Lovely Monster

by Shaylee Europe

  I reached over and barely grasped the edge of the table. I pulled it toward me, and picked up the folded napkin with my correctly spelled name. I opened it, looking over it before smiling slightly.

  Dear Falon aka Frown Guy,

  In case you don't remember, I did quote a Clive Barker book, and I'm not stupid. I'm sure you probably assumed I was more of a Twilight fan (because, let's face it, what girl hasn't read Twilight). Though I can quote Twilight, I've read a lot of books. Just remember, I'll always be prepared when you name a book.

  Julie

  P.S. If you were being serious last night, I can help you with your school work. Just let me know tonight.

  P.P.S. And don't try to act like you're asleep again. I know you were looking at me. ☺

  I started to fold the napkin when the door opened. I quickly shoved it under the blankets and looked up to see my sister walking in.

  She looked exhausted as she laid her purse on the foot of the bed, and collapsed into the chair. I had enough time to tuck the napkin into one of the pockets of my hospital gown.

  “I told you to go home,” I said, and Ava looked to me. For a moment, I thought she might yell at me, but she didn't.

  “I'm fine, Falon. They want me to work another eleven to seven tonight though,” she replied.

  She probably couldn't tell, and I was kind of hoping she couldn't, but that didn't bother me at all. The night was what I was looking forward to.

  “Which is why you need to go home and get some rest,” I told her, opening my can of Pringles and eating one, though, you could not possibly eat only one. It was an impossible thing.

  She raised a brow. “You just don't want me up here,” she replied.

  I raised my brow. “And why wouldn't I want my favorite person in the world here with me?” I asked, my sarcasm escaping me.

  Ava looked at my Pringles and then bit her lip. “You met Julie, didn't you?” she asked.

  I refused to look at her, and suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. I closed the can and pushed the table away from me as Ava stood and came to the bed.

  “There's no reason to pout, Falon. She's really sweet, isn't she?” she asked, smiling at me.

  “I'm not pouting,” I told her defiantly, but didn't look at her.

  I felt like a fool.

  Ava narrowed her eyes, her teasing gone and replaced by something I knew all too well.

  Concern.

  “What's wrong? Did she say something wrong?” she asked, reaching forward to touch my hand.

  I laughed bitterly, rolling my eyes. “Does she seem like someone who would say something bad to you, Ava?” I asked her.

  Ava was watching me, I knew the feeling. “Then, why are you acting so weird?”

  “I'm not acting weird.”

  “Yes, Falon, you are.”

  I glared at her.

  She crossed her arms, and got that motherly look to her. I hated that look more than anything. It was so controlling, and forceful, as if that blatant stare could make me confess anything.

  It could. I hated it, but it could.

  “We talked, Ava, okay? I had a normal conversation with her about rainbow Icees and Cabal,” I told her, still avoiding her gaze, though I felt it's uncomfortable pressure on my face.

  “Why are you acting weird then?” she asked, as if she didn't get it. She didn't understand what I was saying to her.

  I looked at her, raising my brow. “We talked. And she didn't ask about my burns, or look at me strange, or anything. She didn't react to the way I look at all,” I told her.

  Ava softened, and stared at me. “Was she suppose to?” she asked.

  I stared at her, baffled. “Of course she is! I'm an ugly monster, Ava. I look like this,” I stressed, gesturing toward my face. “And she looks. . .”

  I couldn't bring myself to tell my sister how I thought she looked. That was just overstepping the Brother/Sister boundaries for me. I didn't want her telling me how she thought the Good Doctor looked. It would just be weird.

  But Ava didn't need me to tell her how I thought Julie looked. I knew she could tell, but that wasn't the part she had caught to. She had become more focused on what I had said about myself.

  “You are not ugly, and you're not a monster,” she told me, refusing to allow my eyes to wander. “You are just like any other teenage boy out there, and if you have a crush on Julie-”

  “I do not have a crush on her,” I intercepted quickly.

  “If you have a crush on any girl,” my sister restarted, though we both knew she was still referring to Julie. “I want you to remember that you are still a guy. Not every girl cares about looks,” she told me.

  It didn't make me feel any better. The only way that looks didn't matter was if the person was pitying the ugly. I didn't want Julie's pity.

  I didn't have a crush on her either.

  I swear.

  “Falon?” my sister said, and she was staring at me, worried over my answer. She wanted me to say that she was right, so I did, though it didn't mean it was true, or that I believed it.

  The doctor came a few minutes later, after Ava had settled into the chair, writing down our bills in a butterfly notepad that she kept in her purse. Whenever asked, she'd always say that she was just doodling, but I wasn't stupid.

  The doctor and Ava still looked at each other the way beautiful people always looked at each other. They were sizing the other up, as if to make sure they were good enough.

  Julie hadn't looked at me like that.

  Not that I cared.

  Because I didn't.

  “Hello, Ms. Walker,” he said nicely, smiling at my sister.

  “Just Ava,” she replied back.

  I almost threw up in my mouth.

  Doctor Marstens then looked to me, and he smiled kindly enough, but it was still mostly for Ava. “Good morning, Falon,” he replied.

  “Just Mr. Walker,” I replied, using a tone that almost matched Ava's.

  “Falon!”

  I looked to Ava, who looked horrified, and Dr. Marstens, who looked unsure of what boundary he had stepped over. I raised a brow. “It was a joke,” I told her, trying to keep myself from laughing at the red stain across her cheeks.

  Dr. Marstens smiled slightly, looking relieved at the revelation. “It's hard to tell when you're joking. You can keep such a solemn face,” he replied.

  I probably shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself from coming back with, “That's how my face always looks, doc.”

  I thought Ava might die in her chair, and she glared at me from where she was. It was a look that promised she would kill me when we were alone, and I grinned at her.

  “He's joking,” she said again, though her teeth were gritted.

  Dr. Martsens laughed. “I know. He's quite a comedian,” he replied, and gave me a slight wink. It wasn't creepy, though I guess it could have been. That wink let me know that he knew I was trying to annoy my sister.

  I might could actually like the guy.

  “So, let's look at that battle wound,” he said, and I moved my blanket back slightly. He moved my gown to look at the bandage over the front side of my shoulder.

  He checked it, asked me if it felt like it was loose or draining, and I told him no. He nodded, looking at my vitals, and then told us that everything was great. He asked if we had any questions, and Ava did. Ava always did.

  I zoned off into the grand unknown as I felt the napkin under my blanket. I clutched it, and that strange, tingling feeling reentered my body.

  I did not have a crush on her.

  It wasn't worth my time or effort to have a crush on her. She was on a completely different planet than I was. I had been able to learn that in the thirty minutes I had gotten to know her.

  But she hadn't just taken my attitude and passed it off either. She hadn't looked at me and thought, 'Well, he has enough problems. I'll just let him say or do whatever he wants because he's deformed'.

  She hadn't pitied me. She hadn't ma
de excuses for me. She had just talked to me, and treated me like a human being.

  That was a big deal.

  People just didn't treat me like that. Even my own sister treated me like I needed to be guarded and protected. Julie hadn't.

  I had felt normal. I had forgotten I wasn't.

  It was a useless thing to think about. 'It was useless to hope otherwise, useless to dream that the world somehow meant you good', as Boone had said. He, and Julie had quoted it so well.

  When Dr. Martsens left, Ava was still mad at me, and she threatened to beat me up when I got out of the hospital, but it was all a bunch of talk, as I told her.

  I wasn't scared of Ava. She was a pushover.

  She stayed most of the day, up until about three o'clock, when I finally convinced her to go home.

  I did ask for one thing though, before she left, and she stared at me as if I were stupid.

  I didn't normally ask for my school work.

  ♥

  I'm not sure when I fell asleep again. It was sometime after the dinner trays had been taken away. I hadn't eaten much, but then again, peas, and lasagna were not my favorite.

  I had told myself I was going to stay awake, so I could see her when she walked in. The thought of her watching me drooling on my pillow, or leaving before I woke up, was not something I wanted to think about.

  Not that I cared. It wasn't that I had to see her.

  I just wanted to really badly.

  I woke up as she was starting to walk out of the room, trash bag in hand. All drowsiness left as the thought of her not coming back hit me, and I had to think quickly.

  I suddenly blurted out, “Dracula.” Not, 'Hey' or 'Don't leave', just 'Dracula'.

  Julie turned and looked at me, and I realized she hadn't seen that I had woken up. She smiled slightly and pursed her lips in thought. “My favorite quote comes after the vampire women say to Dracula 'You yourself never loved. You never love!' and then Dracula says, 'Yes, I too can love.' Best quote of the entire book,” she replied, giving me a crooked smile and then walking out.

  I felt myself smiling and patiently waiting for her to come back in. She didn't waste too much time, having just enough to discard of the trash. When she came back in, she closed the door behind her.

  It was just a tee and jeans tonight. It had the Abbey Road album cover on the front, with the Beatles written beneath. Her hair was casted off to the side, out of her eyes, and she was wearing black combat boots.

  She was smiling as she came in, stopping in front of my bed. “I told you. I can find an amazing quote from any book I've ever read, and trust me, I've read a lot of books,” she replied.

  “Okay, how about Frankenstein?” I asked.

  Julie cleared her throat and looked up, holding out her hand as if she were reciting Shakespeare. “'I am an unfortunate and deserted creature. I look around and I have no relation or friend upon earth. These amiable people to whom I go have never seen me, and know little of me. I am full of fears. For if I fail there, I am an outcast in the world forever.' Does that work?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “I guess. I've never read Frankenstein,” I told her.

  She scoffed. “Don't. It'll only let you down,” she replied.

  I rolled my eyes. “Story of my life,” I said, and she laughed.

  She moved around from my bed, and I watched her finish the things she was doing in the room. Her job, I guess, but it made me nervous. As much as I didn't want to notice her, I couldn't help myself either.

  “I was thinking about taking you up on that school work offer,” I told her, swallowing back the lump in my throat.

  She turned to smile at me. “Really? And about that staring thing?” she asked.

  My cheeks felt hot, and I tried to play it cool and just laugh it off, but it felt too loud, and fake. “I'm not staring at you,” I told her.

  Julie laughed at that, and her laugh wasn't fake. “Could have fooled me. Every time I turn my back, I can feel those blue eyes of yours burning into my backside,” she replied.

  The strangest of thoughts washed over me. She had noticed the color of my eyes. She had paid attention to them, and took in the color for her memory.

  It was both exciting and painful for me.

  I had crushes before. I was in my early teens before I turned into the beast I was today. I had admired the cheerleader, and flirted my way into getting the cute, smart girl to let me copy her homework.

  Girls had crushed on me too. Everyone has had a crush, or been crushed on, I figure. It come with puberty and acne.

  I hadn't liked anyone after. Even girls I had liked in school, those crushes disappeared after you just happen to hear their conversations about how ugly you look.

  It was hard to like a girl that couldn't find anything attractive about you, and you knew the only thing beautiful about her was the outside.

  Here I was, almost eighteen now, and finding myself drawn into the mystery that was Julie Michaels, and feeling very conflicted about it.

  Julie was beautiful, in a simple, and magnetizing way. Not voluptuous, or sexy, but beautiful. She held the kind of candor that only someone who is naïve and trusting could be.

  I was not any of those things. Simple, naïve, trusting, beautiful, nothing. I held no place in the world, and especially in hers. I could offer her nothing, and she seemed like the type that would be willing to accept that if she thought she really loved someone.

  I was complicated, untrusting, ugly, and I didn't deserve anything from her, and she deserved nothing from me.

  She was staring at me, arms crossed, and a sly smile on her face. It all seemed mocking now, and I could feel myself replacing the walls I had temporarily let down.

  “Were you going to help me or not?” I asked, my voice gruff, my eyes averted from her.

  “Sure. Let's ignore the previous conversation. I got you,” she said, winking at me as she picked up the backpack that my sister had dropped off on her way to work.

  “I'm not ignoring anything,” I told her, and I managed to catch her eye as she sat the bag by the bed. She raised a brow, biting the side of her lip.

  It made me angry, ready to punch myself in the face kind of angry. She couldn't be more adorable than when she bit her lip like that.

  “You know, you're a horrible liar,” she told me, trying not to laugh, but it was escaping without her consent.

  I looked away from her. “Yeah, well, you're a horrible nurse,” I told her. Not that it was true. It was just the first thing that came to mind.

  She shrugged though, which kind of ruined the bite in my remark. “That might be true. Nursing isn't my first love,” she said. I looked at her again, but her body language suggested that the topic was closed, and she was already moving on.

  It was the first time I saw some amount of weakness in her.

  She pulled my table to me, and opened my backpack. I watched her take out a few of my books, and then chose the Biology book from among them and sat it down on the table.

  “Where are you at?” she asked, looking up.

  I took the book and flipped it to the Unit Ava had been teaching me from, and then spun it around to Julie again. She looked over it briefly and then nodded.

  “I remember all of this. It really is simple, if you're willing to listen,” she replied, holding my eyes with hers.

  Something had changed, and I wasn't bold enough to ask what it was. I simply nodded.

  ♥

  It seemed like forever between the time Julie started on Biology and the end when we were in my Trigonometry. If I had hair, it would have been pulled out by now.

  However, despite my constant complaining, Julie was a great teacher. Ava was good, but maybe it was because I didn't take her seriously half the time that I never really learned anything.

  Julie had put things into terms I could grasp to, things only people our age would really understand. She was slow, and patient, and when I did something right, she would smile.

  H
er smile held the power to make the lion inside of me cower into the kitten it was.

  She placed the books back into the backpack and stood up. “I think your sister will be proud. That's less work she'll have to catch you up on, and you did a really great job,” she replied, turning to smile at me.

  I nodded, rolling my eyes. “Yeah, sure. Ava will just be happy that she doesn't have to teach me what all of that meant,” I told her.

  Julie laughed slightly, laying the backpack in the chair. “You weren't a bad student,” she told me.

  “That's because you were a great teacher,” I replied. It only took me a moment to realize how big of a compliment I had given her. “Ava is too. She's just . . .”

  “Your sister,” Julie finished for me. She looked up, smiling. “I couldn't really take in my work when my mom was teaching me, because she was my mom. So, I asked her to switch me to a computer program, and the rest I mostly taught myself.”

  “You didn't have any trouble doing that?” I asked. For me, trying to teach myself seemed like it would only end in disaster.

  But Julie shrugged. “Not really. Most of it is just figuring out the guides. If you can follow direction, you can figure it out,” she replied.

  “My sense of direction must be off,” I told her.

  She laughed, coming back to the bed. She sat down at the end, so I moved my feet to where she could be comfortable.

  “Your direction isn't off, your motivation is,” she told me, and I narrowed my eyes.

  “Motivation? I have to be motivated now?”

  Julie smiled, nodding. “Anytime you really want to do something, you're motivated. If you don't really care about your school work, you're not going to be very motivated,” she replied.

  “And you were motivated to finish school?” I asked her, and she immediately began to nod.

  “Of course. It was one of those things that I wanted to be able to say I finished,” she replied.

  I stared at her, and some part of me realized there was a significance to her words. I didn't comment on it though, because Julie had asked me a very important question immediately afterward.