“That’s a good thing now?” I laughed.
“Yeah. You act like a lil’ bitch about talking like an adult now so whenever I see you reverting, I cheer you on from the sidelines.”
“You’re like the little devil on my shoulder.”
“I do what I can,” he nodded. “So she’s in your youth group. Shit…how do you concentrate?” I started to give a canned response about willpower but it made me realize that as usual, Pax was right. I’d turned into a masked version of myself.
I had no idea how to straddle the line without losing myself to one side or the other.
“It’s hard,” I admitted.
“I bet,” Pax sighed. “You’re really feeling her aren’t you?”
“There’s something about her, man. I don’t know if it’s how gorgeous she is or how guarded she is. She’s a puzzle.”
“Figure that shit out because yall click.”
“There’s definitely a spark but I’m still not pursuing it. She has too much on her plate to add me and I have too much on my plate to add her. It’s gonna have to be a mutual attraction that never goes anywhere.” Saying those words made my throat thick.
“You’re brain is a fucking ball of confusion. I can’t talk to you,” Pax laughed and picked up the PlayStation controller. “Madden. Let’s go.”
“Don’t bitch out when I beat your ass,” I warned. Pax cracked a smile and turned on the console.
We played Madden for a few hours before my phone rang and we paused. I almost cracked my screen answering the call once I saw it was Kim. “Hello?” I said, pressing the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Cy.” She said in a saccharine tone that pissed me off.
“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you for two weeks, Kim. You have me blocked every-fucking-where.” I lost every ounce of chill I had.
“You need to calm the fuck down,” she snapped.
“I need to calm the fuck down? You were a no show on Thanksgiving. The you took my money and blocked me everywhere. I’m pissed off, Kim. I don’t give a damn about talking to you. I want to talk to my daughter.”
“I was going through some things, okay? I told you my mother has been sick.” She was full of shit because I signed into Pax’s account and checked Kim’s accounts regularly. Her mother was doing fine. She was in every picture with Brianna along with that new motherfucker she had around my child.
“Cut the bullshit, Kim. I’m sick of this.”
“Wow, where is all this aggression coming from? I’m not sure I want Bri around you while you’re like this. You need to work some things out and we can talk about her visiting you after the New Year.” I rubbed my forehead so hard I thought I’d erase all memory of Kim for a minute. It was a nice thought while it lasted.
“Do you know how hard it is not to take you to court and nail you to the wall? I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but you keep proving to me why I shouldn’t. All I want to do is co-parent our child.” I exhaled and tried to bring my level of anger down. It was hard as hell though.
The need to have a drink crept in and I contemplated going to the liquor store. “That’s all well and good, Cyrus but you need to work on your temper.”
“So you can cut off all communication for weeks and I can’t get mad about it? Does that make logical sense to you, Kim?” I frowned. I could feel wrinkles forming and gray hairs sprouting the longer I stayed on the phone with her.
“I’ve been going through some things. I wasn’t cutting you off specifically. I was just taking time away from the world.”
“What world? Your world is in Miami. Your mother isn’t sick. Stop lying to me.”
“How would you know? It’s not like you call to check on me.” Was she actually pouting?
A jagged and harsh laugh ripped from my mouth. “Why should I? The only one I care about is Brianna. I care about your health by default because if you’re not well then you can’t take care of her.”
“Exactly. Who takes care of her, Cyrus? Me. I do. Whenever she’s sick at night, I sit up with her. Whenever she’s hungry, I feed her. When she’s sad, I hug her. I’m her mother and I take care of her on a regular basis while you get to throw money and make phone calls.” Her words were like a gut punch. She was right but at the same time, she was full of shit.
“And I appreciate you for doing what you’re supposed to do. I keep trying to help you parent and you won’t let me so whose fault is that? I want to see my daughter Kim, and I don’t want to take it to court but if this shit continues, I won’t have a choice.” I hated threatening Kim with the court process but I needed to see my child. Something was starting to rub me the wrong way and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
“You said you didn’t want to go to court, Cyrus. First, you’re blowing up at me and now you’re lying? Who the fuck are you?” She was right. When she told me she was pregnant, I vowed not to take her to court and she agreed not to take me to court.
I watched my parents go through a nasty divorce and a horrific custody battle. I was always determined that I’d never let my child see their parents acting a damn fool in court. Kim was testing my boundaries though.
“I’m a fed up father who’s tired of getting jerked around. Figure out how you want to proceed and let me know.” I ended the call because the longer I talked to her the tighter my chest got and the more I wanted to say things I wouldn’t be able to take back.
“Everything good?” Pax asked, lowering his brows and the corners of his mouth.
“Nah, everything is not good, Pax. You know how I feel about the whole court thing but I can’t deny that if Kim is determined to pull these stunts that I’ll have to put my foot down.”
“You can’t be nice to everyone, Cy. That’s just the way the world works. Kim is playing you hard. Do what you have to do.” He didn’t say anything else because he was fed up with the entire situation. I could tell.
Instead of talking things out, I took my frustrations out by beating his ass on Madden and gloating in his face until he told me he’d see me tomorrow. Tomorrow was a Sunday and I bet him that if I won he had to come to church and sit through the entire service sober. I knew it was a special kind of torture for Pax and I was into torture. Well, safe torture.
Once I was sitting in silence, the thoughts had time to sink in and run rampant, I found myself swinging back and forth between thinking about Kim and Bri to thinking about Bellamy. It was wild.
One minute, I was wondering if it would scar Brianna seeing her mother and me in court fighting for visitation. The next minute I was picturing Bellamy’s face and words telling me that pastors couldn’t curse but still poking me until I did.
I looked at the computer monitor with a blank expression trying to come up with something for my youth group to contribute to the Christmas program. I kept running into walls. I picked up my phone and opened Instagram to see if any of the other guys from other churches posted ideas.
I also went to check and see if Kim still had me blocked. She didn’t but the pictures of her new man and her healthy-as-a-horse mother were gone. I shook my head and exited her profile. Even seeing pictures of her face stressed me the hell out.
I should have gone back to looking for inspiration instead of clicking the search bar but evidently, I was in the mood for bad decisions. In no time flat, I found Bellamy’s profile and clicked it.
It was public.
Jesus…
I scrolled past picture after picture of her in sexy dresses that cinched her tiny waist, lacy tops that plunged low, showing off her full and ample tits, and tight pants that cupped her ass in ways that made my cock ache. I put my phone to sleep immediately and shut my eyes to mutter a quick prayer.
It honestly didn’t work. My thoughts fell apart revealing images of Bellamy’s smooth mocha skin and perfect body.
I stood up and walked around the house for absolutely no reason other than to reset my train of thought. Bellamy stormed my mind and held my
thoughts hostage. She was all I could see and hear.
When I walked past the couch in the living room, I noticed Pax left one piece of candy in the bag he had with him earlier. I took a picture of it and sent it to him for ransom.
Asshole: I left it for you. You need it now, don’t you?
Me: What the fuck are you? Some kind of weed fairy?
Asshole: Ta-da motherfucker. Enjoy.
I laughed a little and popped the candy in my mouth. It was better than drinking. I couldn’t stop myself with alcohol and I made bad decisions like fucking a random woman in Miami and getting her knocked up.
Once the candy was gone, I went back to my room and sat at the computer. After twenty minutes of scrolling on Pinterest, I decided to have the youth group hold an open mic session. They could write poems, songs, raps or monologues around the true meaning of Christmas.
I wrote up the guidelines to submit to Pastor Wilson and pass out to the kids then I felt the wave of weed hit me. Time slowed down and I pushed out a long breath, tipping back in my chair. I needed to eat something because that shit hit me hard and fast.
I stood up and it felt like I was walking through the thickest air. I went to the kitchen and took out ingredients to make spaghetti. It was my go-to dish. I could make it with my eyes closed and after the candy Pax left for me to eat, I was sure my eyes were nearly closed anyway.
While I waited for the pasta to boil, bad decisions mated and multiplied in my mind. I picked up my phone and went back to Bellamy’s Instagram page.
Damn, she was sexy.
She was more than that though. I stared into her eyes while trying not to double tap the selfie I couldn’t move on from. It was only a headshot but I was stuck.
Everything about her intrigued me. I wanted to crack her code. I wanted her to feel like she could finally talk to someone who would listen and understand. I wanted to be there for her. I could do that while we remained strictly platonic friends.
More bad decisions were birthed in my brain as I tapped the message button on her profile.
What the fuck, Cyrus?
I swallowed back my conscious and it went down like a shot of Bacardi 151 rum.
Me: You better be glad your grandmother doesn’t have IG or else she’d kick your ass out of the house tonight for these pictures. LOL.
I hit send and hoped I veiled any notion of me being a creep with the addition of that last LOL. In seconds three dots jumped to life and a smile crept across my face as my high set in deeper.
BellaMe: Pastors aren’t allowed to use IG. You totally just forfeited your ticket to heaven.
I didn’t know if I was laughing because I was high as hell or because Bellamy had a smart-ass way about her that amused me to no end. Either way, my fingers flew over the keyboard on my phone.
Me: Goes to show how much you know. Jesus was my first friend on IG. Boom. My ticket into heaven is safe.
BellaMe: LOL Just so you know, my nickname used to be heaven so what are you really saying, Pastor?
Her candor took me by surprise but I don’t know why. That was Bellamy. She went for shock and awe and it worked all the time.
Me: I said what I said.
I expected to see the three dots jump to life but they didn’t. Was the mouthy Bellamy Jordan stumped? I chuckled to myself and drained the spaghetti.
Out of nowhere, it hit me that I was actively flirting with a woman I said I’d be strictly friends with. What the fuck was wrong with me?
My phone buzzed and I grabbed it quick so I could type out an apology message. My eyes scanned Bellamy’s response first though.
BellaMe: What makes you think your ticket is secured?
Apologize and tell her you’re high as hell.
My fingers hovered over the letters that would type out I’m sorry but instead I typed something totally different.
Me: I’m a good person. I automatically get in.
BellaMe: Not true. You’re a pastor. Don’t you have to convert people and make them catch the Holy Ghost or some shit?
Me: LOL. Is making people catch the Holy Ghost a requirement to get into heaven?
BellaMe: Yes because people that catch the Holy Ghost speak in tongues and that’s definitely a requirement.
Me: Oh yeah? What if I can speak tongues personally?
BellaMe: Prove it.
Me: I can only speak in tongues during private sessions.
BellaMe: So…how do I sign up for those? LOL
Me: You’re gonna get me in so much trouble, Bellamy.
BellaMe: I’m good at getting men in trouble. You’ll be fine though, you’re too holy for trouble, Cyrus. In fact, I’m willing to bet an ice-cold strawberry soda after church tomorrow that you’re either high or drunk right now. That’s the only reason you’d ever be in my DM’s.
Me: I stumbled across your profile…that’s all. Let me stop keeping you up. Service is early tomorrow morning. I’ll see you there, right?
BellaMe: Of course.
Me: Good. See you tomorrow. Goodnight.
BellaMe: Goodnight.
While I chatted with Bellamy back and forth, I was able to get a pot of spaghetti made and in a bowl before crashing in front of the TV. I knew I shouldn’t have sent her a private message. I knew she’d get me in trouble too but I’d swallowed my conscious right before hitting send. Now all I heard was Pax on my shoulder telling me how much he liked Bellamy for me.
I liked her too.
***
Bellamy
Joan disappeared to cluck with the other hens after church on Sunday. Bright sunshine poured through the windows and the skylight making it look like rays of gold were pouring down from heaven. I spotted Cyrus talking to Pax and headed over to him. I had my eyes locked onto his strong, tall frame when Crimson intercepted me and started talking.
She was nice and everything but I had my sights already set and she was in the damn way. “You look so cute today, Bellamy,” she grinned. She was so bubbly it felt like I was drinking a glass of sparkling cider every time I interacted with her.
“Thanks. Excuse me…” I moved past her and I could almost feel her face fall into a pout. I reached up and tapped Cyrus on the shoulder. When he saw me, his entire expression changed. His big brown eyes were like cashmere and his long lashes were so dark and thick there was no way God himself didn’t craft them.
I cleared my throat to keep from tipping over the edge and falling into his eyes. They were deep and tempting pools of amber that I knew would suffocate me if I let them. “Halle Berry! What’s up girl?” Pax held his long arms out for a hug and I laughed a little before giving in and hugging him.
“You’re actually not high right now. So you don’t always get high?” I asked him.
“I do but when my bitch ass best friend beats me in Madden and makes me come to church sober…then I’m not high.” So far, he’d been the only male I’d come across upstate that hadn’t stripped me naked with his eyes.
Well, Cyrus hadn’t either but something lurked behind his halo. I could feel it calling out to me.
“That’s such a cruel bet, Pastor. I barely know Pax and I can tell he’s a stoner by nature.” I rubbed Pax’s back and he nodded his head in agreement while glaring at Cyrus.
“So both of you are ganging up on me. Got it.” Cyrus looked at me for a few extra seconds and I wondered if he was thinking about the random conversation we had last night on Instagram.
When he slid into my DM’s I was more than a little shocked. He does so well at hiding his true self that I didn’t know if he even allowed himself to do things like scroll Instagram. I sure as fuck went to his page though.
Imagine my shock when I saw pictures of his daughter. There were no pictures of her mom though. My anger settled as quickly as it emerged then I was sucked into staring at how sexy he was.
“Pastor Cy, what’s up? What are we doing for the Christmas program?” Declan’s voice sounded from behind me and I looked over my shoulder with a glare. “What�
��s up, beautiful Bellamy? Why do you hate me so much, baby?” My top lip curled all on its own.
Declan could have had any girl he wanted—not me—but any other girl. He was tall and lanky with a ruggedly handsome face. His hair was a crop of short curls, his hazel eyes made him hard not to stare at and the stubble filling in along his jawline gave him an edge that no girl would deny.
Why the fuck didn’t he go bother someone else then?
“You’re annoying as hell,” I told him, my arms folded.
Cyrus let out a sigh and I braced myself for him to lecture me but instead, he turned to Declan and said, “Dec, you gotta stop pressing Bellamy. She doesn’t want you, bro. You’re bordering on being disrespectful and you’ll find yourself outside of the group if you cross any lines. Understand?” Declan wasn’t expecting that. He blinked a few times, disbelief warping his features.
“Yeah, sorry, Pastor Cy.”
“Don’t say sorry to me, say it to Bellamy.” He flicked his gaze to me and I fought off a smile.
“My bad, Bellamy. I’ll leave you alone. We can be friends though, right?”
“I don’t do friends,” I answered.
“Well, now you do.” Cyrus narrowed his eyes at me and I muttered under my breath. When Crimson made her way to us, Cyrus pulled a few other kids from the group to the side and made us follow him to his office.
“Hey guys, I have something I want to pass out.” He handed out sheets of paper but I wasn’t focused on that. I was focused on his hands. I zeroed in on the tattoos on them and my stomach trembled. There was something about a man with tattoos that drove me wild.
He said something about the Christmas program and an open mic session but I was more focused on the crazy way he made my heart thump and my head spin. How could someone’s energy be that intense?
“Okay, so we’ll discuss it more on Wednesday. Thanks, guys.” Everyone started to filter out but I stayed behind. Cyrus had his own gravitational pull and I was helplessly caught in it.. “Bellamy, I’m glad you’re here. I have something else for you.” He sat behind his desk and I fantasized about him pulling his dick out and making me sit on it.
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