I nodded, and I opened my door. “I'm really happy for you, Liam. I'm glad I got to meet her,” I told him, and for a moment, I wasn't sure if I was talking about Hilary or Julie.
Liam didn't seem to mind as he grinned. “I am, too.”
♥
I thought about it all night, until the next day, when I found myself asking Ava for the car. She asked no questions, and threw me the keys, then fell asleep again. She had worked from eleven to seven, and at eleven thirty, it was still sleep time for her.
It took me an hour to decide if I was willing to risk it or not. I was still unsure, even as I started the car and drove to the hospital. Even as I was taking the elevator to the top floor, I wasn't certain over what I wanted to do or say.
I stood in front of the doors that lead to the playroom. I stared inside, seeing her knelt down with a few kids, building a Lego castle with them. Her hair was pinned back, her face void of make up.
My throat felt constricted, and my chest tight. I had figured seeing her would do that. She could make my breathing take a lunge forward and become a difficult task.
One of the kids saw me, and they pulled at Julie's cardigan, and pointed at the door. When she turned her head to look, I caught her eye, and I saw her face pale over.
She turned her face away, and for a moment, I thought her plan was to ignore me. I saw her mouth move though, and realized she was talking to Liam. A moment later, she was standing up, dusting off her jeans, and walking toward me.
I moved from the front of the door and waited for her. When she came out, she was clutching her cardigan to her, and her eyes didn't want to meet mine. She just stood in front of me as we both listened to the noise of the other room quiet down as the door closed.
And then it was just us. Again. Standing in front of each other, but feeling so far away. I wasn't sure how I could reach out and touch her, but still feel so distant. I didn't understand how she could be so close to me, and still feel like she had a large brick wall between us.
“Are you cold?” I asked her, watching the way she shivered.
Julie met my eyes, and then she shook her head. “Just a chill,” she told me, looking away again.
She was waiting, and I was hesitant. I didn't want to promise things I couldn't do. I didn't want to give her false pretenses, or raise her hopes only to let them down again.
“I'm sorry,” I said.
Julie raised her face, and she kept her eyes on me, before finally shaking her head. “No, you're not. Not about the things that matter,” she told me.
My shoulders dropped, and I narrowed my brows. “What am I suppose to feel sorry about, Julie? I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I'm not perfect or-”
“Perfect?” she cried out, her hands dropping from the cardigan. She looked at me with a pained expression. “I never asked you to be perfect. All I asked for was a chance, and you were unwilling to give me one,” she said, each word cutting me like a knife.
“A chance to do what? Be disappointed when you can't fix me? I'm not some problem you can solve,” I told her.
The expression on Julie's face made me feel worthless instantly. I was surprised at how she could break me so easily with just her eyes. No one had ever been able to do that.
“I'm not trying to fix you,” she started, her voice tight. “I want to help you. I want to be there when you're hurting, and help you through it, and I want you to do the same for me.”
“I won't sit by and hurt you. Not knowingly,” I told her.
Julie shook her head, scoffing. “I hate to tell you this, but the people you love the most hurt you the worst. You're hurting me now, and it doesn't seem to bother you a bit,” she said, and she turned around.
I closed the distance between us and grabbed her hand. She stopped, and she waited. She didn't turn around to look at me, and she didn't say anything.
She just waited.
She had said what she needed, and I had nothing to promise. I released her hand. After a moment, she took in a deep breath, and she walked away.
And I watched her.
♥
The steering wheel took most of the beating, to the point that the horn would blow with every pounding, and sounded like a car alarm going off. I was only lucky that no one was in the parking lot to see my outrage.
I was angry at myself, but beating myself up was just as easy if I was pounding on something else. By the time I was done, my hands felt raw and sore, and my knuckles were bleeding.
I pressed the palms of my hands into my sockets, and stopped the tears that wanted to come out.
Men don't cry. I told myself this over and over.
I felt more like a wounded little boy than a man. I thought I might break at any moment, just as Julie had looked. She had looked so fragile, so broken, as if she would completely shatter if she was around me for too long.
I knew the feeling. I was feeling the brute force of it now. I felt the waves of depression washing over me, reminding me of how badly I was screwing my life up.
I waited until I felt stronger before I moved my hands. The wipers were going, and the lights were all on. The radio had spit out the CD and was now on a hip hop station, with some guy rapping words I'd never heard before.
It wasn't Tone Loc.
I turned off the lights and wipers. Slowly, I put the CD back in, and then turned down the music. I fixed one thing at a time, and did so numbly.
She loves me.
I wasn't sure if the words had hit me when she had said them, or if I had always known. Maybe from the moment I had laid eyes on her, smiling her adorable smile as she walked past me, I had known it would lead to this.
A part of me had to know, didn't it? I couldn't be completely blind to where things would lead. Somewhere in my mind, I had known that eventually I would be here, scared out of my mind, and angry. Angry at her, but mostly at me.
She loved me. Past tense.
No, she loves me. Present tense. She still loves me.
Did I love her? I could answer that question honestly and efficiently. Yes, I love her, right now. I love every part of her, her body and mind, her soul and life. I love her more than I've ever known I could love someone.
The real question, the one I was battling with and continued to battle with until that night was whether I loved her enough to open up and be vulnerable.
Did I love Julie enough to completely change the course of my life and include someone else in it? Did I love her enough to want her there?
Did I love her enough to hurt her?
♥
At six, I called the hospital. I asked if Mrs. Michaels was at the hospital. They informed me that she wasn't. It was her day off. I thanked her and hung up.
♥
The second time wasn't as difficult as the first. I concocted a speech in my head as I drove to her house about all of the things I wanted to say. How I would get her to forgive me.
It was all thrown away as I knocked on the door and Liam answered.
He grinned. “Hey man,” he said cheerfully. “Back for more?” he asked.
I smiled slightly. “Round two.”
“It might cost you. Julie won't appreciate me telling her to talk to you,” he replied.
“You owe me, remember?” I asked.
Liam smiled and nodded. “I told you not to forget. I'll get her, just wait,” he said, and closed the door again.
I tried to remember any of the speech I had memorized in my head, but I couldn't recall the flow of words. Only the meanings. I knew what I needed to say, but I couldn't remember the way I had strung those words together.
When I saw Julie come to the door, even that thought process was gone. Staring at her, how beautiful she was, everything sounded silly and childish.
This time, as she closed the door behind her, she looked like a warrior. She was shielded by her armor, and prepared to combat anything I said. She wouldn't be lured in by my phony excuses or promises.
I had nothing to say.
She stole my words.
So I borrowed someone else's.
“You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel,” I stated, then took in a deep breath.
She finally met my eyes. There was a fierceness in them that I never knew Julie could hold. I guess she was just protecting herself by coming off angry.
“Who said that?” she asked.
“Johnny Depp, but it's exactly what I’ve been doing,” I told her. “I've been closing my eyes to everything about you that scares me. I've ignored the parts of you that could help me, and heal me because they scared me,” I told her.
“So?” she stated casually, crossing her arms. She avoided my eyes, which pained me. My chest was tight and constricted as she shrugged my words off. “That doesn't change anything.”
“I'm sorry, Julie,” I said. She began to rant off, and I begged her to let me continue. She didn't give me permission, but she didn't say anything else.
“I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I'm a complete idiot, and that I couldn't open up when you wanted me to. I'm sorry that I keep stringing you along, because you don't deserve that. I'm sorry that I haven't been vulnerable with you, even when you've been vulnerable with me. But I want a chance. I need a chance, Julie. These last few days have been torture, and at least when I'm with you, I feel like I'm something more. Without you, I just feel nothing,” I said, my hands beginning to shake.
And Julie said nothing.
“I swear, if you just give me a chance, I will change. I can't promise you that I can be everything you think I am, but I can promise to try. If I'm gonna hurt you, I want you to know that it's because I love you, and I trust you, and I-”
I don't know what I would have said next. My brain was on auto-pilot by then, but it didn't matter. After Julie pressed her lips to mine, nothing I said mattered.
I wondered why I had ever been so stupid to deny myself the privilege of kissing Julie. Her hands on my face, my fingers in her hair, it was an insult to Julie not to kiss her.
She leaned her forehead against mine, and didn't move from my mouth, even after she broke the kiss. Her eyes were closed, and I could still taste her.
“You love me,” she stated. No question in her voice. She knew it as well as I knew she loved me.
“I won't deny it.”
“And you're scared.”
“Terrified.”
“I am, too,” she said, and she opened her eyes. I saw hope in the bottle green hues. Hope, and faith, and trust in things we can't control. I could hold to her for that.
“This will work?” I asked.
Julie smiled, and leaned forward to kiss me again. “It will work. Because you love me, and I love you,” she said.
“It'll be difficult.”
“The good things always come by in the hardest ways.”
“People won't understand,” I told her.
Julie pulled away, and I watched that genuine, bright smile cross her face. “Those people can take a long walk off a short cliff,” she said, and I was inclined to agree with her.
♥
I went inside with Julie, and she held my hand as we walked into the living room. Her parents and Liam were sitting on the floor around a round table with Monopoly spread out, but upon seeing me, Liam jumped up and yelled, “Yes! Ha! I won!” and then began what I can only guess was his victory dance. It was disturbing to watch.
I saw her dad and mom hold the bridge of their nose and sigh in defeat, and I looked to Julie in confusion.
She rolled her eyes. “We all had a bet going about how long it would take you to come back and apologize,” she said, and looked embarrassed. “Mom said the next day, dad said two days, and Liam said three, so he won.”
I stared at her, and furrowed my brows. “What was your bet?” I asked, and she squeezed my hand and smiled softly.
“I hoped that you would come back that night. Thanks for the loss,” she told me, nudging my arm.
Squeezing her hand in return, I gave her a comforting smile. “I should have came back. I shouldn't have let you get out of that car,” I told her.
She shrugged. “It's all the past now. You're here now,” she said.
Liam stopped his dancing, and he held out his hand. “Time to pay up, losers,” he told them, and waited as his parents took five dollars from each other their pockets. He came to Julie and I saw her reluctantly reach for a five. She slapped it in his hand, and he grinned, looking to me. “Thanks partner,” he said, slapping me on the back.
“Was there some cheating going on?” her mom asked as we walked into the living room.
“Well, Liam did make a nice trip to my house last night and picked me up to meet the girlfriend he's completely head over heels in love with,” I told them as Julie and I sat down.
“It was just a friendly visit. No foul play,” Liam said, winking at his mom.
“I have a question,” I asked, and they looked at me. “What would have happened if I hadn't came back in one of those days?”
They looked to each other, and then Mr. Michaels shrugged. “I guess no one would have won then,” he said.
It was true, I thought, as I looked over at Julie and saw her smiling at me. No one would have won, not even me.
“So, let's start over. Darling, give Falon some money, and let's see if we can knock the king from his throne,” Mr. Michaels said, looking at the still gloating Liam.
♥
Have you ever felt yourself just floating through life, watching everything happening around you, but not registering all of it? The only thing I concentrated on the next few weeks was Julie, and how close we were becoming.
I was beginning to open up, and I felt that vulnerability I had always tried to push away come back each time I was around her. We had fewer and fewer secrets between each other, and that was okay.
But I wasn't noticing the other things I should have. I didn't notice how close my sister was getting to Dr. Marstens, or how more and more of his things ended up in her room.
I didn't notice how I saw less and less of Liam. I only saw him with Hilary, who had started coming by the playroom to help out as much as she could.
I surely didn't notice the changes in Julie. I only noticed how amazing she felt in my arms, how wonderful it felt when she was kissing me, and telling me that she loved me.
I can't say that every problem she had was ignored. She had lost weight, I could feel that. She would get dizzy, but when I asked her about it, she told me that she was just stressed out about school. Tests were coming up soon, and I was distracting her.
I teased her that I could leave her alone, and she laughed and told me to shut up. She would make up her tests if she failed.
Some part of me questioned the excuse, but that other part, that was being held under the water by her smile, decided that what she said was probably true.
And then, came the day at the hospital. We were all there, the Fantastic Four as Liam had begun to call us. Hilary was making the kids laugh with funny faces, Liam was building a Lego castle, I was coloring, and Julie had been cleaning up the dolls.
One moment, I was looking up from my group of kids to give her a secret smile, and the next, I was watching her lean against a wall. By the time I had realized something was wrong, Julie's eyes rolled back, and she crumbled to the floor.
“Julie!” I yelled, and leapt from my seat. The kids screamed, and began to cry. Me and Liam ran toward her.
I got there before she did, and picked her up. She was completely immobile in my arms, hanging there limply. Liam stood. “One of you get a nurse, quickly!” he yelled.
Two of the kids ran out of the room, and slowly, Hilary held to one of the kids to come by our side. She knelt down when she got there, and felt for Liam's hand.
“Show me where her neck is,” she told him. Liam guided her hand to Julie's neck, as I held her in my arms, my heart beating rapidly. Hilary placed two fi
ngers against her neck. “She has a pulse. She must have fainted.”
“What did she say?” Liam said frantically, looking to me.
“Julie has a pulse. She must have fainted,” I told him, my own voice on the edge, tottering toward insanity.
I couldn't be holding my Julie like this. It felt wrong and foreign. I wanted to be pinched from this dream.
And then she moved. Her eyes fluttered, and then slowly opened. I watched as she took in a deep breath, and then clutched my shirt. I placed my hand over hers and squeezed.
“What happened?” she asked softly.
“You passed out. Are you okay?” I asked her, smoothing her hair from her forehead.
She leaned forward and nodded. “Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little lightheaded,” she said.
“Julie, do we need to take you to the emergency room?” Hilary asked.
Julie quickly shook her head. “No, I'm fine. My elbow is sore though,” she replied.
Liam instantly reached for her arm, and we stared at the ugly purple that was coming from a bruise. It wasn't a small spot either, but a large misshapen oval along her forearm.
“You must have gotten one of the doll houses,” Liam replied.
The doors opened behind us, and it was Julie's mom that came in. The children must have sought her out since it was because of Julie.
“Honey? What happened?” she asked quickly. I moved out of the way so she could be next to her daughter.
“I'm fine. I just passed out,” she said. Julie looked to me and held out her hand. “Help me up?” she asked. I nodded, and knelt down to lift her, bridal style. “What are you doing?” she asked.
I furrowed my brows. “Taking you to the ER. Mrs. Michaels, can you lead the way?” I asked.
She nodded, as I knew she would. The look she had given me when she came to Julie's side has assured me that the ER was exactly where she was headed.
“Liam?”
“Go ahead, Hilary and I will wait here for you,” he said immediately, and ushered us out of the room.
I followed Mrs. Michaels to the first floor, and we were only lucky that no one was waiting. As soon as we got down there, they took her back.
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