The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional
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April 23
[I]t is argued it is only because they lack healthy self-esteem [that people are self-centered]. So . . . tell them to be good to themselves, live for themselves, not for others. . . . [But this] assumes that self-centeredness isn’t natural, that it is only the product of some kind of mistreatment. No major religion in the world actually teaches that, yet this is the popular level view of many people. . . . But this view of things simply doesn’t work. A marriage relationship unavoidably entails self-denial, even in the most mundane day-to-day living. (Hardcover, p. 62; paperback, p. 61)
INFINITELY PRECIOUS. Arguing that self-centered people (which means all of us) need to become more self-centered as a cure for low self-esteem seems odd at best. Low self-esteem is still a way to concentrate on oneself, to obsess over one’s own problems and deficiencies. If you are being mistreated, you must stop the perpetrator from doing so (see yesterday’s devotional), but that alone is not the cure. Nor is having others tell you how good and talented you are at this or that. Only the unconditional loving arms of Jesus, who knows all our tears and sorrows better than we do ourselves, will be sufficient to fill us with what we need. He loved us enough to die for us; we are infinitely precious to him.
Reflection: In what ways do you convey the love of Christ to your spouse? When he or she is sad, lonely, hurting, or haunted by the past, how can your love, joined to that of Christ, aid in healing?
Thought for prayer: Ask God to give you such a strong sense of being rich in his love, his salvation, his blessings, his promises of future glory that you never feel impoverished or diminished by the ordinary daily sacrifices of marital love.
April 24
The Christian approach begins with a different analysis of the situation. We believe that, as badly wounded as persons may be, the resulting self-absorption of the human heart was not caused by the mistreatment, it was only magnified and shaped by it. . . . This is not to say that wounded people don’t need great gentleness, tender treatment, affirmation, and patience. It is just that this is not the whole story. (Hardcover, pp. 62–63; paperback, pp. 61–62)
A MULTITUDE OF CAUSES. While we can be damaged by people sinning against us, nevertheless no one begins life in a pristine spiritual condition. Psalms 14:2–3 and 58:3 remind us that we are prone to sin, selfishness, and lying as soon as we are born. But just as a bodily infection can be exacerbated by poor nutrition, lack of sleep, and stress, so a sinful nature can be further inflamed by harsh treatment, isolation, ignorance, poverty, and other factors, both internal and external. Christians must address with compassion the social causes of spiritual ills without losing sight of the need for a new birth, a new heart, and the forgiveness offered in Christ. We cannot chalk up problems to only social forces (the default of liberal politics) or only personal irresponsibility (the default of conservative politics).
Reflection: What social ills may have injured those around you, including your spouse? As you hold out Christ to them as the lover of their souls, what are you also doing to alleviate the social conditions that make everything worse?
Thought for prayer: Ask God for wisdom and help in treating both your own flaws and sins and those of others with the balance that comes from knowing we both sin and are sinned against.
April 25
Both people crippled by inferiority complexes and those who are arrogant and have superiority complexes are centered on themselves, obsessed with how . . . they are being perceived and treated. It would be easy to help someone out of an inferiority complex into a superiority complex and have them no better furnished to live life well. . . . [A]ll people must be challenged to see that their self-centeredness hasn’t been caused by the people who hurt them; it’s only been aggravated. . . . And they must do something about it, or they’re going to be miserable forever. (Hardcover, p. 63; paperback, pp. 62–63)
CHERISHED SIN. C. S. Lewis’s novel The Great Divorce imagines a bus tour to heaven for people living in hell. They can stay if they repent, but all except one decides to return—most are too far gone in their self-centeredness to want anything to do with heaven. In one memorable scene, a woman “who began with a grumbling mood” has parlayed that into a life of grievance that has reduced her “to nothing but a grumble.” If life goes on eternally (and it does), then a cherished sin or a posture of “your life to serve me” will indeed make you miserable forever. Acts of self-absorption—such as turning inward to nourish resentments, never forgiving others or letting go of grudges, and treating all relationships as transactional—consume the soul. What may have begun small, over the length of eternity, grows into a monstrosity.
Reflection: How do you challenge your own self-centeredness? Are you prepared to turn away from whatever idol you worship in order to give yourself wholly to God, and to his people?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 73:16–17 and ask God to save you from the blurred vision, distorted thinking, and denial that increases our natural self-centeredness and tendency to self-justification. Ask him to help you see things clearly.
April 26
[T]hree things usually happen. First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is. Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are. And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse’s selfishness is more problematic than your own. This is especially true if you feel that you’ve had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt. (Hardcover, p. 64; paperback, p. 63)
FLAWED YET LOVED. This is the experience commonly referred to sardonically as “the honeymoon is over”—when the scales of ecstatic love fall from your eyes and you both notice that the person you married is a sinner. And as Jesus pointed out, the speck in that person’s eye always appears greater to you than the beam in your own eye (Matthew 7:3–5). Surely if we have found our soul mate, if we have chosen our partner wisely, then this wouldn’t be happening! Well, it always does, but we are more ill-prepared for it than past generations. There are two solutions. First, look at yourself and remember your spouse will find you hard to live with, and second, look at the Lord who loved you forever despite your flaws and sins.
Reflection: What “specks” do you focus on trying to make your spouse change? List the “beams” in your own life that need to be changed.
Thought for prayer: Ask God for the two things you will need in order to be able to regularly forgive and love your spouse despite their sins and failures: a view of your own sin, and a view of his infinite love for you.
April 27
[Y]ou could decide that your woundedness is more fundamental than your self-centeredness, and determine that unless your spouse sees the problems you have and takes care of you, it’s not going to work out. Of course, your spouse will probably not do this—especially if he or she is thinking almost the exact same thing about you! And so what follows is the development of emotional distance. . . . No one changes for the other; there is only tit-for-tat bargaining. (Hardcover, p. 64; paperback, p. 64)
WHO HURTS MOST? When Tim and I were first married, one of us might say or do something intemperate. When the other spouse pointed it out, the response would be, “I’ve had a hard day.” Rather than accepting this excuse the other would retort, “I’ve had a harder one.” We eventually called this the “I’m more messed up than you” game. The “winner” wanted to be able to sulk, ignore responsibilities and relational necessities, while the “loser” had to put his or her own needs on hold to care for the other. We wasted a lot of time until we were able to name it as indeed a bitter “game” or contest. That helped us catch ourselves doing it in the early stages, mock ourselves, and move on. Usually.
Reflection: Are you familiar with “the game”? What if you both decided to be caregivers, in spite of your own pressing needs? Do you see any other such “games” in your relationship?
April 28
The alternative to this truce-marriage is to . . . treat [your selfishness] more seriously than you do your spouse’s. Why? Only you have complete access to your own selfishness and . . . complete responsibility for it. So each spouse should . . . stop making excuses for selfishness, . . . to root it out as it’s revealed to you, and to do so regardless of what your spouse is doing. If two spouses each say, “I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,” you have the prospect of a truly great marriage. (Hardcover, pp. 64–65; paperback, p. 64)
THE ONLY PERSON. The truism “the only person you can change is yourself” is a hopeful thought for any married person, but particularly for those in difficult marriages. No amount of finger pointing, yelling, shaming, or arguing will change another person. But if you, with God’s help, begin to change, at the very least life will become bearable; and at best your spouse may choose to begin making changes as well. Some people may need to change in the direction of speaking the truth in love; for others, it may mean giving your mouth a rest and loving with your actions.
Reflection: Do you tend to talk and nag people as a strategy for change? What would be a better place to start?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Ecclesiastes 3:7 about “a time to tear and a time to mend; a time to be silent and a time to speak.” Then ask God to help you know the difference, when it is time to do what.
April 29
It may be that [only] one of you decides to [work on your self-centeredness]. . . . Usually there is not much immediate response from the other side. But often, over time, your attitude and behavior will begin to soften your partner. . . . [I]t will be easier for your spouse to admit his or her faults because you are no longer always talking about them yourself. (Hardcover, p. 65; paperback, p. 65)
CHANGES. If you do decide to make sacrifices in your own habits and practices, try not to make an announcement with great fanfare. Just change! You aren’t making changes for the applause of an audience (your spouse), but to please your savior, Jesus, who sees and knows and will help you to change.
Reflection: Without argument or debate, ask your spouse to help you make a list of things he or she would like to see you change.
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Galatians 1:10 and Romans 2:29. Ask God to help you want his approval and his applause so that you do not need it from human beings.
April 30
God asks that you deny yourself to find yourself, to lose yourself to find yourself. If you try to do this without the work of the Spirit, and without belief in all Christ has done for you, then simply giving up your rights and desires will be galling and hardening. But in Christ and with the Spirit, it will be liberating. (Hardcover, pp. 65–66; paperback, p. 65)
THE JESUS MOTIVATION. Unless Jesus is your motivation and your motive power, desire to change will soon give way to resentment—whether of your spouse not noticing (it takes a while to prove that you have really changed for good) or of he or she seeming not to care. Yet, ultimately, it is the love of Christ that compels you to respond in love to him. Your growth in Christ is assured if you belong to him. Otherwise, marriages fizzle out, worn out by too many fights and too little hope for any change. Instead, remember his promise that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).
Reflection: Is your motive for change in order to please your savior? Or is it a way of seizing the moral high ground in your marriage in order to manipulate your spouse?
Thought for prayer: Meditate on Philippians 1:6 until you get a joyful hope for your future and the future of your marriage. Then thank him for it.
May 1
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. . . . Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. (Genesis 2:24, 4:19)
WHERE DID MARRIAGE COME FROM? Earlier in this book we explored the purposes of marriage. They include deep, joyful companionship, unity across difference, procreation, all through an exclusive covenant serving as a sign of Christ’s salvation through sacrifice. Only against this backdrop can the Bible’s various prohibitions—against polygamy and adultery, unwarranted divorce, homosexuality, or any sex outside of marriage—make sense. Many reading the Old Testament think it supports polygamy. But Genesis begins history with God giving Adam and Eve to each other alone. The two become one; there is no room for another. And the first person in the Bible to take two wives, Lamech, is a violent man (Genesis 4:23). Every place in Genesis we see polygamy, it results in misery. And Jesus himself says in Matthew 19:4–8 that God’s intention in the beginning was for “two to become one flesh” (verses 5 and 6). The Bible’s message is clear. Monogamy is not a Western idea—it is a biblical one.
Reflection: Consider the stories of Abraham and Jacob in Genesis, and of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. How does polygamy violate the biblical purposes of marriage?
Prayer: Lord, keep me from giving my heart to other things in such a way that it could detract from my intimacy, friendship, and trust with my spouse. Amen.
May 2
You cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. (Malachi 2:13–14)53
THE LORD AS WITNESS. One way God’s purposes for marriage can be thwarted is through unnecessary divorce. In the surrounding nations, marriage was a legal contract between the two partners witnessed by officials.54 But the Israelites understood it to be a covenant with the Lord as the witness. Each partner first swore loyalty to the covenant God, and this “vertical” commitment made the horizontal commitment to each other all the more binding. This created a marital relationship unique in ancient times. “The word companion . . . used in the masculine of a close friend . . . is used only here of a wife.”55 The covenant with God made the marital bond more intimate, and the breaking of it more grievous.
Reflection: Why would more intimate friendship be enabled by deeper commitment and trust?
Prayer: Lord, as our friend you lay down your life for us (John 15:13). So help me to gladly surrender my selfish interests, comforts, and many of my goals as I seek to love my spouse as you loved me. Amen.
May 3
Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. (Malachi 2:15–16)
INJUSTICE. The first reason that divorce is so grievous is that it breaks a covenant with God. Here are two more reasons. One of the purposes of marriage is “godly offspring”—children who grow up to know, serve, and enjoy the Lord. Children of divorce have two to three times more negative psychological and sociological outcomes, in itself a reason to avoid divorce.56 The third reason is that divorce commits injustice against your partner. The text literally says that divorce “covers your clothes with blood.” Breaking a marriage promise is an act of violence against your spouse. Despite the exceptions (see the following days), marriage was meant to be for life.57 We are to stay married for God’s sake, the children’s sake, and your spouse’s sake.
Reflection: This seems to support “staying together for the children’s sake.” What kind of “staying together” would be good and what kind would be bad?
Prayer: Lord, I want to thank you for being patient with me and faithful to me, though I have been constantly a very imperfect spiritual spouse to you. Amen.
May 4
“Haven’t you read,” [Jesus] replied . . . “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3–9)
THE FIRST GROUND FOR DIVORCE. The Bible allows grounds for divorce. Jesus says marriage was instituted by God as permanent, yet he recognized Moses’ divorce laws because “the hardness of your hearts” brought about conditions in which it was warranted. The first condition is adultery. God designed sex as a covenantal act—as a way to signify and strengthen the giving of one’s whole life to someone. So to have sex with someone else is to become “one flesh” with them (cf. 1 Corinthians 6:16). That breaks the “one-flesh” union with your spouse, freeing the party who has been wronged to divorce and marry again.58 Such a solemn view of adultery seems quaint today, but divorce was even easier in Jesus’s day, and so the teaching was as radical then as it is now.