“Koti, don’t waste your life on love’s obligations. Things may change for you.”
“Do you think you will still love me?”
“I know I will, I’ll never stop loving you.”
“Then I’ll wait.”
“I can’t ask you for that.”
“You didn’t.”
“Koti, this is ridiculous. You’ve wasted enough time.”
“The stars are back, Ian, because of you, they’re back. I don’t see them the same way. Do you still want to be here?”
“More than anything.”
“I’ll wait for you.”
“No. That’s ridiculous.”
“Why? Why is it so ridiculous? I waited my whole life for you. I can wait a little longer. If you feel the same, ask me to wait.”
“No. I could never ask that of you.”
“Ask me.”
I fought the words on the tip on my tongue. “No.”
“Please ask me,” she sobbed. “You said you loved me.”
“I do. More than I ever thought possible. But this is a foolish notion. It’s your heartache speaking. I love you, I do and that’s why I refuse to let you do this.”
“It’s not foolish to me.”
I sighed. “You’re still so young. We’re talking years, I won’t be able to come to the island often, and you won’t leave.”
“For you, I would try.”
“Then come now. Right now. I can’t leave, I have to teach. Be with me.”
“Ian.”
“Right. That’s what I thought.”
“You know how hard it is for me.”
“That’s why I’m not begging you to do something you aren’t capable of.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I won’t ask you.”
Silence. And it might as well have meant death.
“Koti, please don’t take it the wrong way. You have to understand, I put my life on hold for so long. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do the same for me.”
“How am I supposed to take it? You’re telling me to let you go when I’m telling you I’ll wait. Because I think you’re worth it. I guess I’m alone in that too.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“You’ve said enough. Goodbye, Ian.” Her voice broke as did our connection.
“Koti!”
I hit redial and got her voicemail.
After several tries, I left my first message.
“Answer the phone!”
And then rang her again.
“Koti, I can’t ask you. Don’t put me in this position please.”
And the day after.
“I’ve never been so fucking miserable. Please just try to understand.”
And the day after that.
“You’re being childish.”
And the day after.
“If I were there, your ass would be purple. God, but I’m not there and I’m dying to purple your ass. I miss you so much. I can’t come to you now just to leave you. Please believe me, I have no choice. You might not understand it, but I do, and I know in my heart asking you to wait is wrong. I won’t bother you again… but please call me back.”
* * *
Koti
Trailing my fingers down the piano keys, I tried in vain to keep the tears from surfacing. Before he left and after our signing lesson, he’d played for me daily while I lit candles and uncorked some wine. We’d taken great care of our bubble before it burst. Disco came running at the sound and when she realized it was me, she resumed the wait of her master in front of the screen door.
“Come on, baby girl, please,” I begged as I sat with her on the floor. Her missing him kept her alert. Any sound other than the noise inside the house had her scrambling for the door. Even after months away from him, her loyalty and unyielding love hadn’t faltered a single day.
“I know how you feel, but we have to get our shit together. Hey… who want’s bacon?”
She didn’t move, and I was out of cards to play. That morning it seemed she was suffering the worst of it as if the realization struck he was never coming back. I started my mourning the minute he left the driveway. My days spent wiping away tears every time I woke up and realized he wasn’t there to share a smile with and the fact that I would never again wake up to see his.
The devastation remained as the weeks passed and I couldn’t bring myself to call him back. I was at my breaking point. A mental list full of my new hopes weaved between my racing thoughts and the irony was, those hopes for my future all included him. There was no one else I wanted to share my life with. He was never coming back for me—for us—and I agreed to the heartbreak. I’d allowed it in.
Ian was it for me. And he was gone in every sense of the word.
We agreed on a clean break, but I never agreed to stop loving him because that would be too much to ask of a woman who was finally using her heart for something other than pumping blood through a string of years filled with anxious days.
Though I knew I loved him before he left, I didn’t realize how deep it ran. I didn’t realize the extent of my love or how hard I would love him, or how much it would break me to lose his daily affection. I didn’t realize how his presence would linger in my house or how I would forever sleep on the opposite side of the bed waiting for him to return to his side.
My love hadn’t faded, my tears weren’t anything more than fresh reminders on recycle. The pain of losing him wasn’t lessening as the days and weeks passed, my insides only grew heavier with ache.
His presence and our relationship had restored my faith in the possibility of a different life other than just managing my disorder. His absence took that faith away when he left me with nothing but a house full of memories and days filled with longing. We’d only had a few months to love each other, but that love would have to be enough to last my lifetime. I understood Jasmine and her hesitance to move on. I understood her stubborn heart and crumbling morals. I understood the unending pain and the scars love could leave.
I finally understood, and I fucking hated it.
I grieved him with every breath.
“So, this is what a broken heart feels like, huh, girl?”
Disco began to cry again, the same sorrowful whimper that started months ago as I pulled her into my arms and cried with her. For a moment in time, I lived in a dream with a man who could read my thoughts, whose attention took me to unbelievable heights, whose touch set me on fire and filled me with hope. I had the love of a good man, the best of love stories.
I found the one person in the world who understood me and loved me wholly as I was.
Love stories aren’t always perfect. They can wreak havoc on the heart and distort the soul. I’d gotten lost in love and found the reality at the end of it where I lived in the truth.
Not all love stories come with happy endings.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Ian
Two Months later
I sat Ella’s cocoa down on the wiry table at the park and took a sip of my coffee as she fed the birds the rest of her croissant. Once seated, she took a sip and commanded my attention with lifted hands.
Dad, you’re still sad.
I’m fine.
You’re lying.
I’m okay. How is school?
Please go. I’ll be okay. I miss her too.
I put up my hands and she covered them with hers.
“Dad,” she said. When it was just the two of us, she saved her voice for when she wanted to make her point. “You were happy with her.”
Her speech was close to perfect. Her structure still lacked a little, but I’d never been a prouder father. Her voice was a gift, as was she.
“You sound beautiful,” I said as she read my lips.
“I do not. I won’t ever sound good. But one day a man will love me like you love her. Do you want me to be without that man?”
I lifted my hands. No.
“Talk,” she commanded.
>
“No, I want you to have love.”
“And I want that for you. This is not the time to give up.” She swallowed and looked around us still a bit self-conscious from talking in public. “I’m going to the Washington program soon. You don’t need to be here anymore.”
I shook my head as she stomped her foot on the pavement. “Listen to me!”
She was loud, but I didn’t flinch. She was showing me what was in her heart.
“You are a good dad. But I’m growing up to be a woman.”
That time I couldn’t help but laugh at the ironic tantrum.
I took a sip of my coffee. “And I haven’t missed any of it and I don’t intend to.”
“You get on my nerves,” she huffed.
“That’s not nice.”
“I don’t want to be nice. You need to go. Mom is here if I need her.”
“Good for her.”
I still wasn’t speaking to my ex-wife. I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Daniel had buckled under the pressure of her expectations in their first few months of dating and left Tara holding the bag, especially when she told him Ella was his. I’d been spared a custody battle and because he was the piece of shit he was, Ella had been spared too. I got no satisfaction from any of it aside from the fact that my daughter didn’t have to deal with the heartbreak I had.
Ella lifted her chin in defiance. “Go to her.”
“No.”
“What if Koti loves someone else now?” The burn in my chest scattered, singeing every part of me as Ella pulled an envelope out of her purse. Inside was a small square picture of Koti. Pain radiated through me as I fixated on the perfection of her face. Had she moved on? Everything inside me ached at the thought and at the same time, it was exactly what I’d asked her to do. The picture had been taken a month ago and if her smile was any indication of her progress, she was in far better shape than me.
“She writes to me all the time. She loves me. She loves you. This is the good love you said you wanted me to know about. The kind you and Mom didn’t have. Dad, listen to me.”
I choked on the lump in my throat. “I’m listening, baby. I promise.”
“Good.” Tears sprung up as her passion flew out of her mouth. “I won’t let you keep me from that love.”
“I understand, but this is different.”
“No. I’m almost a woman!” She seemed more intent than ever on making that clear.
“There are plenty of things you aren’t old enough for.”
She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Dad. Go to her before it’s too late.”
“I can’t leave you. I won’t.”
“I’m leaving you, Dad!”
My head snapped up as she lifted her hands. I’m leaving you. I’m sorry. It’s time for you to find your new life.
I lifted my hands. You are my life.
“No,” she spoke again. “Koti too.”
Shocked at her admission and the weight of what she was saying, I couldn’t help the build of emotion that swam in my eyes. At the sight of it, Ella flew into my arms and spoke directly into my ear. “We can both be happy. I promise. I know you love me. Go be with her. She still loves you too. I know it.”
Praying I could whisper back, just once, to my little girl she pulled away as we both righted ourselves. I wiped my face of more tears.
You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I want you to know that.
“I know,” she said plainly.
I laughed at that as she took her seat and spoke again. “Do whatever the hell you have to do to make yourself happy. We only get one life, Daddy.”
A small group of women walked by staring wide-eyed in our direction before they spoke up to encourage her.
“Damn right, baby!”
“You tell him, honey!”
I raised a brow in an attempt to hide my smirk. “Where did you get that?”
She signed back.
An asshole I’m proud of.
* * *
Ian
One week later…
I pulled into the driveway and took a deep breath as I studied the identical houses. So much time had passed, yet the sight remained as much the same as the feeling in my chest. I’d abandoned her here months ago, and the last time I’d spoken to her, I’d given her no reason to wait for me. No reason to believe I would ever return. Exiting the cab of the truck, I glanced around the darkening sky. Koti always made it home by sunset, and I was losing my window by screwing around. All week I’d run in circles in an attempt to settle things in the States, so I didn’t have to leave her again in the near future. If by some miracle she took me back, if I had any place at all in her life, I was going to make damn sure I was able to be there. It took me a majority of the time to find someone to cover my class load, the rest I spent subletting my apartment. If Koti didn’t take me back, I would be a gypsy. That fear had me on the sand making headway toward her house before I could even begin to think about the right words. I’d phoned her, but her number no longer worked, which only had me scrambling faster to get to her. At Ease Property was on hiatus according to the answering service and the number I had for Jasmine had long since been erased from my phone from her one time calling me. I was at a dead end in reaching her and had only one option.
I breached the clearing of the alley only to be disappointed by the sight of the ocean without her standing in front of it. The loud clatter of wood on her porch had me jumping out of my reverie.
“Can I help you?”
I scoured the guy questioning me from head to toe. Tall, dark, built, and decent looking. Instantly, I hated him.
“I’m looking for Koti Vaughn.”
“She’s not here.”
Rage boiled through my veins as he gave me a subtle smirk. I wasn’t in the mood for bullshit and it seemed the opposite for him. He positioned a large piece of wood over one of her windows and began nailing it in.
“Can I ask what in the hell you are doing?”
“Uh,” he said with a furrowed brow. “I guess you could say I’m paying penance.
“Are you a friend of Koti’s?” I asked, my tone full of accusation.
“Something like that,” he said, giving me another disgusting fucking grin.
“In case it isn’t apparent, I’m not in the mood for this. Where is she and what are you to her?”
The guy smiled showing me every single one of his white teeth. “I’ve never met Koti man, chill out.”
“Then can I ask why you’re on her porch boarding up her house?”
“A favor for her friend, Jasmine,” he replied. “It’s a long story, but made short she asked me to board up this house and the one over before the storm comes.”
“Storm?”
“Big cell, hurricane headed straight for the islands. I don’t know when you got here man, but you better turn around and get out fast. It’s going to start tomorrow.”
“I’ve been busy all week, haven’t bothered to look at the news.”
“Did you miss every TV screen on the way here?”
“Shit,” I said, wiping my face.
“It’s everywhere.”
“Can you give me Jasmine’s number?”
“No,” he said. “But maybe she’ll pick up if I call her.”
“Maybe?”
“Like I said, long story.”
I rolled up my sleeves and picked up some of the boards. “That’s my parents’ place next door. I’ll get this done and come back and give you a hand.”
“Thanks, man, I appreciate it. Tell you what, I have a jet leaving at six. You help me out here, and I’ll make sure you get out of here in one piece.”
“Where’s Jasmine?”
“Iowa.”
“Iowa?” I grinned. She was with Julian.
“Want to tell me what that grin is about, brother? I’ve been begging for crumbs for the last few months.”
“I think it’s best that I don’t tell you for now.”
“Fair enough.” H
e swung the hammer as I got to work boarding up my parents’ house. Once I finished, I helped to finish boarding up Koti’s place. Every nail planted felt like more of what I didn’t want. I choked down the emotion of being on the island without her as I did everything I could to board her house up. Wherever she was, I was sure she was terrified.
When we were finished, the guy held out his hand. “I’m Steven.”
“Ian,” I offered, shaking his hand.
“I’m not sure this is going to help these houses, but let’s get the hell out of here.”
“I’m not leaving without Koti.”
“She’s not here in St. Thomas. Sorry, I thought you understood me.”
“And you don’t know where she is?”
“Nope. Let’s get on the plane and we can give Jasmine a call.”
“Sounds good.”
Two hours later, I was seated on a luxury jet when Steven put a cell phone in my hand.
“Hello?”
“You stupid ass men. I swear to God, I’m glad you found Steven, you two idiots deserve each other. If I was there, I would rip your damned balls off. You ASSHOLE!”
Steven chuckled across from me in his seat. “She’s a live one.”
I covered the mouthpiece. “I can see why you’re so smitten.”
“I’m so fucked,” he muttered, sinking back in his seat before he closed his eyes.
“It’s good to talk to you too, Jasmine. I’ve missed you as well.”
“Your ‘I’m a gentleman’ crap won’t work with me, and you damn well know it.” I heard a muffled, “Is that Ian? Let me talk to him.”
I would know Julian’s voice anywhere and heard Jasmine’s response to his request in the form of a painful grunt and a relenting, “Okay, baby, okay no need to get all batshit. Jeez!”
Jasmine responded to Julian by screaming in my ear. “I’ll show you batshit. You’re on my side. My SIDE!”
“You’re right, I’m on your side.” Seconds later, Julian’s voice was on the line. “Hey, man!”
Beach Reads Box Set Page 287