The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  NOT FULLY KNOWN. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were originally “naked and unashamed.” They were naked, meaning they could see each other wholly, all the way to the core. Also, they were unashamed, meaning that they were not rejected but completely loved and accepted. So the Bible depicts the situation we were designed for—to be fully known and fully loved. There are two situations that fall short of this. The first is to be loved but not known for who you are. That is fleetingly pleasant, but it creates anxiety and leads to hiding and shame as well. If we are sure we would be rejected if we are known, we won’t be able to enjoy and rest in the love we are getting at the present.

  Reflection: What are the disadvantages of being loved but not to have your sins and flaws fully known by the lover?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on 1 John 3:19–20, that when our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts; he knows everything, but accepts us. Ask him to give you that assurance, so you can have the courage to be honest with your spouse.

  June 23

  To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us. (Hardcover, p. 95; paperback, p. 101)

  NOT FULLY LOVED. We saw yesterday that we want to be fully known and fully loved at the same time. One way to fall short of that in marriage is “love without truth”—loving someone but not knowing about their flaws. The second way is when a person who loves us makes a deeper discovery of our selfishness, foolishness, and flaws—and responds with disillusionment, anger, and recriminations. This is “truth without love,” and unfortunately it is a natural response. Only the gospel can make each spouse capable of seeing each other to the bottom and still forgiving and loving. It starts with remembering that Jesus saw us wholly and yet loved us fully, forgiving us eternally.

  Reflection: How, specifically, can you use the knowledge of Jesus’s saving love for you to help you love a flawed spouse?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Hebrews 4:13, which says nothing is hidden from God, but also John 17:23, which says the Father loves you even as he loves Jesus. Thank God for knowing you fully and yet loving you completely.

  June 24

  The kind of love-life I am talking about is not devoid of passion, but it’s not the same kind of passion. . . . When Kathy first held my hand, it was an almost electrical thrill . . . [b]ut as I look back on that initial sensation, I realize that it came not so much from the magnitude of my love for her, but rather from the flattery of her choice of me. . . . There is no comparison with what it means to hold my wife’s hand now, after all we’ve been through. (Hardcover, pp. 95–96; paperback, p. 101)

  THE PROCESS—RECONCILIATION. Over the years in a healthy marriage there will be a process of discovering more and more sin in one another and doing mutual repentance and forgiveness. The repentance offered humbles you away from the superiority and self-pity that makes forgiveness hard. But forgiveness offered builds you up so you can more readily admit your flaws. After every cycle of mutual repentance and forgiveness, you are slightly better known and slightly better loved. As time goes on, this leads to a deep love and passion for each other, but it may feel different from the “sexual chemistry” that occurs between two people who mainly love each other’s admiration.

  Reflection: Think of ways that the two kinds of love and passion—that of new lovers and that of spouses in healthy marriages after decades—would differ.

  Thought for prayer: Think of the line of the hymn: “’Twas grace that brought us safe thus far; And grace shall lead us home.” Simply thank God for this fact and promise.

  June 25

  [After thirty-five years] we know each other thoroughly now, we have shared innumerable burdens, we have repented, forgiven, and been reconciled to each other over and over. There is certainly passion. But the passion we share now differs from the thrill we had then like a noisy but shallow brook differs from a quieter but much deeper river. Passion may lead you to make a wedding promise, but then that promise over the years makes that passion richer and deeper. (Hardcover, p. 96; paperback, p. 101)

  THE PROCESS—TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS. Another way that love deepens over time is through suffering. Suffering is inevitable. No amount of success or planning can make you impervious to troubles like the loss of a loved one, debilitating illness, relational betrayal, financial and career reversals. When these things happen, your spouse needs to be the most primary of your comforts. Your marriage should be a shock absorber. Usually it takes time and many painful conversations to discover how to best support your spouse in such times. But if you push on together through these times, you will be amazed at how they weld you together at a level impossible to reach any other way.

  Reflection: Think of ways that trials and troubles have brought you together with your spouse.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Hebrews 12:11, on how suffering is like sowing seeds—at first it is laborious and you see nothing good, but later it yields fruit. Ask God to help you take that perspective on the difficulties you are experiencing now.

  June 26

  Isn’t romantic love something that must be completely free and uncoerced? And isn’t it inevitable that intense desire for someone else simply can’t be sustained and, therefore, it is inevitable that we must be free to seek another person who can reawaken the joy of love in us? Therefore, isn’t it true that fully monogamous, lifelong marriage is the enemy of romantic affection? (Hardcover, p. 96; paperback, p. 102)

  THE PROCESS—LIFELONG. To answer those questions above, let’s summarize what we have been learning. The romantic love we know in the beginning of our relationship is based on the initial pleasure of ego affirmation, and on an image of the other person that is in part illusion. A deeper, less self-involved, and more sustained passion comes from repeated cycles of repentance and forgiveness and of bearing each other’s burdens in times of trial, until you slowly experience what it means to be both known and loved at the same time. That known-and-yet-loved experience, the greatest of all, is not possible without all of this. Lifelong monogamy, therefore, is not the enemy of romance, it is one of its conditions.

  Reflection: Answer the questions (in the quote above) in your own words, drawing on your own experience.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Malachi 1:2 and 3:6, which say that because God’s love is absolutely unchangeable, we are not destroyed. Ask God to give you both something of his unchangeable love for one another.

  June 27

  [Kierkegaard describes “the aesthete” who] claims to be a free individual. Life should be thrilling, full of “beauty and sparkle,” he says. . . . But Kierkegaard says . . . [he] is not master of himself at all . . . If [your] wife loses her beautiful skin and countenance or [your] husband puts on the pounds, the aesthete begins to look around for someone more beautiful. If [your] spouse develops a debilitating illness, the aesthete begins to feel that life is pointless. But, says Kierkegaard, such a person is being completely controlled by external circumstances. (Hardcover, p. 97; paperback, pp. 102–3)

  BLOWN ABOUT. Here we have Kierkegaard using his own terms and images to argue for the Christian understanding of romance and marriage. He uses the term “aesthete” to describe a man or woman whose attraction to a spouse is highly superficial. The moment the spouse begins to lose his or her looks or become high maintenance, the aesthete finds “the love going out of the marriage.” The glow and electricity of the romance for the aesthete comes from the thought that this beautiful, cool, sophisticated, pulled-together person loves me. But when the person starts to look less beautiful, the aesthete’s ability to affirm diminishes. Kierkegaard adds that the aesthete is like a weather vane totally blown about by the wi
nds of life. The love that comes from vows is different.

  Reflection: “The aesthete” is a negative image but it is somewhat true of most of us. To what extent have the attitudes Kierkegaard mentions been true of you?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 5:8, how Christ loved us and gave himself for us “while we were yet sinners.” Ask for help to love your spouse and others in the same, sustained, unconditional way.

  June 28

  Only if you commit yourself to loving in action, day in and day out, even when feelings and circumstances are in flux, can you truly be a free individual and not a pawn of outside forces. Also, only if you maintain your love for someone when it is not thrilling can you be said to be actually loving a person . . . [and not merely] the feelings, thrills, ego rush, and experiences that the other person brings. (Hardcover, p. 97; paperback, p. 103)

  LOVE THEM FOR THEIR SAKE. When we begin with the Lord, we are concerned more about what God can give us than with God himself. We come seeking meaning, or forgiveness, or strength, or happiness, or direction, or hope. These are all things we can’t live without, and it is right to seek them in God. Yet if we grow in our relationship with the Lord, we will come to see we at first were loving the things we got from God, rather than God himself. We did not get our highest delight in delighting him—which is the essence of real, self-giving love. Well, that’s how we start in marriage, and that’s the goal of marriage—to love your spouse for who they are, not what they bring you.

  Reflection: If you are meant to grow toward loving God and loving your spouse for themselves alone, how are you doing in both relationships?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalms 62:1–2 and 27:4. Then admit to God you are helpless to love him for himself alone unless he intervenes and shows you more of his beauty and excellence.

  June 29

  [I]t is the covenantal commitment that enables married people to become people who love each other. Only with time do we really learn who the other person is and come to love the person for him- or herself, and not just for the feelings and experiences they give us. . . . Eventually all this leads to wells of memory and depths of feeling and enjoyment of the other person that frames and enhances the still crucial episodes of romantic, sexual passion in your married life. (Hardcover, p. 98; paperback, p. 104)

  THE ATTRACTION OF HISTORY. Most young couples fear the loss of sexual energy as the years go by and their bodies age and become less attractive. However, the visual stimulation of a beautiful physique is not the only factor in attraction. Others are character and history. The more you have seen a person act admirably and courageously, act lovingly and graciously, act selflessly and sacrificially, the more your attraction grows even as the body ages. We have said that sex is a “covenant renewal ceremony,” a time in which your life together can flash before your eyes and you remember all you’ve been through and all you mean to each other. That creates passion and intimacy as well. Physical beauty becomes more like icing on the cake.

  Reflection: Do you have sex the first and early way, or have you begun to transition to the long-term way?

  Thought for prayer: Make a simple list of a half dozen things about your spouse that you have witnessed over the years for which you are thankful. Then, in the presence of one another, thank God for them.

  June 30

  Our emotions are not under our control, but our actions are. Most of our likes and dislikes are neither sins nor virtues—no more than our tastes in food or music. What matters is what we do with them. If, as our culture encourages us, we go so far as to define love as “liking”—if we only feel that actions of love are “authentic” if there are strong feelings of love present—we will inevitably be bad friends and even more terrible . . . spouses. (Hardcover, p. 99; paperback, p. 105)

  SELF-COMMUNION. It helps to think of yourself as the Scripture does—having more than one self—an old self still operating on the principles of fear and pride and a new self grounding itself in God. Dr. D. M. Lloyd-Jones sees Psalm 42 as an example, and asks: “Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning . . . they bring back the problem of yesterday, etc. . . . Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you.” Instead the psalmist says: “‘Why art thou cast down, O my soul?’ . . . His soul had been repressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: ‘Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you.’”77 Don’t identify the fearful, angry self as your truest self. “Put off the old self . . . be made new in the attitude of your minds” (Ephesians 4:22–23).

  Reflection: Choose one problem or issue in your life and think of how this approach could be used on it.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 42–43. See how the psalmist deals with himself. Ask God for help in doing the same thing with a fear you are experiencing now.

  July 1

  Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)

  ONE ANOTHER. The New Testament calls Christians to a mutual ministry to “one another.” We will look at some of them this week. If all believers are required to do these things, how much more effort should Christian spouses make to intentionally weave these practices and attitudes into their relationship? Here’s the first one. To “honor” means both to show respect in general and to give credit for accomplishments and sacrifices. “Above yourselves” means to be more concerned to give praise than to seek it. Remember Jesus, seeing his disciples fall asleep on him in his moment of greatest need, said, “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). That is like saying, “I know you meant well.” Amazing that he found something to affirm in them even when they were letting him down.

  Reflection: Do you regularly acknowledge and sometimes celebrate what your spouse has done? How good are you at this?

  Prayer: Lord, the very wonder and glory of our salvation is that you love and accept us, and even praise us (Romans 2:29) despite our sin. Make us people who love to affirm and give praise to others.

  July 2

  Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! (James 5:9)

  DON’T GRUMBLE. The word “grumble” (stenazdo) means to groan or sigh, to express frustration and disdain, especially nonverbally. It means to talk to your spouse with a dismissive tone of voice, or with the rolling of your eyes that belittles or makes the other person feel small. It can also mean speaking with a complaining tone that makes your spouse feel browbeaten. This is not merely a failure to give honor (see yesterday). It takes away honor by chipping away at his or her self-respect rather than building it up. There is a sting in the tail of this exhortation. Christians know Jesus came to bear our judgment so that on the Last Day we will not be condemned. How inappropriate to be judgmental to our spouse even in little things!

  Reflection: Assess together how good (or bad) each of you are at this in your marriage.

  Prayer: Lord, even though you have showered us with both supernatural and natural gifts and blessings, we are quick to grumble against you and each other. Help us come to our senses, get perspective, and always have a spirit of gratitude and joy in you. Amen.

  July 3

  In Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts. . . . [I]f it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement. . . . Do not be proud. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:5–8, 15)

  AFFIRMATIVE DISCERNMENT. The church must help its members discern and use the spiritual talents and gifts that they have been given by God. Spouses should do this, too. Don’t just be affirmative in general. Say: “You are very good at this. How can you do more of it?” Discern the specific gift and support them in using it. Paul adds, a few verses later, that we cannot do a good job of such affirmative discernment if we are self-absorbed. It takes sustained,
patient observation and listening. Both the arrogant and those filled with self-pity have their eyes too fixed on themselves to notice the perhaps only embryonic gifts and abilities in their spouse.

  Reflection: In general, how good are you at “affirmative discernment” with one another? Make a short list of two talents or gifts the other spouse has and share it with them.

  Prayer: Lord, you don’t just love us in general, you have given each of your children gifts and distinct ways to serve people and meet needs. Help us to help each other better know the unique mission in life you have given us to do. Amen.

  July 4

  All the brothers and sisters here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss. (1 Corinthians 16:20)

  AFFECTION. Christians are often told to “greet one another with a holy kiss” (Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12) or “with a kiss of love” (1 Peter 5:14). It was a way to testify that in Christ they were truly a reconciled family.78 The point was that Christians were to communicate love and affection in a visible way. How much more should spouses not be cold, clipped, abrupt, indifferent, and harsh with one another. More than that, we must be willing to actually talk about how much we love each other. This does not come easy to some of us who (we would say) are not naturally “gushy” and sentimental. But regardless of temperament, we must concretely communicate love through word and gesture daily, even hourly.