Escape to the French Farmhouse

by Jo Thomas

  I wonder if this was how Mum felt when she found out she was pregnant with me.

  ‘You have to think of yourself too, Carine, not just the baby’s father,’ I say tentatively, ‘and the baby … Perhaps you should talk to Stephanie. I’d have done anything to be a mother. At first I thought it was about getting pregnant, but I know now it was never that. It was about being a mum. Being there when they need you, being Mum. I’m not jealous of Ollie and his partner being pregnant … but I would have liked to be a mum.’

  Carine frowns as if slowly processing what I’m saying. ‘Hmm,’ she says thoughtfully. ‘It would have been so much easier if it had been me and Fabien finally getting together.’ She attempts a small smile.

  ‘How do you mean?’ I ask, feeling a breeze as the door opens and closes and another patient enters the waiting room.

  ‘Fabien wants nothing more than a big family of his own. He has lots of brothers, nephews and nieces. He’s probably told you. They live further north. He loves them. That’s why he’s so good with children. He just wants a family of his own. It’s the one thing he’s always wanted.’

  I feel myself freeze.

  ‘Carine!’ The doctor sticks her head out of the surgery door and Carine gets up, holding her bag.

  ‘Will you wait for me?’ she asks.

  ‘Of course!’ I say, without thinking. Because, right now, I can’t move. I’m rooted to the spot. The one thing that Fabien wants most in the world I can’t give him. I shiver as the warm breeze blows the door open again, letting us know that the mistral is on its way back. I stand up and shut it.

  FORTY-SEVEN

  Leaving the doctor’s, Carine says very little. I walk her back to the estate agency.

  ‘Merci,’ she says, and kisses me on each cheek. ‘Thank you for coming with me today.’

  ‘Are you okay?’ I ask. Her usually perfect complexion is dull.

  ‘I’ll be fine. I just need …’

  I turn to follow her stare. My heart and stomach lurch and my head goes into a spin with mixed-up emotions. It’s Fabien.

  He’s standing just across the square, having walked from the brocante. He looks as if he’s on his way to see me at the bistro.

  ‘I just need some time to think,’ says Carine, unlocks the glass door and lets herself in.

  I turn back to Fabien, who is gazing at me with a lazy smile. He points in the direction of the brocante and nods towards it, telling me to meet him there, then heads back with a spring in his step.

  I walk away from Carine, worrying about what she’s thinking. I look towards Fabien on the other side of the road. He smiles and nods towards the brocante again.

  I point to my watch. ‘I have to get on,’ I call, waving a hand.

  He frowns and puts on a sad face.

  ‘Later,’ I lie, and rush towards the bistro, pulling the keys from my bag, feeling sick. Because I know I can’t see Fabien any more. I can’t fall in love with him, or him with me, because I can never be the person he wants me to be. I can never give him what he wants most in the world.

  FORTY-EIGHT

  As lunchtime ends, I look up and down the road nervously, knowing Fabien will be expecting to see me, or he’ll come looking for me to join us for lunch, like yesterday. Yesterday was a world away. I was the happiest I’ve ever been. And now I’m as far away from that as I could be.

  ‘Let’s eat back at Le Petit Mas today,’ I tell a surprised Stephanie.

  ‘Okay,’ she says. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Yes, yes … just a headache. Wondering what will happen now that Henri is on his way home. Maybe his daughters will want to take over the bistro. You have the market stall in hand. Time to make some new plans, that’s all,’ I lie again.

  ‘I didn’t want to take over—’ she says.

  ‘Not at all!’ I stop her. ‘I love seeing you taking on the business. I’m proud of you.’ I pull her to me and kiss the top of her head. She lets me and might even have smiled.

  ‘Oh, actually, Del, you said to say if I needed anything?’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ I say.

  ‘It’s … it’s Tomas’s birthday coming up.’

  ‘We’ll get him something. Of course! Tell me how much you need. And we’ll have a party!’

  ‘I’d just like to be able to do something for him, from me.’

  ‘Of course. Would next week be okay? I need to pay Fabien for the furniture in the house and then I can give you what you need. Just tell me how much.’

  Stephanie nods.

  ‘Right. Let’s go home for lunch,’ I say.

  ‘I’ll let JB know,’ she says, and as we gather up the big pan, I take one last look around the bistro. Henri will be home soon. It’s time I worked out what to do from here. I pull the door shut.

  We’ve just walked into the house when I bump into Rhi. ‘There’s a man in the garden,’ she tells me. She’s come home from the hospital for a change of clothes and is on her way back to help Henri prepare to go home tomorrow.

  ‘A man?’ I ask, putting the heavy pot on the side with an ‘oomph’ and running my hand over my sweating forehead. ‘Again?’ Stephanie pours me water from the fridge and hands it to me. I take the glass and drink gratefully, my head pounding.

  ‘Oh, and Fabien came up with a load of new lavender plants from Serge. A gift. He said he was bringing you flowers as a gift, then dropped the back of the truck and unloaded loads of plants!’

  Inside I crumple. That is the loveliest gift I have ever had. He knows me so well, yet not at all! How am I going to tell this kind, gorgeous man that I’m not the woman for him? I’ll have to give the lavender back. I can’t accept it.

  ‘And who’s the man?’ I try to distract myself.

  ‘Don’t know. He was there when I got back.’

  ‘What’s he doing?’

  ‘Planting the lavender,’ she says.

  ‘What? No! Wait!’ I run to the terrace overlooking the sloping field.

  There in the field, wearing what looks to be Lou’s wide-brimmed hat, under the hot afternoon sun, on his hands and knees, is Alain, planting lavender.

  ‘Ah, Del,’ he says, getting to his feet, his shirt off. ‘I hope you don’t mind. Lou let me shower here.’

  ‘No, of course not.’ Lou is wearing shorts and a bikini top, and is working alongside him. I can’t believe it, but it looks like she’s taken off her lashes and most of her makeup. She looks lovely. Beside them is the old plough from the barn, which has clearly been used on the field.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind, Del. Alain stayed in the barn last night. It was hot, and after we’d been for our walk, well, it seemed like a sensible idea.’

  ‘The barn?’

  ‘Yes, the upstairs, the old hayloft. Very comfortable.’ He smiles. ‘And I wanted to say thank you for everything,’ he says. ‘This is my way of doing so.’ He is holding a trowel and waving at the plants already in the ground.

  ‘That’s great!’ is all I can think of saying. ‘Thank you!’ I can’t tell him to uproot them, that I’m sending them back to Fabien. I just can’t. And there’s no way I would do that to Serge either! ‘And do stay in the barn as long as you need,’ I say, and see Alain and Lou smile at each other. ‘But, please, you could stay in the house, if you want to,’ I add.

  ‘Thank you, but I haven’t slept in a bed for a long time. Not since …’ he looks at Lou for support ‘… not since my wife died next to me. It’s been a long, lonely road,’ he looks at Lou again, ‘but things are definitely on the up.’

  It looks like love is in the air for everybody. Everybody except … I stop myself. I can’t go there. It won’t help to get maudlin. I just have to tell Fabien it was a wonderful night, but we have no future together. I have to be more like Carine, everything in its place … even lovemaking.

  ‘I’ll get lunch ready,’ I say. I go to the kitchen where I pull out knives and forks, with an extra set for Alain.

  After lunch I have a quick siesta in
which I don’t sleep, just relive my night with Fabien, here in this bed. The sweetest, loveliest night of my life. After that, we all walk down to the riverside clearing. Cora is waiting for me with one of her cronies. I expect the other will be on her way. They’re never far apart. I don’t want to deal with Cora and her bigotry today.

  ‘I’ve spoken to the mayor!’ she shouts, as she sees me coming. ‘He agrees it’s time to get this stopped.’ She’s waving her placard in her oversized yellow vest.

  I ignore her, walking towards the little hut where I greet the queue that’s forming. I reach the door and unlock it.

  ‘Tidy up our town. Get rid of trash!’ Cora shouts.

  At that my fury and frustration at the unfairness of life bubbles up in me. I turn to Stephanie, then to Cora, who is smiling at me in triumph. She’s here to ruin all the work Henri has put in, and to make the lives of those who need a second shot at it even harder. Alain, no longer wearing Lou’s hat, starts to walk towards her. I stop him. ‘Here, hold that!’ I say, giving him the big pot. And then I march towards Cora, right up to her, until we’re toe to toe.

  ‘The mayor is fully aware of what’s going on here,’ she says, taking a step back.

  In no mood for her spite today, I grab her placard, pull it from her hands and toss it into the river. I’ll retrieve it later. I just manage to stop myself pushing Cora in after it.

  ‘Now shove off, Cora!’ I say, sounding more menacing than I ever thought I could. ‘Or these hungry people, whom you consider trash, lower than low, will be forced to help you on your way. And you never know what people “like that” may do. I won’t be able to help you.’

  The group takes a step forward. Cora looks at her friend, who drops her own placard, whips off her yellow vest and runs back down the path to town.

  Cora looks like she’s chewing a wasp. ‘You haven’t heard the end of this,’ she says, wagging a finger at us all. ‘Savages! The lot of you!’ A dog barks, Ralph joins in, and Cora yelps, remembering yesterday’s dunking. She hurries off towards town, calling after her friend.

  The group steps back and laughs, watching her stumble away.

  ‘Right, where were we? Dinner will be ready very soon.’

  We go into the hut and it’s all hands on deck to get the plates out, liners in the bins, food on the hotplate to warm up. Alain is helping Lou and Rhi.

  ‘Um, excuse me!’ says a very English voice.

  It’s Cora’s other friend. The one who always looks like she’s longing to get back to the UK.

  ‘You’ve missed them. They’ve gone. Sent packing,’ I say. ‘We don’t want any trouble. The only person causing it round here is Cora.’

  ‘Oh, erm, I’m not here for trouble. Actually, I was wondering if I could help. I think finding something worthwhile to do might help me settle in a bit.’

  ‘How long have you been here?’ I ask.

  ‘Seven years,’ she replies, her head hanging. ‘I thought mixing with the expats would make me feel at home, but … I don’t.’ She looks up. ‘I’d like to get involved with the town and thought I could help out here, washing up or something.’

  Seven years of wishing she’d never left home!

  ‘Of course! Everyone is welcome here if they want to join in.’ I smile. And she does. She rolls up her sleeves, turns on the single tap over the sink, squirts in some washing-up liquid, and watches it fill with soap suds.

  As we serve dinner, the time passes in a haze. Soon we’re handing over the last few bowlfuls and collecting up any scraps for the dogs. Stephanie and JB are clearing away paper plates and collecting cutlery.

  We’re just finishing and the honesty box is filled with people’s donations, showing their support for what we’re doing.

  ‘Look,’ says Stephanie, showing it to me. Tears spring to my eyes. These people have so little, but want to give something back because they’re grateful for what we’ve done, for keeping Henri’s project going.

  ‘Hey! Ça va?’

  ‘Fabien!’ He catches me off guard when I’m a mess. I brush away the tears and hand the money box to Stephanie, who puts it back on its shelf by the hatch. She glances at us and decides to finish tidying in the clearing. The fairy lights are on, and a firepit is lit – it’s a dustbin lid on bricks – throwing up flames, despite the warm evening. The sun is setting, the bats are coming out, and in the background, from further along the river, I can hear a frog chorus starting up.

  Fabien’s face glows in the lights from the trees and the firepit, the familiar face that was next to mine all night. The unshaven chin, the green eyes and that smile. My body is aching to be with him again, and as he kisses me on both cheeks, I think my legs might give way. It takes all my willpower to pull back from him and not let my lips linger next to his. He cocks his head quizzically at me, frowning.

  ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘Oui, bien sûr!’ I say quickly.

  ‘I have news! It’s Henri. He’ll be home tomorrow. Rhi is on her way back.’

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ I find myself welling up again.

  He cocks his head even further, reading me like a book, knowing that everything is not okay.

  I have to explain this to him properly. I have to tell him how much I care about him and not that I’m completely in love with him. That is why I have to put an end to this. I love him. I know it. And I want him to be happy, but I’m never going to be able to give him the happiness he deserves. I have to finish this now before we get even more hurt. But I have to explain it properly.

  ‘Er, Stephanie, can you keep an eye on things for a moment? I just need to … Fabien and I, we’re just taking a walk up the riverbank,’ I finish pathetically. Come on, Del. You have to be stronger than this, I tell myself. You’ve been married, you’ve had your time to set up home with someone and dream of a future together and what it might bring. You can’t take that away from Fabien. He has to meet someone he can have dreams with too. I’m me. Just me. This is it. I’m not dreaming of the future any more, just living each day as it comes and, as it happens, loving it. But I can’t be the person he deserves to be with, the person to have dreams of a family with, of being a father, a grandfather, even. I have to tell him. I whip the tea towel out of the apron, tied around my waist, and wipe my hands nervously.

  I tilt my head towards the path, away from the group gathered around the firepit and the new sofa there, even though the blue one has dried out now. Most people are drifting away, dogs leaving with their owners, and there’s just a few left. Alain is talking to them, but has no intention of staying. He has a hayloft waiting for him and an evening stroll with Lou.

  We walk a little way up the riverbank, listening to the cicadas and the frogs. I gather my thoughts, and feel I have them lined up enough to say what I need to say, no matter how hard it will be. I must make sure I explain it properly. It’s not that I haven’t fallen in love with him. I have. But I have to let him go. He will meet someone else, closer to his own age. He can’t waste time being with me while there’s a chance he could still have everything he wants in life.

  I can hear the laughter of the few people sitting round the firepit, the shutters going down on the kitchen in the hut, and Tomas starting to cry as it nears his bedtime, Stephanie attempting to soothe him. I hear JB too, helping her, but neither seems able to placate him. We should start making our way back to Le Petit Mas. It’s been a long day for all of us. But at least Henri will be home tomorrow and there’s been healthy takings at the bistro to show him that while he’s been away we’ve kept things going and will continue to do so as he gets back on his feet.

  Fabien stops suddenly, takes me by the arms and turns me towards him. ‘Del? What’s the matter? Why are you upset?’

  I take a very deep breath. I have to tell him all of it, me, Ollie, the failed IVF, all of it.

  ‘Fabien, I loved last night.’

  ‘Me too.’ He moves closer to me, tucking a stray curl behind my ear. ‘And I’m hoping to do
it all over again tonight.’ He smiles and my knees nearly give way. I put up a hand to his chest, feeling its firmness. He frowns.

  ‘But …’

  ‘But?’ He cocks his head again, his black curls tumbling this way and that. ‘There’s a but?’

  I bite my lip and close my eyes, to give me the courage to say everything I have to say.

  ‘I can’t see you any more, Fabien,’ I say, with my eyes still shut. It’s easier if I can’t see his face.

  ‘What? Why not? I thought we—’

  ‘Yes, I do, we do, but there’s things I need to explain about my marriage.’ I open my eyes. ‘I can’t see you any more because … phfffff! Fabien, I am ten years older than you.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter to me. Why would it?’ He laughs, trying to dismiss my worries.

  ‘Because …’ every bit of me wants to fall into his arms but I know I can’t ‘… because that will never change. I had my chance at having a family and I know that that time is over for me now. I realize I can be happy just being me. But …’

  ‘It doesn’t matter to me either!’ he protests.

  ‘No. It does. I know it does. Carine told me. She told me the one thing you have always wanted is a family. I can’t give that to you. It wouldn’t be fair to ask you to give it up for me. I can’t let you.’ Tears now fill my eyes and are spilling down my cheeks.

  ‘Del, please, listen,’ he says.

  I can’t see his face now, but I can hear the crack in his voice. ‘No, Fabien. I can’t. I can’t be who you want me to be. I can’t be with you. That’s it!’

  ‘But—’

  Suddenly there’s a shout.

  ‘Del! Del!’ It’s Stephanie. My eyes ping wide open but my vision is blurred with tears. ‘Del! Quick!’

  I don’t need telling twice. I turn from Fabien and stumble back to the clearing, images of Henri and the blue lights racing through my head. Fabien is hot on my heels. I can hear his footsteps, hear his breath right behind me as we run to the clearing.