by Leigh Lennon
“Hey, babe?” she asked when I appeared from the bathroom. I turned on the light on the nightstand at my side of the bed after I took off my prosthetic.
“Yeah, foxy?” I asked, pulling her sexiness toward me. I didn’t know what she would think of us fucking tonight with Bodhi in the other room, but I needed her. It wasn’t just because of Bodhi—my body was always needy when Clara was near me.
“What did I walk in on with you and Bodhi?” she asked, and my body went limp.
I’d never lie to her, this I promised when she opened up to me about her divorce. “It was something I’d planned to talk to you about when Bodhi and Declan were not in the house.”
She arched one eyebrow higher. “Okay, now I’m more intrigued.”
“I know, but I don’t want to discuss it when he’s here,” I insisted.
Her amusement turned to a storm, her gray eyes like the thunder clouds Chicago was known for. “Sorry, this is not good enough for me.” She stopped, pushing herself up with her hands while never breaking eye contact. “Fuck, you’re attracted to him, aren’t you?” I didn’t look away nor did I confirm her suspicions. And in doing so was an answer in and of itself.
“And he’s attracted to you.” This time, she grabbed her pillow and threw it my way. I stayed still. And this was the whole reason I wanted to wait. I knew there would be throwing, yelling, and a fuck ton of assumptions.
“Clara, honey…”
“Don’t you fucking honey me. Get out, I want you out.” Rolling out of bed, I grabbed my prosthetic and latched it back on, but I stayed on the opposite side of Clara.
“You want me to go home at this hour, Clara, honestly?”
All I’d wanted to do was reassure her I was in control of my actions. “I don’t care. Go sleep in the guest room with the man who hurt me so much. He apparently still gets off on heaping pain on me. You two can fuck and get it out of your system.”
I knew she’d be upset, but I was not going to let her make assumptions of my intentions. Taking my pillow with me, I stood, unsure what to say. She continued to stare, keeping her lips tight.
“I’ll sleep on the couch tonight. But I have a couple of things to say before I go.” She neither acknowledged me nor spoke. “Remember when I told you I didn’t have to be with a man or woman; it was the person I fell in love with. I love you. And to be quite honest, even if I was heterosexual, you’d have to trust me that if a beautiful woman gained my attention on a physical basis, I’d stay true to the commitment I have with you. It’s the same thing. I won’t deny a physical attraction to Bodhi, but that doesn’t mean I’ll act on it.”
When her eyes softened just enough, I knew my words were starting to penetrate the tough exterior of my girl. “I’m sorry, foxy. It sucks it’s with the one person who hurt you. But he had a choice and he chose to cheat, but I’m not. I’m committed to you. I love you.”
Her body softened a little bit more, but I was not done. If we were going to do this, we’d have the entire conversation, and the softness she’d shown was about to be undone with my own challenge.
“But just as I’ll admit to the physical connection with Bodhi, don’t act as if this is one way. I’m not saying this in a let’s get even kind of way. I watched you tonight. I’m very good at reading people, and you’re still in love with him. And I’m not talking about a love you share with the man because you two have a child.” Her eyes widened, but she stayed quiet. “You look at me the same way. I’m not jealous or upset, but as we get more serious, this has to be dealt with. I can accept you will always love him, but you need to accept you still love him, too.”
As predicted, her body tightened, and her jaw was locked. “And what are you saying, Jack? You want us to be what—a committed triad? Like you had before?”
Giving myself enough time to phrase my words right, I worked my neck to one side, and then the other, trying to give my tense muscles some relief. “No, Clara, I could never entertain it because like any relationship, you’d have to trust both of us in a triad, and it’s apparent you don’t trust Bodhi.” She physically jerked at what I’d said. “To be able to move on with us, you have to forgive him and accept how you feel, or we won’t be able to build a future together.”
With my pillow in my hand, I headed to the door, then stopped and turned around. “I love you, Clara, and this is a minor setback for us. I refuse to think of it as anything else. Couples fight, but couples have to sit down and talk about the hard stuff. You never did it with Bodhi. I never did this with Cami and Dane. And see where it got us. I refuse to let miscommunication be the reason for the demise of another relationship where I love a person as deeply as I love you.” I waited for a couple of beats for her to stop me. The tears started to flow down her face, and I wanted to turn around and comfort her. When she didn’t stop me again, it was her way of telling me she needed space and time. I’d give it to her tonight, but we’d be dissecting it to exhaustion tomorrow. It was what you did when you loved somebody.
A couple of hours ticked by, and I couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position on the couch. It wasn’t the couch itself causing me the lack of sleep, but the conversation Clara and I had that made her kick me out.
It was pitch black outside, with the shades drawn to the bright lights of Chicago, and I’d been on the verge of sleep when the lights turned on as if by magic, and Bodhi was standing over me. “Ah, fuck, man. I’m sorry. I’d assumed you both were asleep.”
Twisting my body just right, I pushed up to a sitting position, all while keeping the blanket on me. I was in my boxers and wouldn’t appreciate Clara walking in on me with Bodhi. He was shirtless in his jeans. I’d taken my prosthetic off, and I didn’t want to talk about my missing leg.
“Oh, no problem. Not like I can sleep,” I casually returned.
“So, want to talk about it?” he asked, throwing himself back on the smaller part of the sectional.
“Not particularly.” My reply was dry and final.
“Did it have anything to do with me? Or the conversation from earlier?” he asked.
I didn’t answer him as we sat in silence. When it got too uncomfortable, he stood for what I assumed would be the more cozy bed in the guest room. He returned with a beer for him and me, and he jested, “Thought you needed something stronger, and sure as fuck, I need one, too.”
He was funny, and he sat back on the loveseat and turned on the television. He surfed the channels so quickly, I couldn’t make out anything. He decided on a reality show about celebrities reciting history while they were drunk, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. By the time I knew it, we’d binged ten episodes, and it was five in the morning.
“Ah, shit, I guess I’m going to be taking a nap tomorrow.” It was a casual conversation, and I didn’t reply until it turned to a more serious topic. “You know, the last thing I want is to cause Clara more pain. I’ll always love her.”
“It’s quite apparent, and it’s a conversation you both need to have.”
“I’ll pass.” He took a long swig of his beer.
Pulling my body toward him, I sat up as straight as my forty-three-year-old body could get. My tone would come out harsh, but I didn’t fucking care. “Well, not to sound like an asshole, but you’re in this mess because you wouldn’t have the tough conversations. And Clara can’t move on and fully trust again until you two hash this out.”
Scrubbing his hands together, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Okay, so this makes me assume your little fight was about me and what we had talked about earlier.”
I nodded my head at him. “I’d planned on talking to her, but I just wanted more privacy to really hash it out, so this wouldn’t happen.” I pointed at the mock bed of the couch.
“And you told her I, too, shared this connection with you.” His lips were pursed, and his hands were fisted as he shifted his body closer to the end of the couch.
“With my attraction toward you, she ass
umed it was mutual,” I explained.
“And these feelings you see in me, the ones I still have for her, does she carry them, too?” His words proclaimed an excitement at this idea.
Catching his stare, I locked onto his eyes. “That’s for her to share with you, and a conversation you two must endure together.”
A deep-seated chuckle left his lips. “You have the quirkiest speech.”
I returned the same chuckle, knowing Clara would most certainly agree with him.
I’d fallen asleep shortly after we had our little chat and woke up to banging in the kitchen. My eyes widened when I saw Bodhi on the loveseat. Damage control was on the agenda, and I pushed out of bed to work on it.
After pulling my leg on, I made my way to the bedroom. I pulled on some jeans and a T-shirt, then brushed my teeth quickly. When I passed the living room, Bodhi was still snoring.
Crossing over the open door leading to her kitchen, she was as mad this morning as she’d been last night. “Morning, foxy.” When she darted her eyes to mine, it was apparent foxy was not the right word to call her.
“I didn’t actually mean for the two of you to have a fucking sleepover.” She crashed her mug on the counter, and it cracked into a hundred pieces. I made my way over to her, and my intention was to help.
“Stop right there.” It was a warning I wasn’t going to heed.
“I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” I said. Grabbing her broom, I bypassed the mess, but she was in the midst of it without socks or slippers.
“Cut the crap and stop acting like this is normal.” Her raised voice had to have woken Bodhi, and I wasn’t sure if his presence would be tolerated by Clara.
She wasn’t done. “So tell me, counselor. That’s what you do, as a lawyer, isn’t it? Justify why something is okay when it isn’t.”
I stood closer to her and the mess in the kitchen. “Your concern is justified, honey. You were betrayed, but I’m having a hard conversation with you. You weren’t given that opportunity, so I’m giving you it now.”
I started sweeping the mess again, bending over the best I could with the dustpan to get the rest of the small pieces.
“He’s right, C.” The voice startled me at first, but her gaze was on Bodhi. I was about to say something when the same gray eyes of Clara’s stared at the three of us in the middle of a heated conversation.
“Hey, Declan,” I began. The dinosaur I bought when I first met him snug in his arm. “Want to get dressed and we can go have breakfast downstairs?”
His eyes searched his mother’s, then his father’s. “Cad I geet baken?” When they both nodded, he ran to his room. “I be reedy sooooon.”
After nodding my head at him, I turned to Clara. “I will be a while, I’m sure. Take the time, both of you…” I pointed my finger at Bodhi, then back at her. “Have an honest conversation. I understand this is odd, and it may feel wrong, but the thing I learned was without honesty, you can’t have true inner peace. Call it a little love kind of mindset, or maybe it’s from six months of living in a convent of monks. But I’m ready to grab onto happiness, and it can only occur when you’re honest.” I closed the space between Clara and me. “Nothing I said was meant to hurt you, yet it did. But remember, I love you, and I’m in this for the long haul.”
Turning my head to Bodhi, I gave him the typical male head jut, and he returned it. “Okay, call me if you need me.” I made my way through the back of the kitchen to Declan’s room, and the idea of bacon had him so happy, he didn’t even say goodbye to his mom and dad. I shut the door behind me, not sure what to expect when I returned.
17
Bodhi
Her robe came right above the knee, and it was the most skin I’d seen on my ex-wife since the day she kicked me out of our house. I’d never moved back in, realizing she’d never get over my infidelity, but more so, the lie I lived by not sharing my sexuality with her.
She tightened the belt, and I wondered if she was naked underneath. She’d always slept in silk pajamas, regardless of the time of year. I missed her in them. Fuck, I missed her in everything and nothing.
“Are you ready for the conversation we should have had years ago? Or should I just start with telling you I’ve never stopped loving you?” I asked.
She signaled to the kitchen table. “Give me a second. If we’re going to do this, I need some coffee in my system.”
It was not a surprise. The woman didn’t operate without her morning coffee. She didn’t say a word. This told me she was saving all of it for what was about to go down between us. Taking her time, she poured her coffee, then grabbed me a soda from her fridge.
“So, this is how it’s going to work. You talk, and I listen. I don’t interrupt you, and you don’t interrupt me. Got it?” Her commands were a turn-on, but I nodded my head in agreement. “And,” she added, “you don’t say one derogatory thing about my boyfriend.”
What could I say about Jack? He was a saint, and a part of me was jealous of what she had with him but the same part of me was also shameful of the lust he brought out in my body.
“I like Jack. He’s a good guy.” She rolled her eyes, but true to her word, she didn’t say what she was thinking.
I scrubbed at the scruff on my face. “I was never honest with you when it came to my sexuality. And of all the men in the world, why am I attracted to Jack? I can’t tell you how sorry I am for this. But he has a point that we only cross the line if we act on it, and I’d never want to hurt you again. The pain that took over your face every time I was near you almost killed me. Knowing I was responsible for it crippled me. And I know it sounds like a pile of shit because I purposely caused it. The bigger issue between you and me is I’m still in love with you. I figured over time, the love would change, and loving you would be about Dec. But besides the time I treasure with Dec, I covet the little interactions I have with you. It’s what we’ve been reduced to.”
I hadn’t the courage to look at her during this, only small little glances her way. When I stopped to catch my breath and ready my thoughts, tears were falling from her face in hurried streaks. “This right here”—I pointed at her tears—“they reduce me, and I deserve them all. I was the one who tore us apart, and I’m responsible for having to shuffle Dec between two homes. I understood you could feel my remorseful pleas through the years, and the trust I stripped away with one weak moment. I wish I was making you dinners at night, or sweeping up the mug you broke in anger, or the two of us fighting because it meant we were still together, and you’d still be Clara Chambers, my Triple C.” I stopped for a second, looking at her downturned face. “But I’ve learned something about myself, and maybe it’s the whole reason that led to our demise. I won’t ever hide who I am. It may have taken a while, but I’ve opened up with my friends and colleagues in the past year. Guess what? Those who had a problem with it backed away, and I don’t miss them in my life. And the others, most of them, mind you, accepted me for who I am. I never gave you the same opportunity, the choice, and for that, I’m the most sorry.”
Walking to the counter, I grabbed a box of Kleenex for her, giving her time to compose herself. I’d always teased she could get the attention of the entire Chicago pier by blowing her nose. It was a little memory that hit me as I listened to her foghorn sounds. It brought a smile to my eyes, and she returned it.
“Yep, I can still call for an entire fleet of ships,” she replied. I waved at her, letting her know the floor was all hers.
“What do you do when you love two men? It’s the question I asked myself when I started dating Jack. I knew with him that I’d fall quick. He’s so easy and so open, maybe at times a little too open. I thought as the feelings progressed with Jack, my love for you would change, but it hasn’t. Like you, I knew I’d love you simply based on sharing a child, but I understand there’s a difference in loving you and being in love with you.”
She grabbed my hand, and I shot my gaze to hers. It was her lustful look, one of passion I’d never for
get when it came to Clara. “I know you are a good man who made one horrible mistake. I’d thought in the year we took to finalize the divorce, I could forgive you, but the anger overtook me at every turn.” She removed her touch, and I missed it.
“I think it took Jack and his easygoing temperament and the hell he’s shared with me that he has undergone for me to understand true forgiveness. I’d been pushed back to all the hell we went through last night, when Jack was honest with me, but just like him, I have self-restraint. I love Jack. I’m not leaving him for you, I can’t. But now, after all this time, I can start trusting you.”
I hadn’t expected anything different, but with her words, I could accept Clara wasn’t my future anymore. I didn’t like it, but to have her finally extend true forgiveness meant more to me than I could articulate. “As far as this spark you share with Jack, I guess this will be the ultimate test if you deserve my forgiveness and in essence, my trust.”
She was right. This would be the ultimate test.
18
Clara
I watched every emotion slip from his face, from his words to his demeanor. I’d never looked at him as I did right then. He was a changed man, or maybe, it was that I was able to extend my trust to him, deeply and honestly.
And when I had, a great love bloomed inside me, and it was as if the past three years of hell had been erased. I wanted to both comfort the man and allow him to do the same for me. Yet I had no doubt, in the short amount of time I’d known Jack that I loved him equally, and because he was the person who caused me to trust again, I chose him.
Sitting before me was the man I shared a child with, a man who had watched Declan grow within my body. Yet I still chose Jack, but I still wanted Bo.