by Norm Foster
Rita: Nothing. That’s it. I was finished.
Mary Ellen: Well, I’d better get home. I want to see what my men got me for my birthday.
Vi: Yeah, I’d better go too. Johnny and I are going out to dinner before the party.
Janine: Where are you going?
Vi: Dugan’s.
Janine: But that’s where the party is.
Vi: Yep. It’s your one-stop celebration centre.
Janine: Oh, Mary Ellen, your niece Martine was in here for breakfast this morning.
Mary Ellen: Salt and pepper shakers again?
Janine: No, this time it was a juice glass.
Mary Ellen: I’ll tell her to bring it back.
Janine: Thank you.
Rita: Eight o’clock, Sean. And wear something pretty, okay?
Sean: Will do.
Rita: See you tonight, Janine.
Vi: Bye now.
Janine: Bye, girls.
Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen exit.
(to Sean) So, you’ve got a date tonight.
Sean: Looks like.
Janine: Ooh. Sean and Rita sittin’ in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g.
Janine goes about cleaning up after the women, picking up their dishes and putting the cake away.
Sean: So why doesn’t Rita have anyone in her life?
Janine: Oh, she had someone once. She got married young. At nineteen to a guy named Jason. They had a son, Shane, but he died in a snowmobile accident. He and his father went through the ice when Shane was only nine and the boy drowned. The marriage didn’t survive either. They got divorced shortly after. And now? Well, she gets involved with men but only up to a point, and then she backs off. I fully expect Rita will be alone the rest of her life.
Sean: That’s too bad.
Janine: It is too bad. She’s a great woman. Smart, funny, sexy. I’d like to see her find someone to share that with. Hey? Maybe it’ll be you. Maybe you two will hit it off on your big date tonight.
Sean: Fingers crossed.
Janine: All right then, let’s have it.
Janine holds out her hand.
Sean: Have what?
Janine: The envelope. My results.
Sean: Oh, right. Yeah. Well, we didn’t find anything really. I suspect your problem was due to anti-inflammatories. Are you taking any?
Janine: For my back. I’m on my feet all day and sometimes that catches up with me.
Sean: Exactly. Well, I’m sure that’s all it was.
Janine: Okay. Good to know.
Sean: Yes, you’re as fit as a fiddle.
Janine: Isn’t it odd for a doctor to deliver the results to a patient at her place of work?
Sean: No. I mean you’re on my way home.
Janine: Oh.
Sean: That’s all it is.
Janine: But usually a nurse would call to make a follow-up appointment and you’d tell me then, right?
Sean: Usually. But, like I said, you’re on my way home.
Janine: Uh-huh. Well, can I see them?
Sean: See what?
Janine: The results.
Janine holds out her hand.
Sean: Oh! The results, yes. Well, I just told you what they were.
Janine: Well, as long as you brought them along, I might as well see them.
Sean: Of course. Yes. But there’s something I want to tell you first.
Janine: And what’s that?
Sean: I can’t be your doctor anymore.
Janine: What?
Sean: I can’t be your doctor. You’ll have to find someone else.
Janine: Why?
Sean: There’s a conflict of interest.
Janine: What conflict of interest?
Sean: I find you attractive.
Janine: You what?
Sean: I find you attractive. I’m attracted to you. And that makes it impossible for us to have the proper doctor–patient relationship.
Janine: You find me attractive?
Sean: Yes.
Janine: Oh. Eww.
Sean: What’s wrong?
Janine: So when you were examining me on Wednesday, you were . . . eww.
Sean: No, there was nothing eww about it. It was strictly professional.
Janine: But you were attracted to me.
Sean: Yes.
Janine: During the exam. When I was naked.
Sean: I put it out of my mind.
Janine: How?
Sean: I thought of something else.
Janine: Like what?
Sean: Neil Young.
Janine: Neil Young?
Sean: Yes.
Janine: The singer Neil Young? From Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young?
Sean: Yes. And also from his successful solo career.
Janine: Why would you think of him?
Sean: Because I’m not attracted to Neil Young. I don’t find Neil Young physically arousing.
Janine: Oh. Eww!
Sean: No, there’s no eww! Thinking of Neil Young while I’m examining you negates the feelings I have for you.
Janine: Completely?
Sean: Completely.
Janine: Why not David Crosby?
Sean: What?
Janine: David Crosby is far less attractive than Neil Young. Why wouldn’t you think of him?
Sean: I don’t think David Crosby is less attractive than Neil Young.
Janine: You don’t?
Sean: No. He’s less attractive than Graham Nash.
Janine: Well, who isn’t?
Sean: But not Neil Young.
Janine: What about Stephen Stills?
Sean: I don’t even know what he looks like.
Janine: But wait now. You’re finished here in another three weeks.
Sean: So?
Janine: So, why are you telling me that you’re attracted to me? Chances are I’m not going to have another appointment with you before you leave, so you didn’t need to tell me.
Sean: That’s true.
Janine: So why did you?
Sean: I wanted you to know how I felt about you. I didn’t want to leave without telling you that.
Janine: Are you going off to war?
Sean: No.
Janine: Then what the hell?!
Sean: I told you in case you felt the same way and wanted to get it out in the open.
Janine: Oh.
Sean: So, do you?
Janine: Do I what? Feel the same way?
Sean: Yes.
Janine: No.
Sean: Oh.
Janine: No I don’t.
Sean: Got it.
Janine: Not at all.
Sean: Good. The first no did the trick.
Janine: I mean, you’re a good-looking man. There’s no denying that.
Sean: Thank you.
Janine: You’re no Graham Nash.
Sean: Well, who is?
Janine: But I’m living with a guy.
Sean: Right. Bradley.
Janine: Exactly.
Sean: Who you don’t love. You just live with.
Janine: I love him a little bit.
Sean: Uh-huh. A little bit. Ooh that’ll scare me off. She loves him a little bit. I don’t stand a chance.
Janine: Look, Sean, you’ve got a lot going for you. You’re a doctor, you seem like a nice guy . . .
Sean: All right, you don’t have to start listing all of my attributes.
Janine: Actually, I was done.
Sean: You were?
Janine: A doctor and a nice guy. That’s the list.
Sean: All right, but I still think you’ve left the door open for me. You love him a little bit? That’s not slamming the door shut. That means there’s hope. A chance that you and I might become involved.
Janine: Do you want me to respond to that?
Sean: Not if you don’t want to, no.
Sean waits for Janine to respond. She doesn’t.
Okay. Well, I’m going to leave now before this gets awkward.
Janine: Before it gets aw
kward?
Sean: Goodbye.
Janine: Wait.
Sean: What?
Janine: Can I see the results?
Sean: The what?
Janine: The results of my examination. The envelope.
Sean: Oh, this envelope is empty. See?
He opens up the envelope and shows Janine.
Nothing.
Janine: Why is it empty?
Sean: I was just using it as an excuse to drop by. I thought it would look more official.
Janine: Oh.
Sean: We never take files out of the clinic.
Janine: That would be unprofessional.
Sean: Exactly. I’ll see you tonight.
Janine: Tonight?
Sean: Mary Ellen’s birthday party.
Janine: Oh. You’re still going to that?
Sean: Why wouldn’t I?
Janine: Well, this—what just happened here—was kind of embarrassing for you. I thought maybe you’d want to stay home and avoid the public shaming.
Sean: No, not at all.
Janine: No?
Sean: No. I’ve been embarrassed way worse than this.
Janine: Really?
Sean: Way worse.
Janine: Wow.
Sean: So, yeah, I’ll be there tonight.
Janine: Well, I admire your daring.
Sean: Hey, that’s number three.
Janine: Pardon me?
Sean: On my list of attributes. Daring makes three.
Janine: Get out.
Sean: Right.
Sean exits. Lights down.
Scene Three
Time: the following Monday.
Place: the same.
Lights up. The diner is closed. Janine is behind the counter holding the coffee pot. Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen are sitting there, thinking.
They each have an empty coffee cup in front of them. There is silence for a few moments as the women think.
Rita: Neil Young, huh?
Janine: That’s what he said.
Janine brings the coffee pot to the table and pours coffee for the women.
Rita: The old Neil Young or the young Neil Young?
Janine: I don’t know.
Rita: I’d do the young Neil Young. I wouldn’t do the old Neil Young. I’d do the old Graham Nash.
Vi: Well, who wouldn’t?
Mary Ellen: So, he’s attracted to you?
Janine: Yes. And he wants us to become involved.
Rita: That must be why he didn’t make a move on me at Mary Ellen’s birthday party.
Vi: Could be that.
Rita: Oh, I’m sure it was. I mean, he was the perfect gentleman. He made polite conversation all evening, kept his hands to himself, and didn’t try to kiss me good night. It was the worst date of my life.
Vi: I’ve got an appointment with him next week. I’d better not hear him singing “Heart of Gold.”
Mary Ellen: (to Janine) So, what are you going to do about it?
Janine: I’m not going to do anything about it.
Mary Ellen: You don’t like him?
Janine: Sure I like him. But I’m living with a guy.
Mary Ellen: Right. Bradley.
Janine: That’s right.
Vi: And what if you weren’t living with a guy?
Rita: Oh, there’s a good question.
Vi: Well?
Janine: Well, I don’t know.
Rita: Well, there’s your answer.
Janine: How is that my answer?
Rita: You’re unsure. You haven’t completely dismissed the idea. If you weren’t living with Bradley you would go out with the doctor and before long you’d be having babies with him.
Mary Ellen: Is that what she said? I don’t think she said that.
Rita: Oh, Mary Ellen, wake up. A year from now they’ll be married and using the bathroom together.
Janine: I think you’re way off the mark, Rita.
Rita: We’ll see. He’d be a real catch though, Janine. Good looking. A doctor. That’s two out of three.
Mary Ellen: What’s the third?
Rita: Can he cook.
Mary Ellen: Oh. I thought you were going to say sex.
Rita: Oh hell no. I can look after that myself. But a man who can cook for you? That’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Vi: Speaking of men and women and their relationships.
Mary Ellen: . . . Yes?
Vi: Well, last night we were lying in bed and Johnny asked me to . . . you know?
Mary Ellen: Oh, Kyle asks me to do that every night.
Vi: No. He asked me to marry him.
Janine: What?
Vi: He did.
Mary Ellen: Right out of the blue like that?
Vi: Like he was asking me to pass the potato salad. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Mary Ellen: Wow.
Vi: So, what do you think?
Rita: I think I’d rather do what Kyle asks Mary Ellen to do.
Vi: Come on. This is a marriage proposal. It’s a pretty big deal.
Janine: Congratulations, Vi.
Mary Ellen: Yes, congratulations indeed.
Vi: Thank you. I said no.
Janine: You said no?
Vi: Turned him down flat.
Janine: Why?
Vi: Because I don’t know if I’m ready for marriage.
Mary Ellen: Nobody’s ready for marriage. We just take a leap of faith. That’s all it is.
Rita: You did the right thing.
Vi: Really?
Rita: How long have you and Johnny been living together?
Vi: Nine years.
Rita: Right. So if you don’t get married, who cares? You’re together and you’re in love. That’s all that matters.
Vi: Exactly. And I’m worried that marriage might change us. I’ve always thought that our relationship remained interesting and exciting because we weren’t married. We were together because we wanted to be. Not because a piece of paper said we had to be.
Mary Ellen: Oh honest to God, Vi. The piece of paper doesn’t say that at all. It just says who you married, where you were married, and who married you. Believe me, I know. I’ve been checking mine trying to find a loophole.
Rita: So, what did Johnny say when you turned him down?
Vi: He got mad. And we had a big fight. And then he stormed out and went over to his brother’s place to sleep.
Rita: No.
Vi: Yeah. And then he came back an hour later. He said he missed me.
Janine: Oh my God, Vi, if you don’t marry that man, I will.
Vi: He’s a good one, isn’t he?
Janine: He’s the best.
Rita: You’re a lucky girl, Vi. You and Johnny have got an ideal relationship.
Mary Ellen starts to cry.
Janine: Mary Ellen? What’s wrong?
Mary Ellen: Nothing. I’m just happy for Vi.
Janine: Mary Ellen?
Mary Ellen: Really. That’s all it is. I’m very happy for you, Vi. That Johnny is one of a kind.
Vi: Yeah. So, maybe I’ll marry him after all. Who knows?
Mary Ellen cries.
Janine: Mary Ellen, what is wrong with you? And don’t say you’re happy for Vi. No woman gets that happy because another woman’s got a good man. Now what is it?
Mary Ellen: I didn’t get anything for my birthday.
Janine: What?
Mary Ellen: Kyle and the boys. They didn’t get me anything for my birthday.
Rita: You mean they forgot it.
Mary Ellen: No, they didn’t forget it. They just didn’t think it was important enough to make a fuss over. When I got home that evening they gave me a birthday card. One birthday card signed by the three of them and that was it. There was no cake. No presents. I even made the supper that night.
Vi: Well, what about breakfast in bed? You said they made you a nice breakfast in bed with a rose on the tray and . . .
Mary Ellen: There was no breakfas
t. There was no rose. There was nothing. I just told you that because I was embarrassed that I wasn’t being made to feel special on my birthday by my own family. I swear it just about killed me. I cried all day.
Janine: Oh, sweetheart.
Vi: That’s men for you.
Rita: That’s men all right.
Vi: They can be such selfish, obtuse jackasses.
Rita: They’re a bunch of idiots.
Vi: I’m glad I’ve got Johnny because the rest of them are as worthless as a meat thermometer at a vegetarian cook-off.
Sean appears at the door. He tries it. It’s locked. He knocks.
Oh, look. It’s Sean. Hi, Sean!!
Rita: Hi, Sean!
Vi: Isn’t he adorable?
Sean points to the doorknob.