Uniting the Souls

by Annabella Michaels

  “Come on, let’s go see what’s going on with our guy.”

  Hudson grabbed my hand and held it as he drove away from the center. My body flushed warm all over at the thought of Matt being our guy. I wanted both of them to be mine so badly and I wanted to be theirs. I just hoped Matt hadn’t already closed the door on the idea without giving us a proper chance.

  My head felt like it was about to split in two as I stepped in the shower. I stood there and let the hot water beat down on my shoulders, hoping it would relieve some of the knots that had formed there. I rarely drank, so to go off on a bender like I had was taking a serious toll on my body.

  I washed myself carefully, my movements slow so as not to upset my fragile stomach. I’d already spent the evening losing a lot of the alcohol I’d consumed and while I doubted there was anything left, my stomach still cramped uneasily every now and then. It was stupid to drink that much, I knew that, but it had started as something to help take the edge off and quickly escalated into the need to feel completely numb.

  Isaac and I had held hands as we shared a cab ride home from Hudson’s place and I gave him a quick kiss before he climbed out of the car and walked up the steps to his apartment. I’d had an amazing night with the two men and I’d been surprised at how natural it seemed to be, having sex with both of them at the same time. I’d expected it to be a little awkward at first as we figured out who would do what, while making sure everyone was included. Instead, we’d moved together as if we’d done it a thousand times before, while at the same time exploring and learning each other’s bodies.

  Isaac had been so open and honest, holding nothing back as he’d given himself to us for the first time. Hudson had taken control over my body, kissing and tasting me, silently begging for me to let go. I’d wanted to give myself over to him, to let him consume me until there was nothing left to do but feel the power of his body next to mine. I’d held back, not quite ready to take that leap, but Hudson had seemed satisfied with whatever I was willing to give.

  After Isaac had been dropped off, I’d sat in the darkened back seat of the cab, alone with my thoughts. I’d enjoyed myself and my body was already craving more of the two men. More than that, I genuinely liked spending time with them. They were funny and intelligent and I was happier just being around them. I smiled, thinking to myself that perhaps I could invite them over to my place for dinner one night, spend more time getting to know each other and maybe see where this thing would lead us.

  With that thought, guilt reared its ugly head and slammed into me with a viciousness I hadn’t been prepared for. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I struggled to catch my breath. The cabbie gave me a strange look as I tossed a wad of cash at him, but I ignored it and stumbled up the sidewalk and into my house.

  I slammed the door behind me and collapsed against it, sliding down until I was seated on the floor. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, resting my forehead against my knees. I was shaking all over and a cold sweat had broken out across my body. I closed my eyes and just focused on my breathing, wishing I could get back even a little bit of the happiness I’d felt before. It was no use, though.

  Eventually, I’d climbed to my feet and made my way to the kitchen, remembering that I had a couple bottles of whiskey in the pantry that someone had given me for Christmas the year before. I opened one quickly and took a drink, not even bothering to pour it in a glass. After all, it wasn’t like I had anyone to share it with. The thought made me laugh even though I had no idea why. The sound echoed in the empty kitchen, and I could hear the high-pitched hysteria in it.

  I took several more swallows, enjoying the smooth burn that traveled down my throat and the warmth that spread through my limbs. It wasn’t enough to ward off the cold that had settled into my bones though; that would’ve been too much to ask.

  Taking the bottle with me, I made my way down the hall to my room. I sat on the bed and set the bottle on the nightstand, then picked up the framed picture that I always kept beside me as I slept. My hands shook as I lifted it up to my face and for the first time ever, I found it difficult to look at the face staring back at me from beneath the glass.

  I’d been with other men before and never felt this level of guilt, so why was it so different this time? A small voice in the back of my mind whispered that it was because being with Hudson and Isaac had meant so much more than any of those other encounters.

  Tears filled my eyes, blurring my vision as I knew the voice was right. Even after just one night in their arms, I knew that there was more to the three of us than a simple fling. There were feelings there that I hadn’t even begun to explore. I hadn’t allowed myself to because of moments like this. Moments when the guilt loomed over me like a tidal wave about to crush the life right out of me.

  Rage boiled up inside of me and I swiped at my tears angrily. We’d had so many plans, made so many promises, but Sean hadn’t been able to hold up his end of them. None of our dreams had come true and I’d been left all by myself, trying to find a way to move forward when my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

  Would it be so wrong for me to move on? To find someone to share my life with so I wouldn’t have to be so lonely all the fucking time? I glared back down at the face in the photo and the anger drained out of me just as quickly as it’d come in. Neither one of us had wanted it to end, but sometimes the universe has other plans and one person moves on while the other is left behind. I just wished it didn’t have to hurt so badly.

  I swiped the bottle from the table and took another drink, then cradled it against my chest as I curled up on top of my comforter, wrapping myself into a ball. A part of me wanted to call Hudson and Isaac and beg them to come over. I knew that the two of them would be able to chase the darkness away, but the other part of me felt like that would mean I was moving on, forgetting, and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I swallowed another long drink and let the guilt and the sadness carry me away.

  Sunday had been much the same. I’d woken up in the clothes I’d come home in, the scent of Hudson and Isaac still lingering in the material and on my skin and I’d raced to the bathroom to throw up. I’d spent the rest of the day drinking, trying to forget everything that had happened between me, Isaac, and Hudson as well as pushing away painful memories of the past.

  I’d spent Sunday evening regretting my choice to drink and feeling sicker than I ever had in my entire life. It was noon by the time I woke up on Monday and I groaned as the light from the window hit my eyes, causing a sharp, stabbing pain to shoot through my skull. I knew I should call Allison and tell her I was taking the day off so she wouldn’t worry, but I needed aspirin and a shower first.

  I climbed out of the shower and dried myself off, running the towel over the wet curls on my head before wrapping it around my waist. I stood in front of the shower and grimaced at my reflection. My skin looked sallow and there were dark circles around my eyes. I reached for my toothbrush, desperately needing to rid myself of the vile flavor that the alcohol had left behind.

  Minty fresh and feeling halfway human again, I made my way to the bedroom and pulled on a comfy pair of sweats and an old T-shirt. I was just heading into the kitchen to make some toast when there was a knock on my door. I glanced at it in surprise. No one ever came to see me. I opened the door, expecting to have to get rid of a salesman, but my jaw dropped open when I saw Hudson and Isaac standing on my front porch instead.

  “What are you two doing here?” I asked.

  “We were worried when you didn’t show up for work. You never miss work. And you didn’t call anyone or pick up when I tried to call. Of course, the two of us are going to show up and make sure you’re alright,” Isaac nearly shouted. He’d pushed his way inside during his rant and I had no choice but to back up and let them in. I’d never seen him look that mad, but I could see how shaken he was and I immediately felt guilty for having scared him.

  “I’m sorry. It was selfish and thoug
htless not to call and let everyone know I was alright,” I admitted quietly.

  My eyes darted over to Hudson who’d been quiet so far and I found him staring at me. His head was tilted to the side and there was a look of deep concern on his face. I looked down at my feet, unable to hold his gaze. He was a perceptive man, he dug into people’s minds for a living and I was afraid he’d be able to see too much if I looked at him right then. I was vulnerable at the moment, the memories and emotions still too fresh, too close to the surface.

  “I’m just glad you’re okay. You are okay, aren’t you?” Isaac asked, running his eyes all over me to be sure. He looked worried as his gaze reached my face again and I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. I’m sure he was startled by my appearance and I was thankful that I had at least taken a shower and brushed my teeth, but there was no way of hiding my red-rimmed, puffy eyes.

  “Yes, of course. I’m fine,” I answered, making sure not to look at either of them directly, for fear they’d see I was lying. There wasn’t anything right about the way I’d reacted after sleeping with the two of them. The guilt and the loneliness had been going on for too long and it wasn’t healthy. I was aware of that, but I didn’t know how to stop it or make it go away.

  “I’m sorry. Would you like to come in and have a seat? Would either of you like anything to eat or drink?” I offered in a rush as a sudden bout of nerves coursed through me.

  Hudson stepped towards me and I felt myself tense, but then he reached out and ran his fingers along my cheek and up through my hair. The move was gentle and comforting and I felt myself instinctively leaning into his touch. I looked up into his soft brown eyes and could see the compassion there. I was sure then that he could sense the pain I was in, even though he didn’t know the cause.

  I swallowed hard. It would be so easy to just let go and open up to them, but I was worried that once they found out what a mess I was they’d decide I wasn’t worth the trouble. Hudson leaned down and brushed his lips over mine.

  “How long has it been since you’ve had anything to eat?” There was no judgement in Hudson’s voice, only concern, and I felt myself frowning as I struggled to recall the last meal I’d had. “That’s what I thought. Where’s your kitchen?” he asked.

  I pointed to the doorway behind me and then watched as Hudson brushed past me and walked right into my kitchen as if he’d been to my house a thousand times before. Isaac stepped up to me then and took my hands in his. My eyes darted to our hands and then to his face. His smile was gentle and reassuring and I was suddenly so grateful to have both of them there.

  I was embarrassed at the tears that filled my eyes, but I knew that they both had stopped what they were doing and left work in the middle of the day to come check on me. It had been so fucking long since anyone had cared about me. Sure, I had friends at the center who cared, but things with Hudson and Isaac were different and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it.

  Isaac’s eyes softened when he saw the well of emotion on my face and he leaned up on his toes and wrapped his arms around my neck. My hands went to his waist, instinctively, and a shiver raced down my spine as he whispered in my ear.

  “It’s okay. We’re here now and whatever is going on, it will be okay. You’re not alone.”

  Those last three words had my knees buckling beneath me and I felt Isaac’s arms tighten around me, lending me his strength. My arms wrapped around his waist and I buried my face into his neck as we held each other. There was no way he could possibly know how much I wanted that to be true. I was so tired of being alone.

  After a few moments, I pulled back and looked at him. His blue eyes stared back at me with so much adoration that I felt like a fool for having not noticed it before. I bent my head down, kissing him gently and smiled when I heard him sigh.

  “Come on, let’s go see what Hudson is up to in your kitchen,” Isaac said, grinning up at me. I smiled back at him because it was impossible not to and he grabbed my hand once again before pulling me towards the kitchen. As we walked in, Hudson shut the door of my refrigerator and turned to us with a frown.

  “I couldn’t find anything but frozen meals,” he said.

  “That’s what I eat most nights. Not much point in cooking when it’s just me,” I said with a shrug. Hudson’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t respond to that.

  “Okay, I’ll order something and have it delivered. What are you hungry for?” he asked.

  “My stomach’s not all that happy with me right now,” I said with a grimace. “I was just going to make some toast when you guys showed up.”

  “Copious amounts of alcohol will do that to you,” he said, arching an eyebrow at me. My eyes dropped to the floor. I was ashamed at my behavior, but it would be pointless to try and deny it. The look in his eyes told me he already knew.

  “You need grease to cure your hangover, plus lots of water because you’re probably dehydrated,” Hudson said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  He set to work ordering burgers and fries with chocolate shakes for each of us and Isaac went to my cabinets, opening each one until he found the glasses then he pulled one out and filled it with water from the sink. He handed me the glass and I sat down at the kitchen table to drink it. The two of them came over and sat down across from me.

  “We’re going to get you fed and feeling better and then we’re going to talk,” Hudson informed me in a voice that brooked no argument.

  I sagged in my chair as I felt the weight of everything I’d been holding in pressing down on me. The anger and hurt, the sadness and guilt from my past, along with my confusion over my feelings for the two men sitting there had suddenly become too much. Instead of getting defensive and arguing with him, I simply nodded. I wanted to share my story with them. I was ready.

  The conversation was kept light as we ate and I had a feeling they were doing it on purpose. I think they sensed that what I had to tell them was going to be difficult for me and so they were giving me a bit of a reprieve. I appreciated the gesture as it gave me time to figure out exactly what all I would tell them. In the end, I decided that I wouldn’t hold anything back. No matter how difficult it was to revisit the past, I owed it to them as well as myself to get it out in the open.

  Both my head and my stomach felt much better after the greasy meal and Isaac made sure to refill my water glass whenever he saw it empty. When we were finished, we moved into the living room where it was more comfortable. I sat down on the couch, leaving the two armchairs across from me for Hudson and Isaac. I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees as I tried to think of where to start.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Isaac asked and my head shot up in surprise. “I know I’m not as experienced as you two, and I know I probably messed things up, but is that why you stayed away?”

  “No, not at all,” I assured him. I hated the worried look on his face and I was horrified that he would think my staying away from work had anything to do with his sexual performance. “You were perfect, both of you were absolutely perfect…and that was part of the problem.” Both men wore matching confused expressions on their faces and I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

  “I was in love once. His name was Sean and we met when I was fifteen years old. My family had just moved because of my dad’s job and I was miserable and grouchy about having to leave my friends behind and start all over at a new high school. It was the beginning of summer break and I must’ve been getting on my mom’s nerves because she suggested that I go outside and take a walk or go for a bike ride. I don’t think she really cared as long as I got out of her hair for a while.” I chuckled at that, knowing what a pain I’d been to live with back then.

  “Anyway, I went outside and sat down on the back steps and began tossing my baseball up in the air.” I smiled as I let myself get lost in the memory.

  “Hey! You want to play catch?” A voice called out from nearby.

  I looked up and saw a pair of green eyes and a shock of red hair peering at me
from over the privacy fence that ran between ours and the neighbor’s property. I couldn’t see anything else because the rest of him was hidden behind the wooden slats, but I could tell he was young, probably around my age. I was bored and could use someone to toss back and forth with so I said sure.

  I unlocked the gate so he could come into our yard and then stood there stupidly as I stared at him. He was a little bit taller than me with a wiry frame. His skin was very pale and I wondered if it was because he was a redhead or if he just spent most of his time indoors. He looked like the type that probably spent a lot of time on a computer or playing video games.

  Then he smiled at me and my mouth went dry and my heart began to beat wildly in my chest. He was probably what most kids our age would consider a nerd or geek, but to me he was the most remarkable creature I’d ever seen.

  I’d started noticing boys when I was about twelve years old and I’d talked to my parents about it, wondering why all of my friends seemed to like girls and I didn’t. They asked me if I knew what being gay meant and I told them I’d heard it used before and I didn’t think it was a very good thing from what I’d heard.

  They’d frowned at each other and then explained to me the truth of what being gay meant and that there was nothing wrong with a person being whoever they were born to be. Because of my parents, I’d never given another thought to being gay and was just content with who I was.

  I stood there, trying to not make it obvious how attractive I thought he was, but he’d left me completely tongue tied so I looked at the ground instead. His hand shot out and he snatched the ball away from me. My head shot up and he winked at me as if he knew what I’d been thinking.