BOMB

by Danielle James

  That fantasy was dashed when he sat a cold strawberry soda on the desk. There was a neon yellow sticky attached to the front with my name on it in what I now recognized as his handwriting. I also recognized the little flower doodle.

  Another chunk of ice fell from my heart and shattered.

  “What’s this for?” I asked, bringing myself back to the moment. A small smile pulled at the corners of my lips.

  “You said you’d be willing to bet a cold strawberry soda after service that I was either high or…”

  “Drunk.” I laughed a little and picked up the can of soda.

  “Bingo.” Cyrus watched me in that way that made everything beneath my skin buzz but I couldn’t turn away from him.

  “So, which one were you?” I asked, sitting on his desk. When his eyes slid up my legs, my skin didn’t feel greasy. When his eyes roamed over me briefly, I wanted to burn my clothes and stand before him naked. I wanted him to admire every deep curve and tight line. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted his mouth on me.

  My pussy throbbed with need. I squirmed a bit under Cyrus’ gaze. He did so many bad things to my insides. Well, they were bad because I couldn’t have him but god they felt good.

  “High as hell,” he admitted.

  “High as hell and stalking me. Why was I so lucky, Cyrus?” I had to know. I cracked open the cold can of strawberry soda and took a long drink. Something had to cool down the inferno burning inside of me.

  “I told you, I just came across your profile. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  “Is there an extra penalty if you lie as a pastor?” I quizzed. There was no way in hell he randomly found my profile. He must have looked for it. My heart thumped at the notion.

  “Probably,” he smiled. I tried to pretend like I wasn’t looking when he unbuttoned the cuff of his sleeves and rolled them to his elbows but I definitely was. My muscles loosened and I was glad I was sitting because I was sure my knees were far too week to hold my weight up.

  “So you admit that you’re lying?” I quizzed. Did he have to sit that way with his long legs wide open? It was so hard focusing on his face. He gave a shrug and a smile began to build on his full lips.

  “Maybe I looked you up.” He watched for my reaction and it was one of pure shock. I figured he had to have looked me up on purpose but having him confirm it was something different.

  “Why?” I was genuinely confused at that point. “You said you didn’t want to fuck me…right?” I was game if he wanted to though.

  “I don’t,” he blurted, his spine going stiff. “You ever had a man just admire you without trying to get you in bed immediately, Bellamy? Shit.”

  “No. Men want to fuck me. That’s what they do. That’s what I’m here for.” Cyrus was about to speak but Pax walked in.

  “I’m getting ready to leave, bro. I have a nice young lady to take to lunch.”

  “Is her name Mary Jane?” Cyrus snorted.

  “No. It’s your mom. I’ll tell her you said hi.” Pax flipped Cyrus off and he returned the favor. I secretly loved watching the interaction between those two. They were more like brothers than friends. “I’ll see you later, Halle Berry.” He hugged me again and when I turned my back to him I could hear him mouthing and gesturing something to Cyrus that made him laugh. His laugh was so beautiful.

  “Back to you…” Cyrus cleared his throat and locked eyes with me. “How’s your job search going?”

  “It’s horrible. I’ve applied places but I seriously doubt I’ll hear back.”

  “I know you don’t want my help or anything but the union I work for just put the site coordinator on maternity leave for the next three months. We’re looking for someone to temporarily fill the spot.

  All you’d have to do is take calls and confirm start dates then send the crews notifications for their next job. If they like you and you do a good job, they’ll keep you on even after the three months is up. They offer amazing insurance too.”

  I finished off the soda and tossed the can in the trash. A burst of energy shot through me and I couldn’t tell if it was the sugar and caffeine or the job offer.

  “I know I said I didn’t want your help before but…I kind of like you now so it’s cool. Plus I’m so ready to get the fuck out of Joan’s house. She’s annoying and overbearing. No wonder my mother didn’t want anything to do with her.” That last part wasn’t meant for Cyrus to hear but he damn sure didn’t miss it.

  “Is your mother still alive?” He asked.

  “I guess. I really don’t know. I haven’t seen or heard from her since I was seven and she dropped me off at child services after surrendering her rights.” Every time I repeated that shit, a piece of me died from neglect.

  Cyrus walked over to me and held my hand in his. “I’m sorry that happened to you, Bellamy. That must have been traumatic.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” I snapped, pulling my hand away. “I’ll definitely take the job, Cyrus. If you can set it up that would be great. Thank you.” He slid his hands in his pockets and nodded. I was waiting for him to pry or push but he didn’t.

  Dammit, why did I shut down like that and leave the air between us cold?

  Get a grip on your demons, Bellamy.

  Maybe he can see how broken and damaged you are. That’s what happens when you open your stupid ass mouth.

  My head throbbed at the temples like two well-coordinated sumo wrestlers stomping their feet. I hated that little evil voice. It ruined everything.

  “Can I have your number? Just so I can call to check on the status of the job and everything.” My voice came out of nowhere but I needed to speak to shut that little voice up in my head. I also wanted to save face with Cyrus for shutting him down the way I did.

  I told myself I wanted his number for innocent purposes but I knew better. I wanted his number because I liked him. I wanted his number so I could hover my thumb over it and then never call.

  Cyrus nodded and wrote his number on a sticky note. “I’m always around if you need me.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?” I asked him. My hands turned to frustrated fists at my side. “Nobody’s ever there when I need them. If you’re saying it because it’s the pastorly thing to do…spare me.” I couldn’t handle Cyrus talking out of his ass. People lied and told me they’d be there when I needed them all the time. I was used to it but not from him. He was different. If he let his mask slip then I’d have no more faith in the world.

  “I’m here. I’m not the people in your past, Bellamy. You give me a call if you need anything.” Our conversation fizzled so quick it left my mouth sandy and my head buzzing.

  I walked into the main church area hoping that a change of scenery would help clear my mind but I was stopped in my tracks by nasty ass Pastor Wilson. He wrapped his meaty hand around my arm and yanked me away from the rest of the thin crowd before I could protest. I knew I should have stayed in Cyrus’ office.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” I spat, trying to tear my arm from his clutches.

  “Watch your mouth before I put something in it,” he warned once we were behind his locked office door. He let me go with a shove and I stumbled to the side clumsily.

  “Do you talk to everyone that attends your church that way?” I quizzed. I couldn’t overpower him even if I wanted to. He was a mountain and I was a pebble but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t spit venom until he keeled over.

  “Only the ones who are ripe with demons like you…” He stood in front of me, peering down like he knew how intimidating his size was. He didn’t know how tough it was to scare me though.

  “So you prey on the weak. Typical abuser.”

  “Listen to me, little girl. Your grandmother told me that you still need to find a job. So to prevent you from doing what you probably do best—lying on your back and collecting money—I’m offering you a job at Cross Point as my assistant. That way I can finally push that nasty little attitude right out of you. I don’t think Pastor Cyrus is c
apable anymore.” He wet his lips with his tongue and I nearly vomited.

  “By push, I’m sure you mean fuck and I’d never open my legs for you. You’re disgusting.”

  “There are lots of ways to open locked doors, Bellamy. I’m not a fan of forcing them open but I’ll do what I have to.” He pushed me against the wall with a thud and I braced myself for his damp palm sliding up my thighs. It never happened though. He got so close to me that I could smell the sweat from behind his ears. I held my breath and glared at him.

  “Once you’re my assistant you’ll do whatever I tell you to. I’m going to teach your little fast ass how to submit. No man is going to ever want you with the way you behave. Let me smooth that out for you.” He slid his index finger down the side of my face and I growled and shoved him as hard as I could. It did little to move his dense frame but it was enough for me to slip away.

  “Fuck you and that job and this church.” I unlocked his door and bolted out of there. Cyrus called out to me when he saw me leaving Wilson’s office but I didn’t stop for him either. I didn’t stop until I was outside. I needed to drink in the cold December air.

  It filled my lungs like ice and chased away the heat of rage even though my head was still thumping pretty hard. “Hey, Bellamy. You okay?” Crimson and Declan walked over to me. Crimson touched my shoulder and I jerked away abruptly making her frown.

  “She’s just trying to check on you, Bellamy. Calm down.” Declan rubbed Crimson’s back. When I saw the hurt look in her eyes, I felt bad as fuck.

  “I’m…sorry,” I said, my syllables staggered. I wasn’t used to apologizing and actually meaning it so the words felt foreign leaving my mouth. Crimson was a nice girl though and for some reason, she really took a liking to me.

  “Why did you bolt out of there like that?” Declan asked, eyeing me.

  “Pastor Wilson was talking to me in his office and I wanted to get away. I fucking hate him.” Crimson’s eyes darted up to Declan’s and he tightened his grip around her shoulders, his brows set low on his forehead.

  “Me too,” she almost whispered. My hackles were raised listening to her.

  “Why do you hate him?” I asked her, trying to push away the dull ache in my brain.

  “He’s not a good guy all the time.”

  “Fuck that, Crimson tell it like it is. Wilson is a fat piece of shit. If I didn’t think I’d go back to jail I’d put a bullet in him,” Declan seethed. My eyebrows flew up to my hairline as I regarded Declan. I knew there was an edge to him that I couldn’t put my finger on but goddamn.

  “Don’t say things like that, Dec,” Crimson pled.

  “I’m fucking serious. He’s sick.”

  “He is. Wait…did he do something to you, Crimson?” My heartbeat sped up in my chest as we locked eyes. I could see the pain written all over her face. I didn’t need her response after that.

  “He had me helping him run off some copies last year for the Easter celebration and we were alone and…” Her words became lost in a sea of tears and I felt sick to my stomach. Declan wrapped her in a tight hug, pressing her wet face against his chest. When she pulled away she said, “He didn’t rape me but he touched me like he owned me and he put his hands where they didn’t fucking belong. After that, I never wanted to be alone with him again. My aunt thinks I’m being paranoid but I’m not. I know if I’m alone with him again something worse will happen.”

  “See…no. Fuck that,” I growled. “He can’t do shit like that! He’s a goddamn predator and he’s supposed to be leading these people? He’s supposed to be preaching the word of God? I’m not even religious and I’m pissed off about it.”

  “Yo, Bellamy you have to keep it down,” Declan said, sweeping the area for people. I didn’t care about people though. Wilson was a nasty motherfucker and he needed to be in jail or at the very least away from Cross Point.

  “Have you talked to Cyrus?” I asked Crimson. She shook her head vehemently.

  “Pastor Cyrus probably wouldn’t believe me anyway. I don’t want to cause trouble.” She drew her shoulders up around her ears and looked at me, begging me with her eyes. “Did Pastor Wilson do anything to you, Bellamy?” Crimson asked.

  “No, but he’s trying to. He’s not even trying to hide it. He flat out told me he’d make me submit and that he has ways of opening locked doors. I swear if I still kept a blade under my tongue I would have sliced his face off.” Both Declan and Crimson stared at me in awe.

  “Bellamy, let’s go little girl. I want to talk to you when we get home,” Joan scowled at Declan and Crimson when she walked by and I felt the need to shield them from her judgmental view.

  I’d never felt the need to protect anyone before but they were nice. Even though Declan was a dick sometimes, they didn’t do anything to Joan for her to stare them down like that.

  “I’ll see you guys on Wednesday,” I told them as I hurried behind my grandmother. I’d never felt like such a fucking child before. The realization sank into me like a pile of bricks that I’d never felt like a child before. I didn’t know what it meant to be a kid. I never had the chance. I was forced to grow up and take care of myself or I would have died. I thought about it off and on while Joan drove home.

  I had to focus on something to drown out her incessant preaching and lecturing.

  When we got to Joan’s house, I sat in the kitchen and listened to her bitch at me about not having a job yet. It started to piss me off. I couldn’t get a damn word in. Under normal circumstances, I would have slapped the shit out of her and went on about my day but I needed to stay in her house so I had to play by her rules. I hated that. I wasn’t a by-the--rules girl.

  “You can’t keep staying here without a job. I’m not going to financially support you. You’re eighteen-years-old, you’re a grown woman, Bellamy. What kind of woman doesn’t have drive? Don’t you want your own money? Were you a prostitute before you came to live with me? If that’s the case, I don’t want you here anymore.”

  I guess all that bullshit about talking to God went out of the window, huh, Joan?

  “No, I wasn’t a prostitute. I had a job, then I quit because my boyfriend took care of me.” Talking about Leonard even in passing made me roll my eyes but there was no way in hell Joan could know he was married. I always left that part out.

  “So you were a prostitute. You know that’s what they do. They leave jobs or they don’t have jobs and they let men take care of their every need while they offer up their bodies.

  Lord, Pastor Wilson and Pastor Cyrus need to pray over you. I know he offered you a job and you better have agreed to do it.”

  “Who? Wilson?” I almost laughed.

  “You will refer to him as Pastor Wilson. Yes, I know he offered you a job as his assistant. You’re going to take it.”

  “I don’t want it,” I scowled.

  “I didn’t ask you what you wanted, little girl.” She tilted her head to the sky and silver strands of her silky hair fell backward over her shoulders. “My God, please send help. I’m not strong enough to deal with this again. Crystal was bad enough. Pastor Wilson couldn’t help her either.”

  “Pastor Wilson is a predator,” I told her with my arms folded. When her hand came crashing down against my cheek, I was stunned. Instinct ripped through me and I shoved her hard.

  “You demon! No wonder your mother left you! Get out of my house. Out!” Her voice bounced off the walls and I laughed in her face even though it felt like my head was about to explode. “I need to talk to God before I even lay eyes on you but I will not have a disobedient demon like you in my house tonight. You might try to kill me in my sleep. I don’t put anything past people like you.” She kept hurling words at my back as I grabbed my phone and keys and left.

  My mind was a jumble of nonsense. I couldn’t pick out a coherent train of thought if my life depended on it. Sunlight nearly blinded me as I drove without thinking. Well, I was thinking but it was like being in a crowded cafeteria and trying to discern a si
ngle conversation.

  My head was a warpath. The nonsense floating around turned to shrapnel and dug into my brain. I winced from the sudden and paralyzing pain. Tears blurred my sight but I kept driving. My muscle memory took me straight to Leonard’s condo.

  What the actual fuck?

  I sat in the familiar driveway for a moment and stared at the house. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since I’d been in there. My chest squeezed thinking about groveling at his feet and begging him to actually leave his wife. Things would be so much easier.

  I could never though.

  There wasn’t enough money in the fucking world for that shit.

  I sucked up the tears and looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror. I was determined to never need a man for a goddamn thing again. I survived my whole life on my own. I’d be just fine.

  After I threw the truck in reverse, Leonard called my phone. I froze like one of those little goats that fall over at the first sign of danger. My eyes went wide and I could hear every drop of blood rushing through my veins. I answered the call and put the truck in park.

  His deep voice flooded the inside of the truck as it poured through the speakers. “Belle, are you in the driveway of the condo?”

  “Are you fucking stalking me? Weirdo.”

  “Just answer me,” he insisted in a hushed tone.

  “Yes. I’m leaving. I have no idea what possessed me to come here of all places.” Now that was the honest damn truth.

  “Don’t leave. I need to see you.” He sounded urgent and on the other end, I could hear rustling like he was marching toward me. It was then that his car materialized in front of me in the driveway. How did I not see that shit before? He’d been there the entire time.

  Before I could pull out of the driveway, Leonard appeared in the doorway. He raced over to the truck and banged on the window, his palm flat. “Bellamy, please!” His breath came out in hazy puffs.

  “What?” I almost screamed. I was at my wit’s end, ready to explode. Every inch of me felt stretched and pulled in different directions. I rolled the window down letting a rush of cold December air in.