Choosing You

by Stacy Finz

  “I know, baby. But we don’t live here.” How did she explain to an eight-year-old that staying any longer would destroy her? “Don’t you want to see your friends?”

  He shook his head. “I have new friends. And there are no horses at home.”

  “Honey, we can’t stay here forever. I have to work and you have to go to school.”

  “What about Dr. Ethan? He’s the best doctor I’ve ever had.”

  “I know, Henry. But Dr. Ethan says really great things about your new doctor. Don’t you think we should at least give her a try?” She tilted her head to the side, hoping to persuade him that their life was in Manhattan.

  Scowling, Henry shrugged and went back to his watch.

  “We’ve got to go, buddy.” Brynn scooped her purse and keys off the counter while Henry begrudgingly hoisted himself from the sofa into his chair.

  On their way out, he reached up and snagged his cowboy hat off the hook at the front door and rested it on his head. It had become a ritual that always made her grin. In the two months they’d been here her son had become a cowboy.

  They made the familiar drive to the hospital. She and Henry had been there only a few days earlier for more X-rays. A nurse in purple dinosaur scrubs waved at them on their way to the orthopedic clinic. Brynn recognized her from previous visits and waved back.

  She liked to say she’d miss this place but she wouldn’t. Just the doctor who in so many ways had changed her life. She wondered if she would miss him forever or if with time he would simply become a fond memory.

  “You’re here,” Marjorie, the receptionist announced. Brynn immediately checked her watch to see if they were late. “You’re fine. Right on time. But Dr. Daniels had a break in his schedule and thought you might get here early. Let me check, but I think we can bring you back.”

  A few seconds later, Ethan appeared at the door and waved them in. They hadn’t talked since she’d found him on the porch with Joey and seeing him again reminded her why leaving Nugget early was the right decision. He made her wish for things that were impossible.

  “Hey, Henry, how are you doing today?”

  It pleased Brynn that at the hospital Ethan made their appointments all about Henry.

  “Okay, I guess,” Henry said.

  “How about your legs? Are they feeling any stronger?” Ethan stopped in front of the first exam room and ushered them in.

  “I don’t know. I think they feel the same.”

  “Yeah? Can you hop on the table for me?”

  He turned to Brynn and winked like he had a secret. She stared at him quizzically.

  Ethan moved to the table where Henry laid lengthwise. “Let me have a look there, buddy.” He began manipulating Henry’s thighs. “That hurt?”

  “No, not a lot.”

  “But a little bit?”

  Henry nodded. “It’s just kind of sore.”

  “That’s normal, especially because both legs are out of practice. But you’ve been doing your exercises, right?” He motioned for Brynn, who’d taken her normal place on the plastic chair in the corner, to join them. “I got your X-rays back and I’m liking what I’m seeing.”

  Brynn’s eyes grew round. “Is there new bone tissue?”

  He nodded. “The X-rays show a marked improvement from last time. It’s slow but steady. I think we may be on to something and Henry here is just a slow healer.”

  Brynn was floored by the news. “Does this mean he doesn’t need another surgery?”

  “I’ve discussed it with Dr. Rothman and she and I are both of the theory that we should wait and see how things go before rushing into another procedure.”

  “Does that mean Henry will stay in your clinical trial?” She held her breath.

  Ethan adjusted Henry’s hat to give it a slight tilt. “Hey, buddy, how’d you like to hang out in the playroom while I talk to your mom?”

  “Am I done, then?”

  “Yep, you’re done.” Ethan helped Henry into his chair and had a nurse escort him to the playroom. He shut the door, sat on the table vacated by Henry and gestured for Brynn to take the chair. They were only a few feet away from each other but it seemed like miles. “Dr. Rothman will take it from here.”

  She started to argue but he held up his hand. “It was an eight to ten-week trial. You know that, Brynn.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, his earlier good cheer evaporating before her very eyes. “You want to know what the bitch of it is? As soon as I saw the images, I immediately started making excuses why it would be okay to extend Henry’s time. How it would be in the best interest of the study. In the best interest of science.” He exhaled and looked at her, tortured. “Thankfully I still have a modicum of sense left. It would be the wrong move for Henry. If he’s under Rothman and her team’s care, he’s guaranteed a spot in her clinical trial if this is as good as it gets and he needs a second round of treatment. She’s a brilliant surgeon, Brynn. A brilliant surgeon with fresh eyes who will keep me in the loop every step of the way.”

  She knew he was right. While today’s positive diagnosis had put her over the moon, it was far from conclusive. She wouldn’t do anything to risk Henry’s future.

  Still, it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room. In one fleeting second, she’d gained and lost a valid reason to spend more time with Ethan. Guilt gnawed at her. She should’ve been celebrating the good news about Henry not dwelling on her disappointment.

  “We’ll miss you,” she said, letting her eyes drop to her shoes. “You’ve cared for Henry like he was your own. I’ll never be able to thank you for all you’ve done.”

  “Stop,” he said. “You’re talking to me as if I were a stranger. You know how much Henry means to me. How much you mean to me.” He got off the table and tried to pull her into his arms.

  “Don’t . . . please. It’s too hard, Ethan. Yesterday, I made my peace with leaving. Today . . .” She swallowed, unable to say it. “We’re leaving Wednesday,” she said at last.

  “Wednesday? I thought your flight wasn’t until Sunday. Brynn?”

  “Dr. Rothman will see us right away, no?” He answered with an imperceptible nod. “Then it’s for the best. Otherwise it’ll be more days of goodbyes. I can’t do it, Ethan. I just can’t do it.”

  “Brynn . . .” he trailed off and rubbed his hand down his face. “What the hell have we done?”

  * * * *

  Wednesday came too soon.

  Brynn spent Tuesday being feted by half of Nugget. Griffin had thrown her and Henry what was supposed to be a small gathering in the Sierra Heights clubhouse. At least thirty people had attended, including Owen, Darla and her husband, a police officer with Nugget PD. The police chief, Maddy and their little girl came too. As did Emily and Clay. Alma, Donna and Brady prepared enough food for a herd of elephants.

  Ethan had cleared his schedule to come to the party. Afterward, they’d spent most of the night in each other’s arms until Ethan had to creep back to his own bed.

  While she cherished every last second they’d spent together, it was agony. Brynn tried not to think about Ethan and Joey reconciling, even though she knew in her heart of hearts they would. In the end, it was the right thing to do, especially if they could make each other happy. For Brynn there was the Barnes Group to run and advertising campaigns to create.

  And by this time next year, Henry could very possibly be walking. That’s what she had come here for and where she had to focus her energy. Her son.

  “You ready?” she asked Henry, who’d returned from the barn with Ethan and Roni for one last goodbye to the horses.

  He solemnly nodded and took off his cowboy hat. “You keep this, Dr. Ethan. No one wears a cowboy hat in New York City.”

  Ethan took the hat and put it back on Henry’s head. “Be a trendsetter, buddy.”

  Henry’s eyes filled and he forced
the hat into Ethan’s hand. “Maybe it’ll help you remember me.”

  “What are you talking about? I’ll never forget you, partner. You were my best patient ever.” Ethan crouched down so he was eye to eye with Henry and handed him his business card. “You see the phone number and email address on that card? I want you to keep in touch, let me know what you’re up to, you hear?”

  Henry swiped at his eyes. “I will. And maybe I can come back sometime and ride the horses, even work for you feeding them and cleaning the stalls, like Cody does.”

  “Anytime you want to wrangle for me, you have a home.”

  “You can have my room, Henry.” Roni danced around him. “I can sleep in the guest room.”

  Brynn’s eyes filled with tears. Life wouldn’t be the same without Veronica knocking on her door every day, asking Henry to come out to play.

  “Come here, sweet girl. Henry and I have a present for you.” Brynn handed Roni a small, prettily wrapped package.

  “Can I open it?”

  “Of course you can.”

  Roni tore through the paper, lifted the lid off the box and squealed. “Daddy, look.” She lifted the gold heart necklace from the velvet lining, her eyes round. “Can I wear it?”

  Ethan nodded and tried for a smile but Brynn had never seen him look so desolate.

  “It’s just a little something for you to remember Henry by.” Brynn put the thin chain around Roni’s neck and closed the clasp.

  “I’ll never forget him.” Roni reached her arms up to be hugged and Brynn swooped her into the air, not wanting to let her go.

  “What do you say?” Ethan prodded.

  “Thank you. I love it!” Roni got down, ran to Henry and threw herself into his chair.

  “Careful, careful.” Ethan warned but let them say their goodbyes before helping Henry into the car. Roni scampered into the back seat, reluctant to see them off.

  Ethan turned to Brynn and whispered, “I want to kiss you.”

  Even though she and Ethan had said their own tearful private goodbyes the night before, it was awkward with both children there.

  “I know. Me too. But it’s better this way.” Brynn held back tears. “I’ve got to go, otherwise we’ll miss our flight.”

  He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “This is . . .” He scrubbed his hand through his hair unable to finish the sentence. He didn’t have to. This was every bit as excruciating for her, too.

  “Let’s not do this. Please.”

  With a subtle nod, he opened her car door. As she was getting inside, he bent over and in a soft voice said, “I love you.”

  It wasn’t the words she remembered a week later in her Manhattan penthouse. It was the way his face had lost all its light.

  * * * *

  Ethan slogged through the next week mostly in a haze. He’d only had two stem cell procedures and had spent most of his office hours catching up on trial documentation. A good portion of most of those days, though, he simply stared into space, wondering what Brynn was doing. Whether she’d gone back to work or was sipping coffee in a café with her best friend, Lexi.

  He’d lost track of how many times he’d picked up the phone and started to call her before stopping himself. He’d contact her after Henry’s first appointment with Rothman. Until then, he needed to get his head screwed on straight.

  “You look like hell.” Joey found him in the living room, ostensibly watching television. But it was white noise, he didn’t even know what show was playing in the background.

  She dried her hands on a dish towel. “You may want to think about shaving and showering. It’s past noon and you promised to go riding with Roni.”

  Ethan forced himself to adjust his recliner to a sitting position. “You going home?” She usually left around this time on Sundays to get a jump on the week. And frankly he wasn’t in the mood for her company.

  At least she’d backed off since the kiss. Lately, they seemed more distant than ever. She’d come to the house nearly every day this week but spent all her time with Roni.

  “Brynn left, huh?” She sat on the arm of the sofa adjacent to his chair, her eyes filled with what could only be described as pity. “I’m sorry, Ethan.”

  “Isn’t this what you wanted?” he asked flatly, trying to keep the edge out of his voice.

  She chewed her bottom lip, a habit he used to find endearing. Now though . . . nothing. “I thought it was,” she said. “But . . .”

  “But what?”

  She let out a deep sigh. “I guess I’m wondering if it’s my fault that she left.”

  He was feeling uncharitable enough to say yes but the fact was it wasn’t her fault. “Her life is in New York. That’s where her company is. But you already know that. So what’s your game here, Joey?”

  She flinched and he felt like a heel.

  “No game, Ethan. Can’t you just believe that I don’t want you to be miserable?” She rotated from the sofa arm to the chair next to his. “I’m trying to make amends . . . for the kiss . . . for everything.” She waited and when he didn’t respond said, “If I could take it back I would.”

  There was nothing to take back. If anything, the kiss had been a gut check that whatever they’d had together was lost. But he didn’t want to talk about the kiss, or anything else, right now. He wanted to be alone with his misery.

  “I think I’ll take that shower.” He swiftly rose to his feet and headed to the staircase. But halfway there, he stopped, whirled around and spat, “Brynn thinks I should work things out with you.”

  It wasn’t until he got to his bedroom that he questioned his motives for his outburst. Had he said it to stun her or to shut her up? Or perhaps he just wanted to get it out in the open and show Joey Brynn’s capacity for caring. Everywhere he looked Brynn had left an indelible piece of herself, including his heart.

  Joey burst through the doors. “I know you don’t love me anymore.”

  “Do you love me?” He held her gaze. “That’s the question you should be asking yourself.” He already knew the answer and suspected she’d known it for a long time, even before the divorce.

  She sat on the edge of his bed and buried her face in her hands. A long time passed in silence before she said, “I love you, Ethan. I’ll always love you, but I’m not in love with you.” She glanced up, her eyes teary. “I guess that’s what you’ve been trying to tell me all this time. It’s just that I thought what we had . . . companionship, admiration, a daughter we love . . . was good enough. But . . .”

  “But?”

  “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me.”

  He sat next to her on the bed. The room grew quiet and it took a long time for Joey to break the silence. “I deserve more.”

  “When did you come to this conclusion?” For him it had been the first night he and Brynn had made love in the barn.

  She blew out a breath. “I don’t know. The kiss on the front porch maybe.” She shrugged. “Probably even before that. And then there was the epiphany about pie.”

  He looked at her and hitched a brow.

  “It’s too complicated to explain.” She leaned back on her elbows and stared up at the ceiling fan. “In rehab we used to do this exercise in the middle of this big gymnasium where we sat on yoga mats, closed our eyes, and visualized our futures. I used to sit there in the darkness, trying with all my might to imagine what my life would be like. But no matter how hard I concentrated, I couldn’t see it. It was as elusive as a late-night dream you can’t remember in the morning. Instead, my mind always went to that first Christmas in our house in Reno when Roni was just starting to walk. The way she would hang on to the wrought iron stair railing and heft herself up, then let go with both hands. That victorious look on her face when she realized she was standing all on her own. Remember?”

  Of course he remembered.
How could he forget?

  “That one perfect memory got me through six of the hardest months of my life. I told myself that it could be like that again. And I mistakenly turned one idyllic slice of my past into the vision of my future. I know now that I can’t go back. I can only go forward. And other than having Roni in my life, I don’t know what my future holds. What I do know is that I want it filled with passion and desire and that heart pounding feeling when you’re crazy in love with someone. The feelings I think you and Brynn have. It would be wrong to settle for anything less.”

  Joey’s words surprised Ethan. They showed that her journey to sobriety had been more than simply getting clean.

  He looked at her, sadness filling his eyes. In so many ways he had let her down. “All I ever wanted was to be the best man I could be. The best father, the best husband, the best surgeon. I shouldn’t have walked away, Joey. I’m a doctor for God’s sake and I left you sick and broken.”

  “Oh Ethan.” Her lips curved in a tender smile. “Thank goodness you left. You did what was right for our daughter. I was too self-centered, too self-destructive to believe that at the time. You were the only adult in our relationship, the only one looking out for Roni’s best interests. I was looking out for me. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was my own narcissism. But if it wasn’t for you leaving, I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed.”

  He took a deep breath, so conflicted it made his head hurt. “I’m willing to compromise everything just to be with her. What kind of father . . . what kind of person . . . does that make me?”

  “It makes you a flesh and blood man, Ethan.” She gently touched his arm. “And in my eyes, you’re still the best. The best father, the best surgeon, and the best man I’ve ever known.”

  He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close, knowing that he’d remember this moment forever. “You’re pretty damn amazing, that’s what I know. And our daughter is lucky to have you.”

  Chapter 27