002.
[xlvi] Of which, only 200 live on campus.
[xlvii] For the past three years, it’s been a Halloween tradition of mine to indulge in an eight ball of cocaine.
[xlviii] An anti-psychotic that I had been legally prescribed at one point in my life to treat the symptoms of bipolar disorder.
[xlix] A former classmate working towards a Bachelor’s in Sociology
[l] An endearing nickname for Bellows Falls, Vermont
[li] He always purchased weed in bulk; I wanted to purchase some of that bulk and disperse it to others for an inflated fee.
[lii] I always refer to unmarked sheets of blotter paper as bathtub ‘cid because, honestly, who knows where it comes from, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was brewed in someone’s bathtub.
[liii] With all the alcohol gone, my time to depart had clearly arrived, for it became necessary at such a point to, yet again, replenish my supplies.
[liv] There is no way to describe the social scene at Potash College other than awkward. In addition to the fact that the students pride themselves on their extreme individuality, the small size of the community leads to everyone knowing everyone else’s business. Some call it “unique” and “intimate;” I find “egocentric” and “melodramatic” to be more apropos.
[lv] i.e. I didn’t have a concrete topic for my senior thesis.
[lvi] With approximately 200 on-campus students living in the isolated hills of southern Vermont, it’s suffice to say that most of us went a little stir-crazy, but, given our limited resources, we did manage to create an amazingly diverse party scene, a characteristic that surely added to the insanity factor.
[lvii] By this point my emotional distress handicaps me from formulating coherent thoughts and, consequently, a plausible lie, so I opt instead to tell the truth in as little detail as possible.
[lviii] If an officer blatantly says, “I’m going to conduct a weapons search,” and discovers something suspicious that is not a weapon, under the 4th Amendment one has the legal right not to show him that object. Furthermore, by refusing to do so, one blocks the law enforcement officer from gathering enough information to conduct a more general search of, say, the vehicle itself. See Minnesota v. Dickerson, 508 U.S. 366 (1993).
[lix] The report will include the fact that I was polite, cooperative, and, in a category marked “other,” upset.
[lx] One for the glass pipe, another for a piece of purple straw caked with powdery residue.
[lxi] Fortunately, the trooper did not also charge me with intent to distribute, considering the division of the marijuana into two separate baggies.
[lxii] Adderall, Seroquel, and Codeine
[lxiii] After blowing a 0.118% blood-alcohol content, this charge was unavoidable.
[lxiv] Apparently enough beer remained at the bottom of the last bottle to constitute this charge.
[lxv] Sedative used to treat insomnia
[lxvi] Lyrics from “Spaceboy,” written by Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins. The song appears on their album Siamese Dream, copyright of Virgin Records, 1993.
[lxvii] Although the trooper wrote down the correct license number, he failed to write down the correct state from which it was issued.
[lxviii] Not that it mattered. Vermont is one of three states that will not release criminal records to other states without a warrant, so even if the charges had stuck, in 49 states I could still legally say that I’ve never been arrested.
[lxix] Similar in concept to the fortune cookie, Magic Hat bottles contain a brief phrase written underneath the cap.
[lxx] I knew Allen Holmes from Potash College, and although we’d occasionally smoke weed together, I did not hang out with him regularly until he became close friends with Jay Fires in the fall of 2003.
[lxxi] One of many drug dealers from my high school years who sold out of Hartford, Connecticut.
[lxxii] Actually, I’m just supposed to be taking care of his fish, but with the house key in my possession, I take full advantage of the empty apartment.
[lxxiii] Lyrics from “No Regrets,” written by Aesop Rock. The song appears on his album Labor Days, copyright of Definitive Jux, 2001.
[lxxiv] We were not friends, but also not mere acquaintances; it was more like a business arrangement of sorts. With her body and my mind, we had perfected the art of separating a man from his money.
[lxxv] Normally, I’d refuse to drink such alcohol-infused piss-water, but with a wallet vacant of cash and a maxed out credit card, I accept the charitable gesture.
[lxxvi] Lyrics from “This is Not Hell,” written by Jimi Davies of Jimmie’s Chicken Shack. The song appears on their album Pushing the Salmanilla Envelope, copyright of Rocket Records, 1997.
[lxxvii] Lyrics from “Runaways,” written by Paul “Sage” Francis. The song appears on his album “Personal Journals,” copyright of anticon., 2002.
[lxxviii] Let’s make something perfectly clear. Not returning home during this period of my life was a decision solely placed upon my shoulders. My mother, ever the saint, would’ve welcomed me back into her home with loving arms at any given point.
[lxxix] Lyrics for “Burnout” are written by Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day and appear on the album Dookie, copyright of Reprise Records, 1994.
[lxxx] The town’s people now work a wide range of professions, as opposed to strictly farming, from local gas station attendants to C.E.O.’s in fancy offices in Hartford, creating a wide range of annual salaries with the per capita income averaging around $22,000.
[lxxxi] The town only inhabits a 32-square mile radius.
[lxxxii] I use the word “justified” because I truly believe that through the utilization of hallucinogens, the subsequent journey into the mind reveals secrets of the self and the soul that would otherwise remain permanently hidden in the realms of the subconscious.
[lxxxiii] Lyrics for “Having a Blast” are also written by Billie Joe Armstrong, copyright of Reprise Records, 1994.
[lxxxiv] Lyrics for “Chump,” written by Billie Joe Armstrong, copyright of Reprise Records, 1994.
[lxxxv] One would think that after living in New England for my entire life, I’d know how to drive in wintry conditions, and, to some extent, I do, but caught within the panic of the moment, I fell victim to doing exactly everything that one’s not supposed to do in such an instance.
[lxxxvi] It’s a minor technicality that one cannot be arrested for a D.U.I. if the vehicle is turned off with the key removed from the ignition, for, given such a scenario, one has eliminated any hard proof for the cops that he/she was actually driving the vehicle in the first place.
[lxxxvii] Unfortunately, the sergeant only instructed me to take nine steps. The inability to follow directions is just one piece of damning evidence that law enforcement professionals concider to determine a suspect’s level of sobriety.
[lxxxviii] More commonly known as “The Funeral March”
[lxxxix] It would be the last time during the evening, however, that I’d consent to fully understanding my legal rights.
[xc] Lyrics for “Ocean Breathes Salty,” written by Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse. The song appears on their album Good News for People Who Love Bad News, copyright of Epic Records, 2004.
[xci] In Massachusetts they use O.U.I., meaning “Operating Under the Influence”, in place of D.U.I.
[xcii] A gift from my mother on my fifth Christmas, I was not very creative with the naming of my all-time favorite stuffed animal.
[xciii] Lyrics from “Bottom,” written by Maynard James Keenan of Tool. The song appears on their album Undertow, copyright of Zoo Entertainment, 1993.
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