Choosing You

by Stacy Finz

  They were both out the door when Ethan’s phone rang. Rhys.

  “You find them?”

  “Just heard back from the CHP. They got a flat just outside of Vinton. Your ex’s cell phone died and they had to wait for help. That stretch of road can get pretty lonely on a Saturday evening. They’re on their way to you now.”

  Ethan let himself breathe again. “Thanks, Rhys. This is two times in a row. I owe you big.”

  “Just doing my job. Have a good evening.”

  “Rhys found them?” Griffin asked as soon as Ethan got off the phone.

  “Joey got a flat and her cell phone died.”

  “Does she have a spare? I can go back and get one.” Griff ran a tow service and repair shop out of the Gas and Go.

  “I don’t know but they’re on their way here.” Just as he said it, Joey’s Ford Edge crested the hill.

  A rush of emotions hit Ethan like a monsoon. Mostly relief but there was a good dose of anger mixed in there, too. How the hell had Joey let her phone die? She couldn’t have plugged into her brand-new car’s USB port?

  They’re home safe. That’s all that matters.

  Ethan met them in the driveway, flung open the passenger seat door, and scooped up a sleeping Roni.

  One look at Joey and he knew that she knew she’d blown it.

  “I’m sorry,” she mouthed.

  Griffin, sensing the tension in the air, said goodbye and made a quick getaway.

  “Ethan, I obviously didn’t mean for this happen. Will you just look at me?”

  He put his finger to his lips. He didn’t want her to wake Roni and frankly he needed a little time to cool off.

  He took Veronica upstairs, laid her on her bed, and covered her with a blanket. Later, he’d come up and change her into her PJs. Joey was in the kitchen, pouring herself the coffee Griffin had just brewed.

  “I am so, so sorry. I know you must’ve been freaking out.”

  “Freaking out doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

  She turned to face him, leaning her back against the counter. “Did you actually think I would steal our daughter?”

  He backed up, trying to tamp down his fury. “No, Joey, I didn’t.” Though admittedly he had gone there for an instant. “I spent most of the evening visualizing the two of you, lying dead in a ditch. Do you know what that fucking looks like?”

  “Oh God, Ethan. I screwed up. I forgot my phone charger. I tried to change the tire myself, but I couldn’t make the jack work. And the truth is I don’t know how to change a tire—because I used to have you.” She broke down in tears.

  “Don’t.” Out of instinct he went to her and wound up pulling her into a reassuring embrace. “Shh, I overreacted.”

  “No, you didn’t,” she said into his chest. “I’m a colossal screw up. Everything was going so well. Roni loved all the new clothes I bought her. We had a really nice lunch on the Riverwalk. Afterward, I took her to that museum exhibit I told you about. It was perfect. Then it all went to crap on the way home.”

  “Look, these things happen.” He started to rub her back the way he used to when they were married and she’d come home from a long day at the hospital upset over some asshole doctor who’d yelled at her or a patient that wasn’t getting better. But he couldn’t bring himself to be that intimate with her again. He just couldn’t. “I’m sorry I went off on you. And I’m glad you and Roni had a good time. But most of all, I’m so freaking relieved that you’re both all right.”

  “Thank you for being understanding.” She fisted her hands in his shirt and sniffled. “You’re such a good man, Ethan Daniels. You’re such a good father. And I’m . . . inadequate.”

  He lifted her chin with his finger. “Don’t do that. You’ve never been inadequate. Never. You were sick and you got yourself help. Not a lot of people are strong enough to do that. But you were. Look at all you’ve overcome.”

  “I did it for you and Roni.”

  “I’m glad you did it for Roni but you should do it for yourself, Joey. You should do it because you’re a special person and the world would be worse off without a sober you in it. You should do it because people love you.”

  She rested her cheek against his chest. “I want you to love me again.”

  “I do love you. I never stopped loving you as a friend . . . as the mother of my child.”

  “But you don’t love me the way a husband loves a wife.” She choked on a sob.

  “Ah, Joey, you left our marriage long before the pills. We both know that. The divorce . . . well, that was just a formality.”

  “I was terrible to you. But I want to be better. Let me be better.”

  He didn’t know what to say to that. At one time she’d been his everything. But now . . . “Hey, you need to call your mother and I need to call Alma.” He pushed away and went for his phone.

  She tore a piece of paper towel off the holder, wiped her eyes and disappeared into the other room. He phoned Alma, explained what had happened, and wished her a good night.

  Joey returned to the kitchen. She’d washed away her smeared makeup and had combed her hair, looking much younger than her thirty-seven years. For a fleeting few seconds he got lost in her face, transported back to a time when she’d been his world. He dug into himself, curious if those feelings were still there, lying dormant beneath the surface. But he couldn’t find them.

  It would’ve been so much easier if he could.

  “You talk to Lou Ellen?” he asked, putting a few steps of distance between them.

  “Yeah.” She took a sip of her coffee, which by now had probably gone cold. “I have a problem. My spare is one of those donut tires. I probably shouldn’t drive all the way back to Reno on it. Do you know where I can get my tire fixed or get another one?”

  Griffin had offered but by now he was likely home, drinking a beer around a fire or on a date with his girlfriend, Lina. It was Saturday night after all. Ethan wasn’t even sure if the repair shop was open on Sunday, though Griff would probably help them out if Ethan asked. That’s how things were done in Nugget.

  “Not tonight,” he said, bracing himself for what was coming next.

  “Would it be a horrible imposition if I slept over?”

  “Stay,” he said, resigned. “I’ll take care of your tire in the morning.”

  The rest of the evening passed awkwardly. Joey settled next to him on the couch, nestling against his side, like she’d done a million times during their marriage. She was working him, not even being particularly cunning about it. That had always been one of the things he’d admired most about her. When she wanted something, she went for it. Hard.

  He knew he could never love her the way he used to. The damage had already been done. But was companionship enough to make them a family again? For Roni. To assuage his guilt over all the things he could’ve done to be a better husband.

  He went to the kitchen to get himself a beer and her a glass of water and used the opportunity to relocate to the chair by the fire. The blaze had dwindled to a mere flicker. Instead of stoking it with another log, he let what was left go to embers.

  When it came time to turn in for the night, she asked, “Where do you want me to sleep?”

  The tenor of the question was not lost on him. It would’ve been so easy to take her to his bed, try to revel in the familiarity of her body and wake up as a couple again. But he couldn’t pretend. There was no desire for her left in him.

  “Roni’s room,” he said.

  Chapter 15

  The next morning, Ethan rose before the sun came up and headed to the barn to saddle up Reggie. Most of the snow had melted, leaving puddles of brown slush along the sides of the driveway. It was still chilly enough to warrant a jacket, though.

  In the east, the sun began to rise, turning the sky a fiery red. Ethan loved this time of day, when the
ranch hadn’t fully awakened, and he could be alone with his thoughts. Before his father died, they used to ride fences in the predawn hours, checking for chinks in the barbed wire. They’d rarely talked on those rides, yet they were the times he’d felt closest to his dad.

  When he got to the barn, he let out a low whistle and good old reliable Reggie came trotting up to the fence.

  “Ready to ride, boy?”

  The horse nickered and obligingly trotted into the barn. It didn’t take long to tack up. Ethan had been doing it since he was old enough to walk. He climbed into the stirrup and mounted up, leading Reggie to a narrow trail.

  They walked for a while, taking their time, following the river as it snaked through his land. Joey would’ve enjoyed the ride. She wasn’t much of a morning person but the chance to ride could usually get her out of bed.

  But he hadn’t wanted her company. The truth was another woman was occupying his mind. Lately, all he could think about was Brynn Barnes. He’d become a little obsessed with her. And trying to fight his fascination wasn’t working out too well. It was like taking on a six-hundred-pound grizzly, bare handed.

  When they got out on the range, Ethan gave Reggie his head and they loped until the gelding was good and lathered. Ethan didn’t know who’d needed the run more. Him or Reg.

  He reined the horse around, backtracking to the trail. Judging by the position of the sun, Roni would be up and wanting breakfast. Then he’d get Joey’s tire taken care of.

  The house smelled like frying bacon when he got home. He found Joey at the stove, making breakfast. And Roni up on the counter, telling her mom a story about a playmate at school. His daughter was lit up like a Christmas tree.

  He lifted her off the granite island and sat her down on a stool.

  “You smell like horse, Daddy.”

  Joey glanced over at him. “You went riding without me?”

  “You were asleep.” He aimed his chin at the mixing bowl beside her. “What do you have going there?”

  “Waffles. Buttermilk, your favorite.”

  She was pulling out all the stops and at some point, when Roni wasn’t around, he’d have to talk to her about it. He didn’t want to confuse their daughter.

  “Do I have time to shower first?” He poured himself a mug of piping hot coffee.

  “Yep. But don’t take too long. The bacon is almost done.”

  He jogged up the stairs with his cup of coffee. One hot shower later, he returned to the kitchen and got himself a refill.

  “Wow, that was fast.” Joey turned off the skillet and plated the bacon. “You must be hungry.”

  Not as much hungry as he wanted to get the morning over with. But the way his daughter clung to Joey made him feel like a weasel for wanting to rush his ex off. “Starved. You want me to set the table?”

  “Nope. You relax. Roni and I are going to do it, right baby girl?”

  Roni held her arms open for Joey to stack the plates. He watched as she carefully put each one around the table, then placed the napkins Joey had folded just so. Roni wasn’t that conscientious when she helped Alma or him set the table.

  Throughout the meal, Roni monopolized the conversation, switching back and forth from a story about a boy who made her cry on the playground to what she wanted for her birthday, which wasn’t until June. Joey, to her credit, managed to follow the random bursts of non sequiturs, chiming in every once in a while with a reply. Ethan ate, grateful to Roni for filling the room with conversation.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Joey said when Roni stopped talking long enough to take a bite of her food.

  “Just enjoying my breakfast.” He held up a forkful of waffle smothered in syrup as proof. “As soon as we’re done, I’ll call the local repair shop, see if I can get your tire fixed.”

  “Great. I appreciate it,” she said tightly, like she knew he was in a rush for her to leave.

  He gave a short nod and went back to silently eating his meal.

  Afterward, Joey insisted on her and Roni doing the dishes. When they’d been married, they’d equally shared in the household chores. Though there were times when Joey had had to pinch-hit while he got called away on an emergency.

  “I’ll try the Gas and Go to see about that tire,” he said and escaped inside his office. The domesticity of the morning was getting to him. It was forced and uncomfortable.

  He was more than aware of what Joey was doing and instead of feeling manipulated, he felt a deep abiding shame. Shame for having left Joey when she needed him the most. Shame for having deprived Roni of her mother. Shame that his decision had shattered their nuclear family

  Yet, he resented Joey’s attempts to win him over. And for that, he felt shame too.

  He found the number for the Gas and Go in the Nugget directory, an old-fashioned booklet collated and stapled together by the chamber of commerce and available in all the town’s businesses. Nugget was still light years behind the digital age, though the local newspaper was online.

  “Hi, this is Ethan Daniels over at the Circle D Ranch,” he told the person who answered the phone. “Any chance Griffin Parks is around?”

  “No, but Skeeter is. You want to talk to him?”

  Ethan had no idea who Skeeter was but perhaps he could fix a tire. “Sure.”

  In the background he heard someone call for Skeeter and a few seconds later, a man greeted him with “Yo.”

  He launched into the reason for the call, hoping he didn’t have to go to Reno on his day off.

  “What kind of car is it?”

  “A Ford Edge, this year’s model.”

  “Yeah, I can hook you up. If I can’t fix it, we’ve got Bridgestone and Goodyear touring tires that’ll work just fine. Can you drive it to the shop?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be over within the hour.” It was only a few miles and a good excuse to get out of the house for a while.

  Ethan got Joey’s keys and told her he’d be back soon.

  Skeeter was something else. He looked like a hoodlum. Baggy pants cinched across his ass, badly done tattoos, and a few piercings. But he knew his cars. In less than a half hour, he’d fixed Joey’s tire and threw in a free rotation.

  Before Ethan left, the kid showed him his refurbished Camaro and a before picture when the vehicle was a junked-up primer gray. Ethan wasn’t much into muscle cars but the now banana yellow Camaro was impressive, especially given what it had looked like originally.

  Ethan considered going over to the Ponderosa for a beer to give Joey more alone time with Roni. Technically, she got Sunday visitations, too. But he knew the Ponderosa was just a convenient excuse to hide instead of having an unpleasant conversation with Joey to set some new guidelines. He wasn’t sure he was ready to go with completely unsupervised visits. But how did he get the horse back after it had left the barn? And this staying the weekend bit . . . well, they had to talk about that too.

  He forced himself to go home and take the bull by the horns. Roni was giving Joey a fashion show with all the new clothes her mother had bought her. Joey had probably spent a month’s worth of alimony.

  “Daddy, watch this.” Roni strutted across the floor, climbed up on the coffee table, and did a twirl. She reminded him of a miniature version of a drunken super model.

  “Nice. Hey, bonny Roni, you think you could give Mommy and me a little alone time?”

  “Why? Are you going to kiss?” She hopped down from the table and threw herself in Ethan’s lap. “Give Mommy a kiss, Daddy.”

  A part of him wondered if Joey had put her up to this. But one look at his ex and he dismissed the idea out of hand. Her face was the color of a pomegranate. The color of mortification.

  “Hey, Roni, skedaddle.” He put her down on the floor and patted her behind. “Take all this stuff up to your room.”

  Ethan motioned for Joey to follow him into his offic
e and shut the door. “Your tire is fixed. The kid at the repair shop says the other three are fine.”

  “Thanks for taking it in. What did you want to talk about that you didn’t want Roni to hear?”

  He sat behind his desk, once again putting distance between them. She took one of the leather chairs, sitting stiffly across from him in a borrowed flannel shirt from his closet.

  “How are we going to do this, Joey? How do we move forward from here? I don’t think these weekend overnights are a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “You saw why. It gives Roni the wrong idea.”

  “Why is it wrong? Is it so terrible, Ethan, for her to see us as a family?” She tilted her head to one side in challenge.

  He glanced at the ceiling and then back at her. “Don’t do that, Joey. Don’t make me the bad guy. It’s wrong if it’s not true.”

  “You’re the father of my child, therefore I consider you my family.”

  “You think a six-year-old gets those nuances? Because I sure the hell don’t. We’re confusing her.”

  “We owe it to her . . . to us . . . to see if we can be a family again. I want us to try, Ethan. I know it’s a lot to ask after . . . everything. But we were happy once. And look how happy it makes Roni when we’re together.”

  “That’s the thing, Joe, we weren’t happy. Maybe in the beginning. Maybe in that first year. But then things started to change. Subtly at first. But little by little I could see you growing bored. With me, with marriage, with our life. I tried to tell myself that it was because I worked too much. That I wasn’t home enough. Then you got pregnant with Veronica and I thought . . . we both thought . . . a baby would fix things, would fix us. Perhaps it was postpartum depression but the old Joey seemed to disappear. You started going out at night, spending more time with your nurse friends than with us. There was the stuff on the internet that I pretended was innocent. But was it? Was it innocent, Joey?” He held up his hand when she started to talk. “Don’t answer to me. Take a hard, honest look inside yourself.”

  He scrubbed his hand down his face. The divorce had destroyed him. But in many ways, he was just as much to blame as she was. He didn’t hold up his end of the bargain. He’d walked away when he should’ve stood by her.