by Leigh Lennon
As he ran toward the swings, large arms encompassed me, and for a second, I was back to a time in my life when it would have been Bodhi, but this touch was so different yet wanted. It didn’t quite explain why I desired to have Bodhi’s arms wrapped around me, too, at the same time.
Jack’s breath was on my neck. “I think the Dino was a success.” His words were a whisper as he peppered kisses down my ear.
“Mommy,” he called, but it was Jack who approached him and both Bodhi and I hung back, watching what could be either an easy thing or an out-and-out meltdown. Which one it would be was a toss-up.
His little gray eyes turned to Jack and then back to me. I gave a little nod of encouragement, and he gave Jack a tight smile. “Otay, but Mommy needs be closa.” Both Bodhi and I stood five feet from our son where he could see us, and Jack stood behind him, pushing Declan as he held on tight to Dino.
“Good call on the Dino,” Bodhi mentioned casually.
“Yeah, it was all him. I had no idea. He’d walked past his room enough to see the Dino collection he has, so I guess he went with it.” I tried to keep it as casual as possible, but when I looked at him, he was stiff, his eyes turned away.
“Bo,” I began, affectionately stroking his arm. “You’ll always be his dad.”
His eyes remained downturned, but I knew there was more. “Bo, just tell me what you’re thinking.”
His gaze turned to me. “This is hard, C. And I know the bond Dec and I share is special, but it’s seeing you with him, not Dec. It’s the future I wanted with you and our boy and other children that’s hard to accept, though I’ve come to terms with it recently. I wanted it to be my arms pulling you tight to me just a minute ago.”
I stood speechless, though his words hit hard, especially with what had gone through my mind just minutes earlier. “Shit, Clara, this is not fair.” He stomped off before I could reply. I turned around, wiping a tear from my eye. I never wanted Jack to doubt how I felt for him because I loved him something fierce, too.
“You can’t buy him toys every time you see him.” I somewhat scolded Jack the next week when he arrived with some Matchbox cars and a foldable little road map to race the toys on.
“I can’t?” He was tapping his chin, being as adorable as ever as Declan tore into the cars, throwing cardboard everywhere.
“Declan, honey?” I began, and his sweet little face turned to Jack and me. “What do you say?”
He didn’t meet Jack in the eyes, which was not uncommon, but still said, “Thanks ewe.” And he was back to setting up his toys in his own ritualistic fashion.
I took a step or two back from my son, pulling Jack with me. “Do you see how he has the cars already in a line?”
With a nod, he was quietly fixated on Declan. “Okay, so he has it in the order of his favorite colors. Orange is always first, then green, purple, blue, red, and black. If you had gotten pink or brown, he would have set it aside on the couch and then later took it to his room, placing it in the bin he has strictly for pink things and one strictly for brown things.”
“So, what does he do with the colors he doesn’t like, other than put them in a bin?”
“He numbers them. Every time he gets a new one, he takes them all out and recounts them. Then he asks me to write the number on a sticky note and puts it in there with his new item.”
Jack’s smile reached his eyes. “He’s an awesome kid.” His arm stretched around my body, bringing me into him.
“Yeah, but you will be witness to meltdowns that make no sense. I hope you are ready.” My body winced at the idea of Jack not liking Declan because he was not the norm of kids.
“If you are worried he’s going to push me away, Clara Ashley, you have another thing coming.” He kissed me on the temple. “You and Bodhi are the best parents. I could only ever love a child that came from you.”
I stared at Declan as he placed his cars in a row, starting with orange first, and it popped in my head how I wanted a whole gaggle of kids with his father. It hurt as it’d done so many times before, but even as the feelings for Bodhi continued to surround me, I knew I could never give up the man who had me in his embrace.
“You know the rules, buddy.” He pushed his pieces of pork chops I cut for him to the side, folding his arms across his chest.
“I wan chickie nuggets,” Declan demanded.
My attention shot to Jack, who I believed would have popped up to make my son chicken nuggets had I not warned him that tonight would be a challenge at dinnertime. “Honey, can you give Declan and me a second?” Pushing to his feet, he dropped a kiss on the top of my head, then left through the doorway leading to the living room.
He did this with new guests. He tried to push to see if others would bend to his will. With my mother, it was fruitless to attempt to stand my ground. Every time he saw her, he knew she would make his favorite.
“Jack is not Nana, Declan, honey. He made pork chops and mashed potatoes and green beans. You like pork chops, buddy, and you know the rule. If you don’t eat half, you’ll go to bed without a nighttime snack and your nighttime show.”
The snack wasn’t the deal breaker, but Paw Patrol was. “Mommy, no fair.” He folded his hands over his chest.
I had his attention. “Yeah, buddy, this is very fair. Now, you can’t trick Jack into making your favorites, okay?”
His little pout always pulled at my heartstrings, not because I wanted to give in to him but for the reason of him being so freaking cute.
“Kay, Mommy.” His pout was still there, and I was about to call for Jack when he popped his head back in the kitchen.
“Safe to return?” His tone was sweet, and as he casually passed by Declan, he tussled my son’s hair, and surprisingly, this made my son laugh. I didn’t have this crazy hope that every day with Jack and Declan would be that easy, but I was happy that our first day together with just the three of us was memorably happy.
15
Bodhi
The new arrangement with Declan immersed with Jack as a part of Clara’s life was a good fit. Dec talked about Jack all the time, and I meant all the fucking time. In trying to bond with the son of the woman I had no doubt he loved, just not as much as I loved her, he’d found something they could connect over. It was racing cars around the felt-like racetrack. Declan always won with his orange car. I’d asked him how many pink cars he’d collected, and he gave me the exact number, which no doubt was correct.
After a month, Jack was staying at Clara’s one to two days when she had our son. It hurt like a son of a bitch. The first time I picked him up from Clara’s, and he’d given Jack a hug, I hadn’t waited for Clara to come to the door, exaggerating we were running late for dinner with my parents. It wasn’t the entire truth. We had a couple of hours to kill, but I didn’t want to see her sling her arms around Jack’s body. I knew she didn’t do this to upset me, but it still did the same.
The worst part was how my body craved to see, not only Clara, though I was accepting that ship had sailed, but Jack, too. The day we were alone in his apartment several weeks ago, I could almost smell his feral desire. This wasn’t just on me; he had the same reaction when I was near.
But Declan was happy, and with all I’d learned about Jack in the past several months of him being involved in Clara’s life, he was a good man. As far as someone watching over my son, I knew Clara could’ve done a lot worse.
Today, I was reminded of so much about my past, the day I had become a father. I loved Declan’s birthday because it was a reminder of all that was good in my life, but it also gave me time to recap how my life took a drastic turn. We wouldn’t be celebrating Dec’s birthday in our house together as a family. I had Declan’s birthday present tucked under my hand as I made my way to Clara’s apartment. We’d agreed with the divorce, that whoever’s day it was on his birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, we’d open our home to the other. More so, I’d be celebrating the day with both Clara and her new boyfriend, who’d made quite the impa
ct on Dec.
He’d talked about Jack building dinosaurs with him or how they’d color together. When I’d asked him if Jack played Legos, he melted my jealous heart with his reply, “No, Dadda, you n me, r ting.” It was then, with Declan’s understanding at almost four, I realized he’d always see me as his dad.
But it didn’t help the jealousy I’d felt all day. My mind was on my boy and him alone, and when I stepped off the elevator, I wanted to do anything but be with Clara and Jack tonight. With a little knock, I heard Declan cry out, “Ita Dadda. I gets.” The lock turned, and the door opened. He catapulted himself at me and behind him, I saw the beautiful smile of Jack. I still didn’t want to see them together, but there was no denying the man was beautiful.
“Hey, Dadda.” Dec’s gray eyes were so alluring and so much like his mommy.
“Hey, buddy.” His eyes were glued to the present in my hand.
“What’s dat, Dadda?” he asked, pointing at the present.
I set him down, taking the present from under my arm. “This?”
He pointed at it, nodding his head, the Batman paper being the dead giveaway. But I began to tease him. “Oh, I brought this for Jack. I heard it was his birthday.”
His hands landed on his hips. “Oh, Dadda, use funny. It me befvay.” Jack reached for the present, giving me a little wink. It was a beautiful wink.
“Ah, well, thank you very much, Bodhi. I’m sure this is what I’ve always wanted.”
Declan stomped his foot. “Nots funny.” The smile on his face told me he knew this was a joke.
“I know, son.” I patted him on the head, and peering down the hallway, leading into the den, I averted my gaze to Jack. “Where’s Clara?” I asked. I hadn’t gotten over getting that one little peek in every time I was able to take in her sparkling gray eyes or the way her pink locks fell below her shoulders.
“Clara had to run down and get candles.” He lifted his hands as if he expected a fight for going against my rule about him being left with Declan. “I was going to go, but Declan wanted Clara to pick the candles. He said I couldn’t do it.” He shrugged his shoulders, turning to Declan. “Hey, buddy, can you give me a moment with your daddy, please?”
“I goes watch Paw Patrol.” I heard it echoing down the hallway, and it was my turn to cut him off as he was about to speak.
“It’s fine, Jack. I mean, I think you’re a good guy.” I left it at that, walking toward the sound of Marshall and Chase from Dec’s favorite show.
“Uh, wait, Bodhi, I wanted to chat with you for a moment.” He grabbed my arm, and the electricity was palpable.
“I thought this was about the issue with you being left alone with Dec?”
He shook his head, scrubbing his clean-shaven jaw. It was five at night, and it looked as if he had just groomed himself, which was possible since he smelled amazing. “We need to address the elephant in the room?” he began, and the only elephant was the connection we shared, but we certainly wouldn’t be talking about it.
“What elephant?” I asked, genuinely curious.
He pointed at me and then back at himself. “You and me. It’s obvious we’re attracted to one another.”
Okay, I was wrong. We would be talking about this. It was then, I looked anywhere and everywhere but in his direction.
“Look,” he began, touching me again. “I know this is uncomfortable, but nothing is going to come between Clara and me.”
“And what do we do? Talk about it, then all three of us hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’?”
A small smirk peeked out from his serious expression. “Now, you’re funny.” He looked away from my gaze. “What I’m saying is, I’m not one to sweep it under the rug and just ignore it, in the hopes it goes away.”
“Great, glad to know where we stand.” I was done with the conversation, so I walked away. Making my way into the living room to spend time with my son on his birthday, I ignored what Jack had confirmed—he felt the same chemistry I had.
As I fell back on the couch, Declan sat close to me, not quite touching but just enough that we were in each other’s space. Ryder was calling for all his pups; an emergency job in their small little town that only dogs can complete. Sometimes, I wished my life was that simple. Of course, then it would mean I’d live in a world with talking dogs, and in my thoughts, warding off anything in regard to Jack, I’d blocked out everything around me.
“Bodhi, hello. Earth to Bodhi Chambers.” I swept my gaze around to the grayish-pink locks of Clara’s. “What has you in such deep thought?”
I laughed and couldn’t help it because my mind was all over the place. “Um, nothing really.”
My eyes caught hers, and she was beautiful in a pair of jeans that enhanced all her curves, and a low-cut black T-shirt. I wanted to see more of her chest. Fuck, how I missed her chest.
“Come on then, let’s get this party started.” I stood, Declan running with Clara, and as I started behind them, I ran smack dab into Jack.
“Sorry.” He got his apology out before I could, and in the lock of our gaze, there was heat in his eyes; he didn’t even try to hide it, and since we were both being honest, I didn’t hide mine either.
“Dadda, no!” Declan was clinging to my leg. He’d never done this before when I left him. “It me burfvay. Use stay. Pleez!”
Clara attempted to pull him from me. “Dadda, no!” Clara changed her strategy, kneeling at his eye sight.
“I have an idea, buddy, but you have to stop yelling.”
His eyes shifted up to mine as huge alligator tears fell down his fat cheeks. “Oday, Momma.”
She turned her gaze to me with a little wink and then looked back at Declan. “How about Dadda stays until you fall asleep?” she suggested.
His bottom lip was pushed farther out than the top one. “Dadda stay night.”
I wasn’t aware we were dealing with a little lawyer in Declan. “Jack must be wearing off on him,” I teased.
“Honey, Dadda can’t?” But she said it like a question.
I’d rather do anything, maybe get run over by a car, than stay the night with Jack and Clara. “It’s okay,” she mouthed out of the line of sight of our son.
I kneeled, and this time, his large gray eyes like his mother’s pleaded with me. “How much do you want me to say the night, bud?”
He spread his arms out as wide as he could. “Dis mut, Dadda.” He collapsed into my arms. I guess I had my answer.
I stayed with Declan until bedtime, when Clara came in to stop the building of his new Lego set I got for him here, but also bought for my home, too.
“Night, buddy.” I tucked him into his bed, then followed Clara out of the room and into the den. Jack was reading a book in fucking glasses—sexy as fuck glasses, to be exact.
“Clara, I can go home and get up early. That way it’s not so…” What could I say? The first word was weird, but I didn’t want to be disrespectful to either one of them.
“It’s fine, Bo. If he wakes up, I’ll never calm him down.” She stood, pulling Jack with her. “I’m done for the day, but I’ve just put clean sheets on the bed.”
A smile pulled at my mouth. “You still do that, don’t you? With your need to tell your guest that they are sleeping on clean sheets.”
Jack’s eyes meet mine. “Really, why?” he asked Clara.
“I don’t know.”
“I call bullshit on your answer, Clara Ashley. It’s probably because it’ll make you sound a little neurotic,” I started.
I began to explain, turning toward Jack. “It always would give her the heebie-jeebies, or so she’d claim, to sleep at someone’s house and not know how many others had slept on the sheets before her. One time, we were at my childhood best friend’s house, and let’s just say, he and his wife didn’t have high standards of cleanliness. Clara would not go to sleep until after they were in bed. She tiptoed to their linen closet and grab what she hoped were clean sheets.”
“You didn’t?” he asked, amu
sed by me tattling on his girlfriend. I hated using this title in my mind. “What did you do with the dirty sheets? Certainly, they would have noticed.” He pulled Clara into his side, and they were just too comfortable with each other. Part of it hurt like hell, but the other part was happy for the girl I still loved.
She hid her face in his arm, not willing to tell the rest. “Actually,” I began, “they wouldn’t have noticed. Clara shoved them under the bed, and the next time we visited, she checked and they were still under there.”
“You stayed there again?”
It was Clara’s turn to laugh. “Actually, we stayed in a hotel that time, telling them I was allergic to dogs, which I’m not.”
“Then how did you know the sheets were still under there?” Jack questioned, cocking his head to the side.
“I snuck in to check. We had an ongoing bet,” Clara admitted. Moving my head down, I peeked my eyes up, just enough to see his reaction.
“That’s funny and explains a lot.” He turned, waving at me. “See you in the morning.” His attention was back on Clara. “Let’s get to bed, hon. You look dead on your feet.”
Clara turned her head to the side. “Night, Bo.” She waved, and it felt odd, going to bed in the same house as my ex, who’d be sleeping with another man, but I didn’t just want Clara. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I could imagine bending Clara over and entering her from behind, but in my mind, Jack would be watching us. What was wrong with me?
16
Jack
Clara and I took turns in the bathroom, not speaking. I’d seen it before, but tonight it was as obvious as the birthday candles on Declan’s cake—these two still shared a deep love. It meant the beginning of a conversation we’d need to have but not tonight and not with Bodhi in the spare room. And as much as I needed to delve into her feelings for Bodhi, I also had to admit my own. But again, it would be done on a night when we were alone.