Blending In

by RJ Blain

  “I raised a smart boy. Carry on. Don’t forget to use an assortment of bribes to hold her attention.”

  “She named the cat and the dog. Doesn’t that count?”

  “I was thinking more like a weekly bribe of chicken for life offered along with an engagement ring.”

  While I’d never admit it to anyone, Chase’s father had earned himself a permanent spot as the best prospective father-in-law to walk the Earth.

  “Dad, if you want a wedding, renew your vows with Mom.”

  “But I want to go to your wedding, and I’ve determined there’s a really nice young lady in the back perfect for you. Your cat and dog already love her, too. It’s important to pick a partner that your pets like.”

  “You’re already planning a wedding, aren’t you?”

  I could live without planning a wedding myself, but I’d slide Chase’s father a note for special requests, one of which would include an entire table burdened with tiramisu since I couldn’t ask for fried chicken without becoming a chameleon. With a little luck, he’d figure it out.

  “Wedding photos in a church with a chameleon wearing a wedding veil would be amazing.”

  The details of a potential wedding forgotten, I stared at Chase’s father with my mouth hanging open. “What?”

  “All it’d take is some good heavy metal. It’ll be fun. Despite appearances, Chase is a good catch.”

  I’d figured that part out for myself. “You want to take wedding photos while I’m a chameleon wearing a wedding veil?”

  “Exactly so. You’ll have the best wedding photographs of the year without contest.”

  “Miriah, please feel free to ignore his ramblings. Please,” Chase begged in a strained voice.

  “But Chase, she’s willing to put up with you.”

  “Dad!”

  Since being greedy fit in well with my plans to earn a coal mine, I smiled and asked, “Is your father paying for the wedding? Can I charge him fifty grand per chameleon incident he induces? I have a college fund to fill.”

  I loved the sound of stunned silence.

  I squirmed on my seat and adjusted how I held the chicken on my lap, lifting my hand to examine my bare left ring finger. “I like colored stones, especially opals and sapphires. I don’t see a need for a very expensive ring if it uses opals; opals are fragile. It’ll break and need to be replaced. Don’t ask me about the chicken,” I added in a whisper. “Please.”

  I’d had enough chameleon incidents for one week.

  “I won’t,” he promised. “Opal, huh?”

  “I also like unusual stones. Anything with color and meaning. I’m not very picky.” If he wanted my ring size, he’d need to use clever tactics to get it or ask. “Colored diamonds are okay. The clear ones are boring.”

  “I’ll pay for the wedding and all chameleon incidents at a rate of fifty thousand per incident,” Chase’s father announced.

  “I want that in writing. Legally binding writing.”

  Chase’s father twisted to face me, scowled, and redirected his displeasure at his son. “She’s ruthless.”

  “I’m confused,” Chase admitted, and he turned to face me although he kept a close watch on his father. “How did this turn into wedding planning?”

  Good question, although I had an answer I liked. “You have my cat and my son’s dog, and as I’m trying to earn an entire coal mine from Santa, I’m being a gold digger. Also, I have three buckets of chicken on my lap right now. I like this math. For once in my life, I win.”

  Best of all, I got to keep Chase, the perfect end to a long week.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Someone dropped a bag of almond flour off Chase’s roof, and it smacked into the top of my head. A cloud of white powder erupted around me, and the instant it touched my skin, I itched. I itched so much I unleashed my vilest curses.

  Goliath howled his complaints from his carrier. Luck alone spared him from being dropped, and I set him down so he wouldn’t be hurt. I could deal with people targeting me, but almond flour to the head was just rude. It amazed me the one-pound bag hadn’t done more than rattle my brain around in my skull and give me a mild headache to go with my allergic reaction.

  I found one silver lining in the storm cloud of my evening: Chase’s father carried the chicken, thus sparing it from a fate worse than death.

  “Miriah!” Chase joined me in cursing, slipped on his way up his walkway, and landed on his ass on the sidewalk.

  After a close encounter of the almond flour kind, I would need at least a bucket and a half of chicken. “Don’t even think about freezing me,” I growled out through clenched teeth. “And don’t you even think about contaminating dinner.”

  I shot a glare at the father and son duo. Once certain they weren’t going to impede me, I unlocked the door following a brief but intense disagreement with Chase’s keys and grabbed Goliath’s carrier and set it inside before entering the house while Chase and his father wrangled dinner and the dog. Pupperina took advantage of Chase’s prone position and washed his face with her tongue.

  The cat hissed.

  “Soon,” I promised. “Chase will release you after he’s inside. I’m going to take a shower.”

  A shower wouldn’t stop the itching, but at least it would get the damned flour off. If the past was any indication, I’d be a miserable mess of itchiness for the next day or two. Antihistamines would help—if I didn’t mind being reduced to a semi-comatose state for a minimum of eight hours.

  I made it to the bathroom before Chase, burdened with a wiggling, excited puppy, caught up with me. “Are you all right?”

  “I was bonked in the head with a bag of flour. Almond flour. I itch. I’m just telling you now, if I find out who bonked my head with a bag of almond flour, I may very well require you to help Gavin care for my son, because there will be a murder. Or at least a violent assault. I can probably live with a violent assault. I’m borrowing your bathroom. And burning my favorite pajamas.”

  “You don’t need to burn them. They can be cleaned. I’ll take care of it. I’ll have Mom do it. She salvaged clothes from my childhood, so I’m sure she can get all the almond flour out.”

  I’d appreciate that after I stopped itching. “Okay. Thank you. I’ll dump them by the door. I won’t touch them after I get this rinsed off.”

  “I’ll come detox the bathroom, just keep the shower door closed. Let’s not have you have another reaction because the flour wasn’t cleaned up.”

  I’d definitely appreciate that. “Thank you.”

  “Dad’s calling the police now. He didn’t see the asshole who did it, so he couldn’t freeze them. His tricks only work if he knows where to strike or can see his target. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m grateful I wasn’t frozen because I don’t want to itch while paralyzed.”

  “You’re not going to have any breathing troubles or anything like that?”

  “It only makes me itch. No other reactions,” I promised.

  “I’ll take care of the cops until you’re done your shower. If they give me any trouble about you washing away evidence, I’ll make it clear I’ll file a case for willful injury. Your allergy is documented with your doctor?”

  “Yes. I can call for the testing record if needed.”

  “Good. Leave your pajamas by the door, and I’ll make sure they’re bagged and that Mom knows they might classify as evidence, and if they don’t, to have them cleaned. If they can’t be cleaned, I’ll replace them with the same ones. I’ll check your bag for something you can wear, but you’re welcome to my bathrobe in the meantime.”

  I loved being a bad, bad woman. “Your bathrobe is now my bathrobe.”

  Chase arched a brow. “You’re feistier than I expected for this situation.”

  “Point me in the direction of the bitch who tossed a glass at me. I’ll show you feisty. And the almond flour? If I find out who dropped a bag of almond flour on my head, I will arm myself with a spoon and start digging for the bastard’s
heart.”

  “I’m going to chalk this one up as you’re madder than hell and have a headache.”

  I forced a smile. “Don’t tell the cops I’m feeling murderous right now, please.”

  “That makes two of us. Shout if you need anything, okay? I’m going to call in a favor and have someone bring you antihistamines. I don’t have any allergies, so I don’t keep any around.”

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll just be a little cranky. I’ll just go ahead and apologize in advance for that. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re going to have to work a little harder if you want to earn your coal mine. Be a little less sorry, be a little more feisty and cranky. Feel free to sprinkle in some extra curses to add extra points towards your coal mine. I’d say go steal some chicken, but I’d rather have the cranky, feisty woman around than the hissing, angry karma chameleon. Either way, you’ll get chicken, so don’t stress yourself over it. Dad promised none of the flour got into it. He put the chicken in time out to make certain.”

  The chicken in time out beat me in time out. “Thank him for not putting me in time out, please.”

  “Will do. Seriously, shout if you need anything.”

  I could think of a few things which involved a removal of clothes and someone helpfully making sure I got all the almond flour out of my hair. Fortune favored the bold, and I needed to practice being bold. I pointed at my hair. “I’m going to need help with this in the shower. Flour in the hair is hard to get out.”

  Chase raised both brows. “You want me to come into the shower with you and help you get the flour out of your hair?”

  “While you’re at it, you can inform me if I have an appropriate tramp stamp. You can certify it. Maybe tell the cops to go away first. And your parents. They’re not invited for the tramp stamp certification, but I’ll accept any edible gifts they might want to leave for our enjoyment. Is that sufficient to earn some credits towards my coal mine?”

  “It’s a good start. Excuse me for a few minutes. I have some cops to attend to and parents to redirect and otherwise evict.”

  “If you have a basement, lock them in there. That might keep them out of trouble.”

  “They’d use their tricks to escape.”

  “How rude of them.” As the cops wouldn’t leave until they questioned me, I’d settle for a basic shower first. “I’m going to get most of this flour out and wear your towel if the police have any questions for me. Towels are probably easier to clean than bathrobes.”

  “They are, but do you really want the police seeing you in a towel?”

  “Do I lose or gain points towards my coal mine if I wear a towel in front of the police?”

  “You lose points. You definitely lose points. I’ll bring you a change of clothes, and it can join what my mother will have to clean later. I’m sure she won’t mind.”

  I had no doubts Chase’s mother minded but loved her son too much to say anything. I would earn a few points towards my coal mine by neglecting to inform him I could wash my clothes to safe wearing levels without issue.

  I respected his willingness to put in the effort—and foist the job on his mother.

  “I’ll be in the living room. Let me know if you need anything.”

  Him naked in the shower would’ve been nice, but I’d work on adding more points towards my coal mine later, preferably after the itching stopped.

  The almond flour caked in my hair, which made removing it interesting. The itching leveled out at a full-body nuisance, and I cursed my traitorous body for its immediate and unreasonable reaction. After three rounds of using Chase’s shampoo, I still wasn’t convinced I’d gotten it all. According to my scalp, I’d be bald by morning even if I managed to resist the urge to claw at my irritated skin.

  While it wouldn’t get better for a while, I deemed I’d survive, grabbed the fluffiest towel I could find, and wrapped it around myself to limit showing too much skin to the wrong people. After I dealt with the police and their questioning, I’d begin stage two of my plan to earn my coal mine.

  A pair of cops, the same ones who’d come to deal with the Molotov cocktail incident, waited in the living room while talking with Chase and his parents.

  “Your tiramisu is in the fridge,” his mother told me. “I’m concerned I didn’t get enough; I wasn’t expecting you to be assaulted with a bag of almond flour. I’ll handle disciplining the boys for their inability to prevent it.”

  I looked Chase over and raised a brow. “What if I want to handle disciplining the younger one?”

  “Save me some tiramisu and you can do whatever you want to him. The punk’s mooched off me for long enough. Make certain he signs his new ownership papers before you give him access to your bank account.”

  Hello, coal mine. How could I say no to owning a man like Chase? “I told the older one he had to pay for the wedding and fifty thousand for all chameleon incidents he is responsible for. I’ve got a kid to put through college.”

  “I’ll have signed paperwork confirming that to you by tomorrow,” she promised, starring at Chase’s father. “Isn’t that right?”

  “I have misjudged how ruthless the karma chameleon can be,” Chase’s father muttered.

  The cops stared at each other.

  I graced them with my best smile. “I’m sorry. I’ve completely forgotten your names, sirs.”

  “I’m Officer Calrig, and my partner is Officer Yamos,” the older of the two replied, and I wondered what had caused the thin scars crossing his cheek to halt near his mouth. I was willing to bet the incident had contributed to several streaks of gray in his brown hair. “We were informed you were showering due to allergies?”

  I showed him my arm, which had escaped the worst of the exposure. “This is close to my normal skin color.” To illustrate the reaction, I splayed my reddening hand on my skin. “My hands were exposed. The red in my cheeks, I promise, wasn’t from the heat.”

  “How would you rate the severity of your allergies?”

  “The itching will go away in a day or two, but I’ll be miserable until then. I don’t typically have any breathing problems, but it’s definitely uncomfortable. The last time I was exposed, I had to wear mittens to keep from scratching myself bloody,” I confessed.

  Chase’s mother hopped to her feet. “And I’m off to get the antihistamines and some mittens. Do you want anything while I’m out?”

  “Are you going to your pharmacy on Broadway?”

  My brows went up at that. What sort of idiot went to Broadway to go to the pharmacy?

  “Maybe.”

  “If you go to the one down the street, there is a pet store on the same block. You can spoil your grandpuppy and grandcat.”

  “You just want me out of your hair,” she complained.

  Chase grinned. “Take Dad with you. And while you’re at it, perhaps see if the boutique down the street is open. Miriah needs some new pajamas. You can grab the ones from the bathroom to get the size and figure it out, I’m sure.”

  “You’re a wicked child.” His mother grinned and skipped in the direction of the bathroom. Moments later, she returned with my pajamas tucked under an arm. “Don’t forget to spray the hall and floor with water and wipe it up so you get up all the almond flour. I’ll make sure these are cleaned, too.”

  “Was she wearing those?” Officer Calrig asked.

  Chase’s mother scowled. “You’re going to claim it as evidence, aren’t you?”

  “Unfortunately. We might be able to get information from the flour samples.”

  Huffing, his mother checked the tags. “Get a bag so this doesn’t shed all over the house and get the poor woman sicker.”

  Officer Yamos walked out the front door and returned a few minutes later with a clear plastic bag. To keep from shedding more flour in the house, they took it outside to bag. Within five minutes, Chase’s parents left, and the cops watched my every move.

  As I expected them to grill me, I lifted my chin and told them everything that had happened
from the moment we’d left Chase’s work until the moment I’d gotten hit in the head with the bag. I declined their offer to call for an ambulance, they tried to convince me to go in for testing as additional evidence, and Chase’s eyes narrowed as he considered the argument.

  “What are the odds that going in and having an examination done will help the case?”

  “Considering she’s turning redder than a lobster fresh from the pot, I’d say it’d be good evidence of intent to harm,” Officer Calrig replied. “Properly documenting the allergy will be useful in court, and it’ll make sure they can provide proper treatment. With something like this, it shouldn’t be too much of a time sink, as we’ll call it in as part of an investigation.”

  “Can we skip the ambulance and drive in?”

  “We can escort you, yes,” the cop confirmed. “I’d be more comfortable if this reaction was handled officially, and it will ensure the investigation isn’t impeded.”

  “Sorry, Miriah. Did you get enough of the flour out of your hair to be all right for a while?”

  I wanted to curse over the delays, but I sighed and nodded. “You’re going to owe me for this.”

  “You really want that coal mine, don’t you?”

  As I’d already lost most of my dignity, what was acting like a fool in front of a pair of cops? “Yes, I do. I’m looking forward to properly disciplining you later.”

  “I’ll go crate the puppy while we’re gone and text my parents to come puppy sit while we’re at the hospital.” Chase smirked, and shooed me off. “Go get changed. The faster we’re out of here, the sooner we get back home.”

  Fortune truly did favor the bold, and I hunted for my clothes, grabbed the first outfit I could find that didn’t clash, and changed in his bedroom so I wouldn’t run the risk of exposing myself to more of the pesky flour. Within five minutes, I declared myself prepared to raise my insurance premiums to all new highs. In good news, I’d hit my insurance cap for the year.