by Norm Foster
Rita: I think he wants in. He’s pointing to his crotch again.
Vi: Let him in, Janine.
Janine: No.
Vi: Why?
Janine: Because we’re in the middle of a crisis here with Mary Ellen.
Vi: Oh, right. I’m sorry, Mary Ellen.
Mary Ellen: No, no, no. My pity party is over. Time to move on.
Rita: Are you sure, dear?
Mary Ellen: Yes. We’ve spent enough time on me. God knows it was all of two minutes. Let the man in.
Janine opens the door.
Janine: Hi, Sean. Come on in.
Sean: I always seem to show up just after you close.
Rita: Are you here to ask me out on a second date? Because I put out on the second date.
Vi: Rita, stop that.
Rita: Oh, I’m just kiddin’.
She mouths “no, I’m not” to Sean as she shakes her head no.
Sean: Actually, I’m here to talk to Janine.
Vi: Oh. Did you bring more test results with you? You’re not carrying an official envelope this time.
Sean: No, I didn’t come here to talk about anything medical.
Vi: Oh, is that right? Did you hear that, girls? The doctor wants to talk to Janine about a non-medical issue. I wonder what that could be.
Rita: Probably something private. Personal.
Mary Ellen: Well pull up a chair then, Sean. Gather round, girls.
Vi: Yes, pull up a chair. What is it you want to talk about?
Sean: Well, like Rita said, it’s . . . it’s personal.
The four women stare at Sean for a moment.
Vi: Go on.
Sean: When I say personal, I mean I would like to keep it between Janine and myself.
Vi: Oh fine. I can take a hint.
Mary Ellen: Yeah, I guess I should be getting home anyway.
Rita: Why?
Mary Ellen: Well, because I’ve got . . .
Rita: You’ve got what?
Mary Ellen: I’ve got . . .
Rita: You’ve got an ungrateful family waiting for you to cook for them. And then clean up after them. Is that what you’ve got?
Mary Ellen: Mostly.
Rita: Well, not tonight, Mary Ellen. No. Tonight I’m taking you out.
Mary Ellen: Out where?
Rita: I’m taking you to the Cavalier for dinner.
Mary Ellen: The Cavalier?
Rita: We’ll have a fine meal and we’ll have some wine and I’m going to ask them to put a single red rose in a vase right there in the centre of the table. How does that sound?
Vi: It sounds good to me. I’m coming too.
Janine: Me too.
Rita: What do you say, Mary Ellen?
Mary Ellen: I say you girls mean the world to me. Thank you. But we’ll have to dress up if we’re going to the Cavalier. And that means I would have to go home and change. And Kyle will be there and I’ll have to explain where I’m going.
Rita: Don’t worry about it. Come to my place. I’ll find a dress for you.
Mary Ellen: Wear one of your dresses?
Rita: Sure. Why not?
Mary Ellen: Well, the dresses I wear say I’m a married woman. The dresses you wear say open for business.
Vi: Oh, come on, Mary Ellen. Live a little.
Mary Ellen: No. You know what? I’m going to go home and get changed. And I’m going to tell Kyle exactly where I’m going and that he and the boys can fend for themselves or starve to death. And not just tonight, but any damned night that I don’t feel like cooking from now on. So, there you have it. We’ll meet at the Cavalier in one hour.
Rita: Done.
Janine: All for one!
Rita: And one for all!
Vi, Mary Ellen, and Rita start for the door.
Vi: We’re off then. Oh, Mary Ellen, Martine came to see me with a tax question this morning.
Mary Ellen: Your stapler again?
Vi: Three-hole punch.
Mary Ellen: I’ll tell her to bring it back.
Rita: Goodbye, Sean.
Sean: Goodbye. Enjoy your dinner.
Rita: Oh we will.
Vi: Bye, Sean.
Sean: Bye.
Vi sings the first line of Neil Young’s “Heart of Gold.”
Rita and Mary Ellen join in as the three women exit.
Vi, Mary Ellen, and Rita exit.
Sean: Neil Young. Nice. You told them.
Janine: There are no secrets in Stewiacke, Sean.
Sean: Well, there could be if you people made an effort.
Janine: So, what’s on your mind? What’s so personal that you can’t discuss it in front of the girls?
Sean: Well, here’s the thing. I’m going to Halifax this weekend. I’ve never been there before so I thought, what the heck? I’ll drive in Friday evening and come back Sunday.
Janine: Sounds good. Halifax is a great city. I think you’ll enjoy it.
Sean: I would like you to come with me.
Janine: What?
Sean: As a tour guide. That’s all.
Janine: A tour guide?
Sean: Yes.
Janine: You want me to spend the weekend with you in Halifax? As your tour guide?
Sean: Yes. It will be completely innocent. We’ll see the sights, have dinner. Whatever you want to do.
Janine: Go dancing?
Sean: Dancing? Uh . . . no. But on Saturday night there’s a production of Romeo and Juliet we could go to.
Janine: Wow. The theatre. You’re going to make my head spin. And what would the sleeping arrangements be for the weekend?
Sean: I’d get us separate rooms.
Janine: Separate rooms. I see.
Sean: So, what do you think?
Janine: Well, first of all, I’m not buying the tour guide thing. I wasn’t born yesterday. We’re back to you wanting to start a relationship with me again.
Sean: Yes we are.
Janine: Oh. You admit it?
Sean: Why waste time? Let’s just dive right into the sexual tension.
Janine: There is no sexual tension.
Sean: There is over here.
Janine: Sean, you’re on the rebound. That’s not a good way to begin a relationship.
Sean: I am not on the rebound.
Janine: You have a photo of your ex-fiancée in your examination room!
Sean: Okay, that minor detail aside, if a person meets someone he likes and it happens to be shortly after a breakup, should he ignore his feelings just because he might be on the rebound? No, I say. Nay. Thou shant denyest thy feelings. T’would be ill-advised.
Janine: You are cute, I’ll give you that.
Sean: You’re thinking about it. That’s good.
Janine: What makes you say that?
Sean: The first word out of your mouth wasn’t “no.”
Janine: Well, the answer is no because I work on Saturday.
Sean: Is that the only reason you won’t go? That’s even better.
Janine: Why is that better?
Sean: Because the reason wasn’t Bradley.
Janine: But the reason should be Bradley.
Sean: But it wasn’t. So, can you get Saturday off? I’ll ask for you. Junior??!!
Janine: Stop that.
Sean: Junior? Janine wants desperately to go to Halifax with me. Can you give her Saturday off!!?
Janine: Cut it out! He’s not even back there. He went home fifteen minutes ago.
Sean: I know. I passed him on my walk down here.
Janine: Well, well, well. You’ve got a sense of humour. I haven’t seen that before now.
Sean: It was buried under a mudslide of hurt.
Janine: And you write country songs too.
Sean: So what do you say?
Janine: Look, I’m flattered, Sean. I really am, but . . .
Sean: Wait! Don’t answer yet.
Janine: Why not?
Sean: Because I can sense a “no” coming. Take twenty-four hours to think a
bout it.
Janine: But I already know my answer.
Sean: Then take twenty-four hours before you say it out loud. Seriously. Give me your answer tomorrow.
Janine: It’ll be the same answer tomorrow as it is right now.
Sean: But that’ll give me a twenty-four-hour reprieve before my heart is broken again.
Janine: Wow. That was good.
Sean: Thank you.
Janine: That was very good.
Sean: Are you impressed?
Janine: Beyond impressed.
Sean: Then my work is done here.
Janine: Yes, and you’ll be leaving on a high note.
Sean: Always leave them wanting more.
Janine:Well, I don’t know if I’m wanting more.
Sean: You don’t want more?
Janine: I think my cup is full.
Sean: All right, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Janine: You will, sir. Yes.
Sean: And you’ll think about Halifax?
Janine: More than I ever have.
Sean: Good. I can’t wait to hear what your answer will be.
Janine: I already told you what it will be.
Sean: Shh! No. Don’t spoil the surprise.
Janine: There is no surprise.
Sean: Enough! Speak no more, fair maiden. And so I say good night. Good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Janine: Get thyself out.
Sean: Right.
Sean exits. Lights down.
Act Two
Scene One
Time: The next day. Tuesday.
Place: the same.
Lights up to reveal Rita pouring herself a coffee. The sign on the door facing the audience now reads “Closed.” The diner is open. Janine enters from the kitchen followed by Vi.
Vi: Why didn’t you tell us this at dinner last night?
Janine: Last night was Mary Ellen’s night. I didn’t want to inject my problems into that.
Rita: So he wants to take you to Halifax. As a tour guide.
Vi: He wants to get you into bed, that’s what.
Janine: He said we would be in separate rooms.
Vi: Oh, well, that’ll put a stop to any shenanigans then. Yes. No one has ever had sex staying in separate rooms at the same hotel because nobody’s ever had too much to drink and given into temptation before!
Rita: So, what are you going to do?
Vi: She’s going to say no, of course.
Rita: Why is she going to say no?
Vi: Two words. Brad ley. She’s already got a man. A good man. Why would she put that relationship in jeopardy for a weekend fling with a good-looking, well-to-do, single, vulnerable doctor? And here I am talking myself into liking the idea. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Look, Janine, you’re the baby of our group. We look out for you. And I say you shouldn’t go.
Janine: Vi, nothing will happen.
Vi: So you’re going?
Janine: I didn’t say that.
Rita: So, you’re not going.
Janine: I didn’t say that either.
Vi: You mean you’re thinking about it? You’re actually thinking about it?
Janine: I might be.
Vi: I can’t believe this.
Janine: Why are you becoming so indignant?
Vi: Because I thought better of you, Janine. Of the four of us, you’ve always been the clearest thinker.
Rita: I thought that was me.
Vi: Oh please.
(to Janine) And now you’re thinking of cheating. That’s not clear thinking at all.
Janine: I’m not thinking of cheating. I would just be going to Halifax with the guy.
Vi: And would you tell Bradley about it?
Janine: Probably not.
Vi: Then that’s cheating. You don’t have to have sex to cheat. Right, Rita?
Rita: No, but it’s more enjoyable that way.
Vi: The mere fact that you’re deceiving your partner—going somewhere with some other guy for sex or not—that’s cheating.
Janine: I don’t think of Bradley as my partner.
Vi: You live together.
Janine: Yeah, I know, but we have separate bank accounts, we each pay our own bills. We buy our own food. The only thing we share is space.
Vi: Why would you live with a guy if you don’t consider him your partner?
Janine: For the company, I guess. I don’t know.
Vi: My God, Janine. I didn’t know you were so indifferent where relationships are concerned. So laissez-faire. Did you pick this attitude up when you travelled to all those European cities? Because I don’t think you could pick it up here.
Janine: Are you offended, Vi? Does my attitude offend your moral core? Is that what this is?
Vi: I just thought better of you.
Janine: Stop saying that. You’ve got no reason to think less of me unless I think less of myself, and I don’t. So stop saying that.
Vi: Fine. I won’t voice my opinion then.
Janine: No, I want you to voice your opinion. I value your opinion. I just don’t want the judgment that comes along with it.
Vi: You value my opinion?
Janine: Of course I do. I value all of your opinions. Rita’s, Mary Ellen’s. I need those voices in my life.
Vi: Fine. No more judgment then.
Janine: Thank you.
Vi: You slut.
The women laugh. Mary Ellen enters.
Mary Ellen: Hello!
Rita: Mary Ellen. You’re late. Oh, by the way, Martine came into the bakery this afternoon.
Mary Ellen: Loaf of bread?
Rita: The tip jar.
Mary Ellen: I’ll tell her to bring it back.
Rita: So, where have you been?
Mary Ellen: Well, it’s been quite the afternoon.
Janine: Coffee?
Mary Ellen: Please.
Janine pours Mary Ellen a coffee.
Rita: So, what happened?
Mary Ellen: Well, I got home from work at about one, the usual time, and I had a bite to eat, and then I put a load of laundry in . . .
Vi: Well, it’s Tuesday.
Mary Ellen: That’s right. So I put the laundry in and I sat down to pay some bills and out of the blue Kyle walks in the door.
Vi: In the middle of the afternoon?
Mary Ellen: That’s right.
Rita: Was he sick?
Mary Ellen: No.
Janine: Did he get fired?
Mary Ellen: No, nothing like that. No, I guess he felt badly about my birthday, because you know I gave them quite the tongue-lashing last night when I went home to get changed for the Cavalier.
Vi: So he came home in the middle of the afternoon to apologize?
Mary Ellen: Yes. Two o’clock in the afternoon and in he walks. It was quite the surprise.
Janine: Two o’clock?
Mary Ellen: Yes.
Janine: But it’s four-thirty now.
Mary Ellen: I know.
Mary Ellen smiles a big smile.
Rita: Oh, Mary Ellen, you didn’t.
Mary Ellen: Oh Mary Ellen did. In the dead of the afternoon. Sun shining in just as bright as can be. And I didn’t care.
Vi: So this was his way of making it up to you? Coming home for sex in the afternoon?
Mary Ellen: It appears so.
Vi: Isn’t that just like a man? They are so narcissistic that they think having sex with us is a cure-all. And you fell for it?
Mary Ellen: Hook, line, and sinker. Twice.
Vi: Well if it was twice, that’s different. That means he’s actually applying himself.
Mary Ellen: So that’s why I’m late. What did I miss?
Rita: Janine’s going to Halifax with Doctor Feelgood.
Mary Ellen: What?
Janine: I’m thinking about it. That’s all. He invited me to go along with him and show him the sights and stay in separate rooms. That’s it.
Mary Ellen: Oh.
Vi: Oh? That’s all you have to
say? Oh?
Mary Ellen: Well, what do you want me to say?
Vi: I want you to talk her out of it.
Mary Ellen: Why?
Vi: Because she already has a man at home.
Mary Ellen: He’s not at home. He’s two thousand miles away.
Vi: Mary Ellen?
Mary Ellen: What?
Vi: Don’t you think a person should be faithful to another person even if that person is away for a while?
Mary Ellen: I do. Definitely.
Vi: There. You see?
Mary Ellen: As long as that person is faithful in return.
Vi: What?
Rita: Mary Ellen.
Vi: What does that mean?
Rita: It doesn’t mean anything.
Janine: What are you saying, Mary Ellen?
Mary Ellen: I think if you want to go to Halifax with the doctor, then go.