My babbling was humiliating. I had never showcased such a woeful attempt at asking someone out. Even I wouldn’t have said yes to that display of no-confidence. The sheer embarrassment coupled with Elena’s silence caused me to regret my decision, and I almost started to backpedal.
“That sounds really great. Perfect, actually.” Elena smiled brightly, the first smile I’d witnessed all evening, but it was short-lived. “It’s just. I can’t tomorrow night. I’ve a friend visiting.”
“A friend?” I asked, but her inability to make eye contact confirmed my suspicion. “Tom.” I had forgotten he was visiting this weekend. It was impossible to hide my disappointment.
“Yeah,” she said, looking a little guilty. “But it’s not what you think.”
“What do I think?” My reply sounded snide as I struggled to keep my emotions at bay.
“It’s just dinner.” I nodded, choosing to hold my tongue and bury my fears. “I just have to figure things out!” My failure to speak seemed to ignite something as she proceeded to take her frustrations out on me. “Can everyone please just try and understand? It’s all so confusing.”
“Join the club,” I returned, equally frustrated. “You know, you’re not the only person who’s confused here. I have no idea where I stand, Elena.” I sighed as her eyes pleaded with me, begging me not to ask her to choose, but I couldn’t go on any longer. Not like this. “Do you want to be with him?”
“It’s complicated,” she said quietly. The air caught in my throat, and it hurt to breathe. Finally, she was being honest.
“Well, when you figure it out, maybe you could let your wife know.” The bite in my tone was glaringly obvious.
“That’s not fair.”
“I’m being unfair? You’re practically having an affair, Elena.”
“I can’t cheat on a marriage I don’t remember.” But the look on her face revealed how much she regretted the harsh wording. “I didn’t mean—”
“No, I think that’s exactly what you meant. Finally, you’re being straight with me.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Is that supposed to be a joke?”
“Trust me, no one is laughing here. This is just my life we’re talking about. And Jamie’s, of course, but I guess that’s asking too much for you to think about him.”
“Don’t you dare, Jax,” she yelled back. “Jamie is separate from this.”
“This? What is this?” I gestured between the two of us. “Who am I to you?” I asked bluntly for the first time after weeks of living in limbo. “Am I your friend? Your co-parent?” Tears filled her eyes as she stared at me. “Or am I just your plaything when you want attention?”
“I’m sorry, okay?” She sobbed loudly. “I’m sorry I’m not her.” My brow furrowed for a moment. I’m not her hung heavy in the air between us as I watched her battle those internal demons. “That woman you fell in love with. I wish I could bring her back because who I am now is such a disappointment.” Speechless, I watched as tears rushed to my own eyes. “You’re not a plaything. I care about you, Jax. You mean so much more to me than…but I can’t…” I inched closer to her. Seeing Elena this distraught had a physical reaction on me. “I’m so lost. What I’m feeling inside doesn’t make sense in my head. I’m trying to please everyone and letting everyone down at the same time. Trying to be the perfect daughter, sister, and it’s just so…” She sniffed back the tears as I took another step closer to her.
“Exhausting,” I finished for her as she let out an exasperated breath. Remaining a safe distance away, I said, “Elena, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You do not have to please anyone. Not your parents. Not Caterina or Tom or even me. Just be happy and be happy with the person you are.”
“What if what I want isn’t what everyone else wants?”
“Fuck them.”
She watched me intently before the corner of her lips started to twitch. “Fuck them?” She stifled a laugh.
“Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.” She watched me thoughtfully, and how I wished I could read her mind in that moment. “You’re not a disappointment. Not to me, at least. I just want you to be happy, and if that’s not with me then…” She nodded, so thankfully, I didn’t have to finish that sentence.
With nothing more to say, we took one final look at each other before going our separate ways. Lying in bed, I was filled with regrets, and countless times, I thought about going to her. There was so much that remained unsaid, and I couldn’t help but feel I was losing her. Regardless of how torn Elena was, I couldn’t force her to be with me. To choose our family. She had to fight for our marriage, and until she was ready to accept herself, she would continue to suppress those feelings.
Chapter Fifteen
The next day, I was still berating myself for how I’d left things with Jax. Guilt had consumed me as I tried to fall asleep last night, knowing I was too much of a coward to tell her how I really felt. She’d asked me out on a date, and I’d passed it up for what? An ex-boyfriend? My phone buzzed on the dresser as I continued to rifle through my wardrobe for something to wear. I let it go to voice mail, but the caller was persistent, and it started to ring again and again.
“Hello?” I sighed, frustrated.
“Darling,” Mama cooed on the other side. “Getting ready, bella?”
“Mother.” I smiled through gritted teeth. I found myself conjuring a fake cheerful voice, which only added to the anxiety I’d had all day. “I didn’t expect you to call so soon. We talked just yesterday.” And the day before that.
“I know darling, but I just wanted to wish you good luck on your big date tonight.”
“It’s not a date,” I argued as a nauseous gnawing feeling came over me. “We’re just catching up.”
“Elena, this is your ex-boyfriend of three years and Jamie’s father. People change, you know, age matures everyone. Wouldn’t you want him to be a part of your son’s life? A boy needs his father.” Her go-to method of persuasion that usually worked like a charm on me. “Thomas truly is a delightful man with a very good job, able to support and take care—”
“I can take care of myself, Mama.” This conversation felt like another attempt at manipulating me. Mother was pushing me toward Tom. Cat was right. I was just sorry it took me so long to see it myself. “As for Jamie, he has two parents already, and it’s not like Tom has shown any interest before.”
“He never stopped caring for you, Elena. Why else would he be travelling to see you this evening?”
“Well, thanks for checking in, but I should get going.”
“Just make sure to wear something pretty.” That demanding tone returned. “A dress, perhaps the black dress I got you last Christmas. It probably still has the tag on it.”
I could feel my grimace as I stared at the dress on the bed, which did, in fact, still have the tag on. In the cull of my wardrobe, it was the first thing I’d given a hard pass to. Frills were never my thing, and the low-cut style meant my breasts would probably fall out during the entrée.
“I will leave you to make yourself beautiful. Give my love to Jamie.” She mustered a cheery response. “Ciao, bella. Call me tomorrow.”
“Ciao, Mama.” I threw the phone onto the bed.
My mother was beyond pushy, borderline obsessive. Recommending what I should wear so that I looked pretty? The pressure to see Tom again and rekindle our relationship was unbelievable.
I settled on an outfit, a simple navy dress, and checked myself over in the mirror. My makeup was light, but I never was a fan of heavy foundation.
Don’t cover up your freckles, a voice whispered in my head as I was transported back into a memory.
“Put down the foundation, Elena, I mean it. I’ll break the bottle,” Jax said as she tied her shoelaces. I rolled my eyes and squeezed a small blob of liquid onto a brush. “Elena, don’t do this. Think about the children,” she teased as I began applying the makeup to my face. “That’s it!” She threw up her arms dramatically as she grabbed a b
lazer from the wardrobe. “You’ve done it now. You’re hideous.” She sighed as she stood beside me, looking into the mirror.
“Thank you, that’s the sweetest thing you’ve said to me all day.”
“The day’s not over yet,” she said huskily in my ear before pecking my cheek. I reached for the blush brush, but she snatched my hand, halting me. “You don’t need blusher. You’re already blushing,” she whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “I’ll just keep whispering in your ear all night.”
“Why are you so against makeup?”
“Because you’re so naturally beautiful. You don’t need to cover up your freckles or the dark circles under your eyes.”
“You noticed the dark circles?” I swooned sarcastically. “I made sure to only get three hours of sleep just for you.”
“Well, I think you’re beautiful. Just the way you are.”
I was pulled from the flashback with a force that left me weak at the knees. Using the dresser to steady myself, I looked into the mirror. In the flashback, I was standing in the exact same spot, but I looked like a completely different person. My reflection showed insecurities and unfamiliarity, but the old me was carefree and filled with happiness. I longed to know that woman again, the one on the receiving end of so much love.
My eyes drifted to the jewellery box. I pulled out a necklace. In the flashback, I was wearing the same necklace, and after placing it round my neck, I felt calmer somehow. I’d admired the simple rose gold before but hadn’t felt the desire to wear it…until now. The pendant landed neatly over my heart. I slipped on a pair of heels and grabbed my bag.
As soon as I stepped outside my bedroom, I felt a pair of eyes watching from the kitchen. I didn’t look around as I walked farther into the living area and scrolled through my phone that was charging on the dining room table.
“Going out?” she asked even though she knew perfectly well I was.
“Yep.” My response was short. I couldn’t help being cold. It was the only way to minimise the gnawing in my tummy.
“You look beautiful.” Her voice was much closer, causing me to jump slightly.
She stood at the other side of the table and stared into my eyes. My breath turned unpredictable under the intensity. It felt as if she was digging into my soul, and it only caused the gnawing to become sharper, like a clenching on my insides.
“Your necklace is tangled at the back. Can I?”
I nodded, granting her permission to fix it.
I turned my back, and a shaky breath escaped when her hands brushed my hair to the side. Though I tried to resist, my mind replayed the dream from yesterday, the way her hands expertly moved across my body as if she knew every curve by heart. Her fingers were soft and warm on the back of my neck as she fixed the necklace. A shiver erupted across my skin from the intimate contact.
“Perfect.” The word was soft, and although she didn’t whisper it in my ear, her breath lingered on my neck as I turned.
Drowning in blue eyes, there was no escape. The gnawing in the pit of my stomach finally stopped, and my heart began to race. The rhythm in my chest made me feel as if I was breathing for the first time, as if my heart had woken up from hibernation. Her close proximity, the intensity in her eyes, the crease on her forehead, her breath on my lips…all of it overpowered my senses. I had never wanted anything more in my life than to kiss her. My breathing picked up, and I felt myself leaning in.
Beep.
Like the same irritating beep that pulled me from my coma in the hospital bed, the buzzer sounded loudly.
Beep.
Beep.
* * *
Jax
Her eyes bored into mine a moment longer, and I thought maybe she wouldn’t answer the door. Thoughts like that made it hurt all the more when she pulled away and moved toward the buzzer. She pressed the unlock button on the intercom, and I knew then that I only had seconds.
“Elena?” She was still facing the intercom, her back to me. “Elena? You don’t have to do this. Stay.” My pleading caused her to turn slowly, and in her eyes, I saw the same conflict from last night. “It’s okay to feel the way you feel.”
My words hung between us, and I knew it struck a dark chord in her, the shame she struggled with and always had. It was why she couldn’t properly deal with her feelings. She’d been conditioned to believe our love was wrong. Tears were in her eyes, and all I wanted to do was comfort her and wash away all her fears, the pain and suffering she’d faced the first time she’d tried to accept who she was.
“There is nothing wrong with you, Elena.”
A knock on the door interrupted us, but no one moved. It was like playing a game and watching an hourglass that only had a couple of grains left. Everything slowed except the players’ heart rates as they silently wished for more time. Except this wasn’t a game.
She turned and opened the door, and I exhaled in defeat.
“Hey, you.” Tom wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into a hug. “You look more beautiful than ever.”
I watched his hands roam across her back while his face sank into the crook of her neck. The intimate embrace brought bile to my mouth. After every shitty thing he’d done to her, it killed me to watch their interaction. As they pulled apart, he smiled down at her. I’d only seen a handful of photographs of him, and even then, Elena had always been in them, so my eyes would gravitate toward her. I wouldn’t consider him handsome, more boyish in features. He was a fair bit taller than Elena with light brown, perfectly styled hair. His eyes met mine as he quite literally invited himself in like an intruder inspecting our home for a heist.
“You must be Jax.” He addressed me while moving farther into the living room. Elena trailed somewhere behind. “Elena’s told me a lot about you.”
Tom knew exactly who I was even though we’d never met. I recalled Elena telling me years ago how threatened he had been by our friendship in the beginning. He thought that I was only pretending to be her friend to seduce her, ironic considering his long list of infidelities.
“Hmm.” I gave a tight-lipped, barely there smile. I would have put on a better show for Elena, but she wouldn’t even look at me.
“I just have to use the bathroom, and then we can go,” she said as she moved to the bathroom, leaving Tom and I watching each other from a safe distance.
“Nice place,” he said awkwardly as he swung his arms a little.
“I’d ask you to sit, but I don’t want you in my home.”
He smirked. “I get it. Can’t say I was expecting the warmest of welcomes, but she reached out to me so…”
“So you just thought, what? You’d give it another go?” I crossed my arms.
“Why not?” I shook my head, flabbergasted at his response. He narrowed his eyes. “Look, I always regretted the way things ended with Elena—”
“The unplanned pregnancy or when she found out you were cheating?”
“You’re just mad, Jax. She’s actually into me, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I gritted my teeth as he spoke up again. “I was surprised to hear from her, in fact. The last I heard, you two were married.”
“We are.”
“Well, shit. This must be really awkward for you.” He made a poor attempt at covering his grin as my hands tightened into fists. “So where is he?” Tom craned his neck, looking around the apartment. My eyes shifted to Jamie’s closed door, and I prayed he didn’t come out.
“Do you even know his name?” I challenged as his eyes darted around the room, avoiding mine. “How about his birthday, huh? I’ll give you a clue, it was recently. Or his age? Come on, why don’t you give it your best guess?” I rolled my eyes as he stood quietly. “You’re such a waste.”
“Look, she wanted to see me,” he said in a hushed voice. “I didn’t go looking for her, so you can hate me, but if there’s even a chance she has feelings for me, I’m sticking around to find out.”
“Oh, this time you’re sticking around?”
I raised a brow. “Makes a change from the last time.” I narrowed my eyes, loathing every inch of him. “I can’t wait for her memories to come back, and she remembers what a dick you are.”
“That’s if you’re still around.” He looked me up and down. “By then, she’ll be in Luton.”
“Luton?”
“Oh, she didn’t tell you.” He grinned, and I felt my chest tighten. “She’s viewing an apartment in Luton. Getting her own place. Let’s see, that’s an hour away from you and, well, an hour closer to me.” He inched closer as I tried to retort, but I couldn’t think of anything. “And when the time is right, you better believe I will make sure Elena knows the truth about Jamie. That he’s our son, not yours.” But Elena already knew the truth.
The click of the bathroom door pulled him out of his taunting, and he swung around to meet her again. “Jax was just recommending this great pub near the restaurant. We should go for a drink first,” he said pleasantly as I resisted the urge to gag.
“Sure,” Elena replied as they made their way to the door, his hand on her lower back making my blood boil. “I won’t be back too late. Kiss Jamie good night for me?” she asked over her shoulder but didn’t make eye contact. Just like that, they were gone. Perhaps forever.
Chapter Sixteen
Jax played on my mind the entire stroll to the pub, even as we waited for our drinks, and Tom filled me in on his day. He’d met some partners in London to go over an expansion opportunity and proceeded to tell me all about it in detail. I’d become a master at seeming interested in something I cared very little about.
With Christmas approaching, soft festive music played in the background, but I wasn’t feeling all that merry as Jax stayed at the forefront of my mind. Her asking, pleading with me to stay. I didn’t want to leave her, not when she looked so small. Thinking about it now made me feel sick to my stomach. I should have stayed, but I was afraid.
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