The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  Reflection: For the same reasons that spouses should both be Christians, they should also be Christians who are both growing together, becoming more and more mature in their understanding of the Word and practice of the faith. Is one of you falling behind the other?

  Prayer: Lord, help us to together “grow in the grace and knowledge” of you (2 Peter 3:18). Don’t let either of us fall behind the other, so we can love each other such that others will know you came into the world (John 17:20–23). Amen.

  October 8

  Tim and I . . . have found that in submitting to our own divinely assigned gender roles that we discovered one of God’s great gifts for getting in touch with our deepest selves, as well as entering into the Great Dance of the universe. And no, this did not involve me developing a taste for frilly clothing, nor Tim taking up car maintenance. (Hardcover, pp. 171–72; paperback, p. 193)

  GENDER TYPICAL? Neither Tim nor I would describe ourselves as “gender typical.” I, Kathy, am more blunt, forceful, and aggressive; Tim is more conciliatory, seeking consensus rather than conflict. God has not called us to change our temperaments to resemble stereotypical male and female behavior. In particular we are not to imitate the characteristic sins of each gender. Indeed, we have been called to step into biblical marital roles that do not come automatically or easily to us. Tim is not temperamentally eager to be a leader. However, we follow the Scripture in order to model before the world the way Jesus loves his Bride, the Church. In order to submit to our roles we have had to rely more deeply on God’s grace than if it came naturally to us.

  Reflection: Husbands, can you take on the “Jesus role” of loving your wife as Christ loves the Church? Wives, can you take on the role of the submissive servant, as Jesus did in Philippians 2, still aware of your equality, but setting it aside in order to glorify God?

  Thought for prayer: Together, share with each other the particular ways in which each of you struggles with these biblical guidelines. Then pray for each other.

  October 9

  [Genesis 1:27] means that our maleness or our femaleness is not incidental to our humanness but constitutes its very essence. God does not make us into a generic humanity that is later differentiated; rather from the start we are male or female. Every cell in our body is stamped as XX or XY. This means I cannot understand myself if I try to ignore the way God has designed me or if I despise the gifts he may have given to help me fulfill my calling. (Hardcover, p. 172; paperback, p. 194)

  GENDER DISCOMFORT. Some people become uncomfortable with their physical birth sex and cannot feel at home in their bodies. To have your feelings sharply out of accord with your body is a life-dominating grief. As Christians, we of all people should be able to show understanding and compassion, knowing how the fall (Genesis 3) has twisted what God pronounced “good” when he made humanity into a binary-gendered reflection of his nature. But we also know that only through being in Christ’s Body—through the change in identity that comes from being a child in his family—does anyone find ultimate relief from their sense of dislocation in the world (Ephesians 1:9–10, 22). So be understanding, and yet point people—and your own heart—to God, “our eternal home” (John 14:1–4).

  Reflection: Do you know anyone who expresses gender discomfort? Have you shown understanding and compassion? Do you love them enough to talk to them about Jesus and identity in him?

  Thought for prayer: Pray for anyone you know in this situation, and all those you don’t. Ask God to give them relief in the way most aligned with wisdom and compassion.

  October 10

  At the same time, Genesis shows us that men and women were created with absolute equality. Both are equally made in the image of God, equally blessed, and equally given “dominion” over the earth. This means that men and women together, in full participation, must carry out God’s mandate to build civilization and culture. Both men and women are called to do science and art, to build families and human communities. (Hardcover, pp. 172–73; paperback, p. 194)

  GENDER DIVERSITY. It’s common to say that diversity always makes a team stronger. The difference in viewpoints leads to creativity; the variance in abilities means the whole group is far stronger than any one member. Rather than creating two identical humans, God created two humans equally in his image and gave each of them a diverse spectrum of gifts and abilities. Since they express themselves differently in various cultures and personalities, the diversity is even greater. God meant us to utilize the insights and effectiveness that men and women produce when working together—in marriage, family, church, and community. In order to care for his creation and be “subcreators” under his kingship, men and women must strive to bring out the best in one another, valuing and praising each person’s distinct contribution.

  Reflection: Do you value the contributions your spouse makes to your marriage? Do you treat his or her ideas, work, sacrifice, and critiques as being as valuable as your own? Are there ways you could do this even better?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God for the patience and humility it takes to receive this gift of gender diversity, and not to wish the person you loved was not so deeply different.

  October 11

  God tells us to be “fruitful” and “fill the earth.” Here God gives the human race the mandate to procreate . . . a reflection of his own boundless life-giving creativity. But, obviously, this wonderful gift of creating new human life is something we can only carry out together. . . . [T]he sexes, while equal in dignity and worth, are complementary. . . . Genesis 2, in which a piece of the man is removed to create the woman, strongly implies that each is incomplete without the other. . . . Each sex is gifted for different steps in the same Great Dance. (Hardcover, pp. 173–74; paperback, pp. 194–96)

  GENDER AND GOD’S IMAGE. We live in a world of color, not one of all shades of black and white. Music depends on the harmony of parts for its most beautiful expression, and the fecundity of plant and animal life is astonishing. Only this variety can “tell of the glory of God” (Psalm 19:1). No single tree, flower, note, or creature can capture the full creativity and joy of the Creator. In the same way, one gender could not have reflected the image of a personal God, who has been Creative Love from all eternity (Genesis 1:26–27). Apparently the paired polarities of male and female reflect the richness of the Triune God in a way that no one person or gender could do.

  Reflection: Do you value the ways in which your spouse differs from you, or do you find it annoying? Whether you have children or not, do you as a couple support the development of the next generation? How could you do more?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God that he has prescribed gender diversity for marriage. Admit that you can hardly grasp how it is possible, but thank him for the privilege of reflecting his character to the world through your relationship.

  October 12

  [In] Genesis 3 . . . both man and woman sin against God and are expelled from the garden of Eden. We immediately see the catastrophic change in the unity between man and woman. The air is filled with blame shifting, finger pointing, and accusation. Rather than their Otherness becoming a source of completion, it becomes an occasion for oppression and exploitation. (Hardcover, p. 174; paperback, p. 196)

  THE CURSE ON GENDER: 1. When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they overturned what had been pronounced “good” and turned it sour, corrupted, and corrosive. Partnership turned into oppression, declarations of ecstatic love became accusation, and toxic masculinity was born in the first moments of a broken new world. One of the results of sin is that husbands will seek to tyrannize their wives and women in general (Genesis 3:16).121 Jesus is lifted up as the authority who never dominates, only serves (Luke 22:27). Yet the image of God remains in every human being, no matter how debased by sin it may have become. Nor should we think that sin has affected one gender more than the other.

  Reflection: Talk together, candidly and graciously, about the ways
in which the husband’s masculine personality needs to be refined or changed.

  Thought for prayer: Together pray that Jesus—with his sacrificial love for the church—could be an inspiration for the husband in your marriage, in order to make the changes that are necessary.

  October 13

  In Jesus Christ’s person and work we begin to see a restoration of the original unity and love between the sexes. Jesus both elevates and underlines the equality of women as co-bearers of the image of God and the creation mandate, and he also redeems the roles given to man and woman at the beginning by inhabiting them, both as servant-head and ’ezer-subordinate. (Hardcover, p. 174; paperback, p. 196)

  THE CURSE ON GENDER: 2. Read through the Gospel of John, noting all the places where Jesus calls himself equal with God, as well as the places where he claims that he has come only to do God’s will, not his (5:17–18, 19–23, 30; 6:38; 7:16–18; 8:16, 19, 28–29, 54–58; 10:29–30; 12:49–50; 13:3; 14:31; 16:15; 17:1–5, 10, 24–25). Well, which is it? Is Jesus equal with God from all eternity, or is he submissive to the Father’s words and executing the Father’s plans? Yes! Jesus is both equally God, and also the submissive servant. With him as our model neither should the wife use submission as an excuse for weakness, nor should the husband use submission as an excuse for domination.

  Reflection: Talk together, candidly and graciously, about the ways in which the wife’s feminine personality needs to be refined or changed.

  Thought for prayer: Together pray that Jesus—with his willingness to submit to the Father—could be an inspiration for the wife in your marriage, in order to make the changes that are necessary.

  October 14

  In [Philippians 2:5–11] we see taught both the essential equality of the First and Second Persons of the Godhead, and yet the voluntary submission of the Son to the Father to secure our salvation. Let me emphasize that Jesus’s willing acceptance of this role was wholly voluntary, a gift to his Father. I discovered here that my submission in marriage was a gift I offered, not a duty coerced from me. (Hardcover, p. 175; paperback, pp. 196–97)

  GENDER MENTORS. So husbands and wives acknowledge equality and celebrate difference. More importantly, each one mentors the other. While the Bible does not give us detailed lists of gender differences, because in each culture and couple they express themselves somewhat differently, nevertheless in each case there will be things each of you, in your gender, is weaker at and so you will need the other’s help. In heaven we will all (men and women) be God’s sons, as well as (men and women) his beloved Bride. These things are mysteries beyond our understanding, but in living them out in our marriages we experience some small measure of the joy we will receive when all is fully known.

  Reflection: Husband, how do you celebrate your wife’s full equality with you? Wife, how do you voluntarily offer your submission as a gift?

  Thought for prayer: Together ask the Lord to show you the particular ways in which you can mentor each other.

  October 15

  The Father’s headship [1 Corinthians 11:3] is acknowledged [by the Son with] mutual delight, respect, and love. There is no inequality of ability or dignity. We are differently gendered to reflect this life within the Trinity. Male and female are invited to mirror and reflect the “dance” of the Trinity, loving, self-sacrificing authority and loving, courageous submission. The Son takes a subordinate role, and in that movement he shows not his weakness but his greatness. (Hardcover, p. 176; paperback, p. 198)

  THE DANCE OF GENDER. Dancing is a good metaphor for understanding gender differences. Usually, one person is moving forward and the other backward so that the couple can execute the dance steps. There is also traditionally one partner who is the lead. If both parties fought to be the lead, there would be no dance. When you dance well, it is a joy. Most of everyday life is more like running a marathon. There are chores, careers, housing crises of various kinds, financial decisions, and too little time to get everything done. It becomes easier to do all our tasks beside one another instead of with one another. When we fail to work cooperatively we lose the dance.

  Reflection: How can you bring back “dance” in your marriage? Think of ways to do things together rather than separately. Think of ways to experience intimacy in order to recover the dancing in your life.

  Thought for prayer: After making the lists through the reflection above, pray to God to give you the wisdom and self-control to follow through, to reinject both cooperation and joy into your marriage.

  October 16

  Jesus redefined—or, more truly, defined properly—headship and authority, thus taking the toxicity of it away, at least for those who live by his definition rather than by the world’s understanding. . . . [A Christian] husband has been called to . . . submit [to the role of] servant-leader, who uses his authority and power to express a love that doesn’t even stop at dying for the beloved. In Jesus we see all the authoritarianism of authority laid to rest, and all the humility of submission glorified. (Hardcover, pp. 177–78; paperback, pp. 199, 201)

  THE SERVANT. On the way to Jerusalem to lay down his life for his people, Jesus made it clear that power and authority in the world were forever redefined by his actions. In Matthew 20:25–26 and 28 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant . . . just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” This statement demands that leaders sacrifice their own interests and good for those they serve.

  Reflection: Together, honestly and gently assess where the husband may be failing to sacrifice his interests and good for his wife.

  Thought for prayer: In each other’s presence, pray that in assessing the husband’s headship you may be of one mind, that you will see things the same and therefore be able to work on them together.

  October 17

  [H]ow does this authority work out in the context of mutually serving persons equal in dignity and being? The answer is that a head can only overrule his spouse if he is sure that her choice would be destructive to her or to the family. He does not use his headship selfishly, to get his own way about the color of the car they buy . . . whether he has a “night out with the boys” or stays home to help with the kids when his wife asks him. (Hardcover, p. 242; paperback, pp. 278–79)

  BARRIERS. There are barriers to taking up Jesus’s model of the servant-leader husband. First, there’s your own heart. It’s hard to serve when one would rather kick back and think of no one but oneself. But second, you will have to swim against the strong tide of cultural views. Most people see marriage as two identical individuals who negotiate with each other for the meeting of needs. The idea that one is a leader and therefore should be surrendering his interests to meet his wife’s needs is completely foreign. Husbands aspiring to this could get pushback from friends. In that, they are standing with their Savior, and there is no higher calling.

  Reflection: Husbands, how often do you think about ways to help your wife grow? What costs are you willing to pay to see that happen? Wives, do you appreciate and encourage your husband when he, trembling, exercises his headship on your behalf?

  Thought for prayer: In one another’s presence, thank God for each other’s sacrifices and efforts in this area of headship and submission. Be specific.

  October 18

  But in a marriage, where there are only two “votes,” how can a stalemate be broken without someone having to give way? In the vast majority of cases, the stalemate is broken because each will try to give the other his or her pleasure. The wife will try to respect the husband’s leadership, and the husband will in turn try to please his wife. If this dynamic is in place, in the course of a healthy biblical marriage, “overruling” will be rare. (Hardcover, p. 243; paperback, p. 279)

  SELF-DECEPTI
ON. We have such a capacity for self-deception that what starts out as well-meant management can so easily turn into accumulating power in order to enjoy the perks of having others serve you. The novelist Patrick O’Brian put into the mouths of one of his characters his distaste for this kind of authority: “I am opposed to authority. . . . I am opposed to it largely for what it does to those who exercise it.”122 But in Jesus’s model, power is utilized to serve others, not oneself. Husbands must never, never say, “My needs before yours” but “Yours before mine.” When a wife sees a husband handling his role with godly fear and using his authority only to serve instead of oppress, she can rejoice in his leadership.

  Reflection: Does the above describe the way authority is exercised in your relationship? What changes could be made?

  Thought for prayer: Together, with both of you praying for the husband, ask God to prevent this self-deception about authority from operating in your marriage at any level.

  October 19

  What of a case where both parties cannot agree, but some kind of decision must be made? Someone must have the right to cast the deciding vote. . . . When it happens, both people “submit” to their role. . . . (Hardcover, p. 243; paperback, p. 279) A servant-leader must sacrifice his wants and needs to please and build up his partner (Ephesians 5:21ff.). . . . A wife is never . . . merely compliant but . . . her husband’s most trusted friend and counselor (Proverbs 2:17). . . . Completion is hard work and involves loving contention (Proverbs 27:17) with affection (1 Peter 3:3–5). (Hardcover, pp. 241–42; paperback, pp. 277–78)