A Reason To Be: Book 1

by Maria Xystra

  The sudden opening of the door interrupts my reverie and I turn around to find Sam barging into my office.

  “Hey you stupid ho!” she greets me and walks straight to the meeting table on which she places a take-away bag.

  “What are you doing here?” I join her reluctantly.

  “I brought you lunch,” she unloads the goodies from the bag to reveal a wide selection of sushi rolls. She pauses for a minute and examines me with her eyes. I feel like I’m being scanned with x-ray vision.

  “What?” I try to sound nonchalant but it’s a lost cause with her.

  “Nothing,” she shrugs and takes a seat next to me. “I’ll just sit here, waiting to hear the best excuse you can think of.”

  I consciously avoid eye contact with her and start eating.

  “Sooo,” she skillfully finds a way to push me, “do you feel like sharing?”

  I pass on the joke about already sharing the rolls with her. And she notices, of course.

  “Tsk,” she clicks her tongue and gives me an expectant look.

  I remain silent for a while, not because I don’t wanna tell her, but because I try to find the point from which to begin.

  “Look,” she starts again, “I can tell that something’s wrong. Call it instinct, call it intuition… hell! Call it best-friend-ism, I just know. And I need you to tell me what the hell is going on, ’cause I know you feed on despair just like leeches feed on blood!”

  “Are you calling me a leech?” I tease her.

  “Stop deflecting!” she scolds me. “Just tell me what happened… It has to do with Cole, doesn’t it?”

  I give her a sideways glance.

  “Of course, it does,” she confirms. “So, what happened? Come ooooonnnn… I’m supposed to be your best friend you know!”

  I take a deep breath and defeated, I drop the bomb.

  “I slept with Cole.”

  Sam blinks frantically and tries to swallow her roll.

  She turns to me in super-slow-wide-eyed movement and I roll my eyes while reaching for a water bottle from the middle of the table.

  “OK…” Sam squints her eyes at me, unsure of how to proceed with the information. “And, I take it from your reaction, that it’s a bad thing?” she asks me perplexed.

  “It’s the worst thing that could have happened!” I retort.

  “Is that why you went AWOL on us?” she wonders. “Was the sex that bad?” she tries to lighten the mood.

  “Oooooh, no. God, no. The sex was…” I search for the right words to say but everything seems inadequate. “Oh, my.” I shake my head in disbelief and join Sam in her nervous giggles as we both blush and grin at each other.

  “So, what’s wrong?” she turns to me sincerely and pleads me for me to share my concerns with her.

  “It’s so complicated, Sam…” I slump in my chair. “I woke up next to him, and it was like heaven. For a few, cherished moments I smiled to myself and I haven’t been that happy in a really long time. It was bliss, it was paradise, but it was also a dream. And just like dreams, it didn’t last long. It was like the ground started collapsing underneath me and all my fears washed over me at once. I tried so hard to hold on, but the darkness around me turned into this huge, black hole and consumed everything good.”

  Sam gives me her undivided attention.

  “All that happiness turned into fear. My demons came back to haunt me, and my instincts screamed at me to get away from there. And so I did. I grabbed my stuff and crept out. Once again, I ran.”

  “Do you…” Sam hesitates. “Don’t you think it might be time to stop running from your fears? Stop trying to get away from the demons of your past and find the strength to stand your ground and fight back?”

  Her words are powerful. Insulting maybe, but she’s right. That’s the truth; the raw and ugly truth. I’ve never had the strength to face my fears. Or maybe I haven’t had the will. Either way, I’ve always run from them, but they never really went away.

  “All I’m saying is,” she continues, “that maybe it’s time for you to make new choices and change your chances. Now, that there’s someone worth fighting for. Let him be your reason… Your reason for living, for hoping, let him be your salvation!”

  I hear what she’s saying and even though it’s hard for me to find anything to debate, Sam has no way of knowing how I feel and what an emotional turmoil this has all been for me. I cross my hands over the table and burry my head in them.

  “Just think about it hon,” she places her hand on mine in comfort. “…Have you talked to him since then?”

  “No,” I answered in a muffled voice but then shot up my head. “Well, not really. I took one of his calls today – he’s been calling me nonstop since Sunday. But we didn’t talk-talk… He just told me about Digit. And Alex.”

  “Alex? What about him?” her tone shifts noticeably.

  “He said I should stir clear of him.”

  “Well, duh! You’re not still seeing him, are you?”

  “No… I’m dodging his calls, too,” I inform her. “And I don’t think I’ll ever see him again,” I shrug to emphasize my indifference even though I know deep inside that whatever Alex and Digit are up to, is definitely not over. Cole might have said he cleared the situation with Digit, but something tells me we haven’t seen the end of it yet.

  Sam left me with a load of empty food boxes, a load of paperwork I’ve fallen behind on and a whole load of things to ponder on.

  CHAPTER 35

  “Could you at least put on a smile just for the sake of it? We’re going to a birthday party, not a funeral!” Sam complains as soon as I enter her car.

  “Sorry, I left my smile in my other jeans,” I attempt a joke.

  “Well, could you at least try for Hans’s sake? He’ll be devastated if you mope around on his special day…”

  “I’m not moping around!” I deflect.

  “Yeah, right!” she starts. “You’re-”

  “Can we not do this now please?” I plead with her avoiding eye contact.

  She remains silent for a while.

  “Have you had any blood lately? You look like…shit,” she points out.

  “Thanks, friend! …I’ve had other things on my mind lately…”

  “Do you wanna have a bite?” she offers me her wrist.

  An intense feeling swirls inside me as the need for blood rises within me. I shake out of it, aware that if I drink now, it will take me three days to get out of the trance. Has it really been that long since I sated myself?

  “Maybe on the drive back…” I kindly move her hand away.

  Drawing in a deep breath, she starts again.

  “Have you considered what we talked about the other day? You did notice I haven’t bugged you the last couple of days, right?”

  “Yeah, I noticed! Must have been really hard for you, huh?” I chuckle.

  “You bet your sorry ass it was!”

  “Sam… I’m really sorry for laying all this on you...”

  “Pf,” she simply comments and waits for me to talk.

  “I’ve given it some thought… Well, a lot of thought to be honest… I just… I don’t really know what to say to him, you know? …The only way out of this mess, out of this dead end is to tell him the truth,” I admit to her. “Or move out of town,” I add sarcastically.

  “Well, why don’t you?” she prompts me. “Not move out obviously, tell him the truth.”

  “It’s not that simple. And you know it…” I shake my head, “I can’t do this …I can’t- I won’t drag him down-”

  “Why are you so sure you’re gonna drag him down?” she tries to pull me out of my spiraling. “He’s a grown man, if you just sit and talk to him, explain to him how things are, I’m sure -and I’ve told you this before- if there’s one person who can handle this, that’s him.”

  “…Give me one good reason why… Why should I unload this on him, how can I do this to him?”

  “Because you’ve fallen!” />
  “Fallen?”

  “In love, Lex! With him! You can’t run away from this! Besides, I know you think that it’s the most selfish thing you could do-”

  “Well, it is!”

  “No, it’s not!” she reprimands me. “You’ll be doing it for him, too. He has the right to know… You haven’t seen the way he’s been since that night! But I have! And he’s a wreck. He conceals it so the others don’t notice, but I know it’s been eating at him!”

  “Well that’s more reason not to tell him, Sam! He’s given me the best night of my life! The best memories! And what have I got to give him in return? Pain? Disgust? Reasons to hate me?”

  “How about reasons to get to know you for real? To understand you? Don’t you see? He’s head over heels for you and he deserves to know!”

  I shake my head furiously in response.

  “Why do you always have to assume the worst possible scenario?” she accuses me and parks the car.

  I get out and slam the door, a bit too forcefully than I intended.

  “Because I’ve been through the worst possible scenario!”

  She gives me a tight-lips response and chooses to end the discussion there. Good.

  We carefully walk the short distance to the entrance of ‘Sleepless’. High heels are a vicious device.

  “What are you gonna do if he’s here tonight?”

  “I don’t know…hide?” I lift the spirits with a tiny attempt at a joke.

  We giggle at my comment and pass by the queue of people waiting to get into the club. Having a reservation saved us quite the trouble judging from the number of people waiting outside.

  When we reach the giant at the door, I give him Hans’ name. Without even checking his list, he lifts the rope and grants us access. “Enjoy your night, Ms. Davis,” he smiles and I recognise him as ‘Wardrobe’ who’s been accompanying Cole to AMC.

  “Thanks…” I discreetly ask for his name.

  “Frederick.”

  “Thanks, Frederick,” I smile warmly back at him, entering the club.

  And just about then, I completely lose track of all my thoughts by the loud noise.

  The music coming from the speakers vibrates through my chest and I’m seriously considering turning back and leaving.

  But then I see Hans, and I’m instantly over it.

  All was well. The shots kept on coming, there was constantly a drink in my hand and the dancing never stopped. I caught myself having so much fun; a lot more than I expected.

  And then, the drink in my hand felt heavy. My feet suddenly felt nailed to the floor. A cold shiver travelled down my spine. The air was sucked out of the room and my smile dropped. He’s here.

  I didn’t think he would show up, but in reality, I hoped that he would. I wanted to see him. I needed to see him.

  Cole starts making his way towards us. I will my gaze away from him but to no effect. I watch as he waltzes through the crowd, greeting people while doing so. The music is muted and the only sound that comes to my ears is the upbeat thudding of my heart. I’m not sure if I want to run aw- no, I’m positive I want to run away but my body fails me.

  He greets Sam with a kiss on the cheek and moves towards Hans to wish him happy birthday.

  I realize he’s purposefully delaying our encounter and I try to keep my eyes anywhere but on him. I spend a few hours looking at my shoes and then force my head up again.

  Cole goes around the table to greet everyone and, unfortunately, that gives me time to contemplate the last time I saw him. I replay the scene in my mind for the hundredth time. How I woke up while he was still sleeping, how I tuned into the dead silence and got up, went downstairs and put on my dress. How I closed the door behind me without thinking twice. Now, wait, that’s not entirely true. I got so swamped by the incidents of the night before and all the things I pushed away while I was with him, I felt like my head was gonna burst and I was going to have a glorious breakdown. I thought I was sparing him all the drama that inevitably follows me and so, I did what I do best: I fled.

  But now, I can’t help but thinking that I might have been wrong to do so. Could I really confide in him and foster this faint hope of a future? I swear, ever since I met this man, my mind won’t stop thinking, questioning, double-guessing every move I make. And that’s not how I used to function. Everything used to be simple, planned out. Now I do nothing but doubt myself.

  “Hey,” he leans over the table right next to me and nudges my arm with his.

  “Hey,” I mirror his greeting with a nudge of my own.

  He plays with his drink and I sense he’s just as uncomfortable as I am. So, how can I start this? With an apology?

  “How have you been?” he asks with genuine concern.

  “Pretty much the same, how ‘bout you?”

  He nods his head and then realization hits me. This guy has turned my life upside down, he’s challenged me in ways no one else has, and for the love of God he’s seen me naked! We drove each other to the edge of pleasure and we were rather shameless about it! Why the hell are we being so awkward around each other now? It’s like we’re on a first date with a random person where pointless questions try to break through the ice. A nervous laughter washes over me and I shake my head.

  “What?” he smiles back at me.

  “This is not us!” I state with certainty and turn my body towards him. “I hate being like this with you… I can’t stand us being awkward… I want us to talk and joke and fight and… you know…” I trail off.

  “Know what?” he feigns innocence and casually sips his drink.

  I backslap his shoulder.

  “Have sex!” I scream cockily, happy that I was not fazed by the words this time. However, the music changing right at that moment was definitely not in my favor. All eyes were on me – I might as well have stripped down to my underwear and danced on the table. Instinctively, I cover my face with my palms and burry myself in his chest, completely embarrassed. He brushes a hand over my hair and I can tell he’s laughing from the shaking of his body.

  I’m so glad I broke the ice and we’re sort of back to being ‘Colex’. Yeah, that’s Cole and Lex together.

  I punch his chest playfully to stop him from laughing at my fail. Once wasn’t enough so I kept teasing him until he abruptly locks my wrist in his grip and pulls me flash against him.

  “If you keep doing that, I might ignore the fact that we’re in a public place,” he warns me. I realize – rather late – that my unintended descent of punches to his abdomen have made him hard. I step back and search his face, feeding my lust on the want in his eyes.

  Cole collides forcefully with me and hurries to press his lips against mine. I kiss him back with the full power of my emotions, with everything that’s been holding me back shuttering into pieces, giving him my all. All my worries disappeared the moment I talked to him. And just like that, this man sweeps me off my feet. And this kiss, it’s like a first kiss, a long-anticipated union. And right here, right now, while we consume each other in the middle of a crowd, it means so much more. It feels like so much more. A kiss filled with passion, desire, lust, accepting, claiming, admitting, and apologizing. This is the kiss, the king of kisses.

  A moment later he pauses and joins our foreheads while we both gasp for air, too worked up by the fire ignited. He traces his fingers over my cheek and as I hold his head close, I lean to his ear. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Don’t you ever leave me again,” he asks of me.

  My heart contracts in my chest.

  “I’m sorry I-” I start to say but halting me with a finger, he places a soft kiss on my lips.

  “Will you wait for me? After closing, I mean. Stay…and I’ll drive you home.”

  I nod affirmatively and bite back a grin that spreads across my face from the joy inside me. He kisses me briefly again and steps back to let Sam stand between us.

  “Sorry to interrupt- no, I’m not! Where’s your boyfriend?” she asks Co
le and I can tell – for whatever reason – her patience has run out.

  “Sorry, Sam, Eric needs to be at ‘Vault’ tonight…”

  “Pff, of course he does,” she comments bitterly.

  As soon as Cole excuses himself and leaves us, I turn to her.

  “What was that all about?” I know I’ll regret asking but just because things with Cole are looking up, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t care about how things are going with her and Eric. And I’ve been the worst friend this week, I haven’t even asked about her issues. So, I cautiously decide to let volcano Sam erupt.

  And it does. For about half an hour, she complains about how Eric ditches her and how he always ‘has to go’ when his phone rings.

  “And you know what? I wouldn’t mind at all if he had just said something! I mean, I’m your person – or so you keep saying – and you don’t tell me where you’re going? Or why? Does that make any sense to you?” she asks me as we give our glasses to the waiter.

  Everyone in the club is long gone by now; everyone except the staff, who get on with their closing duties, not minding our company. I scan around and verify that we’re the only guests left. Hans has already said his goodbyes, warning me that he might still be hung over on Monday.

  “Maybe you should talk to him…” I suggest. Sam starts to say something, but I interrupt her. “And I don’t mean shout at him and hold grudges, ’cause I’m sure that’s how you’re dealing with it!”

  “Oh, and that’s how you’re dealing with Cole, is it?”

  “Cole and I may be keeping some things to ourselves but if something bothers us we bring it on, we fight and get it out of our system.” I can’t believe a few hours ago I was in despair and Sam was comforting me and now I’m actually giving her advice, providing my dysfunctional relationship with Cole as an example. “You’ve just gotta find a way- find your way of resolving issues like this. Maybe he needs some time to let you in. I’m sure he’ll tell you what’s going on when he’s ready.”

  “I know… God, I hate it when you’re right. It’s just…we’re practically living together now, and I don’t wanna be overbearing and interrogating him about his whereabouts but…I need to know, you know?”