Halfway There

by Norm Foster

  Janine: And secondly, should a doctor be dating a patient?

  Sean: Again, it’s not a date. It’s just dinner.

  Janine: That’s a date. Dinner is a date.

  Sean: Dinner is a date?

  Janine: Dinner is a date.

  Sean: Oh. All right, let’s forget it.

  Janine: I think we should.

  Sean: I wasn’t hitting on you, by the way. I wasn’t making a pass. I wouldn’t do that with you.

  Janine: Why not? What’s wrong with me?

  Sean: Nothing. I just didn’t want to appear inappropriate. You’re living with a guy. A comfortable guy. And for me to make a pass at you would be very inappropriate. Besides, it’s too soon for me to start dating just yet. So soon after . . . you know?

  Janine: Getting dumped.

  Sean: Thank you.

  Janine: All right, look. Come to Dugan’s tonight and you can buy me a beer.

  Sean: A beer?

  Janine: Yes. To repay me for the salad.

  Sean: Oh. Okay.

  Janine: Good.

  Sean: So a beer’s not a date?

  Janine: A beer’s not a date. A beer is just . . . “Hey, lemme buy you a beer.” That’s all a beer is.

  Sean: Oh. Okay.

  Janine: Good.

  Sean: Even if it’s pre-arranged?

  Janine: What?

  Sean: Well, we’re making plans for me to buy you a beer at Dugan’s. That’s pre-arranged. Isn’t that a date?

  Janine: Oh my God.

  Sean: Well, if we’re planning on meeting somewhere for a beer, that’s a date. That’s what a date is. Making plans to be together somewhere. That’s a date.

  Janine: Okay. Twelve ninety-nine.

  Sean: What?

  Janine: For the salad. Twelve ninety-nine. Let’s have it.

  Sean: You’re making me pay?

  Janine: I’m making you pay.

  Sean: Oh. Okay.

  Sean reaches into his pocket and takes out money.

  Twelve ninety-nine?

  Janine: Twelve ninety-nine.

  Sean: The menu said it was ten ninety-nine.

  Janine: I’m charging you extra for mental cruelty.

  Sean hands her the money.

  Sean: There’s fifteen. Keep the change.

  Janine: Yeah, that was happening anyway.

  Sean gets halfway out the door and stops.

  Sean: So, I’ll see you tonight then?

  Janine: What?

  Sean: For the beer. Are we still on?

  Janine: Uh . . . Yeah. Okay. Fine.

  Sean: And it won’t be a date. I’ll just walk in and act surprised that you’re there and I’ll say, “Hey, lemme buy you a beer.”

  Janine: Get out.

  Sean: Right.

  Sean exits. Janine turns the sign around so now, from the inside, it reads “Open.” Lights down.

  Scene Two

  Time: the following Friday.

  Place: the same.

  Lights up to reveal Mary Ellen, Rita, and Vi. The diner is closed. The sign on the door, from the inside, reads “Open.”

  Rita: So, I was in the parking lot and I was walking towards my car and he walked right up behind me and he said, “Rita”? And I turned around and there he was in all of his priestly glory. Draped in black from head to toe except for the white collar shinin’ out at me like a beacon of purity. And I said, “Yes, Father?” And he says, “Why do you and your friends call me Father What-A-Waste”?

  Vi: He did not!

  Rita: I swear he did.

  Mary Ellen: Oh my God!

  Vi: How did he find that out?

  Rita: He must have overheard us. I don’t know.

  Vi: Sweet beloved. So what did you say?

  Rita: I told him the truth.

  Mary Ellen: Rita, you did not!

  Rita: I did! I says, “Well, Father, you are the handsomest man in Stewiacke by a long shot. I mean, you put the rest of these boys to shame,” I says. “And yet you’ve taken a vow of celibacy. Well, me and the girls think that’s a terrible waste of manpower. Hence the name Father What-A-Waste.”

  Mary Ellen: And what did he say to that?

  Rita: Well, he grinned and he blushed and he said, “Well, that’s a relief. I was worried it was because you thought my sermons were a waste of time.” And I said, “Oh no, I don’t listen to your sermons, Father. I just like to watch your lips move.”

  Vi: Oh, you devil!!

  Rita: I did!

  The women laugh. Janine enters from the kitchen. She carries a birthday cake with a few candles on it. She sings happy birthday. Vi and Rita join in.

  Janine, Vi, & Rita: “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Mary Ellen. Happy birthday to you.”

  Mary Ellen: Oh, you girls.

  Vi: Happy birthday, dear.

  Mary Ellen: Thank you. And here I thought you all might’ve forgotten.

  Janine: Now, when have we ever forgotten a birthday amongst the four of us?

  Mary Ellen: Well, never, but there’s always a first time. Isn’t this just wonderful? Thank you.

  Rita: All right, make a wish and blow out the candles.

  Mary Ellen blows out the candles immediately.

  Mary Ellen, I said make a wish.

  Mary Ellen: I did.

  Rita: That quick? You didn’t even think about it.

  Mary Ellen: I didn’t have to think about it. It’s the same wish I make every year.

  Vi: And what’s that?

  Mary Ellen: That the four of us will be together and be best friends for another whole year.

  Rita: Oh my Jesus, girl. That’s the loveliest thing I ever heard.

  Vi: I think I might cry.

  Janine: Now, why would you wish something like that, Mary Ellen? Of course we’ll be together and be best friends.

  Mary Ellen: Well, I started doing it when you moved back home after being away for those ten years.

  Rita: Yes, that was thoughtless of you, Janine, goin’ away like that.

  Vi: Well, she’s always been the thoughtless one.

  Janine: Hey, I came back, didn’t I?

  Mary Ellen: And ever since then I’ve been making that same wish. And so far it’s come true every year. Now who else can say their birthday wish comes true every year?

  Vi: My God, I love you, Mary Ellen. You are the salt of this earth, I swear.

  Vi hugs Mary Ellen.

  Mary Ellen: I love you too, Vi. Now where are my presents?

  Rita: Presents?

  Janine: Oh, presents. We forgot about that.

  Vi: That’s right. We did. Sorry.

  Mary Ellen: No birthday presents?

  Janine: Nope.

  Mary Ellen: Awww.

  Janine: Not until tonight at Dugan’s.

  Mary Ellen: Dugan’s?

  Rita: We’re throwing a little party for you. Starts at eight o’clock. We figured you might want to go home and have supper with your boys on your birthday. That’s why we’re not starting until eight.

  Mary Ellen: Oh. Well, that was good thinking.

  Vi: So, what did Kyle and the boys get you?

  Mary Ellen: Well, they haven’t given me my presents yet. They’ll probably do that at supper. But they gave me breakfast in bed this morning. Yes, they did. And they put a single red rose in a little vase and put it right there on the tray. It was like being in a fancy hotel.

  Janine: Oh, that is so nice.

  Mary Ellen: It was lovely. I felt like a queen.

  Rita: And you deserve to feel like a queen, Mary Ellen. You’re a saint. You’re much nicer than the three of us are.

  Mary Ellen: I know I am, love. That goes without saying.

  Janine: All right. Come on, let’s have some cake.

  Vi: Just give me three small pieces, Janine. One big piece will put me off my diet.

  Rita: Are you dieting again?

  Vi: For two weeks now.

  Rita: And what have you lost?
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  Vi: At last count, about fourteen days.

  Janine cuts the cake and gives each woman a piece.

  Mary Ellen: So, who’s going to be at my party tonight?

  Janine: Well, you and Kyle. Vi and Johnny. Rita. Rita, have you got a date?

  Rita: Not yet. But I’ve still got three hours.

  Janine: Me. Rachel Coy and her new boyfriend.

  Vi: Rachel’s got a new boyfriend?

  Rita: Tom Sweeney.

  Vi: Tom Sweeney? Isn’t he going out with . . .

  Rita: It’s over.

  Vi: Tom and . . .

  Rita: Done.

  Vi: Don’t tell me those rumours were . . .

  Rita: Every one of them.

  Vi: So, she was . . .

  Rita: Twice a week as it turns out.

  Vi: Over at the . . .

  Rita: Right there in the office. Every Tuesday and Thursday.

  Vi: Well, I’ll be damned.

  Janine: I don’t know Tom. Where’s he from?

  Vi: He’s from Stewiacke.

  Rita: No, he’s from Milford. He says he’s from Stewiacke so he’ll sound sophisticated.

  Mary Ellen: How’s Bradley doing, Janine?

  Janine: He’s fine. He called last night. We talked for about fifteen minutes.

  Rita: Was it phone sex?

  Mary Ellen: Oh, Rita, stop it.

  Rita: What? He’s been away for a couple of weeks now.

  Janine: It wasn’t phone sex.

  Mary Ellen: You see?

  Janine: Phone sex takes a good half-hour. No, we just talked. About nothing really.

  Vi: That’s the sign of a solid relationship. When you talk about nothing.

  Janine: It is?

  Vi: Oh yeah. Me and Johnny talk about nothing all the time. In fact, if we ever talked about something, I’d think that we were drifting apart.

  Mary Ellen: But by talking you get to know each other a little better.

  Vi: We know each other well enough, believe me.

  Rita: Vi’s right. I’ll tell you, nothing kills a relationship faster than intimacy. Two people getting too close to one another.

  Vi: I agree.

  Janine: Really?

  Vi: Oh God, yes. When Johnny and I first moved in together I was in the bathroom one morning brushing my teeth and he strolls right in, walks over to the toilet and starts doing his business.

  Janine: No!

  Vi: He did.

  Mary Ellen: Kyle does that too. I hate that.

  Vi: Me too. So, I says, “What in the hell are you doing?” And he says, “What does it look like?” And I says, “It looks like you’re relieving yourself, but you can’t be because I’m still in here.” Good Lord, I don’t need to see that. And I don’t want him to see me going through my morning ablutions either. We don’t need to see everything, for pity’s sake. And we don’t need to talk about everything. Sometimes people in a relationship just need to shut up.

  Mary Ellen: I disagree. I like talking about something. I like having meaningful conversations once in a while.

  Janine: Do you and Kyle have meaningful conversations?

  Mary Ellen: No. The fact is most of my meaningful conversations happen right here. With you girls.

  Rita: Well, that’s men for you. You can’t talk to them even if you wanted to.

  Vi: Well, they’ve got nothing to say.

  Rita: Bunch of dim-wits.

  Sean appears at the door. He carries a manila envelope. He tries to open the door but it’s locked. He knocks.

  Vi: Oh, it’s the new doctor.

  Rita: So it is. Hi, Sean!!

  Vi: Hi, Sean!!

  Rita: He is handsome, isn’t he?

  Vi: Oh, he’s a doll, Rita.

  Vi waves at Sean.

  Hi!!

  Sean points down at the doorknob.

  Mary Ellen: I think he wants in.

  Rita: Do you think?

  Mary Ellen: Well, he’s pointing at the doorknob.

  Rita: Oh, that’s what he’s pointing at. I thought he was flirting.

  Janine moves to the door and opens it.

  Janine: It’s after five. We’re closed.

  Sean: Oh. I’m sorry.

  Mary Ellen: Invite him in, Janine.

  Vi: Yeah, invite him in.

  Janine: Okay. Come on in. We’re having a little birthday celebration for Mary Ellen.

  Sean: Oh. Happy birthday.

  Mary Ellen: Thank you.

  Sean: (to Janine) No, I was just on my way home and thought I would stop in with the results of your examination.

  Janine: Oh, you didn’t have to do that. Unless I’m dying. Am I dying?

  Sean: No, you’re not.

  Janine: Then sit down and have some cake. Did you hear that, girls? I’m not dying.

  Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen cheer.

  Sean: Listen, I can come back some other time.

  Janine: No, sit. Sit.

  Rita: Yeah, take a load off, Doc. Come on.

  Rita pulls a chair up close to her.

  Sean: Oh, well, thank you. I suppose I can have a small piece of cake.

  Janine cuts a small piece of cake for Sean.

  Vi: How’s everything over at Luanne’s bed and breakfast, Sean? Are you comfortable?

  Sean: Oh very comfortable, yes.

  Vi: Good. Luanne’s a dear heart.

  Sean: She’s very nice.

  Vi: And the flatulence doesn’t bother you?

  Sean: The what?

  Vi: Luanne’s flatulence problem. That doesn’t bother you?

  Rita: Well, of course it doesn’t bother him. He’s not sleeping with her. Or are you?

  Sean: No, I’m not.

  Rita: There. You see? It wouldn’t be a problem at all.

  Vi: Well, he could happen upon a lingering fragrance by accident.

  Rita: Have you done that, Sean?

  Sean: No. It’s been fine.

  Rita: You see? It’s been fine.

  Vi: She is such a dear heart.

  Janine: There you go.

  Janine puts a piece of cake in front of Sean.

  Sean: Thank you.

  (to Mary Ellen) I hope you don’t mind me intruding on your birthday party.

  Mary Ellen: No, not at all. The more the merrier.

  Vi: Besides, the real party isn’t until tonight at Dugan’s. You’re welcome to come to that too if you like.

  Sean: At Dugan’s? Well . . . uh . . . maybe I will. Is everybody going to be there? I’m mean, the four of you?

  Vi: We sure are. Ooh, Rita. Here’s your date.

  Sean: What?

  Vi: You can be Rita’s date.

  Rita: Oh, that’s a good idea.

  Sean: Your date?

  Vi: Yeah. Rita’s got no one to go with tonight.

  Rita: So, what do you say, Sean? You wanna be my date? I can pick you up.

  Sean: I’m living two doors down from the pub.

  Rita: Doesn’t matter. I’ll still pick you up. It’ll be the shortest most memorable car ride you ever had.

  Sean: Uh . . . well . . .

  Mary Ellen: Oh say yes, Sean. Rita won’t bite.

  Rita: Not so fast there, Mary Ellen.

  Vi: It’ll help you put that broken heart behind you.

  Sean: Who said I have a broken heart?

  Janine raises her hand.

  Vi: Yes, we heard all about Lorenzo and about how much happier your fiancée . . . what’s her name?

  Sean: Rebecca.

  Vi: Right. We heard about how much happier Becky is with Lorenzo. Especially with the whole dancing thing.

  Sean: Dancing?

  Vi: Becky loves the way Lorenzo dances. Apparently you’re not much of a dancer. That’s what we heard.

  Sean: I didn’t say that.

  Vi: Well, I heard it from someone.

  Janine raises her hand.

  Oh, there you go. I heard it from Janine.

  Rita: I can teach you how to dance, Sean.
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br />   Mary Ellen: Oh, Rita is a champion dancer. She won a dance contest in Dartmouth last year.

  Vi: Well, she didn’t do it alone, Mary Ellen. There was a pole involved.

  Rita: Vi, cut it out.

  (to Sean) I took ballroom lessons for three years.

  Mary Ellen: She’s the best dancer in the whole town.

  Rita: So, what do you say, Sean? Are you gonna be my date tonight or not?

  Sean: . . . Well . . .

  Rita: Oh come on. Pull that rod out of your ass and be a sport.

  Sean: . . . Okay, sure. I’ll be your date, Rita.

  Rita: Good. I’ll pick you up at eight.

  Sean: I’ll be ready.

  Rita: Oh, and one more thing. There are those who would say that just because I asked you out I’m easy.

  Sean: . . . And?