Detours and Dead Ends

by Janine Infante Bosco

  For a moment, I thought about delivering a witty comeback and almost told her I was changing my profession. Fuck being a biker, gynecology was where it was at. Deciding she probably wouldn’t find me amusing, I covered my tracks by telling her I took a wrong turn. She wasn’t buying my bullshit, and I was desperate for her not to find out the real reason I was there, figuring it would only upset her. I might not know Lauren as well as I’d like, but it’s obvious she’s a very proud woman and handouts aren’t acceptable to her.

  I offered to walk her to her appointment and to my surprise she agreed.

  “How do you feel?” I asked as we walked down the corridor.

  “Pretty good, the baby kicks a lot now and keeps me up most of the night,” she reveals with a smile. “I keep thinking to myself I can’t wait for him or her to be here and then I stop myself because it’ll be over before I know it and then I’ll probably miss feeling her inside of me.”

  It still amazes me that her and Riggs decided not to find out the sex of the baby. If I was having a baby, I’d want to know if it was a boy or a girl, mainly so I could talk to him or her with certainty. I’d want to prepare and build that bond between father and son or father and daughter as early as possible.

  By the way, Lauren was talking, it sounds like she’s been bonding with a daughter.

  “You sound pretty confident it’s a girl,” I commented. “Do you have any names picked out?”

  “No names yet,” she admitted just as we reached the doctor’s office. She asked me to keep her company while she waited and while she checked in with the receptionist, I busied myself by burying my head in a parenting magazine.

  It was full of ads of all sorts of baby shit.

  Who the fuck knew a baby needed so many things and what the hell was a Diaper Genie?

  “Preparing yourself Uncle Bones?” she asked, plucking the magazine out of my hands as she took a seat next to me.

  “Uncle Bones,” I repeated. It’s funny, all this time I figured the baby would call me Uncle Eric. “I never thought I’d be anyone’s uncle. I’m an only child,” I reveal.

  “Is it okay then if Pea calls you Uncle Bones?”

  “It’s more than okay,” I assured her.

  It’s my honor.

  “So how is everyone else doing? You know, Jack, Pipe, and the rest of the crew?” she asked nonchalantly. “Any wild and crazy clubhouse parties?”

  Amused by her tactics, I played along.

  “You want to know how Jack and Pipe are?”

  When she didn’t reply, I called her out on her game by revealing the true answer she was searching for.

  “He’s miserable.”

  Instantly her eyes snapped to mine, and I continued, hoping I’d put a dent in the walls she had preserved around her heart when it came to Riggs. “He’s not staying at the clubhouse either, goes home every night to the apartment. Lauren, he thinks he’s protecting you and the baby. He thinks if stays away from you then no one will ever look to hurt you guys. Jack wanted to put a prospect on you until this club business blew over but that wasn’t enough for Riggs. He asked Anthony to watch out for you because he knows he’s your brother, that baby’s uncle, and he wouldn’t think twice about stepping in front of a bullet for you.”

  Truth be told, Anthony isn’t the only one who would step in front of a bullet for Lauren and Pea.

  I might not be blood, but they were my family just as much as Riggs was.

  They were all I had.

  “He should be the one protecting me,” she whispered. “I know he wouldn’t let anything happen to me or Pea. I know he wants to keep us safe, that he wanted to do the right thing, but he lost his way somewhere. He lost that self-confidence that he could do right by his family and instead he gave up on us. I saw past the club, I saw the man behind the patch and I wanted him so much more. It was beautiful to watch him go from a man with raw uncertainty of his ability to be a good dad to learning he wanted to be one, and he wouldn’t let his fear dictate the type of father he was going to be to Pea. He changed Bones, I saw it with my own eyes. He wanted Pea, but he gave up the minute things got messy, the minute life threw him a detour. I don’t know what’s going on with your club and I don’t care but I’m mad as hell he chose that club over us. He should have spat in the face of his enemy and fought ten times harder for what he was hanging on to but he didn’t. He gave up.”

  She was partially right, but I couldn’t admit that. The receptionist called her name before I could conjure up a response. As she started for the exam room, I called out to her.

  “Lauren, I know you’re mad and you have every right to be. I also know he probably doesn’t deserve it but I’m going to ask you anyway…”

  “Ask me what?”

  “Not to give up on him.”

  “Too late for that Bones,” she answered. “Do you see him here? Where his place is? No, you don’t. Look around the room, I’m the only one alone here.”

  I couldn’t argue with her. Instead, I sighed and watched her make her way towards the room. The receptionist turned around and smiled at me.

  “You too, Dad,” she encouraged.

  Instantly, I opened my mouth to correct her, but my gaze landed on Lauren and I spotted a flicker of hope. The poor girl hated going through this alone. I hesitated for a split second before accompanying her into the exam room, turning my head as Lauren took a seat on the table and lifted her shirt, exposing her belly.

  “Do you want kids, Bones?” she asked as I stared at the wall.

  The answer came as automatically as if she asked if I needed air to breathe and Joss’s face flashed before me as I replied.

  “Yeah, someday.”

  Before I could process my response or the fact I envisioned Jocelyn, Lauren’s doctor entered the room.

  “Dad couldn’t join us again?”

  “No, so Uncle… Eric is stepping in just for today,” I replied, turning to Lauren and offering her a wink.

  “Uncle Eric?” Lauren responded, lifting a curious eyebrow.

  “Figured it was better than explaining why the kid had an uncle named Bones,” I muttered under my breath.

  A moment later, the doctor squirted a gel-like substance over Lauren’s belly and my eyes darted towards the screen. Pea appeared, and immediately my heart swelled with pride.

  He was perfect and when his heartbeat filled the room it became so much more real… Riggs was going to be a dad.

  Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to be in his shoes. The startling realization had me struggling to keep my composure, and I was never more thankful for a doctor’s visit to be over.

  The doctor left us alone after handing a strip of sonogram images to Lauren.

  “Thanks for getting lost and sticking around with me. It was nice not to be alone, Eric,” Lauren mused as we exited the room. Nudging her shoulder with mine, I corrected her.

  “It’s Bones, and anything for Pea, even if it means giving up my real name.”

  Just then she tore off one of the images and handed it to me.

  “A gift from Pea, to say thank you,” she explained, offering me the photo.

  I took the grainy image and safely tucked it inside my leather vest before escorting her out of the building. Bidding her farewell, I took to my bike and let my mind wander. Of course, it wandered to Joss. I hadn’t spoken to her since the night we shared, and I still couldn’t shake her. Worse than that, seeing Pea and hearing his heartbeat, had me thinking about having a kid of my own and the only woman I could see myself having a child with, wanting a child with, was the woman I left sleeping in a hotel room.

  The woman I always thought of as a dead-end.

  What if I had been wrong this whole time?

  What if Joss was the detour all along?

  Sixteen

  After I left the hospital, I rode around Brooklyn aimlessly until I decided to visit my mother’s grave. I tried to think about the advice she would give me if she was still here. She would’ve
told me to go for it. She would’ve told me to stop living vicariously through Robert and find my own life. She would’ve told me to take the detour and fucking own it. Alright, maybe she wouldn’t have dropped the f-bomb, but you get my point.

  I left the cemetery and met with Riggs.

  It was his turn to babysit Blackie or maybe it was vice versa, I couldn’t be sure. They both looked like two fucking lost souls sitting at the bar, nursing their sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels. As I stared at them, I realized one thing… I didn’t want to be them.

  I didn’t want my life to pass me by.

  I didn’t want to lose.

  I wanted to fight for what I wanted.

  I wanted to win.

  And I wanted to live.

  Slapping the sonogram photo on top of the bar, I told Riggs I paid Lauren’s hospital bills and then I jetted out of there. I dragged my pipes to Connecticut and headed straight to Joss. By the time I found myself parked across the street from her house, it was early morning and I was questioning myself again.

  I didn’t know if she still lived with her parents.

  Hell, I didn’t even know if her parents still owned this house anymore.

  I didn’t have her number.

  I had nothing.

  Still, I stayed parked and when the sun came up, I found the courage to ring the bell. I barely made it across the street before the front door opened and Joss emerged, carrying an infant seat. The breath left my lungs as I watched her maneuver the seat into the back of an SUV. Once the baby was secured, she closed the door, and that’s when I noticed the man standing next to her, holding the driver’s door open. She leaned into him and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her lips to his cheek before she slipped inside the truck.

  My throat felt as if it was on fire and I forced myself to inhale a sharp breath as I walked back towards my bike.

  Joss was a mother.

  She had a family of her own.

  She wasn’t mine anymore.

  She truly was a dead-end.

  Seventeen

  I returned to Brooklyn the next day a loser. Well, that’s not right now, is it? In order to lose, there has to be a fight, and I didn’t fight for Joss—not even a little bit. I gave up on her, on us, on me. I let society dictate my worth and as a result; I lost my heart.

  Since Jack found Reina, he’s gone on about finding your heart, always encouraging us to build a life outside the club. According to him, a man is of no use to his brothers if he doesn’t have something else to live for, something that keeps him breathing and stops him from being reckless. He says, having heart is what keeps us in the game when the odds are stacked against us.

  I finally understand the concept.

  All this time, I’ve been looking down at Blackie. I’ve called him a junkie and silently labeled him a liability, when in fact, I’m not all that different from him. I may not have been married and I may not have resorted to drugs but, I lost a piece of me just like he did and when you can’t get that piece back, when you can’t fill that void, you spiral. You hurt yourself and you punish yourself.

  You become reckless.

  You forget to breathe, and you just act.

  You don’t give a fuck about consequences either.

  While I was having my heart broken, Blackie was bashing in the skull of some punk ass kid who tried to rape Jack’s daughter.

  Reckless.

  So, fucking reckless.

  Now, the guy is doing time in Rikers and if the kid dies, he’s looking at a murder charge. I don’t want that for myself. If I learn anything from losing Joss, I hope it’s that I’m good enough. I’m not the best—far from it—but, I got a heart to give.

  All I need is one more detour.

  “Yo,” Jack says, as I dismount from my bike. Walking towards him, I watch as he sifts through the mail. “We got a shipment coming in,” he tells me. “You’re back just in time to help make room for everything.”

  “Great,” I mutter. “I need a shower.”

  “This one is addressed to you,” he says, handing me an envelope.

  “Toss it,” I say. “It’s probably another bill collector trying to wipe me out.”

  Lifting his eyes to me, he raises an eyebrow.

  “You hurtin’ brother?”

  “Nah,” I say, patting him on the shoulder. “Appreciate the gesture.”

  “It’s not a gesture, Bones. You need something, you ask, and then you receive. That’s how this works.”

  “How what works?”

  “You’re property of Parrish,” he says pointedly. “That means you’re taken care of. It means your burdens are my burdens and mine are yours. You bleed, I bleed. I reap, you reap.”

  “You’re not that bad, Parrish,” I tell him with a quirk of my lips. “A colorful motherfucker but you got a big heart.”

  “You make me sound like a pussy.”

  “Nah,” I laugh. “Own that shit, Parrish. You’re all aces.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be okay,” I say, glancing at the envelope he’s still extending to me. Noticing the address is handwritten, I curiously take the envelope, turning it over to see if there is a return address. Rolling thunder sounds, causing me to lift my head as Riggs and Wolf come through the gates and park their bikes.

  “Oh, look, your better half is home too,” Jack quips.

  “Well it’s about time you two bitches came home,” Pipe calls, waving me over, he starts towards Riggs and Wolf. “Just in the nick of time too, you can help unload the trucks.”

  “What trucks?” Wolf asks.

  “While you two were off riding the wind, I got a maintenance job, restoring all the Atlantic Express tour buses,” he announces. “The yard is full of buses and I had no room for the parts I had to order so I had them shipped here,” he adds, glancing down at his watch. “They should’ve been here already.”

  “I need a shower before I do anything,” Riggs says, removing his helmet.

  “Showers going to have to wait,” Pipe rebuts, tipping his chin across the lot to where Lauren is parked in her mother’s car.

  A smile spreads across my face as I watch my brother from another mother try to hide the elation from his face.

  “She been here long?” he asks nonchalantly.

  “About ten minutes or so,” Pipe replies. “Asked her if she wanted to come in, but she said she’d wait out here for you.”

  “She alone?”

  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

  Go to her.

  Take the fucking detour.

  Own it.

  “Afraid mommy dearest is with her? Relax, Riggs, she’s all by her lonesome,” Pipe says.

  As a prospect alerts us, the shipment has arrived, Riggs slaps Pipe’s back and stares across the lot at Lauren.

  “Looks like your shipment is here. You guys can handle this can’t you?” he questions.

  “Fuck you,” Pipe grunts, turning to Wolf. “And where do you think you’re going?”

  “To take a fucking piss. Your goddamn parts can wait, my dick can’t,” Wolf snickers.

  The two originals continue to bicker as I watch Lauren and Riggs make their way towards one another. It’s there, in the middle of the Satan’s Knights compound, with my best friend reuniting with his girl, that I decide, that’s what life is all about.

  It’s not about the journey or which path you take, it’s about where you wind up in the end.

  Turning towards the compound, I remember the envelope in my hand. Glancing at it one more time, I start to open it as Pipe starts to shout at the trucker.

  “What the fuck, are you assholes deaf? Park the fucking truck over here,” he shouts. “Shit! Get down.”

  At the desperate order, I spin around and the envelope falls from my fingers. The back door of the truck lifts and the Red Dragons appear, firing machine guns. Instinctively, my eyes dart across the lot and I hear Riggs screaming for Lauren to get down.

  I don’t think.


  I just act.

  Running recklessly into the line of fire, I scream as a bullet flies through the air and hits Lauren.

  “NO! NO! NO!” Riggs screams over the blazing gunfire. “Lauren!”

  Drawing my gun from the waistband of my pants, I jump in front of Lauren as another bullet starts for her.

  And another.

  My gun hits the asphalt as the led hits me.

  Once.

  Twice.

  My body lurches back.

  Fire spreads through me.

  My throat closes and my vision blurs.

  Riggs shouts in the distance.

  My body falls to the ground and I struggle to keep my eyes open as the blood pours from my bullet wounds.

  It’s the last ride.

  The final curve in the road.

  There is no detour waiting around the bend.

  It’s just another dead-end.

  The End

  Epilogue

  Dear Eric,

  I don’t know where to begin. I’ve tried to write this letter for over a year and every time I pick up a pen, I stare at the sheet of paper and cry. I never thought we’d end up like this. As many times as you’ve come and gone in my life, I always held out hope. I thought fate had a bigger plan, and I just needed to be patient.

  Seeing you in New York, sharing dinner with you and spending the night together was and always will be the greatest night of my life. It broke my heart that you left me alone in that hotel room and for a short while I thought I would never forgive you.

  I wanted to hate you.

  I wanted to forget you.

  But I soon found out I never could.

  I’m writing you this letter because I’m not sure why you left me. Was I just another notch in your belt? I guess it doesn’t matter. The point is, you left me to believe you wanted nothing to do with me and that’s fine. I’ve learned to accept you and I aren’t written in the stars.

  Still, I thought you should know there was a reason we bumped into one another that night. Fate did have a plan for us after all. It may not have been the one I hoped for but it’s better than anything I could’ve wished for.