Reflection: It is one thing to want your spouse to change to please you. It’s another thing to help him or her change to please God. How do you help each other confront and overcome the sinful habits and temptations in your life?
Thought for prayer: Ask God to give you spiritual discernment and eyes to see what he wants your spouse to become. Then ask the Lord for the wisdom and grace to help him or her make progress.
April 12
The main barrier to the development of a servant heart in marriage is . . . the radical self-centeredness of the sinful human heart. Self-centeredness is the main problem in many marriages, and it is the ever-present enemy of every marriage. It is the cancer in the core of every marriage when it begins, and it has to be dealt with. (Hardcover, pp. 56–57; paperback, p. 55)
DEATH TO SELF. We said earlier that every step away from the self-absorption and self-centeredness in our marriages is a type of suffering; a death, if you will, to self. We are told that our old nature must be crucified (Galatians 5:24)—a slow and painful death. To live in Christ is to die to our own sinful desires. Sacrifice is not a word our culture prizes much, but it is the key to all growth, both personally and in a marriage. Sometimes it feels as if the longer you are married, the more abrasive you become with one another. That is merely the fragile shell of early infatuation wearing away and the irritations over long-standing issues surfacing. Finally, the real work can begin!
Reflection: What recurrent issues have surfaced in your marriage over the years, things that cause you to bicker and scratch with one another? How can those issues be addressed with the gospel?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Philippians 4:5: “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Then ask the Lord to make you significantly more gentle and gracious in your speech with your spouse, and especially when you disagree.
April 13
In Dana Adam Shapiro’s interviews of divorced couples, it is clear that this was the heart of what led to marital disintegration. . . . [Each spouse] responded to the self-centeredness of their partner with their own self-centeredness. Why? Self-centeredness by its very character makes you blind to your own while being hypersensitive, offended, and angered by that of others The result is always a downward spiral into self-pity, anger, and despair, as the relationship gets eaten away to nothing. (Hardcover, p. 57; paperback, pp. 55–56)
NO CONDEMNATION! Romans 8:13 speaks about putting to death our lifelong hostility to God’s lordship over our lives. Such a painful process must always be done against the background of the chapter’s ringing first verse: There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Knowing that our sins will not be met with condemnation, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, gives us the courage to confront the evils of our heart. In marriage Christian spouses must give each other something analogous. We must know that our sins and failures will be met with sympathy and forgiveness and help. This likewise gives us the freedom to be honest and the courage to tackle the changes we must make.
Reflection: How good are you at offering your spouse a critique against a background of “no condemnation”?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 8:1 and answer the question: “How would I be different if I believed this more deeply?” Then ask God to bring those things to reality in your life.
April 14
[T]he gospel, brought home to your heart by the Spirit, can make you happy enough to be humble, giving you an internal fullness that frees you to be generous with the other even when you are not getting the satisfaction you want out of the relationship. Without the help of the Spirit, without a continual refilling of your soul’s tank with the glory and love of the Lord, such submission to the interests of the other is virtually impossible . . . without becoming resentful. (Hardcover, pp. 57–58; paperback, p. 56)
MAKING THE MARRIAGE FLOURISH. We should not think of marital differences as “zero sum,” with one person always losing to the other. When writer Judith Viorst was asked for the secret of staying married for nearly sixty years, she replied: “The marriage is like a third thing. If we have a fight, if we make compromises, it’s not to the other person, it’s to the marriage. It’s different from losing. This was a third thing that we treasured and took very good care of.”47 Many marry for the sake of their own personal flourishing, and if they find themselves sacrificing for the other’s needs they are ready to leave. The goal of a Christian marriage is instead to see the marriage itself flourish, for a healthy marital bond honors God and serves you both.
Reflection: Discuss with each other how thinking of your marriage as a “third thing” can make sacrifices and compromises easier.
Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you avoid resentment over the compromises you have had to make in your marriage. Ask him to help you rejoice in the marriage itself and in the strengths of your spouse.
April 15
You can only afford to be generous if you actually have some money in the bank to give. . . . [So] if your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then any time he or she fails you, it will not just be a grief, but a psychological cataclysm. If, however, you know something of the work of the Spirit in your life, you have enough love “in the bank” to be generous to your spouse even when you are not getting much affection or kindness at the moment. (Hardcover, p. 58; paperback, p. 56)
LOVE ECONOMICS. This thought was my (Kathy’s) first introduction to the mind of Tim Keller. He wrote an article called “Love Economics” for a student Christian newspaper while still in college. Needless to say, I was impressed. Although he wasn’t speaking specifically about marriage in the article, but relationships in general, nevertheless this principle has helped us understand each stage of our relationship (beginning as acquaintances, progressing to friendship, then marriage). It was the first, foundational plank on which all our days together have been built—God fills us first; then we give to the other, rather than looking for what only God can give in a poor, needy, sinful human. We can only give ourselves freely to the other if “our cup runneth over” (Psalm 23:5).
Reflection: How does this principle help you understand where your relationship is today?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on 1 John 4:19–20, on the relationship between receiving love from God and giving love to others. Spend some time repenting for not loving as he loved you.
April 16
The deep happiness that marriage can bring, then, lies on the far side of sacrificial service in the power of the Spirit. That is, you only discover your own happiness after each of you have put the happiness of your spouse ahead of your own, in a sustained way, in response to what Jesus has done for you. (Hardcover, p. 58; paperback, p. 57)
ON THE FAR SIDE. Resurrection is promised, but it lies on the far side of crucifixion. In Psalm 34:19 and 20 it sounds as if God is giving a blanket promise that nothing bad will ever happen to one of his children: (19) “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; (20) he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” The apostles rightly interpreted verse 20 as applying to Jesus, as his bones were not broken during the crucifixion. But notice that God’s promised deliverance was on the far side of death and sacrifice, and not before. Every sacrifice of our self-absorption is a little crucifixion; life and restoration is promised as a result, not as a rescue from having to make the sacrifice.
Reflection: Husbands and wives, what was the last sacrifice you made for the other? Was he or she aware that you were making a sacrifice? Was it because you made a big deal out of it, or because you quietly put to death a selfish desire of your own?
Thought for prayer: Ask God for the patience to wait for the deeper love, freedom, and happiness that is only found on the far side of self-giving, self-control, and endurance.
April 17
Some will ask, “If I put the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own needs
—then what do I get out of it?” The answer is—happiness. That is what you get, but . . . a happiness that won’t be bad for you. It is the joy that comes from giving joy, from loving another person in a costly way. Today’s culture of the “Me-Marriage” finds this very proposal—of putting the interests of your spouse ahead of your own—oppressive. (Hardcover, p. 58; paperback, p. 57)
HAPPINESS GROWS OUT OF SACRIFICE. In the years since we wrote The Meaning of Marriage, people have only become more averse to the idea of sacrificing one’s interests and desires for the sake of anyone else. But therein lies the great paradox at the heart of our society. We want the happiness and liberation that comes from secure love relationships, but in order to get them one must surrender a great deal of one’s individual autonomy. That, however, is what we absolutely will not do. We have created a culture in which, as it were, “food itself turns out to be the very thing you can’t eat and home the very place you can’t live. . . . Then indeed there is no rescue possible: the last card has been played.”48 The only alternative is to trust what the Bible says, namely, that you must lose yourself in service to God and others in order to find yourself (Matthew 10:39).
Reflection: Can your friends and neighbors see a difference in the way you treat one another? Or does your marriage resemble everyone else’s “I’m for me” marriage?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 12:10 and Proverbs 11:25 about the “refreshment” of unselfish service. Then ask God to help both of you realize this freshness in your marriage.
April 18
Jesus . . . says, “Whoever wants to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25). He is saying, “If you seek happiness more than you seek me, you will have neither; if you seek to serve me more than serve happiness, you will have both.” Paul applies this principle to marriage. (Hardcover, p. 59; paperback, p. 58)
SOLID JOYS AND LASTING TREASURE. The reason Christians are so out of step with the world is that we have a savior who lost his life for us, and called us to take up our cross—not a cranky mother-in-law, or overbearing father-in-law, but our own selfishness—and follow him into death and sacrifice. This is the Good News of the gospel. That we don’t have to earn God’s love and acceptance, but that Jesus, in this life and death, earned his reward and then bequeathed it to us! Following such a savior with joy and gratitude means that the insignificant victories, minor pleasures, and transient happiness of this world are shown up for the flimsy cobwebs they truly are.
Let the world deride or pity,
I will glory in thy Name:
Fading is the worldling’s pleasure,
All his boasted pomp and show;
Solid joys and lasting treasure
None but Zion’s children know.49
Reflection: Do you know the solid joys and lasting treasure of being a child of God? How does it reveal itself in your marriage?
Thought for prayer: Ask the Lord to help you remember that, in your marriage as well as in all you do, that “Only one life, ‘twil soon be past; only what’s done for Christ will last.”50
April 19
Seek to serve one another rather than to be happy, and you will find a new and deeper happiness. Many couples have discovered this wonderful, unlooked-for reality. Why would this be true? It is because marriage is “instituted of God.” It was established by the God for whom self-giving love is an essential attribute, and therefore it reflects his nature, particularly as it is revealed in the person and work of Jesus Christ. (Hardcover, p. 59; paperback, p. 58)
SERVE AND GIVE. Human beings were created in God’s image. That means that we share some of the same characteristics that God himself displays—holiness, self-giving, generous creativity, compassion, justice, and forgiveness. To abandon those parts of our nature is to hate ourselves, to be out of joint with the universe, to be separated from all that is life-giving. To desire to be served rather than to serve separates us from our savior, who explicitly told his followers that “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28).
Reflection: Do you stand amazed and stunned by the generosity of God revealed in the person and work of Jesus? Does your spouse ever find herself or himself stunned by your generosity and sacrifice for her or his welfare and happiness?
Thought for prayer: Ask the Lord to prevent you from keeping accounts—of thinking what your spouse owes you, or even what you owe him or her. Ask him to give each of you his own spirit of generosity.
April 20
[T]o be part of . . . a greater unity, you have to surrender your independence. . . . Paul says that this ability to deny your own rights, to serve and put the good of the whole over your own is not instinctive; indeed, it’s unnatural, but it is the very foundation of marriage. This sounds oppressive, but that’s just the way relationships work. (Hardcover, p. 60; paperback, pp. 58–59)
INTERDEPENDENCE. The more our culture invests in online relationships, the harder it becomes for people to learn the skills necessary for maintaining actual face-to-face relationships. One can unfriend or ghost a person digitally without having to explain, apologize, or even acknowledge the issue that led to the dissolution of the relationship. This will make marriage all the more difficult, as the surrender of one’s autonomy is almost the definition of marriage. The most basic of wedding vows is to love “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.” With those words you exchange your independence for interdependence, which runs directly in opposition to our natural selfishness.
Reflection: Were there any relationships (roommates, siblings, parents, friends) that prepared you for the mutual surrender of independence that marriage requires? How well are you doing at consulting with one another before making decisions?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 22:25, in which the suffering servant—Jesus—speaks of fulfilling his vows. Thank the Lord for being faithful to his vows to save us. Ask him to make you just as faithful to your wedding vows to love your spouse.
April 21
Fulfillment is on the far side of sustained unselfish service, not the near side. It is one of the universal principles of life. [As C. S. Lewis says:] Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. . . . The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. . . . Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. (Hardcover, p. 60; paperback, p. 59)51
CULTURAL CONTRADICTION. This message is a direct contradiction to all the movies, television, self-help books, and messages of our culture. They tell us that the only path to fulfillment is to care about ME, and ignore the wishes and needs of everyone who might stand in our way. The end result of concentrating on ME is that all I end up with is myself—no love, no sustaining friendships, no viewpoints to challenge my own. The plunge in the fertility rate is directly tied to this attitude. Our culture tells us that no relationship should be a binding obligation, but of course parenting is—we can’t divorce our children.52 Children cannot be negotiated with. Their needs take priority no matter how busy or stressed we are. If you are unpracticed at sacrifice, children will come as a shock. So will marriage.
Reflection: Does “losing your life” sound like an invitation to abuse? When Jesus says “No one takes my life, I willingly lay it down” does that clarify things?
Thought for prayer: Thank the Lord that when he was dying on the cross and he saw us rejecting him, he stayed anyway and loved us. Ask him for the same faithfulness in all your relationships and especially marriage.
April 22
We are always, always the last
to see our self-absorption. Our hurts and wounds can make our self-centeredness even more intractable. When you point out selfish behavior to a wounded person they say, “Well, maybe so, but you don’t understand what it is like.” The wounds justify the behavior. (Hardcover, pp. 61–62; paperback, pp. 60–61)
PAST HURTS AND PRESENT BEHAVIOR. Self-absorption derives from sinful selfishness, our desire to make the whole world revolve around us and our desires and needs. But it is not always right to simply tell self-absorbed people to “just stop it!” Those who have experienced physical, sexual, or extreme emotional abuse may not be able to change behavior with a mere exercise of the will. They may be trapped in bad relationships and behavior through a complex of fears, distorted beliefs, and false guilt. They will need patient gentleness and love as well as truth-speaking. Nevertheless, we must not use hurts inflicted on us in the past as excuses for irresponsible actions now. We must neither see abuse everywhere nor nowhere. How we need the Lord’s wisdom (James 1:5) to help each other without hurting!
Reflection: A victim of extreme emotional abuse may not be able to confront his or her abuser without help. Have either of you experienced abuse? What effects of it are still with you? What can be done now?
Thought for prayer: Ask the Lord to show you if there are things done to you in the past that may still be controlling you through abiding anger, fear, or sorrow. Ask him to give you the tools of his grace to heal these wounds.
The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional Page 10