My Greatest Mistake

by T Gephart

  Nate blushed, shaking his head. “Thanks. Anyway, I’m here to render my services. The staff here are great, but unless I get consent, I can’t know anything about your mom’s particular case because of HIPPA. But I’ll be happy to talk to the doctors for you, or hold your hand? I’m a great coffee-getter too, but I think you already knew that about me.” He shot me a cheeky wink.

  “Thanks, she’s out of surgery to reset her arm, but she’s been mainly in and out. Lots of pain meds to keep her comfortable.” I gave his hand a squeeze. “It was so sweet of you to stop by.”

  He grimaced, his face looking guilty. “Actually, Linc sent me. You’ve barely spoken to him and I’m supposed to be his inside man. But I’d have come even if I didn’t still owe him for the prenup I bought at the auction.”

  “Is he . . .” The rest of the question got lost in my throat knowing it was already after four. He had a plane to catch, and I hadn’t given him much of a reason to stay. Not that I was sure he’d have cancelled his flight if I’d asked, but considering I’d repeatedly told him I wanted to be alone, I couldn’t really blame him for leaving.

  Truth was, I didn’t want him to leave.

  I wanted, no needed, him to stay, but I’d been too afraid to ask. Too worried about our lack of definition, and whether letting him see me so vulnerable would be a good thing. We’d just confessed our feelings for each other, and the last thing I wanted was to become a needy, messy bag of emotions. I didn’t even know what those I-love-yous meant. And when we were going to see each other.

  “He’s on his way back to Boston.” Nate answered exactly how I’d expected. “But I really think you should give him a call when he lands.”

  It was obvious Nate knew more than what he was saying, but it was hard to decipher what that was exactly. Was Lincoln upset I hadn’t spoken to him? Worried? Annoyed my family emergency had stolen what little time we had before he left? Angry we hadn’t discussed what was happening next? There was no way to tell, my concern having been so focused on my mom, I hadn’t really given it much thought.

  “I’ve kinda got a lot going on here, Nate. I’ll get to him when I can.”

  I hadn’t meant to sound so defensive, but I had no idea what Nate would say when he reported back. I was sure I knew where his loyalties lay, and they wouldn’t be with a woman he barely knew even if he was a really nice guy.

  And part of me was angry.

  Irrationally and stupidly angry that it was Nate standing there instead of Lincoln.

  Even though it had been me who’d pushed him away.

  Even though I’d demanded to be left alone.

  Because how dare he actually respect my wishes and do what I asked him to do when really I’d wanted him to just stay.

  To be there.

  To comfort me.

  To love me.

  Gahhhhh, I wouldn’t be one of those women. Who said one thing and meant another, who wanted to be chased by a guy.

  And yet . . . I wished it had been him.

  “Hey.” Nate held his hands up. “I’m not telling you what to do. Just a suggestion. You can take my advice or not, lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time someone hasn’t listened to it.”

  There was a slight edge to his voice, almost like he was frustrated, which would make sense since he’d probably been guilted into a trip to Queens.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just tired and cranky.” I tried to apologize, knowing he was just trying to be a good friend. “We haven’t eaten, and hospital coffee is the worst.”

  “Oh, you don’t have to tell me.” Nate nodded in sympathy. “But if you ladies want to get out of here for a while we can go get something to eat. My treat.”

  Belle looked hopeful, wrapping her arm around Nate’s. “Yes, yes we will totally come. We need to check on our mom first, and then you can steal us away and feed us.”

  “Belle.” I shook my head, wishing my sister had a little more of a filter. “I’m sure Nate has more important things to do with his time off. Thanks, but we’ll be okay.”

  He probably had to work soon, or even if he didn’t, could’ve found a more productive use of his time off other than babysitting us.

  “Just tell Lincoln we’re fine and I’ll give him a call in a few days. Belle is right about needing to go back and check on our mom though. She might be awake, and I don’t want to miss it.”

  “I can wait. I’ve got the day off and you know I hate eating alone,” Nate offered, not so easily swayed by my refusal.

  It was a tempting offer, and part of me desperately wanted to say yes. But I stuck to my guns, shaking my head and promising to feed Belle so she didn’t waste away like she was threatening.

  Nate paused, studying me like he wasn’t sure he believed me. Which just proved how smart he was because I wasn’t sure I believed me either. “Well, okay then. Guess I should leave you to it.” He gave me a hug before turning to Belle. “But call me if you need anything.”

  “I will, I promise,” I lied, knowing I needed something right then and couldn’t ask for it, so I sure as hell wasn’t going to call. “And thanks so much for stopping by. Even if it was under duress, it was still very sweet.”

  “Yeah, don’t mention it.” He lifted his hand in a wave. “We’ll talk soon.”

  And as he walked away, I was so conflicted as to what I wanted him to tell Lincoln.

  That I’d been strong, not needing any help, and was totally fine.

  Or that he’d seen through my bullshit and I was a mess.

  Lincoln

  “Talk,” I barked, having just landed at Logan. “Because if I get one more I’m fine message from her, there’s a very real possibility TSA is going to have to detain me.”

  There was no way Zara was fine. She’d barely been able to dress herself before she’d left the hotel, the pained expression in her eyes something I wasn’t going to easily forget.

  “She said she’s—”

  “Don’t fucking say it.” I cut Nate off, sparing us both from hearing what I knew was bullshit. “Did she look okay? Was her mom okay? Did she eat? She gets cranky when she’s hungry.”

  “You know, Linc.” Nate paused taking a breath. “These are all questions you’d know the answer to if you hadn’t gotten on that plane. I told you to cancel your flight, or at least delay it by a day. She needed you with her.”

  A humorless laugh made it up my throat. “Yeah, needed me so badly she couldn’t leave the hotel quick enough. Or make time to respond to one of those messages with more than three words. Not sure sticking around like some pathetic sap was the right call, especially since I’d already told the partners I wanted a meeting in the morning.”

  I’d been ready to drop everything, to blow off work even though the meeting had been one I specifically requested. But she hadn’t given me shit. Not even the slightest indication that she wanted or even welcomed my concern. And while I understood her primary—and rightly so—focus should’ve been her mother, she could have thrown me a bone.

  I’d waited hours in the hotel lobby. Waited for her to just pick up the goddamn phone and give me something. But nope, nothing. And considering I’d just told her how I’d felt about her, that spoke volumes.

  Figures that the first woman I said I’d loved would find a reason to freeze me out. Yeah, well fuck that.

  “Linc, women are complicated creatures. They don’t always tell you what they need. Sometimes you have to read between the lines.”

  “Oh, and your wealth of knowledge has come from where, Nate? I forgot you were an expert.” My tone had unintentionally been harsh, pulling my suitcase off the luggage carrousel and wanting to put my fist through a wall.

  “Don’t be a dick, Lincoln. You don’t need to have had sex with a woman to know something about them.” His tone matched mine, not willing to let it slide.

  “Fuuuuck,” I huffed under my breath, the older woman beside me tsk, tsking as she walked away. Like I gave a shit what she thought, or that I might have offended her
delicate sensibilities. “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I was ready to throw this all in, to resign, move to New York, to be with her. But how the hell am I supposed to do that now? What if the only reason she admitted her feelings was because she knew I was leaving?”

  It hadn’t escaped my attention that the direction of our evening hadn’t changed until after I’d told her I was leaving. She’d been completely okay with dinner and friendly—seriously, who was she kidding—conversation when she thought I was sticking around. Then as soon as I mentioned I had a flight—which I had every intention of telling her about—she couldn’t keep her hands off me. Like she needed one last roll in the sack before she kicked me to the curb.

  “Why didn’t you just tell her that you were thinking of moving to New York?” he asked, playing the fucking peacekeeper like he usually did.

  “When?” I huffed out a laugh. “While she was on the phone to her sister, finding out her mother was in the hospital or while she was running out the door? Oh, I know, I should’ve told her when she avoided my calls, drip-feeding me one-line texts like I was an inconvenience. Yeah, that would have been the perfect time.”

  “You want to keep biting my head off, Linc, have at it. But we both know that you aren’t that much of a bastard even if you’d have the world believe that you are.”

  He was right. Not only did he not deserve my shit, but he’d dropped everything when I’d called and asked him to go to the hospital to check on her. But fuck me, what the hell was I supposed to do? I’d been so convinced that Zara was the one, that I was making the right choice. But the first sign of shit not going to plan and she ran. It hadn’t even been my fucking fault, and she was freezing me out.

  “Look, I know it’s not your fault. And I get that she’s worried about her mom. But it’s been hours, Nate. You mean to tell me she can’t find two minutes to pick up the phone and just let me hear how fucking fine she is?” I was probably being unreasonable, oversensitive because when I’d told her I’d loved her, I honestly meant it. And those words didn’t come easily for me. But it didn’t make it sting any less, wondering whether I’d rushed into telling her. If maybe I should’ve waited.

  I shook my head, making my way to the exit with the phone up against my ear like so many other assholes in the airport. Some of them were being greeted by loved ones, happy hugs exchanged and tearful reunions. Not for me though. Not only was there no one waiting for me but the one person I wanted to see was in another state.

  “Hey, listen. I’m gonna catch a cab and go home, see if I can’t clear my head.” Not that it was going to be any different at home but at least I wouldn’t be in public. And it would give me time to think. Maybe I was rushing into this whole thing with Zara, and quitting my job wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

  At least I hadn’t sent that email, instead deciding to wait until I’d flown back to give my notice.

  “Call her, Lincoln. I know you’re all up in your own head right now and doubting yourself. But you love this woman. Don’t throw it away because of your pride.”

  It was good advice, but I wasn’t sure if it was valid. Love was a two way-street, and if she was having second thoughts, then I should probably rethink my strategy before I torched my life as I knew it.

  I walked outside, hailing a cab. “Thanks for the advice, man.”

  “You going to take it?”

  “I’ve got to go, Nate. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Linc—”

  “Getting into the cab. Talk soon.” And before he could argue, I ended the call.

  I still was unsure of what I was going to do, but I had a few hours to work it out. Or at least try and work it out.

  Fuck.

  Never in my life had I agonized over a call.

  Picking up my phone and scrolling to her name at least a dozen times before shaking my head and putting it back down.

  I’d stopped texting too, figuring I’d told her to call me at least five times and I was starting to look pathetic. So much for her needing me like Nate said, maybe she really was “fine.”

  It was late when I finally went to bed, having showered and eaten the worst pizza ever, I grabbed my phone and got between the sheets like a loser. I wasn’t into playing games, especially not with women, and I was more exhausted mentally than I’d been in a long time.

  My phone buzzed with a message, and I just knew it was going to be her. But instead of being hopeful or excited—like I would’ve been earlier in the day—I glanced at it with caution.

  Hey, sorry about today. It’s been crazy. Mom is going to be fine. She has a concussion, lots of bruises and a few breaks, but we were able to talk to her and there doesn’t seem to be any long-term brain damage. Anyway, she’s going to be in hospital for a little bit and then rehab for her arm but we’re so relieved. Hope your flight was okay and you’re already asleep.

  Really? She hoped my flight was okay and that I was asleep? I shook my head wondering if she’d specifically waited until after midnight hoping she wouldn’t have to talk to me. How hard was it to pick up the phone, call me, and tell me what was going on with her mom. I’d been concerned all day, drip fed the bare minimum like I was no one special. Guess it put things into perspective though, and got me thinking those emotions she said she felt were only because she knew I was leaving.

  Not willing to let her completely off the hook, I fired back my response.

  Good news about your mom, you all must be incredibly grateful. Let me know if there’s anything you or Belle need.

  It was a little frostier than I’d intended but given what I had to work with, it was as amicable as I could be. Maybe I was hoping she’d call me on my mood, give me some attitude right back. Or better yet, pick up the phone since it was obvious I was awake.

  We’re fine, thanks for asking.

  Wow, and to think I was feeling slightly guilty for being an asshole, guess I shouldn’t have been concerned. Deciding there was no real reason to respond—her last message hardly soliciting one—I left her on read and tossed my phone on the nightstand.

  Annoyed, frustrated, and more confused than when I’d arrived home, I decided sleep was the sensible thing. Less chance of doing something stupid, like toss in my career and move to another city. Still wasn’t sure what the hell I was going to do in the morning, but we’d always warned juries to weigh the evidence and take the emotion out of it when tendering a verdict. And if I knew what was good for me, I’d take my own damn advice.

  While I’d been worried I wasn’t going to get any sleep, my body shut down the minute my head hit the pillow. It was a welcome relief to be able to hit the reset button for a while, waking up just before my six-thirty alarm.

  Then it was business as usual. I got up, ran on my treadmill, showered, drank my coffee and then got dressed in one of my many suits. There’d been no further messages from Zara through the night which wasn’t all that unexpected.

  When I was ready, I went down to the underground garage and got into my car. I didn’t always drive into work, but today seemed like a good day to have my own set of wheels. Besides, I was hoping that dealing with traffic would help me keep my mind off Zara.

  It was just before eight when I arrived at my office, and even though I hadn’t been gone long, it felt like a lot had changed. I’d changed, the same buzz I used to get when I walked in, no longer there.

  “Hey, Lincoln. Welcome back.” Kerry—one of the partner’s secretary—smiled warmly. “How was New York? Heard you were a big success.” Her eyebrow lifted in suggestion as she slid her tongue across her cherry red lips.

  We’d always flirted with each other, but it never went any further than that. Neither of us was stupid or willing to lose our jobs, but we liked to talk dirty when no one else was around. And considering both of us were single, there was no harm done.

  Ordinarily I’d have quipped back with something about exactly how big I was or something else that alluded to my dick. But my heart just wasn’t in it, ev
en though Kerry was one of the prettiest women at the firm.

  “New York went well, thanks. I’ll be in my office.” I barely managed a wave before closing my door, shaking my head at myself and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. There was no reason why I couldn’t flirt with Kerry, especially since as far as I could tell, I was well and truly still single.

  Reasoning I didn’t need the distraction, I sat down at my desk and went over in my head the rehearsed speech I was going to give the partners. Deciding on a whim that a vacation was probably more than earned and less drastic than my original option, I figured other than grumbling about my lack of notice, I wouldn’t get much pushback. They’d want to keep me happy, want to give their star player whatever he needed to keep him lining up at the plate and hitting home runs, so their approval was something I was counting on.

  That, and technically I hadn’t taken any personal time in a really long time, so I was more than due.

  “Archer!” Adrian Locke walked through my door, his beaming smile almost as big as his bank account. “I heard you slayed it out there in New York. And on time too. Well done.”

  He sat opposite me without invitation, slapping his hand on his thigh. “Also heard you wanted a meeting this morning. If it’s about a raise, consider it done. Your review is only a few months off anyway, and I know Collins won’t fight me.”

  Ironically, it wasn’t cash that was the problem, my salary having been more than fair considering how long I’d been with them.

  “It wasn’t about a raise. And I was hoping to talk to both of you, which is why I set the meeting.”

  Adrian Locke and Damien Collins appreciated that I always got to the point, leaving the theatrics for a courtroom or boardroom when needed. And regardless of my current feelings as to the work I was doing, they’d been exceptionally good to me.

  His feathery-white brow rose, straightening in his chair. “They make you an offer? I assumed they would but didn’t think it would be even close to something that you would consider. Besides, we both know you’d be bored within a week being an in-house attorney. You like the thrill of the hunt too much, you’re not built to be someone’s house pet.”