If it was physically possible to drag my knuckles across the pavement, I would be doing exactly that. I missed River. It was stupid. I couldn’t miss someone I wasn’t really involved with. We went out one time. That was it. I spent more time with my students than I spent with her. It just sucked that I finally met a woman I really liked, and I couldn’t have her. We barely scratched the surface of getting to know each other. I didn’t really know her at all.
I grabbed my coffee and scanned the cafeteria area for an empty table. It was a little cool outside and everyone had flocked indoors. I spotted one in a corner and made my way toward it. I didn’t dare go to the teachers’ lounge. We were still doing this little dance of avoidance. It was pretty incredible we had managed to avoid seeing each other for damn near two months.
“Why do you look like someone ran over your foot?” Brad asked as he took the empty seat at my table.
“I don’t,” I said.
“You do. You look like you’re going to cry.”
“Shut up,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood.
“Seriously, what’s up?”
I shrugged. “It’s just one of those days.”
“I would ask if it’s a woman problem, but since you don’t have a girlfriend and never have, it can’t be that.”
I had never told him about River. I told no one and it was eating at me. I needed to release the pressure valve. I knew he would never say anything. “It isn’t a girlfriend. It is a woman.”
He raised his eyebrows. “What? When did this happen?”
“A couple months ago.”
“You were seeing someone?” he asked.
“Not exactly. We hooked up a couple times. That’s it.”
“Like a bar pickup?”
I slowly shook my head. I was certain he would figure it out eventually. If I didn’t have to actually tell him, then I wouldn’t be telling him. “No,” I said.
“A couple months ago,” he murmured as he looked thoughtful. I sipped my coffee and waited for him to put it all together. “Oh shit!” he exclaimed. “The art lady?”
“Shh,” I hissed and looked around to make sure no one heard.
“The art lady?” he said again.
I nodded once. “Yes.”
“Woah! When did that happen? That night?”
“That night and we went out one other time,” I answered.
“Wow. Damn. I had no idea. So, what’s the problem?”
“Nothing. There isn’t a problem.”
He looked at me. “Uh, clearly there is. What happened? You guys didn’t work out?”
“We never did really try,” I explained. “We can’t. There’s a pretty strict rule about us dating one another. I know it’s not a rule you care about, but I do. She does. I can’t risk tenure. She is one of the youngest and newest professors on staff. She doesn’t want to rock the boat.”
“So, you’re sulking instead of trying to find a way around the rules?” he questioned.
“I’m not sulking. I was just thinking about things. I’m pensive, not sulking.”
“You like her,” he said.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since the last night I was with her.”
“Does she still work here?” he asked.
“I assume she does,” I said. “I think we are both doing a very good job avoiding each other.”
“You’re weird.”
“I like my job. I’m not going to put my job at risk.”
“Why can’t you at least talk to her?” he asked. “I’m not fucking you and we’re sitting here having coffee in a public place. I don’t understand why you can’t at least be friends.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Oh, because you still want her.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not sure what’s going on. She made it clear this was never going to be a thing.”
“I think you should at least try and clear the air,” he said. “How weird is it going to be when you do run into each other?”
“Yeah, I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not sure what I would say.”
“Man up,” he said. “Don’t leave her hanging. That’s not cool.”
“I’m not leaving her hanging,” I growled. “We agreed we weren’t going to see each other.”
“Fine, but don’t blow her off. You’re miserable. That’s obvious. You should at least try and be friends with her.”
“Thanks, I’ll think about it.”
He slapped his hand on the table. “Do it. I’ve gotta run. It’s obviously bothering you.”
“I’ll see you later,” I said instead of agreeing to anything.
It would be nice to at least clear the air between us. I didn’t like this whole thing of me hiding from her. We already agreed we weren’t going to be a thing. I could at least be big enough to tell her everything was cool. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to chase her, but if we crossed paths, I didn’t want it to be awkward.
I was going to do it. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I was going to at least extend an olive branch of some sort. I didn’t think either of us did anything wrong, but I did feel the tension between us, even though we had not technically seen or spoken to one another.
I went to her office and knocked. She wasn’t there. I wasn’t going to give up. I worked up the nerve to talk to her and I wanted to do it while it was on my mind. I made my way to the studio she taught in. The door was open, and it looked like the place was empty. I walked in and saw her near the back of the room. She had her arm against the wall and her forehead resting against it like she was sleeping.
“River?” I said as I walked toward her.
She turned to look at me. I was taken aback by her appearance. She looked gaunt. Her face was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine.”
“Can I get you something?” I asked, ignoring the claim she was fine. She wasn’t fine. She looked rough. “Why don’t you sit down?”
She walked to one of the stools set up in front of an easel and sat down. “Thanks.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look like you’re feeling well.”
She forced a smile. “It’s just a virus. I probably shouldn’t have come in today.”
I reached into my bag. I had just picked up a bottle of water. She looked like she could use it more than me. “Here,” I said and thrust it at her. I didn’t know what else to offer to try and make her feel better.
She took it. “Thank you. I’m going to have to start keeping a supply in here.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, and the awkwardness set in. “I, uh, I wanted to stop by and say hi. We haven’t talked or seen each other in a while.”
“Because we’re not supposed to,” she said.
I nodded. “Right. Well, could we at least grab some coffee? It could be in the cafeteria. It would all be on the up and up.”
She grimaced. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
It was a bit of a slap in the face. “I wasn’t asking you on a date,” I snapped. “I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of tiptoeing around campus and going out of my way to avoid running into you. I think we’re both adults here. We can have coffee and platitudes without falling into bed together.”
“How long did we work on the same campus without ever seeing each other?” she asked. The exhaustion was evident in her voice.
“I’m not sure because I know very little about you.”
“I would say more than a year,” she replied. “I’m not avoiding you. I don’t want coffee. You don’t need to try and be friends with me. We both agreed it was best if we avoided one another. There’s no reason to go out of your way to talk to me.”
I actually leaned back and away from her. She was being rude. “I guess I thought we could at least be friends. That isn’t against university rules.”
She snorted. “No, you would
n’t think so, but apparently, someone has told the dean we were out together and being inappropriate. I’m sure you know nothing about that since you have more time on the job. I’d rather not draw any more attention to the two of us. Those little loose-lipped assholes can go fuck themselves.”
I was shocked by her anger. I was going to chalk it up to her not feeling well. “I didn’t know,” I said. “No one has said anything to me.”
“Of course not,” she spat. “It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to worry about avoiding me or running into me. I’m taking a sabbatical after the end of the semester.”
“This semester?” I asked with surprise.
“Yes. I’ll be taking a year off.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “What? Why? What will you do?”
“It’s my decision,” she said. “I’m taking a year off.”
“Because of me?”
She shot me a look. “It has nothing to do with you. I don’t care if I run into you on campus. Nothing is going to happen between us.”
“River, I get the feeling you’re pissed at me,” I said. “I didn’t call or text because I thought you made it very clear you didn’t want me to.”
“I didn’t.”
“Then can you tell me why you’re angry with me?” I asked.
“I’m not angry, Lukas. I don’t feel well. I don’t want coffee. You don’t need to avoid me. I’m not avoiding you. I’m doing what I always do. My work is my focus right now.”
I nodded. “I see. Okay. I thought it was acceptable to be friends with the people I work with. I wasn’t aware it was reserved for certain people. I’ll try not to bother you again. Enjoy your sabbatical. I hope it’s satisfying.”
I turned and walked out. I was hurt. I didn’t think she’d openly shun me. That stung just a little. So much for Brad’s great advice. That backfired. I wasn’t expecting her to welcome me with open arms, but a cup of coffee wouldn’t have hurt. I saw plenty of professors and aides dining together and getting coffee together. It wasn’t going to violate any rules.
If I was being honest with myself, I had to accept the fact she just plain didn’t like me.
21
River
I looked at myself in the mirror and then turned to the left. “Shit,” I muttered.
I was hoping I could make it a little longer before I started showing. I only had a couple more weeks before the end of the semester. It was hard to give up my schedule. I was going to miss teaching. I kept telling myself it was going to be good for me and the baby. I would have lots of time to prepare for the baby, and in my free time, I could do some painting. I planned on paying the bills with freelance work. Without my teaching schedule, I would have a lot more time to take on jobs.
I smoothed my hand over my growing bump. I was past the first trimester, and thankfully, the morning sickness was mostly gone. There were still moments but not nearly as bad. I hoped I wouldn’t start showing until after Christmas, but this baby had other plans.
I went back into the closet to find a scarf to drape over the baggy sweater I was wearing. It was crazy. I went to bed last night and there was a small bump. I woke up this morning and it was like a watermelon blossomed overnight. My burrito belly had turned into something much more.
I grabbed a scarf and draped it around my neck with the wide ends hanging over my belly. I hoped to downplay the growing bump. I hated that I was attempting to hide the bump. It made me feel like I was ashamed of my baby. I wasn’t ashamed. I already loved the little guy or gal. I hated that I couldn’t share these moments with Lukas. I did miss him. Seeing him that day in the studio had been difficult. I wanted nothing more than to lean on him. It had been a particularly brutal day of morning sickness. I would have loved to let him dote on me, even if it was just for a few hours.
“You can do this,” I murmured.
I had decided from the moment I found out I would do this on my own. I had no doubt I could do it. Doing it wasn’t really an issue. There wasn’t exactly an option. I had to do it. The problem was I was getting sentimental. I wished I had someone to lean on, beyond Gwen. I wanted to share this journey.
I couldn’t. I needed to stay resolved in my decision. It wasn’t fair to him now. I couldn’t just drop all of this in his lap, especially after the way I spoke to him. With my belly disguise as good as it was going to get, it was time to go to work.
I met Gwen in the cafeteria. I was allowing myself a half cup of coffee mixed with decaf. It wasn’t exactly the same, but it would do. “Woah,” she said when she saw me walking toward her.
“I know,” I groaned. “I hope I don’t see the dean or Lukas. This thing has decided to make its presence known.”
She giggled. “You look so cute.”
“Thank you. From what I’ve read, this is the cute phase. I will be on sabbatical when I hit the beached whale phase.”
“You’re not going to be a beached whale,” she said. “Is your dad still okay with you taking the sabbatical?”
I rolled my eyes. “I think okay is stretching it. He’s not okay. He’s accepted it, but he isn’t happy about it.”
“Are you going to tell him about the baby, or do you plan on hiding from him?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. Obviously, I have to tell him eventually, but not yet. What about you? Have you decided what classes you are taking next semester?”
She groaned and shook her head. “No. I think I have to concede my initial goal. I am not ready to stop learning. I can’t stop. I’m addicted to education. I love learning.”
“Do you think it’s the learning you love or the environment?” I asked.
“Both,” she answered easily. “I learn so much from the other people in my classes. I like opening a book and learning something new.”
I smiled. “You know, if you love education, maybe you should think about being a teacher. You have a passion for learning, but I bet you have a passion for teaching. With your wide array of knowledge in just about every subject, you could teach in a one-room school. You know a little about everything.”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t want to be a teacher. I want to be the student. I like learning. I don’t think I would be any good at teaching.”
“I think you would be,” I said. “Maybe you should take a few early education classes and see if you like it.”
“Maybe, but for now, I’m going to check out photography and another science class.”
“You are crazy,” I said. “I can’t believe you love school so much. You’re an odd duck.”
“Quack, quack.” She giggled. “I have to run. I’ve got to meet with the admissions counselor. I think she thinks I’m an odd duck as well.”
“Good luck. I’m going to sneak over to my office and hide until it’s time for class. I need to finish up a few things before the semester ends. I want to make sure I leave everything in good standing. I have no doubt my dad will try and use a single mistake against me when it comes time for me to get my job back.”
“I’ll call you later,” she said as we parted ways.
I made my way to the office. The day was unseasonably warm. The heavy sweater I was wearing made me hot. I was almost to my office when I got a call from my dad. I thought about ignoring it, but it was on his office line. That meant it was more likely to be official university business.
“Hello?”
It was his assistant requesting I go directly to the dean’s office. I sighed. I was not going to let him take back the approval for my sabbatical. It wasn’t like the art major was the main draw to the university. I changed direction and made my way to the admin office.
“You can go in,” his assistant said. I noticed her looking at my stomach. I shifted my laptop bag in front of my stomach and walked past her.
My dad was sitting behind his desk with his glasses resting on the tip of his nose. “Dean Miller,” I said.
He looked up at me with a frown before
taking off his glasses. He jerked the paper from his desk and held it up. “I was hoping you could tell me this was a mistake,” he said. His eyes dropped to my stomach. “It’s not, is it?”
“What’s a mistake?” I asked.
“I got a statement of benefits from our health insurance. Prenatal care, River?”
I was immediately pissed. “You’re snooping through my private mail?” I asked with horror.
“It was delivered to my house! You should have updated your address.”
“You didn’t have to open it!”
“Prenatal care!” he shouted and jumped to his feet. “Is this real? Are you pregnant?”
There was no point in denying it. I did want my child to know his grandfather. “Yes,” I said.
“That’s the reason for your sabbatical?” he hissed.
“Yes. I would like to spend a few months with the baby.”
“Who’s the father?” he snapped.
“That’s none of your business,” I said.
“The hell it isn’t! You’re my daughter. Who did this to you?”
“It’s not like it was a drive-by, Dad,” I said. “I am raising the baby on my own.”
He groaned and sat back down. “He knocked you up and left.”
“I’m not knocked up,” I said and managed to rein in my tempter. “This is my choice. It is none of your business who the father is. This will be your grandchild. You can choose to be a part of his or her life or not, but you don’t get to treat me like a child.”
He shook his head. “I knew it,” he hissed. “I knew the rumors were true. Lukas Constantino. The finance professor. It’s him, isn’t it?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I did my best to play innocent.
“I know you spent time with him,” he said. “I didn’t confront you about it because I hoped it would be over. I wasn’t aware it had gotten so serious.”
“It didn’t. It hasn’t.”
“I looked into this man,” he said. “He’s trying to get tenure. He’s only been here a few years. He’s done well, but this is a grievous disrespect. I will not allow this to go unpunished.”
“You can’t do that!” I shrieked.
Our Little Secret Page 13