He's My Associate

by Cay Harrington

  “But you don’t have access to it?”

  Ryan’s lips thinned. “Precisely. All my income, save for rent and essentials, are held in a trust of sorts until I fulfill my end of his deal. And no, I had no hand in writing it. Didn’t even know it was a thing until he died and my dear old mother sent me a copy of the will over email. I always just thought the bastard was stingy with my pay. Not like I had a choice.”

  “Wow.”

  “Very wow.”

  Ryan stuck over half of the food he’d ordered back in his fridge which, Cooper saw, was almost entirely comprised of takeout.

  He thought about how often Ryan stayed at the office. Before and after everyone else. Always there. Never home. Always working for no payoff. There had to be a reason.

  “Is work your safe space?”

  Ryan didn’t falter at the question. He threw away the forks and napkins and turned around to regard Cooper with crossed arms.

  “I prefer to be doing something with my free time is all. Nothing for me to do here.”

  “You don’t have anything to do? What about friends?”

  Ryan laughed shortly. “Bold of you to assume I have any.” Then, “Come on, I’ll show you the linen closet, you can grab as many blankets as you like.”

  Ryan strode past him but Cooper grabbed his arm. He looked at where Cooper held him like he was confused. Or deciding whether or not to cut his fingers off and keep on his way. He finally met Cooper’s eyes.

  “You want me to stay?”

  Something dark entered Ryan’s gaze and it burned Cooper.

  “I assumed, as it was getting late.”

  “It’s barely six.”

  Ryan stared, unblinking. Cooper squeezed his arm and Ryan let a deep breath shuffle out through his nose.

  “What’re you doing, Cooper?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Ryan took a step closer to him and Cooper could feel his body heat. He wanted to grab Ryan and press him against the counter, feel what he felt like. Wanted to feel him everywhere.

  It was the first honest admission he’d let himself have. And it felt right. But it was frightening too.

  “You want me to stay, Ryan?” he asked, and held his breath.

  Ryan held his gaze for a beat longer before raising a hand to splay across his chest. His eyes lowered to track the movement, stare at where they connected. His palm dragged over one nipple over his shirt before falling away completely.

  “Let me grab you some blankets, Cooper.”

  Then he was walking away.

  “I can stay, if you want.”

  Ryan stopped.

  “You asked me that earlier. To stay.” Ryan turned to watch him. “Did you mean that?”

  Cooper didn’t know what to say. He just knew he didn’t want to lie.

  “Yes,” he said.

  Ryan nodded. Then he did it again.

  “We need to keep up appearances, that’s all,” Ryan finally said. His voice lacked any emotion, and Cooper couldn’t pinpoint what the expression he wore really meant. It was blank, and seemed to stare right through him, unseeing. “That’s all.”

  Cooper’s heart sank when Ryan pulled out his phone.

  “I’ll get you an Uber.”

  Before Cooper realized what he was doing, he was in front of Ryan, hands on his shoulders. Ryan didn’t meet his eyes. Cooper ran a hand over his clavicle, up his neck, running it over his hair—and Ryan shut his eyes and let out a sigh. It sounded like relief.

  Cooper backed him up against the wall, heart leaping as Ryan’s hands found his sides. He felt around and clasped them at Cooper’s lower back, holding him gently. Cooper was shaky, felt untethered. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Ryan’s. Ryan sighed pretty and soft and melted into it.

  It was chaste and soft and sent a deep warmth through his bones. Then it was Ryan who opened his mouth to suck Cooper’s lower lip between his teeth to lightly bite and Cooper was lost. Lost to Ryan and his gentle biting and sucking and the way his tongue leapt forward without being gross. Cooper held his face between his hands, holding him close and tight, feeling like Ryan was his. Like he could do this forever. Like they could go to work, and pretend, and everything would be perfect for once.

  Maybe they wouldn’t have to pretend at all.

  There was such a heady spike of hope at the idea—he could see it so clearly.

  Ryan didn’t push him away, but he moved his face to the side, away from Cooper’s searching mouth. Cooper blinked and waited, wondering.

  Ryan’s hands dropped from his waist.

  He leaned his head against the wall, smiling softly. He closed his eyes. Cooper thought he looked at peace.

  “Cooper,” Ryan said.

  “Yes?”

  Ryan opened his eyes and cold settled at the base of Cooper’s spine. The blank look from before was back.

  “You’re fired.”

  6

  “No I’m not.”

  Ryan’s eye twitched. “Yes,” he insisted. “You are.”

  Cooper felt calm settle over him. Oddly, he didn’t feel either ill or nervous or panicked or fearful or betrayed, he just felt calm. If Ryan had told him he was fired twelve hours earlier, it would be different. He knew that much. But things had changed. Twenty-four hours and everything had changed.

  In the last twenty four hours, he’d learned more about his boss than he had in the last year. Not everything they’d done made sense, but Cooper was starting to piece things together.

  Because Ryan’s lower lip wavered as the words left his mouth and Cooper recognized it for what it was. His tell. Sometime in the last day Cooper had started to see Ryan shift from the flawless liar he’d known to someone who more often than not was flying by the seat of his pants. He winged it, a lot. He was just really good at it.

  Cooper smiled and brought his hands back up to cup Ryan’s jaw. Ryan narrowed his eyes, fingers digging hard into his sides but Cooper didn’t care. He knew this wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

  Ryan was still touching him.

  “You remember the first case you ever put me on as your assistant?”

  Ryan’s stare went distant for a moment as he thought back.

  “Yes. Bale v New York. Big case, settled wacky. Details of the incident at the lab were all over the place. It was a nightmare.” Ryan refocused. “What does that have to do with anything right now? I’m trying to fire you.”

  “The first night—you had me stay late because the case was already shaping up to be a mess. You didn’t know what to think of me. You didn’t know what to ask for. Told me to take notes and follow you when I could have been pulling files or putting in requests for evidence from the precinct downtown. But you kept me with you. Had me follow you around like a puppy.”

  “A dog more like, as I’m remembering.”

  Cooper smoothed his thumbs over Ryan’s skin, marveling at the pleasure the simple touch brought him. Ryan’s skin was so soft, despite his terrible attitude most of the time. He’d half thought his boss to be made of stone this whole time. They could have been doing this a long time ago.

  “You could have several assistants,” Cooper went on. “But you only chose me. Chose to run me ragged every day for the last year. Why?”

  “I enjoy seeing you jump,” Ryan said. “Why else would I preoccupy myself with my assistant?”

  Ryan squinted at him, and Cooper laughed. Ryan’s nails dug in harder in some sort of retaliation, but Cooper just moved his hands into his curls, kneading his scalp until the scowl disappeared entirely.

  “Stop that,” Ryan ordered weakly.

  “You’re being an asshole.”

  Ryan frowned but said nothing.

  “I think you like me. Have liked me for a long time,” Cooper told him. Ryan didn’t deny it. “And though you’re an insufferable, terrorizing creature fueled by caffeine and days-old takeout, I think I’ve probably liked you for a long time too.”

  Ryan’s painful digging soft
ened at his words, his hands sliding away to rest at his hips, flat and gentle.

  “Probably?” he asked.

  Cooper shrugged. “May might have been on to something when she pointed out how much I complain about you.”

  Ryan shook his head, the movement rolling with Cooper’s hands as he smoothed the black hair back over his shoulders to expose the length of his throat. Cooper could see the beat of his pulse as he straightened under his hands, flaunting the pride he carried. At being caught in his lie, or caught by the truth, Cooper wasn’t sure. He wondered if Ryan would allow him to touch. He did exactly that. Felt Ryan squeeze at his sides.

  “You have terrible taste in men, Cooper,” Ryan breathed through parted lips. Cooper wanted so badly to kiss him.

  Cooper smiled even though Ryan couldn’t see it. “I’ll blame it on the mold you’ve been inhaling for the past nine years.”

  That finally drew a light laugh from Ryan. He blinked his eyes open and stared at the breadth of Cooper’s smile.

  Ryan leaned forward this time. Cooper smiled into the kiss.

  “You know this changes things.”

  Cooper shrugged. Ryan’s hands slid down to hold his hips. “What exactly?”

  “You’re forgetting the voicemail you left me. I was surprised,” Ryan said. The mood sobered. “A mistake, you said.”

  Cooper pulled his ear lightly and sighed heavily. Ryan hardly reacted. For once he seemed completely open, wanting a simple answer.

  “I also said to forget we ever kissed,” Cooper reminded him. Ryan winced. “I was wrong. Lying to myself. Joseph had me upset—never mind that. It was a stupid thing to say. But I told you I meant it when I asked you to stay.”

  “Stay for the holidays, yes. I get that.”

  Cooper felt Ryan’s hands drop. He started pulling away and Cooper could feel himself losing a battle he didn’t know he’d been fighting. He didn’t realize how much he wanted to win in that moment.

  Maybe he’d read the situation wrong.

  “Ryan, stop this—”

  “I don’t know what you want, Cooper.”

  “I want to date you, Ryan!”

  Ryan went still in his arms. Cooper grasped his neck, and Ryan looked so wrecked for a moment. All he wanted to do was sweep Ryan away and do…a lot. A lot of things. Things he wasn’t mentally ready to acknowledge. Even after everything. He just needed Ryan to know. To understand what he was feeling—had been feeling since they’d dug this hole together.

  Cooper took a steadying breath.

  “I want to date you,” he repeated.

  Ryan eyed him. “No, you don’t.”

  “Why not?”

  His expression darkened. “You don’t want me to answer that, Cooper.”

  “Why don’t you quit telling me what I don’t want, and answer me?”

  “You don’t know what you’re asking,” Ryan said quietly, voice so low it was almost hard to hear him.

  “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know the answer.” Cooper swallowed hard, felt his eyes begin to prick with tears. He wasn’t usually an easy crier. But the holiday had him feeling unsteady. He felt on the edge of something great, something fantastic. Something terrifying and dangerous. “Please.”

  Ryan’s eyes moved between his, a flicker. Then something like resolve settled in his expression.

  “You should leave, Cooper.”

  “Ryan—”

  Ryan placed his hands on Cooper’s chest and pushed gently. Cooper let him go, but didn’t move far. Ryan crossed his arms and wouldn’t look at him, just trained his stare at the floor.

  “You’re not fired. Don’t worry. We’ll carry on as we always have, hold hands for Gloria, do the Alaska trip.” Ryan’s throat worked and he nodded, agreeing with himself. “We’ll do Alaska and when we get back, I’m sure it’ll be more than enough for Gloria to know our plans, as they are. I’ll be released from the boundaries of Paul’s will, and you’ll get your corner office and fancy little name plaque. You’ll be placed on salary. You’ll have your own clients. Then you’ll be free to have almost nothing to do with me. Just like you wanted at the start of all this.”

  “Ryan—”

  “You should go.”

  “What if I don’t?” Cooper challenged and Ryan smiled wryly. “What if I stay, and we talk about this like adults?”

  Ryan sighed again. “If you stay, we won’t be talking. And this will be a lot harder to do in the morning. It’s easier if you leave now. Before I know what you feel…” he cut himself off. “Before this goes any further than I feel comfortable with.”

  Cooper frowned, feeling his stomach do a flip in spite of the stakes of the conversation. “I’ve never known you to do things the easy way. Or make things comfortable.”

  That finally got Ryan to meet his eyes again. He was angry.

  “Then you don’t really know me at all, do you?”

  “I’m trying to!” Cooper said, voice raising despite himself. Ryan’s brow lowered into a flat line. “That’s usually what dating entails!”

  “You really are pathetic when you beg, you know.”

  Cooper felt his jaw twitch. “It’s not begging. It’s pointing out what we both want.”

  Ryan nodded. He eased off the wall where he’d been leaning and brushed past Cooper. He headed for the door, and Cooper followed him because he was helpless to do anything else. How did he get like this?

  Ryan flipped the lock and opened the front door.

  “I’ll see you on Monday, Cooper.”

  Cooper could leave. Or he could stay. Or try to, at least.

  Ryan’s eyes were trained steady out the door on the opposite facing wall. There was a crack that ran down the drywall, with a gap large enough cause to worry about rodents getting through. His knuckles were white where he squeezed the doorknob. His other hand rested in a tight fist at his side. Cooper saw his throat bob and wondered how much this was hurting Ryan too.

  He wanted to stay. He did.

  But, if he fought to stay, he knew he’d lose his chance forever.

  This wasn’t over.

  When he stepped past the threshold, Ryan’s voice stopped him.

  “You know, I’ve never had someone so invested in their own lie. It’s charming, really.” Cooper turned and Ryan was just staring through him. He looked gutted, defeated. “Usually it takes guys a few weeks at most for them to remember themselves. Remember who I am.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I didn’t want you to know about the will. But then you did. Couldn’t be helped, really. It’s my own fault, asking you along all the time. I thought you’d be different. Somehow.”

  “Ryan,” Cooper said. “What are you talking about? I’m not lying—”

  Ryan hummed. “Even now. Look at you. Believing the lie you crafted. You learned that from me too, I suppose. It’s always the will they want. The money, the luxuriant lifestyle, the alcohol, the parties, that vastly overrated deluxe life of a lawyer. The corner office and salary.” His lips thinned as he pulled and bit them. Then, “All a lie. Boring and shit work most of the time, right?”

  “I—”

  “It’s never just me,” Ryan finally said. “My apartment isn’t enough. The money caught up in the will isn’t enough. The second my boyfr—the second the people I’m with find out the truth, it falls apart.” He ran a hand through his hair, sounding tired. “I’m not enough.”

  Cooper stood, stunned. That wasn’t true at all.

  Ryan shook himself and started to close the door.

  “See you tomorrow, Cooper.”

  The door shut and Cooper was alone.

  “You look like shit,” May told him plainly the next morning.

  “You can’t even see me. We’re not face-timing right now.”

  Cooper combed his fingers through his hair, scratching and rubbing at the base of his skull to dissuade an oncoming headache. He hadn’t slept more than a couple hours, constantly thinking about Ryan. Ab
out how he fucked up. About how he suddenly cared enough about Ryan to care that he fucked up in the first place. That he cared enough about him that he’d made something to fuck up.

  He breathed and heard May laugh raspy.

  “You sound like shit. That usually means you look it too. What’s wrong?”

  Cooper almost said Ryan, but stopped himself. It wouldn’t do to have her believing there were problems.

  “Nothing,” he said. “I’ll see you later.”

  May mhmm’d at him and he hung up.

  Then he swallowed down the rest of his breakfast and got ready for work.

  He grabbed two coffees, same as every morning. Headed to Ryan’s office, same as always. Didn’t have to debate knocking because the door was open.

  Ryan didn’t look at him when he set the coffees down. He was texting—or pretending to. His thumbs weren’t moving, and his eyes were still.

  “You—” Cooper started, but Ryan cut him off.

  “We have a meeting with Gloria.”

  He stood and left his phone on his desk. Smoothed down his suit jacket and itched at his nose before striding past Cooper without so much as glancing his way.

  Cooper huffed and trailed after him.

  In the elevator, Cooper felt anxiety creep up inside him, making him sweat. Beside him, Ryan was all poise as ever. He wanted to ask how if the Carlson case had any updates, but he just couldn’t find the words.

  Ryan hit a button and the elevator slowed to a standstill. Cooper wondered if he was about to be thrown down the shaft, then immediately wondered if Ryan would be able to wrench the doors open to do it.

  Ryan turned to him with such resolve in his eyes then, Cooper decided he could.

  But all he did was reach into his pocket and withdraw his fist. He held it out, just staring at him.

  “What is that?”

  Ryan rolled his eyes. He jerked his fist forward.

  “Gloria will want to see proof.”

  Cooper nodded, feeling numb as he held out his hand palm up only to have a silver band dropped into it. He stared at it. Stared and stared and stared.

  “You’re supposed to put it on, idiot,” Ryan said, voice low. He reached out snatched it, only to take Cooper’s hand in his and wrangle it onto his ring finger. He spent a moment massaging the joints of his fingers before retreating from touching Cooper altogether.