A Reason To Be: Book 1

by Maria Xystra

  He completely ignores me and pushing my t-shirt up he starts kissing his way from my belly to my groin. I instinctively bury my fingers in his hair and my body arches in response.

  The knock on the door shoots me to my senses bringing me back from my trance. Cole seems unfazed by the interruption as he hooks his fingers in the waistline of my shorts. I grab his hands to stop him. He drops his head on my belly for half a second and rolls to his back by my side.

  “Yo, lovebirds!” Tyler’s voice comes from the other side of the door. “Eric says to pick up your fucking phone!”

  He reaches for his phone to check who’s been calling and it starts ringing again.

  The timing couldn’t be more right. I straighten out my clothes and, with a great amount of effort, I manage to sit on the bed.

  “It’s Digit,” he says and gets off the bed to answer it.

  He keeps his tone casual as if he knows nothing about him stealing money. Unlike him, a turmoil of emotions attacks me, and I need to get away from him.

  I involuntarily slip to my white-jacket state of mind. Flashbacks of Marcus and my past find their way to the front of my thoughts and tangle with the word ‘fuckable’. You’re so stupid, Lex! What the fuck were you thinking? My logic scolds me rudely and I find no reason to defend my doing.

  I silently creep out of the bedroom. I rush down the stairs and out of the house, ignoring the other guys calling for me.

  Need to get out. Need to get away. Need to find myself and put an end to this fling with Cole that has no possible future. And trust me, it’s not because I deserve something better. On the contrary, he is the one that deserves so much more. If he had any idea about my past… if he knew about me…I won’t be able to take his look of utter disgust that will inevitably be thrown at me.

  Stomping through the woods, I reach a secluded spot at the edge of the lake. I turn to see Eric’s house on the far end and my eyes sting with tears. I drop on the ground and sob uncontrollably. I was so close to letting go and giving in… Too close.

  My need for him chokes me and lying back I let out a loud scream and once more, I cry my eyes out. About everything. About my life and the dreams I had in Florida. About the choice I never made but was left stung by. The life that was ripped out of my hands and shuttered into pieces. Everything I had…everything I’ve left behind…they took everything from me…they took it all…and marveled with pleasure. Leaving me dead and empty inside. Scarred. Damaged. And just like that, I reveal my true self to nature, where I know no one can see me.

  *****

  In the early hours of the day I drag my feet back to the lake house. Worn out by all the crying and the breaking down, I just want to dive in bed and sleep for a week. I climb up the stairs with much difficulty, trying not to wake up the boys who dropped dead in the living room.

  I slowly open the door to the bedroom and find Cole lying on the bed with his arms behind his head. Alarmed by my arrival, he shoots up into a sitting position. Oh boy, here we go.

  “Where were you?” he blurts out before I even take a step into the room.

  “Not now, Cole,” I shut him out with a sigh.

  He seems to be trying to decide whether to get off the bed or not. He stays there. I take off my shorts to put on my pajama bottoms.

  “Are we picking up where we left off?” he tries to elevate the tension by making a joke. Or so I hope.

  “I think we should just leave it as it is.”

  I take my time to get ready for bed.

  When I climb under the sheets he turns and puts his elbow on the pillow, resting his head on his palm. His eyes drill into me and I turn my back to him in defense.

  “Are you OK?” he asks me.

  “Hm-mm,” I reply casually.

  A moment later he asks again.

  “Are…are we OK?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I try to sound convincing. After all, it’s not his fault I flipped and left. And I definitely don’t want to lose him as a friend. ’Cause that’s all we can ever be.

  He lets go of a sigh and settles under the covers.

  “And don’t cocoon me again!” I try to joke and he simply chuckles.

  I feel his fingers brushing my hair and shut my eyes firmly closed.

  “Goodnight, Tipsy.”

  CHAPTER 28

  It might not have been a good night, but it definitely was a good sleep. I woke up to the sound of bikes – the couldn’t-be-any-more-annoying buzzing of them coming up the house. Cole’s presence by my side is signaled by his distinctive warmth and scent. A mixture of woods, spices, amber and leather – I still can’t believe I googled his cologne! His arm is draped over my waist. I fight the urge to snuggle tighter into his embrace.

  My decision is firm: staying away from him won’t be an easy task, but it’s the only solution. I’m not gonna try to change him and I’m not losing him as friend by screwing everything up and sleeping with him. My conscience is laughing at me sarcastically.

  I try to sneak out of bed silently but the minute my feet touch the floor, he notices and rolls over to my side with a sleepy groan. I tip toe around the room to find my stuff for the bathroom while he mumbles something from under the pillow.

  “Are you sneaking out on me, Tipsy?” he asks me with a deep, hoarse voice.

  Do you have to be that sexy when you wake up?’ I think to myself.

  “Did I wake you?” I ask him instead.

  “From what I’ve heard, morning sex is-”

  “Yeah, I’ve heard that too,” I cut him before finishing his sentence.

  He laughs and spreads his arms, stretching while he rolls to his back.

  “Whoa-whoa-whoaaa!!! What- wha-whaaaa-” I can’t find any words to express myself, so I stutter pointing vigorously to his morning …excitement.

  “Are you going camping???” I finally blurt out. He looks at me with a frown. “What’s with the tent?!?” I bring his attention to his erected manhood.

  “Do you wanna come with?” he teases me, but I can feel my face reddening with embarrassment.

  My resolution is firm. I turn in place ready to ignore him and head to the bathroom, but I change my mind. Resolution firm, my ass! I pivot slowly in place and crook my head, tossing my stuff on the bed.

  “Are you saying…that I should take you up on your offer…” I fidget with the hem of my – his – t-shirt as I slowly approach the bed, “and…I don’t know, maybe…have sex and get it out of our system?” I push my pajamas to the floor as I say that. Cole’s eyes travel hungrily down my legs.

  He nods not able to articulate.

  “And then, where do we go from there?” I ask him, not really waiting for an answer. “Do we just go back to ‘normal’? Back to fighting and pissing each other off every chance we get?”

  He remains silent, eyes focused on my bared skin.

  I feign contemplation and then whisper loudly, “I’ll pass.”

  He fights with the sheet, but I was ready for it, so I quickly grab my stuff and I’m already halfway across the room.

  “Damn you, Tipsy! One of these days you won’t be so lucky! …There she goes again. Giving me a small taste of heaven and then ‘poof’! Goes up in smoke! …God, help me… this woman…is driving me mental!”

  I hear him mumbling and cursing and without realizing it, I smile.

  After I take care of business, I stand by the door to listen for any sound and I register that every time I come into the bathroom, I’m afraid to go out. I raise my chin in defiance and draw the door open.

  The door to the bedroom is closed…and locked! Damn it!

  “Cole?” I try to keep my voice down.

  “Yeah, honey??” his voice comes from the living room.

  I spin around feverishly and wait for him to appear at the bottom of the stairs. I pull the t-shirt as low as it could go – aware of the lack of underwear beneath.

  “Why is the goddamn bedroom locked?” I demand.

  “Oh, is it? Well, the guys are her
e do you wanna come say hi?”

  “Open-the-door-now,” I warn him through clenched teeth.

  “Oh, come on, just say hi, they won’t mind you’re in your PJs!”

  I narrow my eyes at him and tap my foot on the floor.

  “Just say hi, don’t be rude!” he insists.

  Well, two can play that game, baby.

  “You know, you’re right, honey,” I let go of my t-shirt and smooth it out, “let me say hi!” I start making my way down the stairs.

  Cole’s expression turns into utter shock, and in a split second he’s already rushing up the steps, three at a time. His arms extended, blocking my descent.

  Grabbing me by the elbow, he unlocks the door and shoves me inside. OK, truth be told, if I weren’t a vampire, that would have hurt. I study his expression for a second and I can clearly spot the shift in his features. Realizing his grip is too tight, he loosens it and I theatrically yank my arm free.

  I can’t help but grin in satisfaction.

  “Well, thank you! That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” I throw at him in good humor. “I thought you wanted me to ‘hi’ your friends!”

  He turns his back at me and fumbles with the door lock.

  “Whoah! What are you trying to do?” I attack him in a high-pitched voice.

  Chuckling, he turns to me. “You don’t trust me much, do you?”

  “Of course I trust you… just not with me!”

  “You mean you don’t trust yourself with me?”

  Well, no. Obviously. “That’s…” so true, “not the point.”

  “Then, what’s the point?”

  “The point is…you need to get out, so, I can get dressed!”

  “Well, actually,” he moves further inside the room, “since I’m your boyfriend for the crowd out there, I can just stay here and watch.” He completes his threat by crossing his arms over his chest and gets comfortable leaning against the wall. “So, about last night…,” he starts, and I tense.

  Not ready to talk about it yet, I slip into the defensive and try to keep him at a distance.

  “Maybe it’s time to fix this boyfriend-girlfriend act.” I walk to the door and scream at the top of my lungs, “GET OUT!”

  “What are you doing?” he asks calmly, genuinely surprised, his tone laced with a hint of suspicion.

  “We’re having a fight,” I reply casually. “Don’t worry, I got this. I SAID GET OUT, RIGHT NOW!” I stifle a giggle and turn to him. “Well, say something!”

  “Why is it that every time we’re close to having a conversation about us, you shut me off?” he keeps his voice low, drilling me with his eyes.

  “Oh, that’s a good one!” I encourage him. “Now, try saying it louder and with more frustration!” Deflecting the ‘us’ topic is not as easy as I thought.

  His jaw muscle lets me know he doesn’t agree with the way I chose to handle this. I guess a heads-up would have been appreciated.

  “Fine, just remember that you asked for this,” he pushes off the wall and, before I fully comprehend what he means, he raises his voice and starts: “I’ve never met anyone as stubborn as you! You think you’ve got it all figured out and no one is allowed to climb that fortress you’ve built around yourself! You’re so cold-hearted, self-centered to the bone and so goddamn inconsiderate!”

  I blink at him multiple times, unable to respond. His outburst catches me completely off guard, and I can’t find any trace of joking in his expression.

  “What? Are you serious?” I whisper in pure shock.

  “You’re damn right I’m serious!”

  “I’m incon-?”

  “Yes! You never say what you truly want! You flee from your feelings. And you don’t even care if and how that affects anyone else!”

  Stunned by his accusations, I just stand still and look at him through eyes as wide as saucers. Once everything sinks in, I lower my gaze to the floor so that he won’t be able to see the hurt in my eyes, and clench my fists my side. “You’re right. Now, get. Out.”

  “I know I’m right! Now speak your goddamn mind!”

  “I have nothing to say to you,” my voice is low but filled with resentment.

  “Of course!” he leaves the room, slamming the door on his way out, cursing under his breath.

  It takes me a moment to move from where I stood. I violently shrug out of his t-shirt and throw it on the floor. I get dressed in pissed off mode and spend some time tidying up the room, needing to bring myself together before I face the gang. What the fuck just happened?

  There was no lie in his words. He wants me to say what I want? To tell him how I feel? How he makes me feel? How can I? And why would it matter to him? Isn’t this just another one of his games?

  I brace myself and wearily walk down the stairs to find Toy and Ty playing a videogame in the living room, while Sam is making sandwiches in the kitchen.

  “Heeeeeey Lexyyyyy!!!” the boys greet me and jumping off their seats, pull me into a barely-balanced group hug.

  “Hey guys, you OK?” my voice comes out muffled as I try to talk against someone’s arm.

  “Yeah, are you guys OK?” Ty goes straight to the point.

  “Do you need us to take care of the situation??” Toy slams his fist in his palm suggesting that he’s ready to kick some ass.

  “No, that’s fine,” I assure them.

  “Oh, thank God!” he lets out a sigh of relief, and hurries to get back to their videogame.

  I chuckle and go out on the porch. Half a dozen black bikes are parked next to the Beast, and the rest of the boys are gathered around them.

  “Hi, everyone!” they shoot their heads up and walk to me. All but Cole and Eric.

  Small talk with the gang didn’t take long and I’m sincerely happy to see all of them.

  Walking back inside I glance briefly at the two men in the background and while Eric vividly gestures in front of him, he stands with his arms crossed, never taking his eyes off me. I look away and join Sam in the kitchen.

  “We’re having a barbeque later, so just have a snack for now,” she informs me but I’m already preparing my much-needed breakfast: coffee.

  “So, are you…?” I ask her as we both go about our business, referring to her and Eric and whether they made up.

  “Yes. Are you…?” she silently asks me about me and Cole.

  “Nope.”

  “Did you…?” I know she wonders if we had sex.

  “Not exactly.”

  “But you wanted to…?”

  “Yes…,” I reply with a sigh.

  “But you didn’t…?”

  “No.”

  “So, now…?” she gives me a puppy-eyed look.

  “I know…”

  “Can you guys complete your-,” Toy asks from the couch.

  “No!” Sam and I reply in unison.

  “Sentences!!!!” Toy finishes frustrated.

  They’ve pressed pause and have been trying to listen to our conversation.

  “No one can eavesdrop on anyone in here!” Ty exclaims. “The others took it outside, you two are talking- well, aren’t actually talking! We can’t get the whole picture you know! Except for the fight upstairs! Aw!” he screams as Toy’s elbow is shoved in his ribs.

  “Dude!” he scolds him.

  “It’s OK,” I tell them, “it’s not like we tried to be discreet or anything.”

  They start their game again and pause it.

  “Just so you know,” Ty turns to me, “we don’t think you’re self-centered. Or inconsiderate. Or… you know.”

  I smile at them, finding the fact that he can’t even say ‘cold-hearted’ quite cute. When they press play again, Toy pauses it once more.

  “It’s not like we heard everything,” he tries to reassure me apologetically.

  “Right,” I press my lips together and leave it at that.

  I sense his presence before he even enters the room. I lift my eyes and see his figure coming through the front door. My insides clench
at the sight of him. I swallow hard as he comes closer to me while looking for something. I try to catch his eye, but he intentionally avoids me.

  I would have never been one to bow my head and make amends. Up until now, I’ve never cared what anyone thought of me, and I’ve never admitted I was wrong in a fight, even if that was true. I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t care. Or at least, I didn’t use to. Up until now, that is. Having Cole not even look at me makes me feel like something is missing. And it just feels weird. And wrong. I nearly choke at the need to bridge the gap between us and set things straight.

  But then again…isn’t that what I wanted? To put some distance between us? I should be OK with that, right? Then why do I feel like shit?

  For once, just once I want to turn off my thoughts and not analyze every single thing. I want to just do whatever the hell my impulse tells me.

  “Can I talk to you?” I address him as he passes me by. Still not making eye contact, he shuffles through stuff.

  “Not now,” he simply says.

  I sigh, in an effort to contain myself not to start another fight. Sam and I exchange glances and I turn to him, determined to make him talk to me.

  “Look, I know-”

  “Not now, Lexy,” he cuts me off. He puts his phone in the back pocket of his jeans and casts a threatening look towards the couch. Toy and Ty return to their game in a rush. “Keys, Ty.”

  Without even glancing back, Ty throws his keys to Cole, who catches them with ease in the air, on his way out.

  I hear the sound of bikes fading away, as I make my way to the porch. I settle on the table and Eric joins me.

  We both sit there silent for a while, sipping our drinks and checking our phones.

  “I’ve never seen him like this, you know,” he starts in a low voice.

  “Like what? Riding a bike?” I attempt to joke. He chuckles and shakes his head.

  “He doesn’t usually give a fuck,” he says glancing at Cole riding away on Ty’s bike.

  “About what?”

  “About a woman!” Eric turns back to me.

  I chuckle nervously, surprised by the fact that he is talking to me as if I am his friend’s girlfriend.