The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  THE REALISM OF BIBLICAL MARRIAGE. When marriage was seen as a public good, it was expected that being married would change the participants. Now that marriage is seen as primarily about private, individual happiness, it follows that many would insist their partner not demand any major alterations. But living in close quarters with any one is an infringement on one’s independence, and so any marriage must require massive changes to one’s life as well as the self-control and discipline to maintain them. Raising children takes the requirements for change to another level. Here, then, is another way in which more modern views of marriage may not fit reality as well as the Bible’s vision and prescription for it.

  Reflection: What are changes that marriage has required of you? What changes would your spouse still like to see?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to make you more open to—and able to make—the changes that your marriage requires of you.

  February 1

  So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. . . . The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 1:27, 2:18)

  IRREPLACEABILITY. Human beings have always existed in two forms—male and female. This is seen in the word “helper” (Hebrew, ’ezer). It implies the woman has supplementary and complementary strengths that the man does not have, and vice versa. The new unity that solves Adam’s “aloneness” comes about not through the addition of an animal or another male but a female. Each gender has abilities and unique beauties that the other cannot reproduce, so we need each other. As you could not have an entirely male or female society or church without impoverishment, neither can you have such a marriage. The historic Christian position has been that marriage includes the full range of human excellence, which is only available if we have both genders present.

  Reflection: Gender differences express themselves differently in every marriage. How have they done so in your marriage?

  Prayer: Lord, help us so that we neither acquiesce in the peculiar sins of our genders, nor be resentful or unappreciative of their differences. Amen.

  February 2

  But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” (Genesis 2: 20–23)

  DIVERSITY. God takes a rib out of Adam’s side. This signifies that the woman will have qualities that are identical to the man’s but also some that are now missing from him. Thus God describes her as “suitable” (Hebrew, kenegdo), a word that means “like-opposite”. Men and women are both like and unlike, equal yet profoundly different. Marriage is therefore complementary companionship, a unity achieved across difference. Ephesians 5, in which the husband-wife relationship is likened to the union of Christ and the church, shows us that such unity between deeply diverse parties is always hard won. We should not be surprised that gender differences are both glorious and difficult.

  Reflection: In what ways have gender difference made your marriage hard? How has it made it richer?

  Prayer: Lord Jesus, we praise you that you left heaven and your glory and rejoiced to unite with us human beings. Teach us what we must do to live in harmony and interdependence with each other. Amen.

  February 3

  Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:25)

  TRANSPARENCY. Marriage was designed for truth as well as love. Adam and Eve had a perfect relationship. “Nakedness-without-shame” meant total transparency and total vulnerability to one another. They had nothing to hide. They were absolutely open to each other, and neither partner abused the privilege. Their relationship had “no alloy of greed, distrust, or dishonor.”13 It had an “openness and a unity, not masked by guilt, not disordered by lust, not hampered by shame.”14 Because we are now sinners, the ideal of perfect openness and affirmation is not possible. Yet the gospel gives us the tools (Ephesians 4:15)—the inner security and fullness of love—we need to make progress toward it.

  Reflection: Discuss with your spouse the reasons that openness and transparency require both truth and love. What happens when you speak the truth but your spouse doesn’t fully trust you? Is it still possible to speak truthfully and have your message received the way it is intended?

  Prayer: Lord, you made yourself vulnerable to us and we humans rejected you—yet you loved us and opened our eyes to love you. Help us to take the same risks of love in order to love each other well. Amen.

  February 4

  To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” To Adam he said . . . “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:16–17, 19)

  HUMILITY. When Adam and Eve sinned, the curse of sin descended. The human family, both in its procreative and economic function, was now deeply disordered. Much ink has been spilled over exactly what each of the statements above mean. Let us notice that sin affects the woman and the man differently. This is another indication that the genders are somewhat distinct in both their strengths and weaknesses. Here it appears their idols and frustrations are different. Our shelves are filled with “how-to” books for building a wonderful marriage, but this passage calls us to humility. Even inside a Christian marriage, we must expect obsessiveness, fear, guilt, addiction, and oppression. We cannot avoid it. But we can understand why we have those feelings and emotions and work to overcome them.

  Reflection: Why do you think the woman’s relationship to her children and husband are mentioned and the man’s relationship to his work is mentioned? What does that say about our characteristic sins?

  Prayer: Lord, in our marriage help keep us from either hopeless cynicism or naïve romanticism. Amen.

  February 5

  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31–32)

  RECONCILIATION. In marriage, God gives us a powerful sign of our salvation. Christ’s loving sacrifice—and our surrender to him—reconciles God and humanity, bringing two alienated, different persons into a covenantal unity. Marriage mirrors the gospel when, through mutual self-giving, the estranging effects of sin are overcome and a union brought about of the very different—male and female. Sex, then, is no mere physical appetite. In marriage it is a sign of our union with Christ and can even be called participation with God in his restoration of the world. “[H]e made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ” (Ephesians 1:9–10).

  Reflection: When you experience alienation in your marriage, what bridges the gap? How can you do better at that bridging?

  Prayer: Father, help us to see that when we are distant and alienated, there is no resolution other than the same, humble self-giving that your Son did in order to reconcile with us. Amen.

  February 6

  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31–32)

  EXCLUSIVITY. There is no way to know Christ witho
ut exclusive, lifelong commitment to him. Christ literally gave up everything in order to reconcile and unite with us. And there is no way to know Christ at all unless he is our only Savior and Lord. The first two of the Ten Commandments make that point clearly. This means, obviously, that we must be sexually faithful to our spouse. But further, it means no marriage can work if our careers or even our children vie with our spouse for first place in our hearts. Only through exclusive, whole-life commitment to Christ can we have a relationship with him. The same goes for our spouse.

  Reflection: Ask your spouse to tell you frankly what things compete with him or her for first place in your life.

  Prayer: Lord Jesus, thank you for counting equality with the Father as something you were willing to part with in order to gain us (Philippians 2:4–11). Let our relationship to each other show the same exclusive love. Amen.

  February 7

  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31–32)

  TRANSFORMATION. Salvation in Christ transforms us. No one can come into an intimate relationship with the Lord and Savior of the world and remain as they are. Although we are saved by faith, not by our moral efforts, nevertheless “faith without works [i.e., a changed life of love and holiness] is dead” (James 2:17). We may say we have faith, but if we don’t change, we demonstrate that the faith is illusory. In the same way, if we marry someone and then refuse to make major changes in order to serve their needs better, then we may say we love them, but we don’t. In a good marriage we know the other loves us despite our flaws, yet that should motivate us to change in order to better love them. The connection between Ephesians 5 and Genesis shows us this—the gospel explains marriage, and marriage explains the gospel.

  Reflection: Think of more ways in which marriage teaches us about our relationship to Christ, and vice versa.

  Prayer: (Each pray:) Lord, I confess I have neither changed my character enough in response to your love or to my spouse’s love and need. Strengthen my desire and give me the power to do so. Amen.

  February 8

  Many of the males in the research were adamant that their relationship with a woman should not curtail their freedom at all. The report concluded, “Cohabitation gives men regular access to the domestic and sexual ministrations of a girlfriend while allowing them . . . to lead a more independent life and continue to look around for a better partner.” (Hardcover, p. 31; paperback, p. 25)

  LIVING TOGETHER. In ancient Rome, husbands were expected to have sex with other women, while wives were forbidden to do so. Christianity ended that double standard. Some have argued that the contemporary popularity of cohabitation similarly privileges men. Women are generally more desirous of putting aside their independence and being married than men are, so any society that makes living together without marriage socially acceptable is tilting the culture toward male interests over female.15 It puts men in a place of real power whenever a couple cohabits rather than marrying. The woman dares not be too insistent on them making decisions mutually, and he is free to be constantly comparing her with other prospective partners. Could it be that, again, Christian sexual ethics are better for women?

  Reflection: What do you think—is cohabitation better for men than women?

  Thought for prayer: Pray that, for the good of society and of children, that the institution of marriage be strengthened in our culture.

  February 9

  Part of the traditional understanding of marriage was that it “civilized” men. Men have been perceived as being more independent and less willing and able than women to enter into relationships that require mutual communication, support, and teamwork. So one of the classic purposes of marriage was very definitely to “change” men and be a “school” in which they learned how to conduct new, more interdependent relationships. (Hardcover, p. 31; paperback, p. 25)

  GENDER DIFFERENCES. It is unfair to talk of men needing to be “civilized” by women, but gender differences are real. Women consistently see themselves as more agreeable, friendly, and sensitive to feelings, while men see themselves as more assertive and open to new ideas. These differences persist across times and cultures.16 What does that mean? It means that men and women need each other. Each of these strengths comes with attached weaknesses. While the Bible does not define these differences, which may take different shapes in different cultures, its insistence on gender diversity in marriage assumes them. So, especially in marriage, men and women should listen to one another, call one another to change, and heed one another’s call.

  Reflection: Marriage requires intimate interdependence and some argue that women, in general, come into marriage with greater skills in that area. Do you agree?

  Thought for prayer: Pray that gender differences in your marriage would be more a basis for growth than for conflict.

  February 10

  [A scholar] argued that marriage was traditionally a place where males became truly masculine: “For most of Western history, the primary and most valued characteristic of manhood was self-mastery. . . . A man who indulged in excessive eating, drinking, sleeping or sex—who failed to ‘rule himself’—was considered unfit to rule his household, much less a polity. . . . [S]exual restraint rather than sexual prowess was once the measure of a man.” (Hardcover, p. 32; paperback, p. 26)

  MALE SELF-CONTROL. Since, by all accounts, men naturally tend to be more aggressive, it is not surprising that many struggle with control of both their anger and their sexual desires. Marriage not only demands both kinds of self-discipline from men, but it also helps achieve them. Men who grew up in intact families are less likely to cheat on their spouse in their own marriages.17 Traditionally, this kind of self-control was considered the very essence of masculinity. So-called leaders who cannot even master themselves are disasters. And a wife will not be able to trust and respect a man who cannot submit his impulses to his promises and his commitments. “Real men” are strong enough to control themselves.

  Reflection: In what ways have you seen a wife’s love and respect for her husband increase with his growth in self-control?

  Thought for prayer: If you are a man, think of the areas of your life that require self-control and pray for it. If you are a woman, pray for the man in your life to grow in self-control.

  February 11

  [I]f your desire is for a spouse who will not demand a lot of change from you, then you are also looking for a spouse who is . . . very “low maintenance” without much in the way of personal problems. . . . You are searching, therefore, for an ideal person—happy, healthy, interesting, content with life. Never before in history has there been a society filled with people so idealistic in what they are seeking in a spouse. (Hardcover, pp. 32–33; paperback, pp. 26–27)

  FINISHING SCHOOL? A recent article explains “How Millennials Are Redefining Marriage.”18 Traditionally, the writer says, people were willing to take marriage vows earlier “and figure it out.” That meant discovering one another’s strengths and weaknesses, callings and mission in life—but doing it together, after marriage, not individually before. Today young adults wait longer to marry, so that all by themselves they can figure out who they want to be, without input from anyone as empowered as a spouse in their lives. Then they want a marriage partner who also is fully formed—economically, psychologically, and socially—and who merely affirms the identity and trajectory they have already set for themselves. This “partnership of finished products” doesn’t create anything like the same kind of bond. And needless to say, it is unrealistic. You will continue to change after marriage.

  Reflection: Some have said that marriage today is like “finishing school” while in the past it was more analogous to high school and college. Do you agree? How has your spouse helped shape the person you are today?

&
nbsp; Thought for prayer: Ask God to help both you and your generation not to fear marriage, but to give themselves to their spouses in trust and love.

  February 12

  Older views of marriage are considered to be traditional and oppressive, while the newer view of the “Me-Marriage” seems so liberating. And yet it is the newer view that has led to a steep decline in marriage and to an oppressive sense of hopelessness with regard to it. To conduct a Me-Marriage requires two completely well-adjusted, happy individuals, with very little in the way of emotional neediness of their own or character flaws that need a lot of work. The problem is—there is almost no one like that out there to marry! The new conception of marriage-as-self-realization has put us in a position of wanting too much out of marriage and yet not nearly enough—at the same time. (Hardcover, p. 34; paperback, p. 28)

  WHY NOT TO POSTPONE MARRIAGE. One psychologist says postponing marriage until later in life, until you have an established identity and you know who you are, is a wiser way to go.19 Certainly two people may be too young to marry, but that is because they lack the necessary character for mutually submitting their selfish desires for the good of the other. That takes humility, grace, self-control, and inner security. But waiting to “find oneself” before marriage assumes that self-knowledge is mainly a solitary process of discovering one’s deepest desires. It is not. When we look inside our hearts we will see inner desires that contradict each other. We need intimate companionship to discern the bad from the good from the best within. There’s no better place for that than marriage.