Today was Jamie’s birthday, and I wasn’t going to let my guilt ruin it. While I was still hazy on the details of everything I had missed, over the last several days, we had all found some sort of routine. Jax and I decided it would be best to continue as if I didn’t know he was my son until after his birthday. Besides, telling Jamie today could ruin the party Jax had worked diligently to organise. She had been meticulous with party games, decorations, and food, and I offered to bake the cake. I couldn’t help but wonder if her enthusiasm for throwing his party was a distraction for Jamie or herself.
The toll my amnesia had taken on them was evident, and now that I knew the truth, I just wanted to relieve some of that pressure. Create some normality, for Jamie’s sake. However, Jax had continued to give me the freedom to choose how integrated I was in Jamie’s life, with the ability to take a step back if it all became too much. Her consideration and understanding had been never ending. It was her strength that fuelled my drive to be engaged. I wanted to be here. I wanted to be completely present in Jamie’s life.
“Elena, could you pass me the duct tape?” Cat asked, pulling me back into the present. She stood on tiptoes, hanging “Birthday Boy” signs. “If we were just doing birthday decorations, this wouldn’t take so long.” She huffed as I passed the tape.
“You can’t have Halloween and birthday decorations at the same time,” I said.
Jax came up behind me carrying a box of Halloween decorations. “It’s not his fault he was born the day after Halloween. You’d think you’d be used to it by now. It’s not like you haven’t been at his last five birthdays.”
Cat let out an incoherent reply while taping down the edges of the red birthday banner to the living room wall. Jax was busy collecting decorations for Halloween while I helped hang the replacement birthday decorations.
“So what did you get Jamie for his birthday, Jax?” Cat asked while smoothing down the banner with another layer of tape. “He’s six now. That’s a big age. Next will be college, and with your parenting skills, probably prison.”
“Cat!” I said, placing the end of the cobwebs in the box Jax was holding and meeting her gaze. “And he’s going to love his new bike. You assembled it this morning, right?”
Jax threw me a look as if to say, “Of course I did.” I mouthed an apology for asking yet again. Hosting parties had always made me a little anxious, but by her playful response, it was clear Jax knew that about me already. It wasn’t just the upcoming party that had my heart accelerating; the intensity of Jax’s eyes had to take some sort of responsibility. All morning, we had been doing this dance: few words were exchanged, and we were communicating in a silent language. Though Jax had moments of cautiousness with me, for the most part, she was starting to allow herself to become playful again.
Jax disappeared into her room to store the box of Halloween decorations as I slowly drifted toward my sister.
“Are you sure you’re feeling up to all of this?” she whispered once we were alone.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I replied firmly, recalling the numerous occasions I’d reassured Jax this morning. “I can handle it even if it is a little raw.”
“Are things okay?”
“They’ve been oddly okay.” I began to fill her in on the last few days since finding out the truth. “Jax and I are talking every night, going over what I’ve missed. And Jamie has been great, his usual caring self, but I hate lying to him. I have a newfound understanding for what you’ve all been going through these last few weeks.” She nodded along, giving me her full attention. “Last night was rough, though,” I whispered to avoid Jax overhearing. “Jamie ran into my room and cried in my arms. He had a nightmare and forgot the sleeping arrangement.”
“Oh no.” She sighed sadly. “I’m sure he was so disappointed in himself for ‘slipping up.’” She used air quotes.
“You should have seen his little face. Completely distraught. I felt so guilty.”
“I know the feeling,” she replied as we shared a concerned look. “Are you going to tell him?”
“Jax and I plan to sit him down after the party. I don’t want to ruin his day.”
“Of course.” She nodded before something thoughtful fell over her features. “You’re a good mother, Elena.” The compliment stunned me, and I felt my eyes sting at the corners. I smiled rather than let myself become overwhelmed, and Cat changed the tone to something more daring. “And I know you don’t quite remember, but you used to be a good wife too.”
“Cat.” I shook my head, embarrassed to feel a blush. “I haven’t thought much about that,” I lied. In fact, I thought a lot about that.
Last week, before I even knew the truth, I’d had a dream about Jax, and not the kind of dream I wanted to think too much about, especially at work. And it wasn’t the first racy dream I’d had about her. Ever since my head rush in the kitchen, when I was caught with my legs around Jax’s waist, my subconscious kept reimagining the scene.
The first dream was slow. Her lips grazed mine as her smooth hands crept up my thighs, causing my breath to hitch, but we pulled away, resting our foreheads against each other. I didn’t think much of the dream because it was just a kiss, barely a kiss, really. The second, third, and fourth dreams only got more imaginative, until eventually, her head was between my legs as I gripped the countertop and screamed her name.
“Elena?”
“Ya!” I jumped out of the memory as Cat stared at me with a coy look.
“What were you thinking about?” she asked. I shook my head frantically. “Must have been dirty.” I batted her arm, embarrassed. “It’s okay to crush on your wife, you know.” She wandered off, hanging balloons off various pieces of furniture across the living room.
“I told you, I’m not really thinking about that. We’re taking it slow, focusing on Jamie, and then…” I sighed with no end to the sentence.
“And then?”
“Has anyone ever told you how nosey you are?”
“Nick. At least once a day.” She steered the conversation back on topic. “You blush when Jax compliments you. You two communicate in this secret language that no one else can understand, you light up when she walks into a room, and you obviously fantasise about her 24-7.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Hey, Elena?” My head whipped around as Jax appeared at her bedroom door. “Can you turn down the heat in here, it’s so hot.” She removed her shirt, revealing her black sports bra.
Her bare toned abs and tattooed arms glistened as she wiped a light layer of sweat from her forehead. I could swear time turned still as I fixated. She was gone before drool could form, but my eyes remained glued to where her bare torso had been.
“I can see your boner,” Cat whispered as she brushed past me.
* * *
Jax
The collective soundtrack of Disney flooded my eardrums for the second time in a row as I wiped up spilled juice from the hardwood floors. Children, laughing and playing, filled the small space of my living room as a handful of friends and family mingled around the outskirts, apprehensive to get too close to the hyper youngsters in the centre of the room.
“Here, I’ve got the mop.” My mum came up behind me and began cleaning the mess. “Why don’t you sort out the cake? The candles are in my bag.” I thanked her en route to the kitchen where I found Nick texting on his phone, most likely working, and Cat refilling the snack bowls.
“It’ll be over soon.” She let out a long breath. No doubt I looked as tired as I felt. It didn’t help that I had been working nonstop the last few days.
“As long as Jamie is having fun, that’s all that matters.” I stared out the opening in the kitchen wall and into the living room. “He deserves a bit of fun after everything he’s been through.”
Jamie giggled at something Elena had just said as she pointed at his brand-new red bicycle. I couldn’t hear their interaction, but I found myself captivated just watching from afar. He was using wild hand motions, pointing
to the wheels as Elena returned his excited expression. She glanced up, her eyes locking with mine and knocking the air from my lungs. She was the only person who had this effect on me, rendering me completely useless under her attention.
“My little sister totally has the hots for you,” Cat quietly sang in my ear, ruining the moment.
“Fake news,” I muttered breaking eye contact and continuing my search for candles in my mother’s purse.
“I don’t know, mate. She’s been checking you out a lot today.” Nick chimed in as he munched loudly on the bowl of popcorn his wife had just replaced, never tearing his eyes from his phone.
“See!” Cat tapped my arm. “If my husband can notice that but not when I get my hair cut, then it’s pretty obvious.”
“Oh, you got your hair cut,” he said. Cat glared at him. “It’s lovely.” He added a small apologetic smile, one which I tried to return to ease the tension, but she just looked deflated.
“Could you just go and make sure Kate isn’t making a mess?” Cat asked, disappointment lingering in her eyes.
Nick looked apologetically at her, but she waved him off, unable to hide her dismay, something I bet he was getting increasingly used to these days. Nick looked just as annoyed with himself. Spending more than half his time in another country would do that to a marriage. They’d been fighting more, bickering even today; it made me worried. If a strong couple like them were in trouble, what chance did Elena and I have?
I tried to lighten the mood once Nick had left the kitchen. “He’s just—”
She stopped me. “Not around to notice.” Her eyes fixated somewhere in the distance. I wanted to say more, but she shook herself, and her eyes softened, turning to me. “But the good news is, my darling sister likes you.”
“Not this again.” I moved away to remove Jamie’s birthday cake from the fridge.
“Yes, this again. You should ask her out. And not on a family day out to the park. On an actual date. A real date.”
“It’s too soon. I can’t rush her,” I replied before she could make an argument which would probably have been very valid, but it was my turn to stop her. “You remember the first time, right? Back in New York.”
“Yes, I remember. Vividly. She thought she was falling in love with you and stupidly ran back to Tom. But she’s not that girl anymore.” I shook my head, unsure. “Okay, maybe in the hospital she resembled her old non-committable, in the closet, seriously insecure, twenty-year-old self, but now she’s becoming more like the real Elena again.”
“I can’t afford to have her shut me out. I almost lost her. I have to think about Jamie.”
“I know but—”
The sound of Kate screaming snapped both of our heads toward the living room. Cat rolled her eyes at the scene. Another little boy and Kate were both on the ground screeching, blaming the other for a fall. Nick was already in the middle of the squabble, trying to defuse the tears.
There was nothing worse than a domino effect at a birthday party, when all the children joined forces for the ultimate tantrum. We needed a distraction. Birthday cake; the thought seemed to pop into Cat’s mind at the same time. She lunged for the matches while I inserted the candles. We were the perfect children-crying-crisis-control-duo.
Moments later, the tears were forgotten, the lights were dimmed, and everyone eagerly waited for Jamie to blow out the candles.
We sang in unison as I knelt on the floor and held his cake in front of him. “Make a wish, Jay.” I smiled as his eyes sparkled while looking at the Frozen-themed cake with delight.
He thought hard for a moment before his eyes drifted to the right, to Elena. With a small nod and huge grin on his face, he blew out the candles. As the kids cheered and the adults clapped, Jamie leaned forward and whispered into my ear.
“I wished for Mummy to come back.”
As if I didn’t already know.
Ever since his nightmare, when he ran into Elena’s bedroom—correction, our bedroom—by mistake, I’d had major concerns about the effect this arrangement was having on him. He had been so upset with himself because he’d almost spoiled the “secret” we were playing on his mother. He’d fallen asleep crying in my arms. I conjured up the best smile I could before kissing him on the forehead and making my way into the kitchen to cut the cake.
“Okay, before cake, let’s play a game.” Cat distracted the kids while I cut a few slices.
Elena was helping until her phone started ringing. She quickly excused herself and moved into the hallway. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, but she was within hearing distance of the kitchen.
“Hey.” She smiled. Even though I couldn’t see her, I knew her smiling voice, and just like that, dread came over me. “It’s good to hear from you too. Thank you again for the flowers. They’re beautiful.” Silence filled her end of the line for a moment before her voice raised an octave in surprise. “Wait, you’re here? In London?” I froze on the spot, unable to move. “Tonight? Well, I don’t know if I can meet. I’m…” She stuttered for a moment as if thinking, and my breathing stopped. “I’m at my roommate’s son’s birthday party.”
She hadn’t told him. He still thought she couldn’t remember who Jamie was. They’d spoken a few days ago on the phone. I’d overheard them, but she’d neglected to tell him that she knew about Jamie. However, even something as innocent as “my roommate’s son’s birthday party” would be like alarm bells to Tom. He was a self-centred prick, but it wouldn’t take him long to piece together who Jamie and I were.
“That’s right, Jamie’s birthday,” Elena said, solidifying my theory that he was paying attention. “Of course I want to catch up, but I just…I’m not sure what time the party will finish. Are you here tomorrow?” she asked, and I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in that he was busy. My hand lost control of the knife, and although I didn’t feel the cold slice into my own skin, I saw the blood. “Flying to LA, huh? Sounds great. Well, if the party is over early, I can come meet you.” I felt paralysed and numb. “I’ll definitely see you in two weeks when you’re back.” The room muted, and all I could hear were my own ragged breaths and heartbeat booming in my ears.
“Jax!” I didn’t realise Elena had called me until she was right in front of me, pulling my hand toward the sink. “Are you okay?” All noise came crashing back with a deafening bang. “What the hell happened?” The children’s music and playful screams flooded my senses. “Jax!”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled as I looked down at the back of my hand and registered the gash in the skin. “The knife just…slipped.”
“What the hell is going on with you?” Elena asked, but she didn’t sound annoyed. It was concern. “You could have really hurt yourself. Now who’s working too hard?” She tilted her head disapprovingly as she reached for the first aid kit.
She cleaned and bandaged the wound. She was no surgeon, but she knew her way around. The crease that formed on her forehead, coupled with the concentration pout, had me in a trance. It was times like this when all I wanted to do was kiss her. She worked softly and delicately with the wound and glanced up at me frequently. All concern vanished, but a playful teasing lingered. The need to kiss her became even more overpowering as she bit her lip in concentration. With a final bandage on the cut, she brought my hand to her lips.
“Good as new.” Sealing it with a kiss to my knuckles, she smiled at me as if I was the only person in the world, her eyes dancing around my face. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you just saw a ghost.” She raised her brows again, and that was when I knew I had to get out of there before I blurted out everything she didn’t know about Tom. I couldn’t ruin Jamie’s party.
“I’m good. I’m just going to go and check on…” I trailed off with no end to the sentence, exiting the kitchen as quickly as possible. I couldn’t bear being so close to her with the ache in my chest.
“Good cake.” Greg’s voice was barely audible as he shovelled another mouthful into his mouth.
I wa
s unaware of his presence and the party in general as I zoned in and out, standing in the corner with a beer in hand. I had been dodging Elena like the plague for the last couple of hours, too unsure of my emotions around her and far too preoccupied with the newfound information that Tom was in London. She might see him today for the first time since she was pregnant.
“You make it?”
“Do I look like I bake cakes?” I muttered over the kids running around my apartment. “Elena baked it.” I found myself gazing across the room at Elena, who was wiping Kate’s face and hands to remove the chocolate. I couldn’t help but smile while watching her, even though she was completely oblivious, and then the sinking feeling set in when I thought about Tom.
“You know who else bakes?” Greg asked.
“Who?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but I could barely focus on him as my mind spiralled.
“Cassie.” He sighed, taking another bite of the cake as I rolled my eyes. “She bakes cookies, muffins, and I’m sure cake too.”
It wasn’t that I was unhappy that Greg was dating. I was thrilled for him, and usually, I would gush with him about someone new. The beginning weeks were always the most exciting, and he was clearly in a great place, but selfishly, my mind was elsewhere, consumed by the thought that Elena and Tom would meet again. They already talked and flirted on the phone; the odds of that chemistry being reignited face-to-face made me feel nauseous. Elena could only remember the love she’d had for him. I was no one to her. Engrossed in worry that my time was running out caused my mind to race.
“Cassie cooks too,” Greg said, pulling me back into the heat of the party. “She made this amazing mushroom and truffle oil—”
“Risotto,” I finished as I watched Jamie playing with another boy from his school.
“Yeah, risotto.” He beamed. “How’d you know?”
“Because you’ve told me this story like six times.”
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