The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional
Page 2
January 8
This book . . . is for those spouses who have discovered how challenging day-to-day marriage is and who are searching for practical resources to survive the sometimes overwhelming “fiery trials” of matrimony and to grow through them. Our society’s experience with marriage has given us the metaphor “the honeymoon is over.” This is a book for those who have experienced this as a literal truth and may have fallen back to earth with a thud. (Hardcover, pp. 10–11; paperback, p. 3)
DON’T BE NAÏVE OR CYNICAL. The Meaning of Marriage is a realistic book about marriage because the Bible is hyperrealistic about human beings. Marriage is a tremendous good. It was God’s idea, and the human race as a whole could not do without it. However, because we are sinners, marriage is not easy. So the Bible aligns neither with sentimentality around marriage that may have existed in our imagined past nor with the cynicism about it that characterizes our own time. In the past marriage was an absolute necessity for everyone—single adults were almost social pariahs. Today marriage is seen as just one more lifestyle option.3 Steering between these two distorted views is crucial if you are to either choose a marriage partner well or to live well with the spouse you have chosen.
Reflection: Considering these two distorted views—to which do you lean? Why? What effects has your inclination had on you?
Thought for prayer: Think of the Bible as a vast untapped resource for you as you live out your marriage. Ask God to reveal more and more of his wisdom regarding marriage to you from his Word.
January 9
[There is a] deep ambivalence with which Western culture views marriage. . . . [Objections include:] marriage was originally about property and is now in flux, marriage crushes individual identity and has been oppressive for women, marriage stifles passion and is ill-fitted to psychological reality, marriage is “just a piece of paper” that only serves to complicate love, and so on. But beneath these philosophical objections lies a snarl of conflicted personal emotions, born out of many negative experiences with marriage and family life. (Hardcover, p. 11; paperback, p. 4)
CONFLICTED OVER MARRIAGE. Our culture has a love-hate relationship with marriage. Mervyn Cadwallader argued that marriage was “a wretched institution.” He wrote: “[M]arriage . . . spells the end of voluntary affection, of love freely given and joyously received. Beautiful romances are transmuted into dull marriages, and eventually the relationship becomes constricting, corrosive, grinding, and destructive. . . . The very idea of an irrevocable contract obliging the parties concerned to a lifetime of romantic effort is utterly absurd.”4 Yet Cadwallader admits he keeps trying for a good marriage (he was married three times) and that most people will still try it, too. But if the very idea of marriage is absurd, why do we keep trying? There may never have been a society as deeply conflicted about marriage as is ours.
Reflection: How fair are each of the objections to marriage listed in the quotes above? Why do you think many people believe this about marriage? Why, on the other hand, do you think many people still desire marriage?
Thought for prayer: Pray that the attitude of your hearts toward your marriage would not be overly shaped by its difficulties, but more by the promises and instructions of the Bible.
January 10
[The Meaning of Marriage’s] primary goal is to give both married and unmarried people a vision for what marriage is according to the Bible. That will help married people correct mistaken views that might be harming their marriage, and it will help single people stop destructively over-desiring marriage or destructively dismissing marriage altogether. Also, a Bible-based marriage book will help each reader have a better idea of whom he or she should consider as a prospective mate. (Hardcover, p. 12; paperback, pp. 4–5)
MARRIAGE IS NOT ENOUGH. In the book Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis says that when we first “fall in love” that “the longings which arise in us . . . are longings which no marriage . . . can really satisfy.” He adds that he is not talking of “unsuccessful marriages” but “of the best possible ones.” If Lewis is right—and we believe he is—then how you respond to this fact of human existence will determine the course not only of your marriage but also of the rest of your life. You have three options. One is to blame the spouse and look for another. The second is to become cynical and disillusioned about marriage. The third is to realize, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”5
Reflection: If you were to realize and embrace Lewis’s third option, what would it mean for your attitude toward marriage if you are in a difficult one? For your attitude toward marriage if you are a single person assessing prospective spouses?
Thought for prayer: Pray that you would be able to embrace the third option, in order to avoid romanticism or cynicism about marriage, and also in order to learn to love God more than anything else.
January 11
Marriage did not evolve in the late Bronze Age as a way to determine property rights. At the climax of the Genesis account of creation we see God bringing a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding (of Adam and Eve) and ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding (of Christ and the church). Marriage is God’s idea. (Hardcover, p. 13; paperback, p. 6)
MADE FOR MARRIAGE. God created us for certain things. He made us to worship him (Exodus 20:2–3). He made us for labor—to create and cultivate (Genesis 2:15). History shows that to ignore or try to avoid these things leads to dire consequences. God also, when he created us in his image, made us male and female (Genesis 1:27) and gave us the gift of marriage (Genesis 2:21–25). This means that, while not all marry (1 Corinthians 7), the human race as a whole cannot do without it. It also means that what we do sexually either reflects and images God and participates in his ways and work, or it rejects them. We can’t make marriage to suit us. Rather, God made us for it.
Reflection: Our culture is the first to see marriage as something we can design as we wish, rather than an institution that we receive and submit to. To what degree have you been influenced by our culture’s view? What effect has that had on how you live out your marriage?
Thought for prayer: Pray for our society, that we might not harm ourselves by marring the institution of marriage. Pray for ourselves, that we can receive marriage from God as a gift.
January 12
If God invented marriage, then those who enter it should make every effort to understand and submit to his purposes for it. We do this in many other aspects of our lives. Think of buying a car: If you purchase a vehicle, a machine well beyond your own ability to create, you will certainly take up the owner’s manual and abide by what the designer says the car needs by way of treatment and maintenance. To ignore it would be to court disaster. (Hardcover, p. 13; paperback, p. 6)
REGULATED BY GOD. Many argue that marriage has been evolving for centuries and so we can make it whatever we want it to be. But what God creates he also regulates—the Bible shows us how marriage should be conducted and so it critiques all cultural distortions of it. Genesis is a sustained critique of ancient polygamy and the misery it brought, especially to women. Yet the binding, covenantal nature of marriage in the Bible also opposes the modern idea of marriage as a merely transactional, provisional relationship between individuals. If we honor God by mutually loving and serving our spouse rather than ourselves—as the Bible prescribes—we transcend these historic distortions of marriage.
Reflection: Think of the lack of mutuality in many traditional forms of marriage as well as the highly negotiated, transitory nature of many modern relationships. How does each of these undermine the biblical idea of love as unselfish service to another?
Thought for prayer: Pray that you would be able to reject all of these cultural idolatries as you live out your own marriage.
January 13
It is har
d to get a good perspective on marriage. We all see it through the inevitably distorted lenses of our own experience. If you came from an unusually stable home, where your parents had a great marriage, that may have “made it look easy” to you, and so when you get to your own marriage you may be shocked by how much it takes to forge a lasting relationship. On the other hand, if you have experienced a bad marriage or a divorce, either as a child or an adult, your view of marriage may be overly wary and pessimistic. You may be too expectant of relationship problems and, when they appear, be too ready to say, “Yup, here it goes,” and to give up. (Hardcover, pp. 14–15; paperback, pp. 7–8)
FREE FROM THE PAST. One place we can get a distorted view of marriage is from our culture. The other place we can get one is from our family background. It is understandable but mistaken to look to our parents’ marital relationship as the final word on what marriage really is like. That makes no more sense than letting your encounters with one or two doctors determine your view of the entire medical profession. Instead, consider that while you’ve seen firsthand part of what marriage is all about—some of the joys or many of the difficulties—only the Bible can give you the fullness of God’s perspective. The Bible’s wisdom and promises regarding marriage can free you from your own past.
Reflection: If you had no idea of marriage apart from your parents’ marriage, what would your view be? How has your view of marriage been shaped by their marriage or the marriages of the people who raised you?
Thought for prayer: Thank God for what you have learned about marriage from your parents or those who have raised you, and ask him to supplement and fill out that knowledge from his Word.
January 14
In other words, any kind of background experience of marriage may make you ill equipped for [doing] it yourself. So where can you go for a comprehensive view of marriage? There are many good “how-to” volumes usually written by counselors that can be very helpful. In a few years, however, marriage manuals look dated. In the Bible you have teaching that has been tested by millions of people over centuries and in multiple cultures. Do we have any other resource on marriage like that? (Hardcover, pp. 14–15; paperback, p. 8)
LEARNING FROM THE WHOLE BIBLE. We have been calling ourselves to look to the Bible for our views of marriage, but where? We must not think that the Bible only gives us information about marriage when speaking directly about it in places like Genesis 2, 1 Corinthians 7, or Ephesians 5. For example, virtually the entire book of Proverbs is crucial for marital wisdom, because it discusses at length subjects such as money, emotions, the use and abuse of our tongues, sexuality, decision-making, and the deadly sins of pride, anger, envy, sloth, gluttony, greed, and lust. See also the many biblical texts on repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation (e.g., Matthew 18:15–35; Ephesians 4:25–32). All these topics, drawn from the entire Bible, are necessary to master if your marriage is to grow and thrive.
Reflection: If marital thriving is dependent on your grasp of the whole Bible, how could you plan to know it better than you do now? Consider ways of reading whole books of the Bible (such as Proverbs or Ephesians) looking specifically for marital wisdom.
Thought for prayer: Ask God for help in not merely knowing the Bible in general, but being shaped by it in the way you think and act in the areas of sex, love, and marriage.
January 15
According to the Bible, God devised marriage to reflect his saving love for us in Christ, to refine our character, to create stable human community for the birth and nurture of children, and to accomplish all this by bringing the complementary sexes into an enduring whole-life union. (Hardcover, p. 9; paperback, p. 16)
HAPPINESS AS A BY-PRODUCT. We live in an individualistic culture in which marriage is seen as a means for personal happiness. The Bible says married love is an image of our union with Christ, which comes only because he emptied himself of his glory for us (Philippians 2:1–11) and because we have in turn humbled ourselves in repentance and service to him. Marriage can reflect the saving love of God and shape our character into his likeness. And there is a great happiness that is a by-product of giving sacrificial love both to Christ and to our spouse.
Reflection: The quote lists four reasons God created marriage. How does each support the others? Are each of these reasons equally important?
Thought for prayer: Ask God to show you all the ways that your marriage is strengthening your character. Thank him for them, even for those ways that have been difficult.
January 16
The Bible’s teaching on marriage does not . . . reflect the perspective of any one culture or time. The teachings of Scripture challenge our contemporary Western culture’s narrative of individual freedom as the only way to be happy. At the same time, it critiques how traditional cultures perceive the unmarried adult to be less than a fully formed human being. (Hardcover, p. 16; paperback, p. 10)
NEITHER LEFT NOR RIGHT. Progressive Western culture is suspicious of marriage, seeing it as inherently incompatible with individual freedom. It accepts marriage only if it is stripped down to be just a romantic, emotional relationship that lasts as long as it brings happiness and fulfillment to both parties. On the other hand, non-Western, traditional societies are suspicious of singleness. They valorize marriage and consider the long-term single adult deficient. The Christian view does not fit on this “left-to-right” spectrum. Our primary identity is in Christ and our primary family consists of our brothers and sisters in Christ (Mark 3:31–35). This frees us to give ourselves to each other in marriage or to remain single, as God calls us.
Reflection: By which of these two cultural views of marriage—progressive or traditional—have you been most influenced? How has that influence affected how you approach marriage yourself?
Thought for prayer: Ask God to make your church one that welcomes and supports both married couples and singles. Or ask God to help you find a congregation that does.
January 17
The Biblical authors’ teaching constantly challenged their own cultures’ beliefs—they were not simply a product of ancient mores and practices. We cannot, therefore, write off the Biblical view of marriage as one-dimensionally regressive or culturally obsolete. (Hardcover, p. 17; paperback, p. 10)
NEITHER ANCIENT NOR MODERN. Ancient Near-Eastern cultures supported polygamy. But Genesis shows the misery of multiple-spouse marriages. Roman culture dictated that while a wife could not have sex with anyone but her spouse, every husband was free to have sex with many others. The New Testament put an end to that double standard and introduced mutual consent in marital sex (1 Corinthians 7:2–5). What the Bible says about sex and marriage is not the product of any human culture. Rather it critiques every human culture with divine revelation of what God wants marriage to be.
Reflection: Since the biblical teaching is subversive toward every culture, in what ways does it critique and undermine the dominant beliefs in our culture about sex, romance, and marriage?
Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you receive the Bible’s teaching on sex and marriage as his wise Word, even though our culture and our own inward feelings and sensibilities may resist it.
January 18
Unless you’re able to look at marriage through the lens of Scripture instead of through your own fears or romanticism, through your particular experience, or through your culture’s narrow perspectives, you won’t be able to make intelligent decisions about your own marital future. (Hardcover, p. 17; paperback, p. 10)
NEITHER FEARFUL NOR GULLIBLE. Many today fear that marriage requires more self-discipline than any human being can really muster. Others believe that everyone has a soul mate just waiting for us and, if we can just find him or her, everything in marriage will go smoothly. Our culture is just as schizophrenic as we are. Some books, movies, and talk-show experts lead us to believe that the perfect romance will heal everything wrong with us, while other strong cultural voi
ces tell us not to give up our independence to anyone. If, however, we look to the love of God for our highest fulfillment rather than to either romantic love or personal freedom, then we will be neither too optimistic nor pessimistic about marriage. We will see marriage for what it is—a good gift from God. It is neither an absolute necessity for a fulfilled human life nor an impossible dream.
Reflection: Do you tend to be too romantic and desperate for marriage or too fearful and pessimistic about marriage? Why? How has this affected your courtship and marriage so far?
Thought for prayer: Remember St. Augustine’s famous statement that our souls are restless until they find their great rest in God. Ask the Lord to help you to find your satisfaction in him so you don’t look to marriage for what only he can give you.
January 19
Marriage is glorious but hard. It’s a burning joy and strength, and yet it is also blood, sweat, and tears, humbling defeats and exhausting victories. No marriage I know more than a few weeks old could be described as a fairy tale come true. Therefore, it is not surprising that the only phrase in Paul’s famous discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5 that many couples can relate to is verse 32 [“. . . and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery.”]. Sometimes you fall into bed, after a long, hard day of trying to understand each other, and you can only sigh: “This is all a profound mystery!” At times, your marriage seems to be an unsolvable puzzle, a maze in which you feel lost. (Hardcover, p. 21; paperback, pp. 13–14)