“Because he had a shitty day,” I said. “Because he knew it would feel good, and after everything that went down, he wanted to take out some aggression. Fuck if I know.”
Leo nodded slowly, but I couldn’t tell if he was agreeing with me. “Do you want to know what I think?”
“No.”
“Too bad,” he said. “I think you have no idea how much you hurt him when you left.”
My mouth dropped open. “What? How much I hurt him? That’s rich. He wasn’t hurt, Leo. He was pissed at me, but that’s not the same thing.”
“You honestly think that’s true?” he asked. “He didn’t get hurt?”
I slumped back in my chair. “Nobody wants to get divorced. It sucked for both of us.”
“If you think he walked away from your marriage without a single scar, you don’t know him very well,” he said. “He’s good at hiding them, but they’re there. Don’t pick at them when he’s weak.”
“God, Leo, what do you think I am? I’m not some heartless bitch.”
His expression softened. “I know you’re not. I think there’s just a lot about him you don’t see. Especially now. And I don’t want him getting hit from all sides. This thing with my dad is… I don’t think anyone’s surprised, but it’s brutal. Roland has a lot on his plate. So I’m just saying, be careful with him. Don’t assume he’s bulletproof. He’s not.”
Coming from anyone else, this conversation might have made me angry. But I knew Leo sometimes saw things no one else could see. And he wouldn’t have come to talk to me if he hadn’t thought it was important. Leo wasn’t like Cooper, who said whatever came to mind the second he thought it. Leo was cautious. He’d probably thought about it for a while before deciding to bring it up with me.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll be careful. It was a one-time thing, anyway. Stress relief, you know? I don’t have it in for Roland. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“I know, that’s why I came over.” He stood and put his hand on the doorknob.
“Do you guys need anything today?” I asked. “Your mom, or Cooper, or anyone?”
He shook his head. “Not so far. But someone will let you know if we do.”
“Please do,” I said. “Really. I don’t know what I can do, but… something.”
“Thanks, Zoe.”
He left, and I leaned back in my chair. It was weird to think of Roland being hurt. He’d never acted like I’d wounded him by leaving. The only thing I’d ever seen was anger, followed by detached indifference. He hadn’t cared very much. Or at least, that’s how it had seemed to me.
His apparent callousness over the end of our marriage had been the most painful part for me. We’d argued a few times, but after that, he’d been emotionless. Unconcerned. Like the years we’d spent together hadn’t meant very much, and he was fine with moving on. He’d made it look easy.
Had his air of disinterest been a way to hide his pain? That was a very uncomfortable thought.
It made me question some of the things that had happened between us. And it made me wonder, what did he see when he looked at me now? I’d always figured I was just a girl from his past. A mistake he’d made. If it weren’t for the fact that I worked for his family, would he ever think of me at all?
But if I’d actually hurt him…
Maybe things hadn’t been as one-sided as I’d thought. I hadn’t just been hurt. I’d been devastated. Leaving Roland had been the hardest thing I’d ever done. But if he’d been hurt more deeply than I’d realized, things weren’t so black and white.
And what had happened last night took on an entirely new meaning.
20
Roland
The day was already warm as I rode out with Cooper in the utility vehicle, heading to the south vineyard. A few puffy white clouds hung in the bright blue sky, almost as if they were resting against the peaks of the mountains. The hills around us were a rugged patchwork of brown and deep green, and the air was fresh. Almost sweet.
I hadn’t been out here in years. We’d spent our childhoods in these fields, running through the rows of grape vines. Playing games, scraping our elbows and knees. Back then, I’d believed our vineyards were endless. That it wouldn’t matter how far I walked, I’d never reach the end.
Cooper stopped and turned off the engine. He hadn’t said much since we’d left the lower grounds. Silence with Cooper wasn’t comfortable. It was unnatural. I was used to a constant stream of thoughts coming out of his mouth. I’d sought him out this morning because I was tired of being alone in my own head. I’d been up most of the night stewing over everything. My dad’s affair. My mom. What was going to happen to my family.
And Zoe. God, everything with Zoe was an absolute mindfuck.
I’d been hoping Cooper could help distract me from the chaos of my thoughts, but so far, he seemed lost in his.
“What are we doing out here?” I asked.
He climbed out and put his hands on his hips, then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Need to check on some things. The drone photos showed we might have some minor nutrient deficiencies. But I need to see it for myself to be sure.”
“Drone photos?” I asked.
“Yeah, Leo has a drone license. He got one with a camera, so he flies it over the vineyards to take aerial photos. It’s pretty cool. I can see a lot from above. Growth patterns, signs of mildew or water stress. But there’s no substitute for visiting my babies in person.”
I got out and followed him as he walked down the rows of grape vines. He lifted leaves and checked on the bunches of grapes that were ripening. I watched him pinch and sniff. Tug on the vines. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for. The agriculture side had never been my area, but Cooper had always loved these fields. He’d been glued to our grandfather’s hip as a kid, making the rounds with him. Helping with plantings. Sneaking out during night harvests to help pick the grapes. Mom had often joked that Cooper had spent his childhood covered in so much dirt, he was destined to be a grower.
He took soil samples at various places, labeling his bags with a sharpie and putting them in his backpack. And although he wasn’t saying much to me, he did talk to the grapevines. I’d forgotten he did that. It was oddly comforting to hear his low murmurs, speaking to the grapes like they were pets or small children. Our world had turned upside down, but if Cooper still talked to his grapes, maybe some things wouldn’t ever change.
“You didn’t make your flight,” Cooper said out of the blue.
We were deep in the vineyard, the utility vehicle hidden behind several rows of vines.
“No, I canceled it,” I said.
“Canceled?” he asked. “Or rescheduled? Because those are different things.”
“Just canceled,” I said. “Are you making conversation, or are you trying to figure out if I’m leaving?”
“The second one,” he said. He knelt down and scooped another soil sample, then sealed the bag. “Because if you’re leaving, we have to figure out what the fuck we’re going to do.”
“I’m not leaving yet.”
He stood and looked me in the eyes, his face unusually serious. “I’m going to die here, you know.”
“What?”
“I don’t mean soon,” he said. “I plan to be an old man telling inappropriate stories of my sexual conquests at family reunions. Except I’ll still be smooth as fuck because I’ll get distinguished as I age. I’ll have a really cool hat and cane. It’ll be my signature look, and the hot MILFs in town will come sit on my lap and giggle when I whisper dirty shit in their ears.”
“That’s… weird and very specific.”
He shrugged. “I’m just saying, this is where I belong. I’m not leaving this land.”
“I know, Coop. The thing between Mom and Dad doesn’t mean we’re going to lose the land. In fact, Dad being gone could make it easier for me to ensure we keep it.”
One side of his mouth turned up in a smirk.
“What?” I asked.
; “Nothing.” He turned and kept walking.
I followed as he moved down the row. “What was that look?”
“It’s not a big deal,” he said. “You just said we.”
“We?”
“Yeah, we. You said the thing between Mom and Dad doesn’t mean we’re going to lose the land. You’ll make sure we keep it. We means you too, brother.”
I had said that, hadn’t I? “Yeah, well, it’s our family, right?”
“Yep,” he said, grinning again.
“Did you talk to Mom today?”
“Not yet,” he said. “I’ll go see her later. Did you?”
“I called her,” I said. “She seems like she’s doing okay, considering. She’s known something wasn’t right for a long time, she just hadn’t faced it.”
“Yeah. But I don’t want to talk about Dad.” He cleared his throat and turned over a leaf to inspect the other side. “Everything looks really good out here. But the soil still needs to talk to me. What about you? Do you want to?”
“Do I want to what?” I asked. “Seriously, Coop, do people ever understand you on the first try?”
“Do you want to talk to me?” he asked. “I wasn’t going to bring it up, because I figured by now you would have. Do you know how hard it’s been to keep my mouth shut all morning? Jesus, I’m being as patient as I can, but you’re going to have to give a little, here. You need to put in the work, bro.”
“I understood less than half of that.”
“What’s going on with Zoe?” he asked. “And just so we’re clear, I know you guys banged in the tasting room last night.”
Ah, fuck. I groaned. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, Ben walked by and heard something, so he called Leo. Come on, man, you thought you could get away with that? I have to give it to you, I’ve never fucked a girl in the Big House. Although believe me, I’ve thought about it. If I had a sex bucket list, that would have to be on it. Hey, sex bucket list, that’s not a bad idea. Maybe I should write it down. Nah, I’ll remember. Anyway, what’s up with you two?”
I let out a breath. “I honestly don’t know.”
“Good answer,” he said. “I figured you’d say nothing and I’d have to pry it out of you. At least I don’t know means you can admit it’s something.”
Was it, though? It had certainly been something to me. I wasn’t so sure about her. She’d walked out like it hadn’t been a big deal. Like I was just another hook-up.
“I don’t know what it is,” I said. “Other than me being an idiot.”
“You are an idiot, but that’s not why.”
“Thanks, asshole,” I said.
Cooper grinned. “Just keeping it real, bro.”
“Is this the part where you remind me that Zoe is your friend and I better not hurt her?” I asked.
“Nah,” he said. “I mean, she is, and I don’t want her to get hurt. But Zoe’s a big girl.”
I laughed. “Interesting, coming from the guy responsible for recording what’s-his-name’s body shot video.”
“That was different,” Cooper said, his expression serious. “You’re kind of a dick sometimes, and you did fuck up your marriage to her pretty bad. But I know you care about her. Which is kind of fucking crazy, because I used to be convinced that you didn’t. I would have gone toe-to-toe with anyone who claimed you gave a shit. I did not see it.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You’ve surprised me,” he said. “I know you didn’t want to come home and bail us out. But you did. And I admit, I don’t know fuck-all about relationships. But anyone can see the way you look at her. Hell, we all see it. I think she’s the only one who doesn’t.”
He pulled a pair of shears from a loop on his tool belt and cut a few leaves, then gently slipped them into another bag.
“That’s enough of that shit, though,” he said. “Jesus, Roland, I knew you needed to get some stuff off your chest, but you don’t have to be a girl about it.”
“I’m pretty sure all I said was I don’t know, and I’m an idiot.”
“At least we agree,” he said. “And don’t forget, Zoe is my friend, and you better not hurt her. I don’t care if you are my brother, I’ll still punch you in the dick.”
“You just said—”
“Dick punch,” Cooper said, pointing at me. “Watch yourself.”
I shook my head. Trying to make sense out of Cooper was a lesson in futility.
We walked up a shallow slope, and Cooper stopped now and then to talk to his grapes. I followed along, still thinking about Zoe. About what I wanted.
The thing was, I knew exactly what I wanted. It was just so fucking crazy, I was having trouble facing it. How could I admit that what I really wanted was her? I didn’t just want to sleep with her. This was so much more than that. Zoe was smart, fun, and beautiful. She was passionate and fiercely loyal.
I wondered how the fuck I ever let her go.
We’d crashed and burned pretty hard once. I didn’t know if she’d ever give me another chance. But I’d realized something last night, and there was no point in trying to talk myself out of it. I still loved her.
I loved Zoe like crazy. I always had.
I didn’t deserve a second chance, and I knew it. But if I didn’t try, I’d spend the rest of my life miserable and alone. I’d never love anyone like I loved her. I knew that now. Zoe was it for me. If she didn’t feel the same, I’d have to figure out how to live with it. But I knew one thing for sure: I wasn’t going to let her walk out of my life again. Not without a fight.
21
Zoe
It would be nice if you would answer. Simple question. Did you get the paperwork or not? I need you to sign. I just want this to be fucking over with.
~Text from Zoe, four years ago
I stood outside the Hummingbird Cottage, my tummy twisted with nerves. My limbs were jittery, and I’d almost talked myself out of this twice. But I really needed to talk to Roland. The more time that went by, the more awkward things were going to get. I didn’t know if he’d been out all day to avoid me, or because he’d been with his family. But I knew he was here now, and the sooner I got this over with, the better.
I knocked and heard a muffled coming from inside. The door opened, and I almost choked. Roland’s hair was wet, his chest bare and glistening, and he was wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist.
“Oh, hey,” he said. “Sorry, I assumed it was Cooper again.”
I blinked a few times, my mouth partially open. “Coop… Cooper?”
“He keeps trying to talk me into going out with him and Chase tonight.”
Talk, Zoe. Stop staring. “Oh, right. Yeah, Cooper can be a pain in the ass when he wants something.”
“Yeah.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder and adjusted his grip on the towel. It hung low across his hips, revealing the trail of hair that went down below his belly-button. “Do you want to come in?”
God, did I ever. I wanted to lick the water off his abs. But I had to stop thinking like that. “Um, yeah, please.”
I went inside, and he shut the door softly behind me. The deep breath I took to calm my raging hormones had the opposite effect. I got a lungful of Roland, and he smelled like man heaven.
“I’ll be right back,” he said.
“Yes, clothes are good,” I said.
He paused, and the corners of his mouth turned up in the hint of a smile. A drop of water trailed down his broad chest and slid over the surface of his nipple ring.
I swallowed and tore my eyes away. Thankfully, he went into the bedroom, but I didn’t hear the door latch. I told myself, quite firmly, that I wasn’t going to look. It didn’t matter if he’d left the door open a crack on purpose or not. I wasn’t taking the bait.
Who was I kidding? Of course I peeked.
I caught a glimpse of him from behind as the towel dropped to the floor. He had dimples on his lower back, right above his ass. I wanted to run in there and sm
ack those sexy ass cheeks. Maybe get him a little riled up so he’d spank me again.
Did I have no control over myself? I looked away and moved so the gap wasn’t in my line of sight. I was here to have a calm, rational, adult conversation with my ex-husband. I needed to remember that.
He came out in a black t-shirt and sweats. The way his clothes hugged his body was only slightly less distracting than seeing him half-naked. I’d told him last night that I hated him for being so sexy, and there was some truth to that. He was making it very hard to stay focused on what I’d come here to do.
“What’s up?” He sat on the couch and motioned for me to sit.
I sat next to him, careful to keep space between us. “I thought we should talk.”
“Yeah, we should.” He shifted so he was partially facing me and put his arm over the back of the couch.
I waited to see if he’d start talking first—he’d certainly started things last night—but he just looked at me, his blue eyes intense.
“Yesterday was pretty crazy,” I said. “I didn’t mean to be there when your mom and dad had it out.”
“I know,” he said. “It’s okay.”
“How’s your mom today?”
“She’s hanging in there,” he said.
“Good.” I glanced down at my hands. Why couldn’t I bring up last night? I’d never been shy about sex before. Why the hell was I acting like a blushing recently-deflowered virgin? “So, last night—”
“Was amazing,” he said.
“Yeah, it was, but…” No, forget the part where it was amazing. “I said it was a bad idea, and it—”
“Wasn’t a bad idea, and I’m glad it happened.” His eyes held mine captive, and he shifted closer.
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