The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  THE HEART OF A GOOD MARRIAGE. The approach/avoidance feelings many people have about marriage are understandable. The longing for loving union is powerful; so is the fear of being hurt at one’s most vulnerable core. The solution to our ambivalence is mutual repentance. Martin Luther wrote: “All of life is repentance.” He didn’t mean we should adopt a self-hating posture, but rather, knowing the Father’s welcome because of the atonement of Christ for our sins, we can repent freely, often, and joyfully, both to God and to others. Repentance is at the heart of life and especially of marriage. If two people are able and willing to repent, they can entrust themselves to each other in marriage without fear.

  Reflection: Are you confident that your spouse will welcome you freely when you repent? Do you make it safe for your spouse to repent to you? Discuss your answers with each other.

  Thought for prayer: Repentance requires both the humility that comes from knowing you are a sinner and the confidence that comes from an assurance of God’s unconditional love. Ask God to strengthen both in you, so you can repent joyfully and readily.

  March 9

  If our views of marriage are too romantic and idealistic, we underestimate the influence of sin on human life. If they are too pessimistic and cynical, we misunderstand marriage’s divine origin. If we somehow manage, as our modern culture has, to do both at once, we are doubly burdened by a distorted vision. Yet the trouble is not within the institution of marriage but within ourselves. (Hardcover, p. 44; paperback, p. 40)

  NO MARRIAGE IS AN ISLAND. Christians work hard to not adopt “the spirit of the age,” which is always at odds with God’s Holy Spirit. The more overt features of immorality and exploitation are fairly easy to avoid. But the world’s more subtle distortions creep in through advertisements, self-help programs, movies, TV and magazines, talk shows, and a hundred other ways. As we breathe in this alien vision of what a good life looks like—freedom from all constraint, trusting our feelings above all—it will affect every part of our life, and nowhere more than in a marriage. The antidote is “life together.”34 It means reading Scripture and praying regularly, both individually and with others. It means accountability and discernment through friendship. It takes a Christian village to guard a Christian marriage.

  Reflection: Can you think of ways that cultural beliefs that are antithetical to the teaching of the Bible may have affected your thinking about marriage? Who, within the Christian community, could help you with that?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to show you the reasons that you do not have stronger fellowship with other Christian believers—whether they are busyness, fear, pride, or something else. Then ask God to help you shed them.

  March 10

  Paul declared that marriage is a “great mystery.” . . . [T]he Greek word Paul used, mysterion, has a lexical range that also includes the idea of a “secret.” In the Bible, this word is used to mean not some esoteric knowledge known only to insiders but rather some wondrous, unlooked-for truth that God is revealing through his Spirit. Elsewhere, Paul uses the term to refer to other revelations of God’s saving purposes in the gospel. But in Ephesians 5 he applies this rich term, surprisingly, to marriage. (Hardcover, p. 45; paperback, pp. 40–41)

  MARRIAGE HAS DEPTHS. Marriage is no mere human institution, invented for social and political convenience. It is a vehicle of God’s grace, supplying our need (“it is not good to be alone”) and at the same time, revealing God’s passionate love for his people. As with all true wonders, there are layers upon layers to discover within marriage. It has unique, inherent powers to show you to yourself, to heal your deepest wounds, and to transform your character. When we are in conflict with our spouse and tempted to give up, we have forgotten that, despite his or her weaknesses (and yours!), marriage has its own powers. Give it time to do its work.

  Reflection: Have you ever (I certainly have) been so angry you just wanted to walk out and end the marriage? What stopped you? Were you aware of evil both within and without prompting you to do or say something horrible? How can you protect yourself against future attacks?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God for his uniquely rich gift of marriage to the human race and to you. Ask him also for enough patience with it so it can do all its good work in you.

  March 11

  But what is the secret of marriage? Paul immediately adds, “I am talking about Christ and the church,” referring to what he said earlier in [Ephesians] verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives as just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” In short, the “secret” is not simply the fact of marriage per se. It is the message that what husbands should do for their wives is what Jesus did to bring us into union with himself. (Hardcover, p. 45; paperback, p. 41)

  FREEING MARRIAGE FROM THE CULTURE. Marriage is so much more than a sexual relationship with legal benefits. The Bible says that it is a place where we get a foretaste of the full union we will someday have with Christ as his bride. This is indeed a profound mystery. In the Roman world sexual relationships were determined by the social order (in which men ruled women, and the rich exploited the poor.)35 Today sex also is made to serve the modern, market-driven culture’s agenda of individual self-actualization through relationships conducted on a cost-benefit basis. The original Christian sexual revolution was to connect sex not to the social order but to God’s way of redemption and communion with him. Marriage becomes both a signpost and participation in Christ’s unconditional self-giving.

  Reflection: Married couples—in what ways does your marriage reveal glimpses of future glory?

  Thought for prayer: Think of the ways that marriage is making you more ready for heaven and future glory. Then thank and praise him for them.

  March 12

  [Jesus] willingly went to the cross and paid the penalty for our sins, removing our guilt and condemnation, so that we could be united with him (Romans 6:5) and take on his nature (2 Peter 1:4). He gave up his glory and power and became a servant. He died to his own interests and looked to our needs and interests instead (Romans 15:1–3). Jesus’s sacrificial service to us has brought us into a deep union with him and he with us. And that, Paul says, is the key not only to understanding marriage but to living it. (Hardcover, pp. 45–46; paperback, pp. 41–42)

  REAL MASCULINITY. One writer said that the essence of masculinity was a sacrificial protectiveness that permits life to grow and thrive. To begin with, men must sacrifice their cherished independence in order to become husbands. Then they must sacrifice much of their pride to respect their wives, listen to them, and serve them. Because so much of this is against male tendencies and patterns, it requires the strength to be weak. Christ sacrifices to win his bride, the Church, the Second Adam’s Second Eve,36 who bears his fruit into the world. In order to save and protect his bride, Jesus spared no effort and no cost. He should be the model and hero for all husbands to imitate.

  Reflection: Husbands, in what ways do you inconvenience yourself in order to see your wife grow in Christ? Wives, do you appreciate and take advantage of your husband’s sacrifice in order to be a better Bride of Christ and a better wife?

  Thought for prayer: Remember that Jesus was no weakling (see him throwing the money changers from the temple—John 2:13–19), yet was the gentlest servant of all (Matthew 11:28–29). If you are a husband pray for the same spirit. Pray that God would form more Christlike husbands in your church and community.

  March 13

  In Philippians 2, Paul tells us that the Son of God did not exploit his equality with the Father, but his greatness was revealed in his willingness to become the Father’s servant. He went to the Cross; but the Father raised him from the dead. “This shows us what God is like. . . . The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit do not manipulate each other for their own ends. . . . There is no conquest of unity by diversity or diversity by unity. The three are one and the one is three.”37 (Hardcover, p. 46; paperback, p. 42)


  THE TRINITY AND MARRIAGE. The inner workings of the Trinity will always be a source of great awe and wonder before which we bow in worship. In the Bible we only get a few glimpses of the Son being sent to earth where he submits to the Father, and of the Father loving and glorifying the Son, and of the Spirit illuminating the work of both in orchestrating our salvation. (Study John 16–17 for the most sustained description of this in the Scripture.) Yet even in those few glimpses we see at the heart of the Godhead the desire to lift up the other, to defer, to honor, and to work in such perfect harmony and delight that the word “dance” is not too strong an image for it.38

  Reflection: If lifting up the other for praise and honor is at the center of the Godhead, to what degree does your marriage right now reflect that?

  Thought for prayer: First think of several specific ways that you could be lifting up and showing your spouse more honor and respect. Then pray that God would give you the focus and ability to perform them.

  March 14

  [Paul] is able to tie the original statement about marriage in Genesis 2 to Jesus and the church. As one commentator put it, “Paul saw that when God designed the original marriage He already had Christ and the church in mind. This is one of God’s great purposes in marriage: to picture the relationship between Christ and His redeemed people forever!” . . . This is the secret—that the gospel of Jesus and marriage explain one another. That when God invented marriage, he already had the saving work of Jesus in mind. (Hardcover, pp. 46–47; paperback, pp. 42–43)

  REPAIRING THE WORLD. All that God has created and achieved in history has been working toward one single goal—the redemption and sanctification of his people. In assuming the role of servant-leader or suitable helper, husbands and wives are caught up into the great dance that is restoring the universe (see yesterday’s devotional).39 The requirements of marriage make us more servant-hearted like Jesus, whose very nature is to give up power and privilege to serve others.40 Thus marriage works at two levels. Marriage makes us into the kind of people who serve others and can repair the world in general. But it also teaches us to love and serve our spouses in particular. That can make us something beautiful—“radiant” and “unstained” (Ephesians 5:27).

  Reflection: List the aspects of marriage that reveal something about God’s relationship to his people. Try to have at least ten examples. There are many more.

  Thought for prayer: Thank God that, in his love for us, he does not leave us as we are, but finds ways to wake us up and move us to make changes we need to make for his sake, our sakes, and for the sakes of all those around us.

  March 15

  If God had the gospel of Jesus’s salvation in mind when he established marriage, then marriage only “works” to the degree that it approximates the pattern of God’s self-giving love in Christ. What Paul is saying not only answers the objection that marriage is oppressive and restrictive, but it also addresses the sense that the demands of marriage are overwhelming. There is so much to do that we don’t know where to start. Start here, Paul says. Do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus, and the rest will follow. . . . [T]he gospel of Jesus and marriage explain one another. (Hardcover, pp. 46–47; paperback, pp. 42–43)

  THE LIBERTY OF OBEDIENCE. Seen through the lens of dos and don’ts, the obligations of marriage can appear oppressive. But to see it as the joy of offering obedience to him rather than to a list of rules is liberating. When we first fall in love we almost ache to find ways of pleasing the other. We alter behavior and give up things—all for the pleasure of giving pleasure to the one we love. We don’t see such changes as “sacrifices,” though they are. Now think of Jesus and all he has done for us. Change your life first for him and then for each other. Sacrifice and submission allow us to participate in a cosmic dance that pulses with joy. All the powers of heaven rejoice to see a married couple following in the footsteps of Jesus.

  Reflection: What are the changes you should make in yourself for the sake of your marriage that you are reluctant to do? How can the concepts in today’s devotional help you make them?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Hebrews 12:2, how Jesus endured the pain of the Cross for us “for the joy set before him”—the joy of pleasing his Father and saving us. Ask God to help you serve your spouse out of joy in Christ’s salvation.

  March 16

  We should rightly object to the binary choice that both traditional and contemporary marriage seem to give us. Is the purpose of marriage to deny your interests for the good of the family, or is it rather to assert your interests for the fulfillment of yourself? The Christian teaching does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. (Hardcover, p. 47; paperback, p. 43)

  WORKING FOR GOD. As we said yesterday, obedience can be a joy when we fix our hearts on how much we love our Savior and our spouse. And yet, in this world, obedience to the rules of service, repentance, and forgiveness is still hard, still costly. So when you make expensive sacrifices for each other, always remember that they are offerings primarily to God (Romans 12:1–2). If you are giving something up for your spouse when you don’t really want to, look past the fallible human being before you and see God. Your spouse in him- or herself may not deserve what you are giving, but God always does.

  Reflection: Make a list of recent changes you have made for the sake of your marriage and your spouse. Honestly assess whether or not you resent them. How can the concept in this devotional help you with that?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 12:1–2, about what it means to make your entire life a living sacrifice to God in honor of who he is and in gratitude for what he has done. Ask God to help you see sacrifices you’ve made for your family as sacrifices offered to him.

  March 17

  Subordinating ourselves to him, however, is radically safe, because he has already shown that he was willing to go to hell and back for us. This banishes fears that loving surrender means loss of oneself. (Hardcover, p. 47; paperback, p. 43)

  IDENTITY AND MARRIAGE. Ephesians 5:21–22 famously speaks of wives submitting to their husbands and also to spouses submitting to each other. We will treat this later in this volume, but it is clear enough that marriage means the loss of freedom for the sake of love. Modern people regard this as diminishment, even the loss of one’s identity. However, submission to God’s plan did not injure Jesus, the Second Person of the Trinity, but rather led to him being exalted far above every other name. And Jesus called his disciples to “lose themselves” in order to find their true selves (Matthew 10:39)—and they did. So submission and service in marriage is the doorway into a deep, committed, truth-telling love relationship. And we always experience that as freedom.

  Reflection: Men, have you experienced greater closeness to Jesus when your leadership calls for you to sacrifice? Women, have you experienced greater closeness to Jesus when, knowing your full equality, you lay it aside to serve?

  Thought for prayer: Thank Jesus for how he laid aside his power and privilege in order to serve—all to save you. Admit your fears of submitting to him—or to anyone else—and ask him to help you follow his pattern of love.

  March 18

  On the one hand, the experience of marriage will unveil the beauty and depths of the gospel to you. It will drive you further into reliance on it. On the other hand, a greater understanding of the gospel will help you experience deeper and deeper union with each other as the years go on. (Hardcover, pp. 47–48; paperback, p. 44)

  GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY. It is widely reported that younger adults in Western society are highly ambivalent about marriage and that they are opting out of marriage and childbearing more than any previous generation.41 Singles should indeed approach the high calling of marriage with awe but also without fear. Jesus knows and rules your future, single or married, and nothing will happen to you that will not bring you closer to him if y
ou offer him your trust. Married people can connect with him with identical comfort—Jesus rules your life, and even a less than perfect marriage, offered to him, will work toward the holiness in your life that God intends. He is working all things together for good (Romans 8:32). Your times are in his hand (Psalm 31:15).

  Reflection: What areas of your life most need to be offered to God? You can discover them by finding where your fears live. Explore in prayer what you are afraid of, and offer it to God.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to remind your heart of three things: that you are not in control of your life—only he is; that he loves you far more than you love yourself; and that he is infinitely wiser than you are about what is best.

  March 19

  The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. (Hardcover, p. 48; paperback, p. 44)

  RECONCILIATION. Our flawed and sinful nature leaves us alienated from God. No effort of ours would repair the damage, assuage the wrath, heal the brokenness, and release the chains of our self-chosen slavery. God did not choose between justice and love, but demonstrated his astonishing love for us by taking on himself the punishment due to us. Once we rest in this for ourselves by faith in Christ, it changes our relationships, especially marriage. The new security we have in him enables us to give each other an analogous love—speaking to each other about our flaws and sins and yet forgiving each other. Every incident of confrontation, repentance, and forgiveness is painful yet leads to deeper wisdom, love, and (eventually) joy in one another.