She cackled. “She worries too much.”
“I know.”
“She worries about you,” she said.
I nodded. “I know.”
“Because you’re still single.”
“Yes, yes, I am,” I said.
I was used to this conversation. Every few months, one of the relatives, beyond my immediate family, would have the talk with me. Mom was relentless. She used spies to do her dirty work. Oddly enough, Mom rarely said a word to me about my single status. She didn’t have to. There were enough siblings and relatives to do it for her.
“You’re such a handsome man,” she said. “And successful. Don’t tell the others I said this, but you are my favorite nephew. You are on your way to being a very wealthy man. Add that to your good looks and you are quite a catch.”
I chuckled. “Thanks,” I said.
“I’m serious.”
“I know. One day. I’m okay.”
“Dinner’s ready!” Mom shouted loud enough for the neighbors to hear.
“Do you want me to make you a plate?” I asked her.
“No, no,” she said. “I’m not an invalid.”
I helped her to her feet. There was a good ten minutes of chaos as everyone loaded up their plates. There was a lot of noise. Everyone was talking about their families and what the kids were doing in school. I smiled and nodded along. I said all the right things and congratulated everyone. I loved my family, and I wasn’t jealous of their lives. They had all found their own paths. I was on a different one.
I took my slice of apple pie back into the living room. It was about the only place that was a little quiet. I was halfway through my pie when Aunt Irene came into the living room. “Boy, that is one wild group,” she said and sat down.
Aunt Irene was alone in the world. My Uncle Frank had passed away ten years ago. They never had children. My mom insisted she move to Virginia to be closer to the family two years ago. I was glad she had all of us.
“I know you’ve got something on your mind,” she said.
“No, I’m fine.”
“You’re distracted,” she said with a smile. “What is it?”
“I promise, there is nothing bothering me,” I assured her. “I was just thinking about my classes tomorrow.”
She nodded as she chewed her pie. “You are very hard on yourself.”
“I’m dedicated,” I said.
“Yes, you are. It shows. But sometimes, that dedication can lead to some serious stress. Stress can make you old and gray faster than you want it to happen.”
“I’ve become very good at not letting stress get to me,” I said. “When I have a problem, I think it through. I can usually come up with a solution that satisfies the situation.”
She laughed so hard she almost choked. “You sound like a robot. You’re a man with real problems. You can’t just not think about them. Sometimes, problems aren’t so easily dismissed.”
“I don’t dismiss them; I just try to be rational. I rationalize whatever is on my mind until I find a solution. There’s always a solution if you’re willing to look at it from different angles.”
“Ah, but some problems require you to shut off the brain and listen to your heart,” she said. “Don’t overthink the problems that plague you. Let your heart lead the way.”
It was a lot easier said than done. “I am really okay,” I said again. “My heart has no business getting involved in this particular matter. I have goals and I think it’s wiser to let my head continue to do the thinking.”
She did a raspberry. “Your brain has always been too big for your own good. I get you’re rich and successful, but how is that really going to help you? Trust me, you don’t want to be my age and alone. I’m alone, but I have a lot of really great memories to lean on.”
“Aunt Irene, I say this with all due respect, but I’ve got a ways to go before I’m your age.”
She frowned at me. “I was quite a bit younger when I got married,” she said. “I had a full life. If you don’t get a move on things, you’re going to look back and be very angry with yourself for wasting so much precious time.”
I understood her worries about me dying alone, but I also knew what was important to me. What good would I be to a woman if I was constantly trying to get to the top in my job. I would be too busy trying to work. She would be neglected.
“When I get to where I’m going, my heart is free to take over the guiding,” I told her. “Until then, I’m going to keep my head in the game.”
“What is it you want out of life?” she asked.
That was a question I could answer. “I want to prove to myself and my colleagues that I am at the top. I want to be at the top.”
“What does that look like? What’s the top?”
“Tenure,” I said.
“Tenure?” she asked with confusion.
I sometimes forgot I was one of the only ones in my family to go to college. “Tenure means I’m in. It means I’ve proven to be an asset to the university. It means I can’t be fired. It means I can be the head of my department. I will be teaching and mentoring other professors.”
She nodded as she took another bite. “I see. I suppose there is a pay increase with tenure?”
I grinned. “Better be. It gives me more freedom to pick and choose what I want to do. I will be one of the youngest tenured professors.”
“Ah,” she said. “That makes more sense. You were always the one who wanted to be recognized for their accomplishments.”
“Not by you guys,” I said. “I want my colleagues to see and appreciate how hard I’ve worked.”
“Well, if you had a wife, she would give you all the accolades you needed,” she said with a laugh.
“Thanks, Aunt Irene. Once I feel like I’m at a good place in my life, I will think about the wife thing. I don’t want a wife that is going to be left home alone while I work all the time. I don’t want to start a marriage off on the wrong foot. I want to be able to provide stability. I want to have flexibility in my schedule to do the dinner dates and get away for weekends.”
She was grinning like a fool. “I think we’re a lot closer than we thought.”
“Closer to what?” I asked.
She winked. “A wife. I would bet you already have someone in mind.”
It was my turn to flash her a smile. “Possibly.”
19
River
Sometimes life just really liked to kick you in the teeth. Sometimes life had a little help from bad luck and fate. I seemed to have pissed them all off and now I was paying a high price. This was what happened when I broke the rules. This was why I was always a good girl. I wasn’t the kind of person who got away with shit. My sins always found me out, and when they did, they blasted those sins from the highest rooftops.
I had been a good girl. I made the mistake of sleeping with Lukas a second time, but I didn’t think that had gotten me to this point. This was a result of my first walk on the wild side with him.
“Why?” I groaned. “Why is this happening?”
I knew why. I was an educated woman. This was biology. Have sex, get pregnant. I closed my eyes and looked down at the test again. I loved how the manufacturers of pregnancy tests made it abundantly clear you had a positive test result. They didn’t leave room for interpretation. There was no frantically reading the instructions to determine if one or two lines was good. There weren’t any boxes to identify a plus or minus sign.
“Pregnant,” I read the word glaring up at me aloud.
I looked in the mirror and studied my face. I didn’t look pregnant. No one had to know. I could keep this my secret for now. No one except Gwen of course. I opened the bathroom door and walked into my living room. I felt like I was in a dream. This could not be happening.
“Well?” she asked.
I slowly nodded. “Well, it was positive. I’m pregnant.”
She jumped off the couch with her hands covering her mouth. “I’m trying to hide my reac
tion. Do you want me to be happy or terrified? Is this good or bad? You tell me and I’m right there with you.”
“This is—” I paused. “This is—I don’t know what this is.”
“Sit down,” she said. “Let’s work through this. We’ll figure this out.”
“I don’t understand,” I said. “How does this happen? Two times we had sex. Twice! How am I the one girl who gets knocked up for stepping out of line twice? It doesn’t seem fair.”
“Did you guys use anything?”
“Yes! Both times!”
“Wow,” she muttered. “You really do have the worst luck.”
“I bet it was the first time,” I said as I replayed that night. “The condom broke before things really got going. I’m the one our health teachers warned us about. I’m the fertile one that gets pregnant without even needing the whole shebang.”
She burst into laughter and then quickly wiped it away. “I’m sorry. Shebang. I think you mean the grand finale.”
“Yeah, whatever. Apparently, he is one potent dude. Makes sense. Everything about him is just a little extra. Of course, he would have super sperm.”
She was trying to hide her smile. “How are you feeling? I mean, what’s your initial reaction to this? Are you happy? Are you freaked?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’ve always planned on having kids eventually.”
She nodded. “Okay, that’s a first step. Does Lukas know?”
“I haven’t talked to him since the last time we were together. It’s been almost two months.”
“Are you going to tell him?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not sure it matters if he knows. I don’t want him to feel obligated. We had sex a couple of times and that was that. There have been no phone calls and zero promises. I made it very clear there could never be anything between us. He agreed. We are both interested in preserving our careers. If the dean—if my dad knew, this would be so much worse.”
“Uh, I don’t know if you understand how this all works, but I’m pretty sure your dad is going to know eventually,” she said.
“He might know I’m pregnant, but I’m not telling him who the father is,” I said.
“You don’t think it’s his right to know?”
“My dad doesn’t need to know,” I stated. “This is my life. My body. My baby. I’ve known I wanted kids, but there has never been this absolute idea that I needed a husband to do it. I can have this baby on my own. Women do it all the time.”
“I was saying, don’t you think Lukas has a right to know?” she repeated.
I thought about it. “If Lukas knows, he is going to feel obligated to be a part of the baby’s life. If he shows up at birthdays or holidays, that’s going to clue Dad in. Lukas could lose his job. He would definitely lose tenure. Not just Lukas, me too. What good does it do our baby if we are both jobless? Besides, I know for a fact this is not what Lukas wants.”
“You guys talked about kids in your very limited interactions?” she asked with surprise. “Between drinks and sex?”
“Not about kids specifically, but he doesn’t want a relationship. He has never had a girlfriend. He is very focused on his career. The last thing he is going to want is a kid. I can raise this baby.”
“Did you know you wanted a baby before you saw that positive pregnancy test?” she asked.
“No, but it’s different for me,” I reasoned.
“How so?”
“Because I’m the one with the baby inside me. I can’t just walk away and pretend it didn’t happen. He has the option of carrying on with his life as if it hasn’t changed.”
“He might not think he wants a baby, but if he knows it exists, that might change his mind. You don’t always know what you want until you have it.”
“I don’t know,” I said and shook my head. “I have to think about it. I’m still trying to get my head around this. I just can’t believe this is happening. You go out and be bad all the time and you don’t get knocked up.”
“Hey! I don’t go out and have sex with randos all the time! Besides, I’m on the pill. I can’t have a kid until I graduate. I don’t want to be going to college with my child.”
“You know what I mean,” I said. “You’re the one that called me a born-again virgin.”
“I guess all those eggs were just waiting for some action,” she teased.
I groaned. “This is such a mess. I cannot believe this is happening. I’m not a bad person.”
“This isn’t a punishment,” she said. “You could look at it as a blessing. Like you said, you wanted kids. You’re just getting a head start on that plan.”
“I can make this work,” I said more for my own benefit than hers.
“Wouldn’t it make things just a teeny bit easier if he at least helped out financially?” she asked. “I’m not saying you have to take him to the cleaners, but babies are expensive. You’re going to need daycare so you can work. I will of course help out as much as I can, but it is going to be tough.”
“I know,” I said. “I can make it work. I’ll rework my finances. I’ll dip into my savings. It’s not like I really have a choice.”
“You do have a choice,” she said. “He could help with babysitting duties as well.”
“That puts him in the child’s life,” I reminded her. “That’s not what we want.”
“That’s what you think you don’t want. You don’t know what he wants because you haven’t told him.”
“I haven’t talked to him in almost two months. Clearly, he has already forgotten about me. I’m not going to be the woman that shows up at his door and tells him he fathered my baby. Not only does that seem a little crass, but why would he believe me?”
“Why would you lie?” she countered.
“I know I wouldn’t lie, and you know, but he doesn’t really know me at all. He’s a successful man and I don’t really know how much money he has, but I gather he’s doing okay for himself. He might think I’m after him for that.”
She scoffed. “That’s dumb.”
I shook my head. “I’ll figure it out.”
She patted my leg. “I have to get to class. Call me if you need me. We can bounce more ideas off each other. Whatever you need.”
“Thanks for being here.”
“You’re welcome,” she said.
I showered and got ready for work myself. It was strange to know I was carrying a baby inside me. It wasn’t just me I had to take care of. I was going to make sure I was healthy. I was going to go grocery shopping after work and get better food choices. I could do this.
It was near the end of the day when I made my way to my office. I needed to take care of a few things before I went home. I was about to leave when there was a knock on my door. My first reaction was to try and hide. I didn’t want to see Lukas. Then I reminded myself I hadn’t seen him in a long time. There was no reason for him to show up now.
Before I could give permission to come in, my dad walked through the door. Judging by the expression on his face, he was not happy. “Hey,” I greeted.
“We need to talk,” he said and sat down.
“About?”
“I’ve been hearing some rumors. Rumors I don’t want to believe.”
“What now, Dad?” I asked with a sigh.
“I heard them a bit ago, but I dismissed them. They aren’t going away.”
“What?” I snapped. I was not in the mood.
“I heard you were out and acting inappropriately with the staff,” he said with disgust. “You were drinking and singing and making a complete fool of yourself.”
I rolled my eyes. “I was at the mixer that you encouraged me to go to. Yes, I had a few drinks. Yes, I participated in the activities because that’s what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to be social with my fellow faculty. Isn’t that what you encouraged?”
“I was told it was a lot more than being social,” he scoffed. “You were seen out at a bar a few days lat
er with more faculty members. That was certainly not sanctioned.”
“Dad, I don’t need your permission to go out and have fun. And Dean Miller, you don’t get to dictate my personal life. I’m an adult. What I do when I’m not working is my business. I can go out and do what I want. It’s not like I was representing the university.”
“You know I want my teachers to maintain a professional appearance on and off campus.”
I nodded. “You go golfing with board members. You have dinner with me. You grab coffee with other professors. Why is it any different if I go out and have a few drinks?”
“Because you were acting inappropriately!”
“Prove it!” I shot back.
“So, it’s true?” he asked.
“No. I went out. I will go out. I’m not going to sit around and knit all night and day. I can go out and have fun. This is a big university and a small town. It’s next to impossible not to run into people I work with. Stop trying to be a dictator.”
“I need you to think about your actions,” he said. “Do not embarrass me or the school.”
“You should be very glad no one knows we’re related,” I shot back. “Your good name is safe.”
“Don’t turn this back on me,” he said. “What else are you doing in your off time? Am I going to hear more rumors?”
“I don’t know, Dad,” I said and threw my hands up. “Rumors are just that. There is no fact involved with rumors. You should know better. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go.”
“I’m asking you to remember who you are,” he said.
“I’ve never forgotten who I am,” I said. “I think you need to remember who you are.”
I grabbed my things and opened the door. I was prepared to walk out without him. He finally got up and gave me one last look. “This is important,” he said in a soft voice.
“Yes, it is.”
He walked out of the office. I was more certain than ever I could not tell him about Lukas. He would never know the father of his grandchild. I was going to take that secret to the grave.
20
Lukas
Our Little Secret Page 12