BOMB

by Danielle James

  I cleaned up the evidence of my lust and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t hide from the scorching heat of shame painted on my features. It wasn’t just from the jerk session I had over a woman I didn’t even know, it was from the fact that I gave in to my weakness and ended up at a bar. If I never gave in to the pressure of life I wouldn’t have ended up at The Baccarat Bar staring down a woman I wanted to impale with my cock.

  With an aggravated grunt, I jammed the heel of my hand down on the faucet and stopped the flow of water. My mind was running wild with contradictory thoughts and the only thing that quieted the unrest was praying and going the hell to sleep.

  I prayed that my resolve would be stronger the next time I had to deal with Kim. I prayed that I could go another three years being sober and then another three and another. I prayed that I would stop beating myself up over losing control tonight and lastly, I prayed that I would stop lusting over Miss Red Dress.

  Then I went to sleep.

  ***

  After the night I fell off the wagon, I threw myself into work and church. I created a bible challenge for the youth group that would start in December and I started figuring out how to pair them with partners. I wanted to foster an environment of friendship and community.

  I wanted to forget my own demons.

  Devoting myself to others was how I planned to do that.

  I tried to call Kim to tell her I was sorry for yelling at her when I was at the airport but she wouldn’t answer the phone. I called day after day and still nothing. It tested my patience but I kept calling.

  I even tried to send her messages on Instagram and Facebook but she blocked me on every damn platform. My composure was whittling away quickly. I felt like a birthday candle under a blowtorch. All I wanted was to see Brianna. Even a Facetime call would have been nice.

  After Wednesday’s bible study, I found solace in my office. I wasn’t even doing anything, just absorbing the silence and trying not to lose my shit over not being able to get in contact with the mother of my child.

  When Pax strolled in with a glassy sheen over his dark eyes I sighed and tipped back in my chair. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Even him.

  “Cyrus, what the fuck has been up with you lately, man?” He’d been calling me for days but I pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. I had to get myself together.

  “I’ve been working on myself,” I told him.

  “You’ve been hiding and beating yourself up for falling off the wagon. I know you. You think the world will melt to its goddamn core if you have a little slip-up. Newsflash, Cy…you’re not a saint.”

  “I know that, Pax!” I exploded in a burst of prickly heat that scrubbed the back of my neck. I rolled my shoulders hoping to release some of the tension then I apologized. He didn’t deserve my blow up. He held his hands up and sat in the chair across from my desk. “I can’t get in touch with Kim. She has me blocked on all social media. I just want to talk to Bri, man. I want to nail down some dates for them to come to New York next month. That’s it. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I’m not even going to get to see my daughter.” The weight of the world pushed against my shoulder blades and it burned like hell.

  Pax exhaled heavily and pulled out his phone. “She has you blocked,” he said, a sly smile curving his mouth up. “Not me.”

  He was right.

  The realization sat me up bolt right. I rattled off Kim’s info and Pax looked her up on Facebook first. I got to see pictures of Bri from the past week and my heart squeezed in my chest. That little girl was my world and I’d only seen her three times.

  Her features were carbon copies of Kim’s but that didn’t bother me any. I still wanted to kiss her chubby cheeks and listen to her giggle when I tickled her tummy. I wanted to be a part of her life more than I wanted my next breath.

  “You said Kim’s mom was in the hospital, right?” Pax broke apart my trance. I was so busy staring at Brianna’s pictures that I didn’t notice anything else.

  “Yeah, last week when she was supposed to come up here, she said her mom was in the hospital.” Pax shook his head and switched over to Instagram then scrolled down her page.

  Every picture from the past week was of Kim and some man I’d never seen before. He was covered in tattoos from his forehead to his knuckles. I stopped looking when I saw pictures of him kissing Brianna on the cheek.

  I stalked over to the other side of the office. It was a quick trip since the space wasn’t too big. I had to shift around the energy buzzing inside of me.

  “Yo, you need to look at this shit, Cy.” Pax stood up and shoved his phone in my face but I turned my head.

  “I don’t want to see it. I’ve seen enough.”

  “Nah, you need to see this shit.” A reluctant sigh filled the space between us as I took his phone in my hand. “Is that Kim’s mom? I mean she looks just like Kim.” The pictures I saw were definitely of Kim’s mom. I’d seen plenty of pictures of her holding Brianna when she was first born.

  The woman on Instagram wasn’t in the hospital though. She didn’t look sick. She didn’t even look tired. There were countless pictures of her on the playground with Brianna looking like a bigger kid than my daughter.

  The space between my brows creased and pressure mounted in my head. “This doesn’t look like a woman who just left the hospital or had a biopsy or anything else,” Pax grunted.

  “Well, people don’t wear badges that tell you when they’re sick.” I was really trying to reason with myself. Not Pax. He was only saying what was really going on in my mind.

  “Fuck that, Cy. You see this shit with your own eyes. Kim is out here going wild. She’s keeping you from your daughter, messing with another motherfucker that she has around your daughter, she’s taking your money, and lying to you about it. Stop the holy shit and be real.” It took a lot for Pax to get pissed off but he was livid. We were brothers and the one thing he couldn’t stand was when people took advantage of my kindness.

  “You’re on this journey to being a better person and shit but I remember the old Cyrus. I remember when you were a savage. Kim doesn’t know that side of you but it needs to come back out. Take her ass to court. Stop this turn-the-other-cheek bullshit.” Hearing him talk about the old me made the center of my chest churn with nostalgia.

  He was right again. I used to be ruthless with women and everyone else but once I realized I didn’t have to be that way and that I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone, I changed. Having Brianna with Kim was a slip-up but it was one of those things that had to happen to keep me on the right path.

  “I’m not taking Kim to court. Have you been talking to my mother?” I frowned at him.

  “Nah, but maybe I should. At least Miss Liz has sense. You’re out of your fucking mind.”

  “Yo, Pax chill with all the cursing in church. Come on now.” I pled with him and sat down behind my desk again. I had to re-center myself before I let anger pull me away.

  “My bad, Pastor.” He cracked a smile and sat down across from me. “You know I’m right though. Savage Cyrus needs to come back.”

  “Savage Cyrus is dead and gone. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone. I just want to see my kid.”

  “You think that’s going to happen dealing with a bird like Kim? She already has your daughter around some random asshole.” Pax blew out a puff of air and shook his head. “Clearly I can’t get through to you but you need to take her ass to court and see if you can get custody of Brianna.”

  “I’m not going to take her away from her mother. I just want to see Bri and have a better relationship with her.”

  “You should be able to do that but there’s no negating with a ho, Cy.” I shot him a warning look and he held his palms out in surrender. I might not have made the best choice when it came to the mother of my child but that didn’t mean I’d let anyone disrespect her.

  “I’ll figure it out,” I insisted.

  “
How when all you’ve been doing for the past week is avoiding everything outside of work and church?” I’d heard enough of Pax right then. I flexed my jaw repeatedly so I didn’t hurl obscenities at my best friend. “I’m gonna stop fucking with you. I’m sorry…I’m gonna stop messing with you, Pastor Cyrus. I know how you get when I keep bothering you. I want you to at least think about the things I said though…minus calling Kim a ho.” Flipping him off probably wasn’t the holiest thing to do in church but it happened.

  When Pax left, I sat there for a moment trying to process what I saw on Kim’s Instagram. She had another man around my daughter. She’d never mentioned having a man before. I wouldn’t have cared if she did because I tossed out the idea of being in a relationship with her but it would have been considerate for her to at least tell me she had someone who would be around our child.

  “Hey, Pastor. I just wanted to check on you. You disappeared to your office after youth group and I haven’t seen you emerge.” Jennifer smiled at me and sat in the same chair Pax had been in moments ago.

  “I’m okay. Thanks for checking on me, Jen.” She made sure to lean over far enough so I could see down her blouse. I wasn’t interested right then so I locked onto her eyes instead. Besides, no woman could come close to being as sexy as Miss Red Dress.

  One thought about her and my dick was thickening and pressing against the fly of my slacks. I adjusted myself under the desk and glanced up at the crucifix on my wall.

  “You know I have to check on you. You’re my favorite pastor,” she grinned.

  “You just like flirting with me,” I chuckled. Jennifer’s brown eyes widened as she looked at me. Her cheeks turned a soft red then she cleared her throat.

  “You’re so humble, Pastor.”

  “I never claimed to be,” I shrugged.

  “So, you wanna take me up on that dinner yet, Mr. Arrogant?” She slid her tongue along her top lip and I swallowed my laughter. When women tried too hard it was an instant turn off. I liked women who were effortlessly bad. I’d bet anything that she popped open a few buttons on her blouse before she knocked on my office door.

  “Now you know we can’t fraternize, Jen,” I said, lifting an eyebrow at her.

  “I’ve never heard that rule and I’ve been at Cross Point for three years.” She pursed her full lips together and stared me down waiting for a response.

  “It doesn’t have to be a rule. It’s a guideline that should be followed.” I stood up and grabbed my coat from the rack near the door.

  “So in other words, you have a girlfriend?”

  “No. I just don’t mix business with pleasure.” I slid my arms in the sleeves of my coat and Jennifer’s eyes turned hungry.

  “You must be still be messing around with your daughter’s mother then. I understand. I get it.” I could tell she was comforting herself. I offered her a smile and she sucked in a quick breath as if smiling were a lethal thing to do.

  “Lord help me,” she muttered, looking up at the ceiling. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving, Pastor?”

  “Heading to my parents’ house. I’ll probably stop by here first though. What about you?” I asked, holding the office door open for her. She switched her hips past me and I smirked a bit while I watched her ass. She had nothing on Miss Red Dress.

  I couldn’t get that woman out of my head. I’d only seen her once in passing and she was already driving me crazy.

  “I was going to cook a little something and hang out by myself. My door is always open if you wanna stop by.” I ran my palm over my hair and laughed.

  “You just don’t stop do you, Jen?”

  “Look, I work in a church. Where else am I going to find a good man if not here?”

  “I get it,” I nodded. “I’m just interested in being a dad right now though, sweetheart. I’m not dating,” I explained gently. Jennifer was pretty in a plain way. A way that was understated and quiet. There was nothing wrong with her but she wasn’t for me.

  “That’s respectable, Pastor. Whoever gets their hooks into you is gonna be lucky,” she sang before heading to her car. I made sure she got in safely then I got in mine and cranked the volume all the way up on my Outkast playlist. It was the only way I could think of to relax.

  Every damn song that played reminded me of the very thing I shouldn’t have been thinking about though.

  Miss Red Dress.

  Those whiskey brown eyes and plump lips painted red. I wondered what her neck tasted like on a late night after the moon had been shining in the sky. I wondered what her pussy tasted like on a winter night where it was freezing outside but lava hot at her core.

  I blinked a few times and tried to shake her but she was sticky like honey. Like bubblegum.

  When I got home, I tried to call Kim again to no avail. Every call went straight to voicemail. How was I supposed to be cordial and remain calm when my child was being kept from me intentionally?

  The teddy bear I bought Brianna sat on my kitchen counter. Every time I glanced at it, my heart slipped further down in my chest. When I walked past her pale pink Shimmer and Shine room, my heart cracked and pieces chipped off leaving a trail behind me.

  ***

  Bellamy

  I was down to my last four thousand dollars and none of the credit cards Leonard gave me worked anymore. I had to leave The Baccarat. Not before I called Leonard and cursed him out one last time.

  “Bellamy, I can’t talk right now,” he whispered.

  “Fuck that shit. I should find you and beat your ass. Why didn’t you at least give me a heads up that Katie cut off my cards? You know, the woman who’s supposed to be your ex-wife?” I shouted into the phone as I hastily packed my things back into suitcases and trash bags.

  “I’m sorry, okay? I promised her I’d cut you off totally. Why do you think I gave you the cash? She can’t track that. Listen, you can’t call this number anymore. If I can, I’ll reach out to you.”

  “Leonard, did you ever fucking love me?” I paused and stood upright fixing my fists to my hips. I don’t even know why I asked him that question. It wasn’t like I loved him and was heartbroken when we ended.

  “Let’s not do this right now, Belle,” he pled quietly.

  “Katie must be there, huh?” A smirk lifted one side of my mouth. I cleared my throat and spoke in a voice that would definitely be heard by anyone even walking by Leonard. “You should go ahead and divorce his ass, Katie! He’s a piece of trash!”

  “Stop it, Bellamy,” he growled. “You’re being childish.”

  “I’m being childish but you’re kissing up to the wife that you told me you couldn’t stand. You’re telling her you’re done with me and god knows what else just to avoid an actual divorce. If you were a real man you would have let her go. She doesn’t deserve to be strung along by you.”

  “Goodbye, Belle.” He ended the call and I was left standing there with my head pounding and rage coursing through my veins.

  In a fit of wild and unpredictable anger, I ripped the sheets and blankets from the king-sized bed and tossed them on the floor. The pounding didn’t stop though. I trashed the suite tossing lamps and clocks to the floor along with anything else I could get my hands on. I’d become unhinged.

  By the time I was done, I was out of breath and trying not to cry. I hit rock bottom. I had nowhere to go. I had to look for my grandmother and cross my fingers extra hard that she was alive and sane.

  I sat on the floor in the midst of the chaos I created and turned on Hardcore, Lil Kim’s first album. Then I started searching for a grandmother that may or may not have really existed.

  I started on Facebook because it seemed to be where lots of old people gathered. I was a pro at finding people on social media. I searched for Joan using my mother’s last name, Jordan. It was a shot in the dark but I had to start somewhere.

  It turned up nothing.

  It felt like I was walking around in a dark room with only a match for illumination. Joan wasn’t on any social media
. Maybe she was dead? Maybe she was some kind of recluse that didn’t know how to use a computer?

  A low growl pushed through my chest and I flopped back on the floor steeped in frustration. It scratched against my nerves like a wool sweater.

  Pay for a background search, Bellamy.

  The thought made me sit straight up. My fingers flew over the keyboard, clicking with furious speed. Going through one of those people finder sites was only twenty bucks, plus I got a background check.

  My heart squeezed in my chest putting pressure on my breastbone. The anticipation was far too much. I scrolled and saw dead end after dead end looking for Joan Jordan. My heart squeezed tighter with each second. My knee bounced up and down fervently as I came to the end of the last search page.

  There was nothing promising. My hopes of finding my grandmother and having somewhere to stay for a while were being decimated. I chewed on my bottom lip and stared at the computer screen. There were no more results to sift through for Joan Jordan.

  Maybe my mother was making things up when I was little. Maybe Joan Jordan was a figment of her drug-riddled imagination.

  Unless…

  My grandmother’s last name wasn’t Jordan. My mother didn’t know who her father was but maybe Joan knew and maybe she gave my mother her father’s last name instead of her own. I had a renewed sense of hope as warmth trickled down my wrists and into my fingertips.

  I searched my mother’s name instead.

  Crystal Jordan turned up tons of results and every result had the name Joan Harrison attached to it. Motherfucking bingo.

  Joan Harrison was alive and well and she lived about twenty miles away from The Baccarat. I shut the laptop and hopped up in a rush. I had to go find her. Finding her was my last chance at having a roof over my head.

  What the hell was I supposed to wear to meet my grandmother though? I’d never seen this woman before in my life. I didn’t know if she was laid back or uptight and first impressions were everything.

  Why the hell were all my clothes so tight and short? I mean they were absolutely amazing but still.